Rx: Urgent remedy for Indian Healthcare Education.

The tragic suicide by a young Gynecology resident at a premier government institute in Mumbai has brought focus on harsh truths of the medical post graduate education system.

Deans and the Head of Departments of EVERY medical college in the country would be lying if they claimed that there was no workplace harassment and exploitation of young resident doctors in their respective medical colleges, and that they were not aware of the same. The truth is that seniors with designation of power are mere mute spectators. Also, the so called ‘Anti Ragging Committee’ exists only on paper and many committee members are themselves part of the team involved in ragging of the juniors in hostels at night.

‘Hierarchical’ exploitation of juniors is the NORM in medical colleges (different from workplace politics in the corporate setup) unless you have a familial ‘jack’ or contacts with the seniors. Threats of not getting enough ‘cutting’ in surgical fields during the 3 year tenure, threats of making sure the doctor doesn’t clear the PG exam, getting ridiculed in front of patients and their relatives, exploited to do personal work of their seniors, not allowed time to even bathe/eat or get adequate sleep for days, working almost 100 hours a week, etc is part and parcel of a post graduate resident doctor’s life, especially in the 1st year of their training – a bitter sad reality of this fraternity which not many will refute.

Apart from things mentioned above, I have personally been privy to few instances during my internship which left an ever lasting impact on me, making me vow to never come back to the government setup. An Ortho 1st year houseman was so sleep deprived and tired that he fell asleep on a stretcher less than a feet away from a patient’s vomitus, while another resident doctor was so frustrated with work that he showed up drunk in the ward wearing only his underwear and loudly cursing his seniors – to be then taken to the EMS and asked to take rest and a much deserved sleep.

But the big question is why hasn’t anyone publicly spoken about it? Why no steps have been taken to curb this menace and malpractice that plagues medical education? Is it creating better doctors or improving senior-junior relationship? What about the mental health of the residents and its long term psychological effects? Till when will the authorities turn a blind eye to such things? What are we really waiting for – another Dr. Payal Tadvi?

It is high time the medical fraternity, state universities and the government address these issues, introspect on this existing system of exploitation and harassment, and take stringent steps to curb this menace. Resident doctors should make support groups among themselves, should gather courage to come out openly and complain against any atrocities by their immediate senior residents, professors, head of units or even head of departments. At the same time, refrain from filling up the same shoes as their seniors once they become senior themselves – just because they had themselves gone through such an ordeal. Such social reform will not happen overnight but will slowly and surely be instrumental to bring about the change.

The American Heart Association rightfully calls the doctors – ‘The wounded healers’ due to the effects of psychological, emotional, physical and mental stress of years of clinical practice, I’m sure the Indian medical post graduate education system does not want is create – ‘wounded and scarred’ doctors of tomorrow right out of residency program.

I would like to end by a quote, “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barack Obama

Doctors - The Wounded Healers

Scenario: A young 27 year old male was brought by an auto driver to the Accident & Emergency Department with a history of road traffic accident. His body was completely mutilated with multiple broken bones, visible deformities, head injury and a ‘fountain’ of red blood from his right femoral artery due to a puncture wound. Though he was gasping while being shifted from the autorickshaw to the stretcher, his breathing stopped completely by the time he was wheeled in to the resuscitation bed. In spite of an immediate intubation and all our resuscitative efforts, he succumbed to his injuries.

My hands trembled as I looked through the contacts on his phone to search for ‘home, ma / mom, papa / dad, bhai, baby / sweetheart / wifey, etc’. I slowly gathered courage to call on ‘dada’ (which mostly means elder brother) as I did not want to make the 1st call to his mother, father or the wife.

I was at complete loss of words when he picked up the phone…what should I tell him? The images running through my mind was of how my own elder brother would react if he received such a call.

“Main Hospital k Emergency Department se Doctor Mohit bol raha hun, aap please jaldi hospital aa jaiye.”

“Doctor kya hua ? Yeh mere bhai ka number hai, usne kyun call nai kiya?”, he asked.

“Main jyada kuch nai bata sakta phone pe, aap aa jaiye aur kisi family member ko bhi sath le aiyega”, I replied.

“Theek hai, main abhi office mein hun, thodi der mein Papa k sath pahuchta hun.”

The scenes which followed cannot be expressed in. The reaction of the brother, the father, all the tears, the disbelief, the trauma, the shock…the mother fainted on arrival and later with tears rolling down her eyes, she asked me was, “Doctor, usne kuch bola kya marne se pehle? Woh kitni der tak zinda tha? Saasein chal rahi thi kya uski?” – probably she wanted to hear if he left any message or final words, and I couldn’t answer to her (there are tears in my eyes, as I think of that mayhem again to pen down these words) .

After a month, the father and the brother came to get life insurance forms filled. I found out that he was recently married 3 months back. On the day of his accident, his mother was just discharged after an angiography (with report of few coronary blockages which could be medically treated) and he had just brought her home from the hospital after discharge and left with a friend to buy some sweets in view of the normal reports. The brakes of a dumper had failed on Jogeshwari Vikhroli Link Road (JVLR) and the truck driver rammed into 7 vehicles…and the body of the pillion rider was ripped into pieces on the spot of the accident.

                                                                    ********

The life of a doctor is complicated, and gets even worse when he/she is working in the stressful environment of an Accident & Emergency department (A&E). An emergency physician has to be a JACK OF ALL, AND A MASTER OF ALL as it cannot be predicted what will come in through the entrance door – an accident victim, a patients with a heart attack, a stroke, a seizure, a patient fighting to take a breath, a geriatric, a pediatric, a pregnant patients apart from the regular emergencies across all specializations.

What makes this branch different is the amount of emotions, expectations, always, dealing with blood and death on a routine basis, with no margin for error. Seconds and minutes can make all the difference between life and death.

Doctors working in the A&E and ICUs have to be 2 faced, hide their humane emotional side when dealing with a critical patient and delivering bad news, while simultaneously thinking with a straight head about the best modality of treatment. The worst part of this job across the world would definitely be dealing with young deaths. It will be a lie if I say I have never seen doctors break down and cry after declaring a patient dead.

Like most of the doctors working in the A&E across the world, I too have had the MISFORTUNE of giving bad news to a father, a mother, a sister, a brother, a wife and friends about the death of their loved one – at young age of 21, 24,27,29, 31, 37,42, etc.

And just while all this is going on, YOUR DOCTOR in the Emergency pulls himself back together and gets ready to tackle another challenge – The Next Patient.

Patient suffering from COPD refuses medications, demands Doctor's 'nebulization'.

Mumbai: In a surprising incident which has sent shock waves among the medical community, a 60 year old patient admitted in the ICU of a local hospital with an acute exacerbation of COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) refused his daily dose of bronchodilators and demanded the same ‘nebulization’ that his admitting consultant was on, with an increased frequency than his current dosing.

It is a well known fact that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ‘Nebulization’ is a secret code for smoking in the medical language, and patients deciphering the same has now made doctors worried. Expecting similar backlash from more patients of COPD, Medical Council of India has already issued directives to doctors to come up with new terminology, or else face 1 more year of rural MO ship after post graduation.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, patient Bevda Charsi (name changed) said, “My doctor is so shameless and insensitive that in front of COPD patients like me, he ‘teasingly’ tells his junior that he is taking a ‘nebulization’ break, whereas we all know that he is really going out for a ‘sutta’. He counsels us that ‘coffin’ is the result of smoking too much, but does not practice what he preaches. When will the medical fraternity understand that nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking, and that smoking has benefits like family planning because it can cause erectile dysfunction?”

“I had also thought about giving up smoking in the past, but decided not to – I’m not a quitter”, Charsi added.

Meanwhile, a virtual war has already started on social media among professionals with many claiming that not only in smoking, some doctors can even beat an Engineer in a drinking competition.

Unhappy with acting skills, MCI to open medical acting college soon.

Faking News: Doctor's Lounge Exclusive

Mumbai: Unhappy with the quality and acting skills of doctors in movies and television soaps, Medical Council of India (MCI) is on the lookout of people to train budding actors as doctors for maintaining the dignity and good quality of care we provide.

Viewers have often complained that doctors declaring a ‘fertile’ female pregnant just because she has early morning vomiting or by just checking her pulse looks more unreal than the facelifts actors get by imaginary plastic surgeons on TV soaps. MCI also has been under tremendous pressure from the Ultrasound Society of India as USG machines have complained that they are not being used in diagnostic purposes on television and they miss being inserted transvaginally. They also alleged that MCI was a corrupt body and its president Dr.Ketan Desai had pocketed crores by allowing promotion of Urine Pregnancy Test (UPT) strips and not supporting their cause.

MCI has apparently approached film director Subhash Ghai (who has recently been in the news for encroaching 20 acres of government land) to vacate the Whistling Woods Film School as quickly as possible so it can start a Dada Kondke Medical acting college soon. Curriculum will include lectures on dressing sense with dirty aprons, make up with bald head and thick spectacles, demanding 30 % doctor's cut, dirty handwriting, diagnostic tests and others.

The next time you hear a doctor actor say, "Main aapke pati ko nai bacha paya" or the famous standard dialogue, "Inhe ab dava ki nai, dua ki zarurat hai", it is bound to bring tears to you eyes.

Intern goes on rampage after getting scolded, empty bladder becomes the root cause.

Mumbai: In a surprising incident at LTMGH, an angry, frustrated, sex starved intern Deepak Kumar blasted the gynecology houseman after receiving a earful himself from the radiologist for shifting a pregnant patient with lower abdominal pain to Ultrasonography (to rule out ectopic pregnancy) with an empty urinary bladder.

Our sources confirmed that the hard working ace phlebotomist Dr.Deepak struggled hard to arrange the USG after 1^st having to drag the patient on a wheelchair himself to the radiology department (due to the perennial running away of the lazy ward boys, a.k.a MAMAS at night time) only to find the USG door locked which angered him even more. He then had to leave the moaning patient and run to the Resident quarters to call the sleepy radiologist on call. (He wished she had let him inside instead of talking through the window sensing risk from the well known Casanova.)

Our ‘Gupt Sutra’, the intern on duty in Surgery Department (identity withheld) reported that Deepak was apparently scolded harshly by the radiologist with the discovery of the patient’s empty urinary bladder and was asked to return only when patient felt like peeing. He was then seen storming out of the USG room to baby cry & complain to the gynecology registrar.

In an exclusive interview to Quackdoses, Deepak explained,“I was really working hard in the gynecology department as it is a specialty of my liking. Unlike others, never did I once complain about having to put a Foley’s catheter before the many caesarian sections in the day. I punctually got the dabbas (Tiffin boxes), Xeroxes, cakes and other items which my registrars & associate professor asked me to pick up. Angered by the incident, I warned the registrar that I would stop being their pet if such incidents happen again after which she too joined me in my fight against corruption.”

Angry interns were seen shouting slogans early next morning against patients for not filling their urinary bladders before coming for USG & refused to resume work till the culprit patient, the radiologist & the houseman (who did not give appropriate instructions) apologized to the Rockstar intern.

An enquiry has now been ordered by the hospital Dean Sangam to look into the bladder…the matter.

Grand junior breaks locker, Interns to mislead.

Mumbai: In a jaw dropping never before seen incident at LTMMC yesterday, a grand junior Pranshul Kamdar broke the locker of an intern (identity withheld), 5 years his senior, on finding that the intern had 2 lockers in the reading room (RR) while he himself had to everyday piggy back all his fat 1st year books including the useless Cunningham. 

In times when the grand juniors are usually seen quietly slipping down the staircase due to the fear of being caught by the seniors for ‘introduction’, have lunch in the distant ‘khopcha’ (corner) of the canteen, Kamdar’s courageous act to break the locker and argue with the angry intern has made him an instant hero in college.  While his He-Man act has managed to catch the eyes of most females in LTMMC, 1st year batch mates are already hailing him as a future General Secretary of the Student Council. Kamdar has meanwhile been elected as the class representative to be the face of the batch for getting ragged & to take attendance every day after lectures for the next 4.5 years. 

“The only reason I joined LTMMC was because the prospectus clearly states that unlike other medical schools, we would be provided with a full cadaver to cut individually, there are facilities of a gymkhana, basketball court, a locker allotted to your name and good looking female seniors, otherwise I was getting AIIMS MBBS through all India PMT. While all other things turned out to be fake like the news article on Faking News: Doctor’s Lounge which angered me, I decided I will at least by the 1st year itself be a proud owner of a marble locker in the RR which I’m officially entitled to”, said Kamdar. 

Angered by the incident, all mama interns have now unanimously decided to boycott the grand juniors and misguide them regarding books and study methods to survive in the MBBS jungle for 5.5 years. They have also threatened to not attend the Intern’s social (an event hosted by the grand juniors for the outgoing interns in LTMMC) till the culprit Kamdar does not return back the locker, with a ‘replaced same to same lock’ or offers a bottle of Old Monk to the victim intern.

Medical College k woh din...

Jab exam mein invigilator strict ho, copy karne na mile toh dukh hota hai,

Par Roll Number ke hisab se middle row ki 1^st bench aa jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab exam mein tum aur tumhara best friend fail ho jayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par tum latak jao aur tumse copy karke woh dost pass ho jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab barish mein naye leather shoes bheeg jayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par hostel mein jab 3-4 din tak underwear na sukhen toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab medical ki padhai ke chakkar mein tum salon tak ghumne na ja pao toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab non medical dost Facebook par foreign trip ki photo dalen toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab internship mein Registrar aur Houseman tumse khana-xerox mangwayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab kamine unn Xerox ya khane ka paisa na den toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab batch ki sabse hot ladki tumhe bhav na de toh dukh hota hai,

Par tumhare best friend ki woh girlfriend ban jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab pata chale ki batch ki sabhi achi ladkiyan booked hain toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab Junior batch mein achi ladkiyan aa jayen aur tum ghur na pao toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab girlfriend se breakup ho jaye toh tute dil ko dukh hota hai,

Par jab who Ex-Girlfriend jald hi naya boyfriend pakadle toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab socho ki zindagi ke 9-10 saal padhai mein, saade jeevan mein laga diye toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab unn medical college ke dinon ko yaad kar aakhon se aasun tapke toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Veterinary physicians who study pharmacology can soon practice allopathy in india.

Mumbai: In a proposal which could further cripple the healthcare sector, already facing the heat due to the moronic government policies, the Health Department has said that veterinary physicians with Bachelor's degree in Veterinary Science (B.V.Sc.) could soon be allowed to prescribe and practice modern allopathic medicine.

With the government’s failure to attract adequate number of students to join MBBS due to the rural bond, 2 crore surety for super-specialization courses, putting a cap on consultation and surgery charges, allowing cross pathy, attack on doctors, etc, this move could sound the death knell for modern medicine in India.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Prime Minister Modi said, “It is not possible legally to allow animal doctors to practice human medicine which they have not studied. Similar to allowances currently given to AYUSH doctors in 13 states, animal doctors wishing to practice allopathy will also have to study human pharmacology. It will be a full course of one year and they will be allowed to practice only after they clear the examination. We wanted to make sure that parents tricking children by scaring them of the ‘ghode wala injection’ at the doctor’s clinic would be a reality before 2019.”

This move has, however, faced stiff objection and opposition from the Indian Medical council (IMA), which fears it could “make way for more quackery”.

“Although there is no denying the fact that humans have started behaving like animals again, allowing integrated practice of human and animal medicine will result in increased number of medical negligence cases. It is unfortunate that our views have not been considered,” a senior IMA member said.

This move is likely to give legal sanction to some 75,000 vets enabling them to practice allopathy.

Indian 'Saas Bahu' serials making viewers retarded, Doctors perplexed.

Mumbai: In a study which has perplexed neurologists and radiologists across the world, it has been found that Indian ‘Saas Bahu’ TV serial viewers suffered from early cerebral atrophy than those who did not watch, and that they are hazardous to the human brain.

In a double blinded randomized control study on the idiotic and irritating Indian TV serial viewers over 10 years, it has been found that the serials have added 0 % intellectual growth in its viewers, with shows defying all logic and have made many sane viewers go retard over time. With serials which seem to have no end but are more like ‘Draupadi ka cheer’ instead, the study concluded that India is fast slipping into becoming the greatest nation in the world when it comes to dumbness.

From Sasural Simar Ka to Saath Nibhana Saathiya to Balika Vadhu, the rotten Indian TV soap industry has now made a reputation of pretty much having the same core theme - a good for nothing husband and a powerful/cruel mother and their innocent Daughter in law; daughter in law facing all kinds of cruel treatments from the family; unbelievable number of kidnappings / injuries /divorces, etc; and the family's favorite time pass being organization of functions every next episode with dance performances without any reason. Unconfirmed reports have claimed that even the actors of these serials laugh after watching the brainless sequences.

The Indian Neurology Society has called for a ban on these serials with legal proceedings against their directors for fooling and making people dumb. The ruling BJP government has meanwhile supported the study and claimed that Congress President Rahul Gandhi’s low IQ was also due to these serials, with mother Sonia rubbishing the claim and stating that ‘he’ was just an untimely accident.

Medicine is no longer lucrative, my prophecy from 2005.

Just happened to find the following scribbled on a piece of paper, and realized it was my impromptu debate competition speech during SLICE at LTMMC’ 2005. 

Remember the time when you were small and sick. The next moment you see a doctor holding a big syringe ready to pull your undies down and give you the hell like feeling. Was that a good feeling? No my friends….not for me at least.

History repeats itself and here I am today going through the same time. Surely I am going to heaven when I die because I am already going through hell.

On this note, respected judges, teachers and my dear friends, I am Mohit Garg and I am going to speak on Medicine is no longer lucrative.

Medicine, the so called golden field is now turning black - Blackened by the privatization of colleges, by the commercialization of this profession, the rural MO ship issues and the flourishing quack business. Along with this, you get a garnish of the risks of occupational hazards. 1 drop of semen can give you a life, and 1 drop of patient’s blood can ruin your life.

Patients have now become customers for the doctors. Medicine now remains only for the rich. See your non doctor friends, moving ahead in life, getting married, enjoying a good family life; and by the time they have a Mercedes, we will be looking for loans to buy a motorcycle.

I advise you to kindly spread this message, those who want to experience life of a mama, come to a medical college. You’ll all turn out to be a ‘speksy, taklu, frustrated, depressed, sex starved and a patient in the psychiatry OPD yourself. By the time you finish medical school, even your girlfriend will look like a maid.

I would like to end this by a great saying, Medicine is like a public toilet, people inside wanting to get out and people outside rushing to get in. For those pursuing it, Medicine will be like a spider which gets entangled in its own web.

The ‘Untold’ truth about Medical CMEs.

Disclaimer – The following article ‘may’ be a work of fiction and is meant purely for sarcasm and humor, reader discretion is advised. 

1. The major motive of CMEs is not to impart updated knowledge / information but to increase in-patient (for admission) referral by attending GPs.

2. Most doctors attend CMEs only for the CME points and unlimited buffet food.

3. Confirmed attendance of the doctors can be doubled or may be tripled if free & unlimited alcohol is on the menu.

4. Those presenting posters and presentations at such CMEs do it only to show off photographs on Facebook and Instagram. Group photos are uploaded on LinkedIn as publicity stunt and marketing gimmick by hospitals & companies.

5. Many doctors attend CMEs to utilize their conference leaves, turn the trip into a vacation (if it is in another city) and also to claim travel allowance from their hospitals/medical colleges.

6. The registration fee of most paid delegates is usually sponsored by a pharmaceutical company, and so is the entire CME.

7. The most dressed person in the entire auditorium is the girl who brings the bouquet/memento to be handed over to the speakers / dignitaries.

8. Most of the slides in everyone’s presentation are from Google search, or inspired from Slideshare.

9. The same presentation already shown by someone will be shown again after few years by the same person.

10. There will always be 1 person in the audience who will click photograph of every slide, and will never see them ever again.

11. There will be few ‘ectopics / question banks’ in the audience who ask irrelevant question during presentations to gain unnecessary attention of other people.

12. A major chunk of the audience is filled up with medical students, interns and residents who are forced to attend for filling up the empty seats in the conference hall.

13. Residents and Interns staying in hostels start preparing for the CME by ‘fasting and starving’ 3 days in advance.

14. The caterers at the CME have to make extra arrangements for ‘Non vegetarian’ dishes, Paneer pieces and sweet dishes.

15. The boredom of the medical students & interns reaches its peak once the data presentation, sensitivity, specificity, and all the other biostatistics ‘bouncers’ appear on screen.

16. A proxy attendance by resident doctors (for their fellow colleagues) of the hospital hosting the CME is also a common practice, after all who will refuse a free certificate and some CME points.

17. Many interns/residents are under the misconception that by mentioning ‘Attended ‘XYZ’ Conclave/CME’ in their resume/CV, helps their chances of securing a job.

18. Also present in the crowd are few ‘cross specialization’ doctors who are short of CME points for their registration renewal, eg. Dermatogist attending a gynecology conclave.

19. Except the first 3-4 rows, most members of the audience will be found continuously on their smart phones and regularly checking Facebook and Whatsapp, ‘WAITING’ for their patient/staff to call.

20. People drop their business cards in such CMEs in expectation of getting some benefit out of it, which is a myth only.

21. The left over / blank CME certificates are never wasted and can be given to friends in desperate need of points.

22. The string of the delegate entry ID card for the CME is also never thrown away and is always recycled for household purposes.

23. No CME is complete without the mandatory return gift of ‘Letter pad, pen and folder’. A real icing on the cake is a participation certificate.

24. It may be a good tactic to serve lunch before the CME, only flipside being the increased somnolescence due to Post lunch hyperglycemia.

25. CMEs are an excellent cure for insomnia, which is fine as long as the person sleeping does not snore loudly.

Protect the hands that Heal...Honor your Doctor.

Disclaimer: A work of fiction or based on true events, I will leave it for the reader to decide.

Scenario – A 70 plus elderly gentleman is brought to the Accident & Emergency Department of a hospital in an unconscious, unresponsive state with no recordable pulse, blood pressure and spontaneous respiration, by an auto rickshaw driver.

No identity of the patient known, No past medical and surgical history available, no mobile phone available (to contact family), no wallet or identity card with the patient.

History - Patient was driving somewhere (alone), felt uncomfortable, stopped his car by the roadside to ask for help, collapsed on stepping out of the car, 3-4 by standers rushed to help, an auto rickshaw driver stopped and volunteered to take the patient to the hospital, none of the bystanders accompanied the patient, patient is drowsy in the auto but manages to tell auto driver to rush patient to the emergency department, becomes unresponsive en route to hospital.

Once the patient reaches the emergency department, the entire team of doctors and nurses sprung into action and all life saving measures were initiated. CPR is started immediately, all life saving drugs were given as per ACLS protocol, patients was intubated, but no ROSC (return of spontaneous circulation) was achieved even after 30 minutes of intense efforts. Code was called off and patient was declared dead on arrival.

A pouch is later found in the patient’s belongings with a pass books and few thousand rupees which he probably would have withdrawn from a bank. On the passbook is a landline number through which the doctor is able to contact his old wife (after multiple attempts of getting in touch), takes the number of his son who was in office from her, calls him too and asks them both to rush to the emergency department. No update regarding the patient’s condition is given to the family members on the phone.

Medico-legal case formalities were initiated and since the cause of death was not known, the police was informed.

Anything wrong or atypical in this scenario? I’m sure many doctors would have come across such events at some point in their career.

Shockers (after the family was told of the turn of events and that the patient was dead):

1) The doctor is questioned by the son that why does he have to pay the bill if the patient was declared ‘dead on arrival’ and if the hospital was not issuing the death certificate.

2) The doctor is threatened by the son, “What if I refuse to pay the bill?”

3) The auto rickshaw driver is questioned that the patient’s phone was missing.

My questions to the readers and the society in general:

1. Why is there so much mistrust against the medical fraternity? Why can’t people think that doctors and nurses try to do their best to save someone’s life, they too are humans, and have emotions, and that it takes much more than courage to see life and death everyday!!

2. Should the doctors and the nurses not even try saving an unaccompanied patient’s life brought to the emergency and directly taken a flat line ECG instead?

3. Why should a hospital write off the entire bill of an affording patient for providing life or limb saving emergency services, when the treatment was initiated without caring for the patient’s ability to pay or not and there was no deficiency of services?

4. Would the son have reacted the same way and questioned the efforts put by the medical team, had the father miraculously survived and managed to reach the ICU even with a guarded prognosis?

5. If educated & English speaking people can indirectly threaten the doctor of putting false allegations that the body of the deceased is forcefully being kept by the hospital for non-payment of dues, what can the medical fraternity expect from the lower socioeconomic people?

6. If an uneducated auto rickshaw driver can offer to help (without caring about any legal hassles), why can’t other bystanders and onlookers come forward?

Conclusion - After 4 hours, the bill was finally cleared by the son who showed no remorse for his actions of questioning the credibility of the doctor and the medical team.

The phone was left by the patient at home, later discovered by the wife.

I really wonder what will change the perception of the society in general that all doctors are heartless cheats, and a hospital is only a money making business enterprise. The future of healthcare and humanity surely doesn’t seem bright!!

Doctors - Heal Your Profession.

Dear Doctors,

Our fraternity is in danger!

Your years of hard work & experience are being questioned and scrutinized!

Headlines in newspapers like ‘Doctor arrested’, ‘Doctor beaten up’, ‘Nursing home vandalized’, ‘Doctor caught accepting bribe’ are becoming increasingly common. The Prime Minister’s statements against the medical fraternity in London recently have also put a blot on our profession on international stage. In such testing times, we have to stand together. Today it may be someone else, tomorrow it can be you!

Be rest assured, none of your patients, their relatives, the clubs (Rotary/Lions/NGOs) for whom you regularly conduct health awareness talks or programs will stand up for you. You will have to stand up for yourself and face the reality. Reality that the laws are anti doctor, the media is anti doctor, the SYSTEM IS ANTI DOCTOR, the definition of the doctor patient relationship is changing. No matter how good, empathetic, compassionate, clinically sound you might be, patients and their relatives will label you as a money sucking professional, a pimp and a devil who survives and thrives on the misery of others.

This is the sad truth of what is being portrayed today by the media. Death happening at the hand of ‘quacks’, raids at the nursing home of unregistered practitioners, and those culprits are portrayed as ‘Doctors’. We are all aware to what level the media has fallen. News can be planted, media houses can be bought and muted, rumors can easily be spread on social media, a person’ image can be tarnished within seconds, because all responsible and moral journalism is dead.

I want every doctor to take a pledge today, a promise for a safe and secure future for themselves and their family.

1. Make sure you document your clinical notes in clear, legible handwriting, and that it is dated and timed.

2. Don’t rely completely on your resident doctor alone, but cross check if his/her orders are correctly written too.

3. Make sure that patients and relatives are regularly updated about the treatment and the improvement/deterioration in patient’s condition.

4. Always explain the criticality and prognosis of the illness to the patient and their relatives.

5. Be sensitive while declaring death – in a private room, in presence of someone, with clear communication.

6. Do not speak ill of your colleagues. Work place politics or jealousy is present in every industry, but it should not be visible in front of patient or relatives.

7. Be extra cautious in all medico-legal cases; double cross check all your documentation.

8. Do not try to treat patients beyond your specialization. There is nothing wrong in taking cross referrals.

9. Do not prescribe any medication without examining the patient through phone or any electronic media.

10. Charging consultation fees is your right, no one can dictate terms on it.

11. Always make sure the procedure consents are completely filled and duty signed, all possible complications are entered and explained to the patient/ relatives.

12. Don’t let your personal, family or social life suffer due to your profession. Take care of your own health. Also, it is good to hang out with your work colleagues.

13. Don’t get emotionally attached to your patients.

14. If opportunity comes, go abroad. You will be valued more as a doctor there and the quality of life will surely be better than that in India currently.

15. Order only those diagnostics tests which are indicated and can be interpreted by you.

16. Avoid taking phone calls during a consultation, unless indicated.

17. Have patient education brochures and fliers in your clinic / department.

18. Write your medication prescriptions in both generics and trade (brand) names.

19. Documentation of your Communication and Communication of your Documentation is the extremely important today.

20. Think twice before encouraging your children to pursue medicine as a profession, to go through the suffering of this failed system. Please don’t!!

And for the few bad sheep in the medical fraternity who are tarnishing the image of this profession, it is my sincere request to you to stop accepting any gifts/presents from the medical representatives; stop accepting any cuts/commission for any reference to higher centre, diagnostic laboratory or imaging centre. I’m sure you’ll make enough money, have a better quality of life and a peaceful sleep without getting involved in such malpractice.

It is high time we all stick together to bring this professional back to its lost glory and trust.

"Black buck died of cardio-respiratory arrest, committed suicide," claims vet.

Jodhpur: A day after Salman Khan walked out of the Jodhpur Central Jail, a local veterinary doctor has claimed that the 2 black bucks in question had committed suicide and he had himself certified ‘cardio-respiratory arrest’ as their cause of death.

The sessions court in its decision yesterday had given Khan ‘benefit of doubt’ with the observation that ‘Bhai is always innocent’. He has to be pardoned for his 'good conduct' and 'charity' to the judges, which successfully kept him out of jail for 20 years with generous ‘tarik pe tarik’ by them.

“Salman was framed by fabricating evidence for actually saving a dear fawn stuck in the bush!! The veterinary doctor’s claim proves what we had been saying all along. There is no doubt that the police and the forest department fudged the case and manipulated unreliable witnesses,” said the controversial actor’s counsel Feku Vakil in a statement to the Quackdoses.

The Bishnoi community, predictably angry at the decision of the sessions court, has rubbished the doctor’s claim and has approached Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal to verify if the B.M.V.Sc degree (Bachelor in Masters of Veterinary Science) was fake, and that it will file a petition in the Rajasthan high court challenging the grant of bail to the actor.

Shocked patient gets shocked after Mediclaim gets approved.

Mumbai: In a surprising incident which has perplexed even the learned medical pundits at the Quackdoses, a 32 year old IT professional Sujit Deshmukh who had recently recovered from neurogenic shock suffered from neurogenic shock again when his mediclaim was approved without any queries or running around in various departments of the hospital which he was admitted in.

It is a well known fact that medical insurance companies have now become more pain than gain; and that they are there to deny, delay, confuse and refuse policy holders. Instead of making life easier for both the insured and the insurers, they actually end up doing the opposite by finding ways to deny coverage. They’ll do anything to avoid paying, because if they wait long enough, they know the policyholders will die. At the same time, they exploit the bad handwriting of the doctors to fabricate words and reject claims. The disclaimer are the end of their television advertisements too are read so fast that no one can humanely understand and comprehend what was being said but blindly adhere to their terms and conditions.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses (from his hospital bed), Deshmukh said, “My wife had suddenly and unusually started caring for me and loving me more than she did in the last 11 months. Before I could realize that it was all because of the appraisal month of March with its salary day coming close, my blood pressure fell and I started having dizziness on seeing her with a glass of water as soon as I entered home after office. I faked a fainting spell but the doctors named it neurogenic shock and admitted me in the hospital. Now I actually suffered from it when my claim got passed without any hassles.”

It has now come to light that the Mediclaim Insurance company doctor was facing a similar situation at the hands of his better half and sanctioned the claim on humanitarian grounds with no questions asked.

Man claims his mother "vibrates", research on new symptom underway.

Mumbai: In a never before reported incident in the history of medical science, a man has claimed that his mother who was having fever since 2 days has started “vibrating”.

Mobile shop owner Pappu Pager who brought his sick mother to the Emergency Department at the Quakdoses Multispeciality Hospital made the perplexing revelation. When the duty doctor tried to explain that she could just be shivering, Mr. Pager argued, “My mother’s teeth were not chattering but instead her entire body was “vibrating” and my credibility should not be questioned as I have been part of this mobile industry since the days Nokia launched the mobile phones with a vibrator.”

Among intense pressure with the general public already scared from the COVID 19, the information of the new symptom has been conveyed to WHO and the writers of Harrisons Principle of Internal Medicine who have sent their representatives Dr. Arun Swaminathan and Dr. Deepak Kumar Singh respectively to investigate the matter.

The treating Physician Dr. K'abhi Matbann has however refused to comment on the developments and the patient’s management till the complete blood workup reports are available.

Meanwhile, The Quackdoses Hospital & Research Institute has been flooded with queries from young women for existence of any drug which produces “vibrations” as its primary effect if given to their boyfriend or husband.

P.S- This is a true incident when a man told me, "Mummy ko 2 din se bahut fever hai and aj subah se toh woh bahut "Vibrate" maar rahi hai."

Bridge course only for AYUSH practitioners draws ire, compounders protest.

Mumbai: Compounders across India are strongly opposing a provision in the National Medical Commission Bill, tabled in the parliament recently that seeks to allow AYUSH practitioners (Ayurveda, Yoga and Naturopathy, Unani, Siddha and Homoeopathy) practice modern (allopathic) medicine after clearing a bridge course.

The Compounder’s Association of India are up in arms against the proposal saying it is akin to “giving legal sanction to quackery in the country” and that they should also be allowed to learn the bridge course.

In India, the number of quacks - from hakims with no education at all, to qualified vaidyas with an affinity for prescribing allopathic medicines - has increased. Most compounders are graduates and even school dropouts who are employed as ‘helpers’ but often start running their own ‘clinics’ after ‘experience and training’ under MBBS doctors for few years.

In an exclusive interview with The Quackdoses, Dr. Jhola Chaap said, “Compounders are entrepreneurs who have picked up bits and pieces of medicine through informal apprenticeships and built up large practices on their own. It takes years of study and discipline to become a compounder of modern medicine. The new bill will lead to an army of quacks in the country, and we want to be part of that army. Allowing compounders to legally take up integrated practice will not only help in curbing quackery but also ensure that maximum people get timely treatment.”

Meanwhile, Veterinary physicians have also demanded similar 6 month bridge course instead of the proposed 1 year course in pharmacology to practice allopathy, as exclusively reported by the Quackdoses recently.

Doctors rush to get hitched after PG entrance exam, wedding planners cheerful.

Mumbai: In unexpected developments which have surprised even the experienced marriage pundits who got doctors to bite the bullet in the past, it has been seen that there is a rush among medical students to get engaged / married immediately after next week's NEET PG medical entrance exam.

A survey conducted by The QuackDoses revealed that while previously girls after easily securing a PG seat though both, the general and the women category would wait for their MBBS days boyfriend to get a PG seat after a 2 or 3 year drop, they now prefer to get engaged / married immediately after their 1st attempt together just to change their Facebook relationship status from ‘Its Complicated’ to ‘Engaged / Married’.

With recent reports of non IIT engineers not getting placed this year, many engineering colleges shutting down, market trends of engineers being ready to work for 5K and those with additional MBA degree for 20K, parents of medical students too seem to be happy to get rid of their already frustrated child and let them marry a MBBS graduate, now in demand as RMOs in corporate hospitals across the country.

Our Samwadata spoke to Dr. Tharki Kunwara who is preparing to give his 3rd PG attempt in 2018. “My Facebook home page news feed is flooded with people creating life events of getting engaged or married. Even my best friend who always said that he was doing ‘TP’ with his girlfriend is actually getting married to her in the week after the exam. It is most frustrating is to see the photographs of my juniors getting hitched too. How can people not wait till 1st or 2nd year of residency?”

Whether such changing trends are means of male medical students to ‘once in a lifetime’ get more than 100 likes on their profile pictures or for the BF waiting females to avoid the other batch mates who start hitting on them through Whatsapp / Facebook Messenger, only time will tell.

Although the wedding planners seem to be celebrating their unexpectedly expanding client base, the developments could spell doomsday for single male doctors who finally secure ‘The coveted PG seat’ but would now fail to find any suitors.

Don't mess with Rahul Gandhi, he could be your next doctor. - Congress

New Delhi: Four weeks after Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi shared images of himself practicing Aikido with Sensei Paritos Kar to support his claim of having a black belt in the sport, the Congress party has now claimed today that Pappu is also a gold medalist doctor and had completed his MBBS from the prestigious Jholachap Institute of Medical Science (JIMS) in New Delhi.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Rahul said, “The ability to crack jokes and talk non sense has only come after years of practice as a medical student where people talk crap during viva exams and give answers totally unrelated to the question asked. I also decided to get married late, similar to my friends in the medical fraternity. Modiji thought that I was a fool, but laughter is best medicine and that is what I have been providing all these years.”

An RTI has revealed that Dr. Rahul was actually doing his rural bond MOship in Rae Bareily after completion of his graduation and used to visit there only during the inspection by the District Health Officer (DHO).

The BJP leadership has ordered a CBI enquiry to ascertain if the money used by the congress party on election is from the 30% cuts and commission Pappu gets from lab and radiology centers for referring patients. They have also accused that such claims were nothing but publicity stunts before the upcoming Gujarat election and that Rahul had only become paranoid after watching Govinda’s ‘Raja Babu’ movie recently.

The public is now waiting for Rahul’s photo-shopped images to be released by the Congress with a stethoscope around his neck.

BJP: Modi suffering from laryngitis, refusing medications.

PM Modi undergoing examination of his oral cavity at Dr. Feku's Clinic.

Mumbai: In the wake of growing public unrest due to the crippling economy, and voices growing louder against the Prime Minister’s silence, BJP spokesperson Arnab Goswami (since a BJP minister’s investment in Republic TV) produced a medical certificate stating that PM Modi is suffering from a severe case of laryngitis and has been advised rest till further orders from the RSS.

Laryngitis is known to be caused by inflammation of the larynx and can often result in the temporary loss of voice. It is primarily caused by a strain on the larynx from talking or singing for long periods and is commonly seen in people ranging from performers to actors.

“With evolving comedians and actors like Kejriwal, Rahul Gandhi and Modi, the incidence of laryngitis is increasing in Politicians too,” claimed actor Prakash Raj while commenting that PM was a better actor than him.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Feku, Modi’s personal ENT specialist said, “The PM has for the entire year been monotonously singing about demonitization, bringing black money back, advantages of GST, ending corruption and Adhar card (which will eventually get linked to everything, except election Card) which has strained his vocal chords. Becoming a prime minister itself is a risk factor for laryngitis with ex-Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh suffering from it apart from his mask like face due to Parkinson’s disease for over 10 years when UPA was under power.”

Meanwhile, MCI has claimed that Doctors are finding it increasingly difficult to treat politicians with oral medications after Modi’s diktat on medicines ‘Na Khaunga, na Khane Dunga’.

Medicine with a soul.

A 36 year old male was brought in a state of cardiac arrest. Me and my team immediately swung into action. We intubated the patient, started CPR, gave all life saving drugs and after 15 minutes of gruesome resuscitation efforts, a return of spontaneous circulation was achieved. The downtime of the patient was almost 20 -25 minutes (including the transfer from private nursing home in ambulance and the resuscitation in our A&E department) and the patient landed up with hypoxic ishaemic encephalopathy. 

I was walking into the canteen for my breakfast when the patient’s brother came to see me. He thanked me and just hugged me tightly as he started crying profusely. It was enough for the family that the patient was alive, opening his eyes intermittently and was trying to say his words. He also told me that the patient had a 5 year old daughter, and on seeing her, tears started coming from the corner of the eyes of a father who hadn’t woken up for a long time. Almost 15-20 onlookers were there in the canteen, nobody said a word or blinked an eye as this episode happened. After a prolonged stay of almost 1 month in the ICU, the patient was discharged on a tracheostomy with a peg tube that same day.

What makes me write this post is the lack of empathy in many doctors these days. I do not say that all doctors fall in that category but the way the healthcare industry is evolving, there is a mistrust building up which is spoiling the sacred doctor patient relationship. At the same time, there is no denying the fact that doctors are overburdened with the problems of electronic medical records (where they have no option but to give less time to the patient as they type the notes in the computer system during history taking), they are given targets by corporate hospital of seeing ‘n’ number of patients on a daily basis, the unsaid practice of giving cuts, fear of the increasing number of medico-legal cases, etc. With evolving trends, the noble profession is completely becoming commercial similar to the airline and the hotel industry. So in my opinion, it is not the right direction in which healthcare industry is moving.

During my residency in Kokilaben hospital I gave a presentation highlighting the qualities of a good doctor (the image above). We came up with a general plan and then we took a vote among us. 

The Startling Result.

And from this you can see that it is not the medical management, it is not the treatment that comes as a priority but the right communication, the humility, the empathy and the compassion of doctors towards their patients. What lacks in today’s healthcare industry and what is the expectation of most patients is 'the human touch'. It is the care and their expectation to be treated as a human first.

I hope to see better days in our profession. I hope doctors work hard to hone these soft skills too and bring this profession back to its glorious days where joining medicine was considered noble and doctors were treated next to God.

Aamir diagnosed with swine flu, accuses medical students of abuse.

Mumbai: Aamir Khan along with his wife Kiran Rao was diagnosed with Swine Flu yesterday. Despite being on generic Oseltamivir, his condition worsened and he underwent emergency intubation today.

52-year-old ‘Mr. Perfectionist’, who was taken to Quackdoses Hospital yesterday for breathlessness and cough complained of uneasiness after a group of medical students surrounded him for revision of their systemic examination before the upcoming University exams next month. Our sources confirmed that few interns also tried multiple failed attempts of securing an IV line on him and he complained severe chest pain when one of the interns told him that they would now practice putting a Foley’s catheter. Failing to interpret the X-Ray, the panicky CMO and interns at Quackdoses Hospital decided to shift Aamir to nearby Mohalla clinic where he was detected with ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome).

“Aamir had suddenly very shallow and rapid breathing which necessitated immediate intubation and ventilation. The patient is stable now and is admitted in the critical care unit,” said Dr. Hruday Fefde, a leading Pulmonologist in Mumbai.

Shallow and rapid breathing is normally seen in Asthamatic, COPD, ILD or LVF patients but it also results from a break up in relationships, failing in University Exams, not getting internship completion sign from HOD, scarcity of good looking batch mates, etc said a physician who suffered from similar symptoms in his undergraduate days. He said that the intubation is a minor procedure for Dr. Fefde who did his residency at The QuackDoses Hospital & Research Institute, Mumbai.

With the fear of the eagle eyed medical undergraduates looking for case presentations for their clinics looming large, Aamir has expressed his wish to be quickly taken to Baba Ramdev’s Patanajli Ashram than spending a few days in the ward, said a worried Kiran Rao.

Doctors have meanwhile asked Aamir to publicly apologize for his statements against the medical fraternity, or else keep his Aadhar Card ready.

To Sir, with Love.

In our journey of growing up, we come across many teachers from school to college and through under graduation to post graduation who selflessly help mold us as a person and shape our career. Some of them leave an ever lasting impression on you. Following is one such letter to my teacher, Dr. Sanjay Mehta - Director, Accident & Emergency, Kokilaben Dhirubhai Ambani Hospital I wrote to few days back.

Respected Sir,

I had thought of personally writing to you many times in past, but better late than never.

It gives me immense pleasure to inform you that I'm really enjoying my work here at Dr. L.H. Hiranandani Hospital. I've got a good opportunity and made the most of it within a short interval of time, with work at the hospital feeling like being part of a big family.

With the training we received at Kokilaben Hospital, and with teachers like you and Dr. Rathi, we are all doing very well in life and feel settled from a career point of view. I really feel satisfied to have literally set up the Accident and Emergency department in 3-4 months. I have no shame in accepting that a lot of the paper work, SOPs, and protocols are inspired by whatever you have taught us, after all they are the best and most systematic that they ever could be.

I have really worked very hard in the last few months and I now have a job profile that I could have only dreamt of so early in my life, being the administrative and clinical in charge of the A&E, no night shifts, offs on Sundays and public holidays, etc. Even the hospital administration and medico-legal diplomas I had done are coming in handy now along with all the AHA courses, I guess God really had a plan for me. On a funny note, I have lost more hair here in 10 months than that at KDAH over 4 years.

The management and patients are really appreciating my work here, I get a lot of good feedback from patients on mails and I would attribute it to you for your guidance and giving me an opportunity to be a part of KDAH A&E, 1st as a resident doctor and then as an Masters in Emergency Medicine (MEM) candidate.

You and the hospital have really played a pivotal role in molding us, our skills, character, confidence and whatever little of emergency medicine I know, is always because of all of you. Many youngsters might say that they want to be like their father, but I personally respect you so much that I always idolize you as a teacher, a guide, a department head, a boss and as a person who has supported us always and achieve so much. 

Thank you for everything.

Regards - Mohit Garg

and the unexpected reply within 10 minutes of my mail, that too on a Sunday morning from Dr. Sanjay Mehta - “Many congratulations for your achievements. It is your passion that drives you to achieve your dreams. There can be nothing more satisfying for a teacher than to see his students carving out a brilliant career. It is a privilege and pride for me to have students like you. Wish you all the success and glory in life.”

Bride elopes with medical representative, groom gives her DAMA.

Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is the husband !

Mumbai: In a shocking incident which has brought more shame to the medical fraternity than what Arvind Kejriwal has brought to the people of Delhi, a bride-to-be Dr. Kriti (name changed) who was to get married to a doctor next week, eloped with a medical representative yesterday.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Rohit, the grieving groom-to-be said, “She was always fond of the freebees and gifts the Medical Reps give to doctors. She often told me that she is marrying a clinician only because of the travel perks for conferences and frequent gifts the MRs give along with the free samples of medications. In spite of being a pathologist, she had also expressed her desire of opening up a stationary shop, exclusively of pens soon after marriage. Never had I imagined that she would actually elope with a MR just for the free pens and letter pads.”

With the news going viral on social media platforms, many scared doctors have already started prescribing generic medicines to patients to limit the entry of medical reps to their home / clinics and do ‘nain matakka’ with their daughters. Prime Minister Narendra Modi in his speech on occasion of World Yoga day in Delhi yesterday hailed the girl as a hero for eloping; and for single handedly bringing about this new dawn in the healthcare industry which the government had been unsuccessful in implementing in the past few decades.

Our gupt sutra have confirmed that to avoid medico-legal hassles in future, Dr. Rohit has taken the ‘DAMA-Discharged against medical advice’ consent from the girl’s parents. Also, inside sources have revealed that Dr. Rohit has however decided to not cancel his bachelor party, a move which has put medical pundits in dilemma if the groom-to-be is actually celebrating or grieving the news.

Self diagnosing ultrasonography machine invented, emergency physicians and surgeons celebrate.

Mumbai: In an astonishing breakthrough which can be considered a boon for the healthcare industry, a team of doctors and scientists at the Quackdoc multipseciality hospital have invented a self diagnosing and self reporting Utrasonography (USG) machine, much to the relief of doctors worldwide, more so for the surgeons and emergency physicians.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Samrat, the mastermind of the whole project said, “The inspiration for the machine was a recent full-blown catfight between our senior Surgeon Dr. Sadita (name changed) and our radiologist Dr. Anvita (name changed), 2 friends who were like Krishna and Sudama before the unfortunate incident. For years, the standard confusing radiology report of ‘a suspicious looking vermiform tube with its view obscured by bowel gas, co-relate clinically, advised CT Abdomen & Pelvis with contrast’ has been a bone of contention between the radiologists and surgeons/emergency physicians who have to then depend on the raised White Blood Cell count in CBC before taking the patient to the Operation theatre irrespective of the USG report. We are confident that our product will solve such predicament globally and our beloved doctors will be back to discussing cosmetics, men and shopping again, just like old days”.

On being asked when the machine would be unveiled for use in day to day clinical practice, Dr. Samrat commented, “We are still having technical glitches. The cases which are self diagnosed as Appendicitis by the machine are reported as ‘Hell yeah it is Acute Appendicitis, in your face!!’ and also our newly developed trademark probe with tentacles on it for diagnosis of torsion testis tend to squeeze on to the scrotal sac with far more pressure than desired, a feeling which has not gone down too well with the patients enrolled in our clinical trial.

Alcohol is the medicine to life and joining medicine is injurious to health. :Study

Dammit, forgot to bring Chakna today.

Mumbai: In a jaw dropping research conducted at the Quackdoses Multispecialty Hospital, a team of doctors and scientists have claimed that ‘Alcohol is the medicine to life and joining medicine is injurious to health’.

In an exclusive interview with our gupt samwadata, Dr. K'Abhi Matbann, the lead scientist on the project said, “WHO defines health as a state of complete sexual, financial and egoistic well being. It is a well established fact that medical students after joining MBBS become socially outcast, depressed, sex starved, sleep deprived, fat, old and ugly which has long term psychological and physical health risks.”

In the double blinded study, it was found that students who regularly drank alcohol and smoked weed were found to be happier, healthier and relaxed giving no fucking care towards their family, politics, studies and the country. On the contrary, alcohol has come out to be one of the most potent antidote against the poison called ‘joining MBBS’.

Meanwhile, engineering students have challenged the claim and have started an online petition that porn and sex is the medicine to life, but not alcohol. To counter the claim, medical students have demanded state of the art LAN in all medical colleges to have free Wi-Fi access to an unlimited supply of porn where they do not have to struggle to catch bleak signals of Wi-Fi somewhere in the canteen.

Wigs & cosmetics to create 1000s of doctors: MUHS

Mumbai: With the sharp decline in the number of aspiring medical students seen after 12 states and 4 Union Territories favored making it mandatory for medical students to clear the National Exit Test (NEXT) to get the ‘doctor’ title, the Medical Council of India (MCI) which has been famous for mentally torturing medical students has now gone into damage control mode and has come up with new ways to woo science students to join medicine and repent for the rest of their lives.

It has been observed that most male doctors get partially bald and girls look ugly and old by the time they pass MBBS. This has led to a decrease in the charm and sex appeal of young doctors who no longer find medicine to be lucrative, after all ‘item patana’ and ‘patna’ is the new generation mantra. In a critical meeting of the illiterate babus, it was decided that MCI will now give wigs for males and cosmetic hamper to females as souvenirs after clearing the NEXT on their convocation along with their medical degrees. It was further decided that the top 3 students from each college will be given hair transplant and free breast augmentation for males and females respectively.

Keeping in mind the recent attacks on doctors and onslaught faced by medical professionals by the hands of Indian politician and judiciary all over the India, MCI seems hopeful about this groundbreaking move to prevent youngsters from dropping out of medical schools. Stripped off of right to have a secure and comfortable life, MCI`s lure of a bountiful youth (no matter how short lived it is) and promise of a great sex life (after passing their prime of youth), may prove as only solace to medical students.

Students and doctors from across the country have expressed their displeasure about the introduction of the NEXT. Even the promise of head full of hair and glowing skin in their prime years in lieu of passing `just another exam’ is not proving to be that rewarding.

Dr. K’abhi Matbann, a mama intern from Mumbai says, “Getting into MBBS is like going to a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out. What is the point of awarding beauty packages in NEXT ‘after’ MBBS when good looks are labeled as mandate for passing MBBS professional exams every year, especially for girls.”

Only time will tell whether wigs and cosmetics will coax students to take up medicine as a career or not, but moronic medical pundits say it is a master stroke played by MCI and positive results will soon be seen.

Neglect at family function lands doctor in ICU.

Mumbai: In a never before incident in the history of medical education, a freshly graduated MBBS doctor was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of a local hospital in psychological shock after being completely neglected by his relatives at a family function yesterday.

It is a common problem faced by young medical graduates attending any family function (venue for professional exploitation) that distant relatives who often have no fucking idea about medicine as a career option start giving free career guidance advice,tips to pursue post graduate specialization, taunt about younger cousins settling down professionally, come up with weird long standing medical queries etc, apart from frequently recommending matrimonial matches at every function.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K.Abhi Matbann said, “I was completely taken aback when the function was about to end, people started leaving and not even a single relative had come up to me to give any professional advice or had any query. Even complete strangers claiming to be my neighbors and asking for free consultations, free medical leave certificates, free medicine samples and expecting me to regularly come to their house to check their blood pressure for free did not bother me at all. Earlier, I would really wish I could take revenge by brainwashing their children to take up medicine as a career.”

Seeing political opportunity in the poor doctor’s plight, future Punjab Chief Minister Sardar Arvind Kejriwal has publicly announced that if he is successful in fooling an entire state for the second time, he will allot a free Internal Medicine PG seat at PGI Chandigarh to Dr. Matbann.

Bass yahi din dekhna baki tha....

Among all tricks known to Indian parents to coax their children to finish any meal, scaring them of the Police, the building watchman, the non existent ‘bhoot’, ‘chudail’, threat to lock them in a dark bathroom or the famous ‘chuhe wali kothri’ were at the top. I was left speechless when I was entering the building today and I heard a mother say to her kid, “Yeh wahi doctor uncle hain…Jo bacche khana nai khaate naa, unhe who bada wala injection lagane aa jate hain”.

On the bright side, I remembered the famous dialogue of the legendary Gabbar Singh from the movie Sholay, “Yahan se pachas pachas kos door gaon mein ... jab bachcha raat ko rota hai, toh maa kehti hai bete soo ja ... soo ja nahi toh Gabbar Singh aa jayega.” At least now I can boast to my children and grandchildren in future, that mothers used to scare their children saying, “Khana kha le, warna Doctor Mohit aa jayega”.

This is the 2nd extracurricular recognition that I have got from patients or their relatives in my medical career. The 1st was during my internship when on entering the surgery ward to collect blood samples of patients in morning, a relative said to his patient, “Who khoon niklane wale doctor aa gaye”.

Soch raha hun ki yeh skills bhi apni professional likedin job profile pe update kar dun.

Demonetisation: Modi still rocks, will sponsor free shocks.

Mumbai – 2 days after Congress President Sonia Gandhi’s announcement of Rs. 5 crore to anyone who increases Rahul’s IQ as reported by the Quackdoses, Prime Minister Narendra Modi while addressing his rally at Mumbai today to propagate cashless economy has announced the sponsorship of free Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT/shock therapy) for Rahul Gandhi, Arvind Kejriwal and Mamta Bannerjee.

Over the last 2 weeks, BJP leaders have on record made statements to the press that Mamta Bannerjee suffers from hallucinations, Arvind Kejriwal suffers from Chronic Modi- Psychosis and that Rahul Gandhi needs an evaluation by a Psychiatrist (and a Pediatrician as well for his growth charts!!). Unconfirmed source have claimed that BJP has already tied up with the Quackdoses multispecialty hospital to give 5 cycles of free ECT as a pilot project to the 3 leaders, before expanding the project to other politicians too.

Our gupt samwadata spoke to Dr. Shock Detomi, Mumbai’s leading psychiatrist who said, “ECT is a type of therapy in which electric currents are passed through the brain causing brief seizures with ‘chemical loccha’ in the brain and is indicated only for select symptoms, similar to those seen in the 3 since the announcement of the demonitization drive. Pappu suffers from Delusions of Grandeur (believes that he is a deity, has special powers like being able to cause an earthquake), Kejriwal suffers from Delusion of Persecution (Believes that others ie. Modi — is plotting to get him killed or poisoned) and Mamta suffers from Schizophrenia (mental disorder involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behaviour, leading to faulty perception and inappropriate actions) evident from the announcement of ‘Modi Hatao, desh Bacho’ campaign.”

Meanwhile, the Bar Owners Association of India has announced the boycott of cashless transactions as customers have not been able to recall the pin number after the drinks.