Doctors rush to get hitched after PG entrance exam, wedding planners cheerful.

Mumbai: In unexpected developments which have surprised even the experienced marriage pundits who got doctors to bite the bullet in the past, it has been seen that there is a rush among medical students to get engaged / married immediately after next week's NEET PG medical entrance exam.

A survey conducted by The QuackDoses revealed that while previously girls after easily securing a PG seat though both, the general and the women category would wait for their MBBS days boyfriend to get a PG seat after a 2 or 3 year drop, they now prefer to get engaged / married immediately after their 1st attempt together just to change their Facebook relationship status from ‘Its Complicated’ to ‘Engaged / Married’.

With recent reports of non IIT engineers not getting placed this year, many engineering colleges shutting down, market trends of engineers being ready to work for 5K and those with additional MBA degree for 20K, parents of medical students too seem to be happy to get rid of their already frustrated child and let them marry a MBBS graduate, now in demand as RMOs in corporate hospitals across the country.

Our Samwadata spoke to Dr. Tharki Kunwara who is preparing to give his 3rd PG attempt in 2018. “My Facebook home page news feed is flooded with people creating life events of getting engaged or married. Even my best friend who always said that he was doing ‘TP’ with his girlfriend is actually getting married to her in the week after the exam. It is most frustrating is to see the photographs of my juniors getting hitched too. How can people not wait till 1st or 2nd year of residency?”

Whether such changing trends are means of male medical students to ‘once in a lifetime’ get more than 100 likes on their profile pictures or for the BF waiting females to avoid the other batch mates who start hitting on them through Whatsapp / Facebook Messenger, only time will tell.

Although the wedding planners seem to be celebrating their unexpectedly expanding client base, the developments could spell doomsday for single male doctors who finally secure ‘The coveted PG seat’ but would now fail to find any suitors.

Don't mess with Rahul Gandhi, he could be your next doctor. - Congress

New Delhi: Four weeks after Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi shared images of himself practicing Aikido with Sensei Paritos Kar to support his claim of having a black belt in the sport, the Congress party has now claimed today that Pappu is also a gold medalist doctor and had completed his MBBS from the prestigious Jholachap Institute of Medical Science (JIMS) in New Delhi.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Rahul said, “The ability to crack jokes and talk non sense has only come after years of practice as a medical student where people talk crap during viva exams and give answers totally unrelated to the question asked. I also decided to get married late, similar to my friends in the medical fraternity. Modiji thought that I was a fool, but laughter is best medicine and that is what I have been providing all these years.”

An RTI has revealed that Dr. Rahul was actually doing his rural bond MOship in Rae Bareily after completion of his graduation and used to visit there only during the inspection by the District Health Officer (DHO).

The BJP leadership has ordered a CBI enquiry to ascertain if the money used by the congress party on election is from the 30% cuts and commission Pappu gets from lab and radiology centers for referring patients. They have also accused that such claims were nothing but publicity stunts before the upcoming Gujarat election and that Rahul had only become paranoid after watching Govinda’s ‘Raja Babu’ movie recently.

The public is now waiting for Rahul’s photo-shopped images to be released by the Congress with a stethoscope around his neck.

BJP: Modi suffering from laryngitis, refusing medications.

PM Modi undergoing examination of his oral cavity at Dr. Feku's Clinic.

Mumbai: In the wake of growing public unrest due to the crippling economy, and voices growing louder against the Prime Minister’s silence, BJP spokesperson Arnab Goswami (since a BJP minister’s investment in Republic TV) produced a medical certificate stating that PM Modi is suffering from a severe case of laryngitis and has been advised rest till further orders from the RSS.

Laryngitis is known to be caused by inflammation of the larynx and can often result in the temporary loss of voice. It is primarily caused by a strain on the larynx from talking or singing for long periods and is commonly seen in people ranging from performers to actors.

“With evolving comedians and actors like Kejriwal, Rahul Gandhi and Modi, the incidence of laryngitis is increasing in Politicians too,” claimed actor Prakash Raj while commenting that PM was a better actor than him.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Feku, Modi’s personal ENT specialist said, “The PM has for the entire year been monotonously singing about demonitization, bringing black money back, advantages of GST, ending corruption and Adhar card (which will eventually get linked to everything, except election Card) which has strained his vocal chords. Becoming a prime minister itself is a risk factor for laryngitis with ex-Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh suffering from it apart from his mask like face due to Parkinson’s disease for over 10 years when UPA was under power.”

Meanwhile, MCI has claimed that Doctors are finding it increasingly difficult to treat politicians with oral medications after Modi’s diktat on medicines ‘Na Khaunga, na Khane Dunga’.

Medicine with a soul.

A 36 year old male was brought in a state of cardiac arrest. Me and my team immediately swung into action. We intubated the patient, started CPR, gave all life saving drugs and after 15 minutes of gruesome resuscitation efforts, a return of spontaneous circulation was achieved. The downtime of the patient was almost 20 -25 minutes (including the transfer from private nursing home in ambulance and the resuscitation in our A&E department) and the patient landed up with hypoxic ishaemic encephalopathy. 

I was walking into the canteen for my breakfast when the patient’s brother came to see me. He thanked me and just hugged me tightly as he started crying profusely. It was enough for the family that the patient was alive, opening his eyes intermittently and was trying to say his words. He also told me that the patient had a 5 year old daughter, and on seeing her, tears started coming from the corner of the eyes of a father who hadn’t woken up for a long time. Almost 15-20 onlookers were there in the canteen, nobody said a word or blinked an eye as this episode happened. After a prolonged stay of almost 1 month in the ICU, the patient was discharged on a tracheostomy with a peg tube that same day.

What makes me write this post is the lack of empathy in many doctors these days. I do not say that all doctors fall in that category but the way the healthcare industry is evolving, there is a mistrust building up which is spoiling the sacred doctor patient relationship. At the same time, there is no denying the fact that doctors are overburdened with the problems of electronic medical records (where they have no option but to give less time to the patient as they type the notes in the computer system during history taking), they are given targets by corporate hospital of seeing ‘n’ number of patients on a daily basis, the unsaid practice of giving cuts, fear of the increasing number of medico-legal cases, etc. With evolving trends, the noble profession is completely becoming commercial similar to the airline and the hotel industry. So in my opinion, it is not the right direction in which healthcare industry is moving.

During my residency in Kokilaben hospital I gave a presentation highlighting the qualities of a good doctor (the image above). We came up with a general plan and then we took a vote among us. 

The Startling Result.

And from this you can see that it is not the medical management, it is not the treatment that comes as a priority but the right communication, the humility, the empathy and the compassion of doctors towards their patients. What lacks in today’s healthcare industry and what is the expectation of most patients is 'the human touch'. It is the care and their expectation to be treated as a human first.

I hope to see better days in our profession. I hope doctors work hard to hone these soft skills too and bring this profession back to its glorious days where joining medicine was considered noble and doctors were treated next to God.

Aamir diagnosed with swine flu, accuses medical students of abuse.

Mumbai: Aamir Khan along with his wife Kiran Rao was diagnosed with Swine Flu yesterday. Despite being on generic Oseltamivir, his condition worsened and he underwent emergency intubation today.

52-year-old ‘Mr. Perfectionist’, who was taken to Quackdoses Hospital yesterday for breathlessness and cough complained of uneasiness after a group of medical students surrounded him for revision of their systemic examination before the upcoming University exams next month. Our sources confirmed that few interns also tried multiple failed attempts of securing an IV line on him and he complained severe chest pain when one of the interns told him that they would now practice putting a Foley’s catheter. Failing to interpret the X-Ray, the panicky CMO and interns at Quackdoses Hospital decided to shift Aamir to nearby Mohalla clinic where he was detected with ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome).

“Aamir had suddenly very shallow and rapid breathing which necessitated immediate intubation and ventilation. The patient is stable now and is admitted in the critical care unit,” said Dr. Hruday Fefde, a leading Pulmonologist in Mumbai.

Shallow and rapid breathing is normally seen in Asthamatic, COPD, ILD or LVF patients but it also results from a break up in relationships, failing in University Exams, not getting internship completion sign from HOD, scarcity of good looking batch mates, etc said a physician who suffered from similar symptoms in his undergraduate days. He said that the intubation is a minor procedure for Dr. Fefde who did his residency at The QuackDoses Hospital & Research Institute, Mumbai.

With the fear of the eagle eyed medical undergraduates looking for case presentations for their clinics looming large, Aamir has expressed his wish to be quickly taken to Baba Ramdev’s Patanajli Ashram than spending a few days in the ward, said a worried Kiran Rao.

Doctors have meanwhile asked Aamir to publicly apologize for his statements against the medical fraternity, or else keep his Aadhar Card ready.

To Sir, with Love.

In our journey of growing up, we come across many teachers from school to college and through under graduation to post graduation who selflessly help mold us as a person and shape our career. Some of them leave an ever lasting impression on you. Following is one such letter to my teacher, Dr. Sanjay Mehta - Director, Accident & Emergency, Kokilaben Dhirubhai Ambani Hospital I wrote to few days back.

Respected Sir,

I had thought of personally writing to you many times in past, but better late than never.

It gives me immense pleasure to inform you that I'm really enjoying my work here at Dr. L.H. Hiranandani Hospital. I've got a good opportunity and made the most of it within a short interval of time, with work at the hospital feeling like being part of a big family.

With the training we received at Kokilaben Hospital, and with teachers like you and Dr. Rathi, we are all doing very well in life and feel settled from a career point of view. I really feel satisfied to have literally set up the Accident and Emergency department in 3-4 months. I have no shame in accepting that a lot of the paper work, SOPs, and protocols are inspired by whatever you have taught us, after all they are the best and most systematic that they ever could be.

I have really worked very hard in the last few months and I now have a job profile that I could have only dreamt of so early in my life, being the administrative and clinical in charge of the A&E, no night shifts, offs on Sundays and public holidays, etc. Even the hospital administration and medico-legal diplomas I had done are coming in handy now along with all the AHA courses, I guess God really had a plan for me. On a funny note, I have lost more hair here in 10 months than that at KDAH over 4 years.

The management and patients are really appreciating my work here, I get a lot of good feedback from patients on mails and I would attribute it to you for your guidance and giving me an opportunity to be a part of KDAH A&E, 1st as a resident doctor and then as an Masters in Emergency Medicine (MEM) candidate.

You and the hospital have really played a pivotal role in molding us, our skills, character, confidence and whatever little of emergency medicine I know, is always because of all of you. Many youngsters might say that they want to be like their father, but I personally respect you so much that I always idolize you as a teacher, a guide, a department head, a boss and as a person who has supported us always and achieve so much. 

Thank you for everything.

Regards - Mohit Garg

and the unexpected reply within 10 minutes of my mail, that too on a Sunday morning from Dr. Sanjay Mehta - “Many congratulations for your achievements. It is your passion that drives you to achieve your dreams. There can be nothing more satisfying for a teacher than to see his students carving out a brilliant career. It is a privilege and pride for me to have students like you. Wish you all the success and glory in life.”

Bride elopes with medical representative, groom gives her DAMA.

Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is the husband !

Mumbai: In a shocking incident which has brought more shame to the medical fraternity than what Arvind Kejriwal has brought to the people of Delhi, a bride-to-be Dr. Kriti (name changed) who was to get married to a doctor next week, eloped with a medical representative yesterday.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Rohit, the grieving groom-to-be said, “She was always fond of the freebees and gifts the Medical Reps give to doctors. She often told me that she is marrying a clinician only because of the travel perks for conferences and frequent gifts the MRs give along with the free samples of medications. In spite of being a pathologist, she had also expressed her desire of opening up a stationary shop, exclusively of pens soon after marriage. Never had I imagined that she would actually elope with a MR just for the free pens and letter pads.”

With the news going viral on social media platforms, many scared doctors have already started prescribing generic medicines to patients to limit the entry of medical reps to their home / clinics and do ‘nain matakka’ with their daughters. Prime Minister Narendra Modi in his speech on occasion of World Yoga day in Delhi yesterday hailed the girl as a hero for eloping; and for single handedly bringing about this new dawn in the healthcare industry which the government had been unsuccessful in implementing in the past few decades.

Our gupt sutra have confirmed that to avoid medico-legal hassles in future, Dr. Rohit has taken the ‘DAMA-Discharged against medical advice’ consent from the girl’s parents. Also, inside sources have revealed that Dr. Rohit has however decided to not cancel his bachelor party, a move which has put medical pundits in dilemma if the groom-to-be is actually celebrating or grieving the news.

Self diagnosing ultrasonography machine invented, emergency physicians and surgeons celebrate.

Mumbai: In an astonishing breakthrough which can be considered a boon for the healthcare industry, a team of doctors and scientists at the Quackdoc multipseciality hospital have invented a self diagnosing and self reporting Utrasonography (USG) machine, much to the relief of doctors worldwide, more so for the surgeons and emergency physicians.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Samrat, the mastermind of the whole project said, “The inspiration for the machine was a recent full-blown catfight between our senior Surgeon Dr. Sadita (name changed) and our radiologist Dr. Anvita (name changed), 2 friends who were like Krishna and Sudama before the unfortunate incident. For years, the standard confusing radiology report of ‘a suspicious looking vermiform tube with its view obscured by bowel gas, co-relate clinically, advised CT Abdomen & Pelvis with contrast’ has been a bone of contention between the radiologists and surgeons/emergency physicians who have to then depend on the raised White Blood Cell count in CBC before taking the patient to the Operation theatre irrespective of the USG report. We are confident that our product will solve such predicament globally and our beloved doctors will be back to discussing cosmetics, men and shopping again, just like old days”.

On being asked when the machine would be unveiled for use in day to day clinical practice, Dr. Samrat commented, “We are still having technical glitches. The cases which are self diagnosed as Appendicitis by the machine are reported as ‘Hell yeah it is Acute Appendicitis, in your face!!’ and also our newly developed trademark probe with tentacles on it for diagnosis of torsion testis tend to squeeze on to the scrotal sac with far more pressure than desired, a feeling which has not gone down too well with the patients enrolled in our clinical trial.

Alcohol is the medicine to life and joining medicine is injurious to health. :Study

Dammit, forgot to bring Chakna today.

Mumbai: In a jaw dropping research conducted at the Quackdoses Multispecialty Hospital, a team of doctors and scientists have claimed that ‘Alcohol is the medicine to life and joining medicine is injurious to health’.

In an exclusive interview with our gupt samwadata, Dr. K'Abhi Matbann, the lead scientist on the project said, “WHO defines health as a state of complete sexual, financial and egoistic well being. It is a well established fact that medical students after joining MBBS become socially outcast, depressed, sex starved, sleep deprived, fat, old and ugly which has long term psychological and physical health risks.”

In the double blinded study, it was found that students who regularly drank alcohol and smoked weed were found to be happier, healthier and relaxed giving no fucking care towards their family, politics, studies and the country. On the contrary, alcohol has come out to be one of the most potent antidote against the poison called ‘joining MBBS’.

Meanwhile, engineering students have challenged the claim and have started an online petition that porn and sex is the medicine to life, but not alcohol. To counter the claim, medical students have demanded state of the art LAN in all medical colleges to have free Wi-Fi access to an unlimited supply of porn where they do not have to struggle to catch bleak signals of Wi-Fi somewhere in the canteen.

Wigs & cosmetics to create 1000s of doctors: MUHS

Mumbai: With the sharp decline in the number of aspiring medical students seen after 12 states and 4 Union Territories favored making it mandatory for medical students to clear the National Exit Test (NEXT) to get the ‘doctor’ title, the Medical Council of India (MCI) which has been famous for mentally torturing medical students has now gone into damage control mode and has come up with new ways to woo science students to join medicine and repent for the rest of their lives.

It has been observed that most male doctors get partially bald and girls look ugly and old by the time they pass MBBS. This has led to a decrease in the charm and sex appeal of young doctors who no longer find medicine to be lucrative, after all ‘item patana’ and ‘patna’ is the new generation mantra. In a critical meeting of the illiterate babus, it was decided that MCI will now give wigs for males and cosmetic hamper to females as souvenirs after clearing the NEXT on their convocation along with their medical degrees. It was further decided that the top 3 students from each college will be given hair transplant and free breast augmentation for males and females respectively.

Keeping in mind the recent attacks on doctors and onslaught faced by medical professionals by the hands of Indian politician and judiciary all over the India, MCI seems hopeful about this groundbreaking move to prevent youngsters from dropping out of medical schools. Stripped off of right to have a secure and comfortable life, MCI`s lure of a bountiful youth (no matter how short lived it is) and promise of a great sex life (after passing their prime of youth), may prove as only solace to medical students.

Students and doctors from across the country have expressed their displeasure about the introduction of the NEXT. Even the promise of head full of hair and glowing skin in their prime years in lieu of passing `just another exam’ is not proving to be that rewarding.

Dr. K’abhi Matbann, a mama intern from Mumbai says, “Getting into MBBS is like going to a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out. What is the point of awarding beauty packages in NEXT ‘after’ MBBS when good looks are labeled as mandate for passing MBBS professional exams every year, especially for girls.”

Only time will tell whether wigs and cosmetics will coax students to take up medicine as a career or not, but moronic medical pundits say it is a master stroke played by MCI and positive results will soon be seen.

Neglect at family function lands doctor in ICU.

Mumbai: In a never before incident in the history of medical education, a freshly graduated MBBS doctor was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of a local hospital in psychological shock after being completely neglected by his relatives at a family function yesterday.

It is a common problem faced by young medical graduates attending any family function (venue for professional exploitation) that distant relatives who often have no fucking idea about medicine as a career option start giving free career guidance advice,tips to pursue post graduate specialization, taunt about younger cousins settling down professionally, come up with weird long standing medical queries etc, apart from frequently recommending matrimonial matches at every function.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K.Abhi Matbann said, “I was completely taken aback when the function was about to end, people started leaving and not even a single relative had come up to me to give any professional advice or had any query. Even complete strangers claiming to be my neighbors and asking for free consultations, free medical leave certificates, free medicine samples and expecting me to regularly come to their house to check their blood pressure for free did not bother me at all. Earlier, I would really wish I could take revenge by brainwashing their children to take up medicine as a career.”

Seeing political opportunity in the poor doctor’s plight, future Punjab Chief Minister Sardar Arvind Kejriwal has publicly announced that if he is successful in fooling an entire state for the second time, he will allot a free Internal Medicine PG seat at PGI Chandigarh to Dr. Matbann.

Bass yahi din dekhna baki tha....

Among all tricks known to Indian parents to coax their children to finish any meal, scaring them of the Police, the building watchman, the non existent ‘bhoot’, ‘chudail’, threat to lock them in a dark bathroom or the famous ‘chuhe wali kothri’ were at the top. I was left speechless when I was entering the building today and I heard a mother say to her kid, “Yeh wahi doctor uncle hain…Jo bacche khana nai khaate naa, unhe who bada wala injection lagane aa jate hain”.

On the bright side, I remembered the famous dialogue of the legendary Gabbar Singh from the movie Sholay, “Yahan se pachas pachas kos door gaon mein ... jab bachcha raat ko rota hai, toh maa kehti hai bete soo ja ... soo ja nahi toh Gabbar Singh aa jayega.” At least now I can boast to my children and grandchildren in future, that mothers used to scare their children saying, “Khana kha le, warna Doctor Mohit aa jayega”.

This is the 2nd extracurricular recognition that I have got from patients or their relatives in my medical career. The 1st was during my internship when on entering the surgery ward to collect blood samples of patients in morning, a relative said to his patient, “Who khoon niklane wale doctor aa gaye”.

Soch raha hun ki yeh skills bhi apni professional likedin job profile pe update kar dun.