Doctor signs MOU with wife, gets empanelled at home.

Mumbai: In an incident that has sent shockwaves through the healthcare industry, a visiting doctor has reportedly signed an MOU with his wife to get empanelled at home for daily visits to his own children.

It is a well-known fact that most Indian doctors have little or no work-life balance, spending almost their entire day at hospitals, patient rounds, clinics, emergencies, night calls, freelancing, home visits, teleconsultations, and battling metro city traffic—leaving very little time for their families. According to sources, the MOU was signed after repeated complaints that the consultant was available more often for strangers than for his own children.

Speaking exclusively to Quackdoses, Dr. K'abhi Matbann's wife said, "My husband had slowly become a visiting husband. He would be away the entire day and come home only to sleep or charge his mobile phone. Even when the children tried waking him up with painful stimuli, his GCS remained low. But the moment someone whispered, 'Sir, the patient is desaturating,' he would suddenly become 15/15 and sprint towards the door. If I ever wanted him to accompany me anywhere, I had to take an appointment at least three weeks in advance. After lengthy negotiations, we have now signed an MOU with a 70:30 revenue-sharing model, mirroring the standard consultant-hospital arrangement. I only hope our relationship no longer resembles the complete dissociation between the P waves and QRS complexes of a complete heart block."

Unconfirmed sources claimed that the doctor had become so conditioned by hospital protocols that every morning before leaving home, he would ask his wife for his visit sheet to sign. Family members also alleged that he recently documented breakfast with the note, "Reviewed. CT all. Follow-up after 24 hours."

Surgeons have the most hyperinflated egos, claims "study".

Mumbai: In groundbreaking research that has sent shockwaves through the healthcare industry, investigators at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital (QMH) have concluded that surgeons possess the highest levels of hyperinflated egos among all medical specialties, with cardiologists and plastic surgeons coming in a close second and third, respectively. The findings have already sparked outrage across hospitals, with several other specialties protesting that they were more deserving of the top spot.

The stereotype of the "arrogant surgeon" has long been woven into hospital folklore. While confidence, decisiveness, and composure under pressure are indispensable qualities inside the operating room, the authors of the study suggest that a select group of surgeons have elevated their egos into an advanced super-specialty.

According to the report, many participants appeared convinced they had already established the diagnosis before the patient had even taken a seat, merely tolerating the history-taking as a formality to confirm what they already knew.

In an exclusive interview with Quackdoses News, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann™, CEO of QMH said, "During a recent AI conference organized by us, a robotic surgeon refused to leave the stage because the final slide of his presentation—a photograph of himself proudly peering into the Da Vinci surgical console—failed to appear due to a projector malfunction. The audience waited patiently while the technical team connected another laptop. Only after the photograph was finally displayed did the surgeon graciously agree to conclude his talk. At that very moment, we realized we had just witnessed a phenomenon worthy of scientific investigation."

According to unconfirmed hospital sources, the proposal received unanimous approval from the hospital's Ethics Committee in under 30 seconds. Coincidentally, every committee member was either a physician or an anaesthesiologist. The committee clarified that the rapid approval had nothing to do with professional bias and everything to do with "respecting the investigators' impeccable clinical judgment."

The Association of Scalpel Enthusiasts dismissed the study outright and released a press statement saying, "Surgeons don't have hyperinflated egos; we just happen to be right 100% of the time—except for the rare occasions when the anaesthesiologist insists the patient isn't fit for surgery.”

Mumbai physician launches “Unlimited WhatsApp Consultation Package”; Healthcare Industry left trembling.

Mumbai: In a business strategy that could put even major hospital chains and insurance companies to shame, a city-based physician has reportedly launched an “Unlimited WhatsApp Consultation OPD Package” for patients, leaving the healthcare industry both shocked and strangely impressed.

In an exclusive interview with our samwadata, Dr. K’abhi Matbann — the now-viral physician who has instantly transitioned from an overworked clinician to a celebrated venture-backed disruptor — said, “Modern startups become unicorns either by solving common public problems… or by monetizing human stupidity. This idea was born out of sheer frustration with modern patient behaviour. Patients think that after paying ₹1000 for one consultation, they own the doctor for life,” he said. “They behave as if they are entitled to perpetual, unlimited, free, multi-generational report-sharing on WhatsApp — not just for themselves, but for relatives, neighbours, in-laws, and occasionally even their pets.”

The doctor further explained that many patients avoid revisiting clinics for follow-ups because that would involve paying consultation fees again. Instead, they send random blood reports, vitals, and blurry medicine-strip photographs on WhatsApp months after the first consultation, usually accompanied by messages such as: “Sir urgent plz reply.”

He also highlighted the growing trend of patients self-medicating based on previous prescriptions or consuming medicines prescribed to relatives with vaguely similar symptoms.

“Hence, this visionary idea came to my mind — where we entertain all these nonsensical expectations, but for the right cost,” he added.

Healthcare experts believe the model has immense commercial potential in the current era, where patients begin every message with “Sorry to disturb you, doctor…” before sending 14 PDFs, 3 lab reports, and a 7-minute voice note at midnight.

While official details are still awaited, insiders claim Dr. Matbann is also planning several premium add-on services inspired by modern e-commerce platforms, including monthly subscription plans, no-cost EMI options for chronic overthinkers, family-sharing consultation packs, festive-season cashback on second opinions, and priority WhatsApp reply packages. 

There are even rumours of a revolutionary exchange offer allowing a deceased patient’s unused consultation benefits to be transferred to another family member.

Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital clinches No. 1 spot in India’s Best Hospitals 2026 Paid Rankings.

 

Mumbai: Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital (QMH) has once again secured the No. 1 position in India in the much-celebrated “India’s Best Hospitals 2026 – Paid Rankings.” The recognition marks the fifth consecutive year that QMH has featured prominently on lists critics describe as being as competitive as they are commercially negotiable.

The 2026 edition reportedly evaluated over 2,500 hospitals across India. According to the official narrative, the rankings were based on recommendations from thousands of medical experts, patient experience data, and quality metrics. However, seasoned observers suggest that the most decisive metric remains refreshingly straightforward: the size and punctuality of the NEFT transfer.

Industry insiders note that a hospital crowned “the best” one year can quietly disappear from the rankings the next — a phenomenon that occasionally coincides with excessive bargaining or delayed payments. Excellence, it appears, is renewable upon payment.

Reacting to the honour, Dr. K’abhia Matbann, Chairman and Managing Director of QMH, said, “Being recognized as the No. 1 hospital in India is a testament — because no LinkedIn leadership post is complete without that word — to our unwavering commitment to clinical excellence, innovation, and patient profit-centric care. We want to stay true to our guiding philosophy: ‘Jo dikhta hai, woh bikta hai’ (What is seen is what sells). Hence, we have recently invested in expanding our Award Display Infrastructure, ensuring that patients experience measurable reassurance before reaching the billing desk. After all, at QMH excellence is not merely practiced — it is prominently displayed, tastefully framed, and renewed annually. Health may be priceless; recognition clearly is not.”

Within minutes of the announcement, congratulatory LinkedIn posts erupted across the healthcare ecosystem, each thoughtfully tagged with #Grateful, #Blessed, #HealthcareLeadership and, in some cases, discreetly accompanied by a UPI ID.

Bring food from home, hospital advises patients as LPG crisis burns its kitchen.

Mumbai: In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the healthcare industry, the prestigious Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital (QMH) has officially advised patients to "BYOF" (Bring Your Own Food). An LPG supply crunch, triggered by ongoing West Asia conflicts, has reportedly begun choking hospital kitchens harder than a kinked ET tube.

The announcement—ironically delivered via the same public address system usually reserved for “Code Blue” emergencies—urged patients and relatives to carry their own tiffins, citing “reduced LPG availability” and the “operational limitations of the kitchen.”

In an exclusive bedside interview, a relative of a Gujarati patient admitted to the ICU (Intensive Charging Unit) expressed his dismay. “We were prepared for surgery, not a dabba system,” he remarked while unpacking a three-tier stainless steel tiffin overflowing with khakra, thepla, and fafda—a menu carefully curated for his diabetic, hypertensive relative.

“Right now, the canteen is serving only dal-rice and sandwiches—which feels less like a dietician’s therapeutic diet and more like a bland discharge summary,” he added, while reaching for the mandatory mukhwas.

Industry observers say the crisis highlights how global geopolitical tensions can disrupt even the most sacred pillars of Indian healthcare—the hospital khichdi supply chain.

While hospital management maintains these are temporary measures, insiders suggest that if the LPG shortage persists, QMH may pivot to a “Treatment from Home” model for non-critical patients—effectively extending the corporate "WFH" culture into clinical care. 

Until then, thousands of patients may find that their recovery depends as much on their surgeon’s skill as it does on the contents of their tiffin.

Hospital committee’s 3:00 PM meeting reportedly commences at 3:00 PM; healthcare industry in shock.

 

Mumbai: In what experts are calling a “once-in-a-century administrative miracle,” a committee meeting at Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital started exactly on time — triggering disbelief, mild panic, and palpable tremors across the healthcare industry.

Sources confirmed that the meeting, scheduled for 3:00 PM, began at 3:00 PM — not 3:17, not 3:43, and astonishingly, without the traditional ritual of waiting for “just two more consultants who are on the way.”

It is a well-known fact that in hospitals today, although invitations for committee meetings are shared well in advance, most stakeholder consultants consider punctuality optional and lateness a fundamental right. Standard explanations include “patients in OPD,” “on rounds,” “stuck in the lift,” and the evergreen “just five minutes.” The only members present at the scheduled hour are typically from the quality team, representatives from the nursing team, and a handful of dangerously sincere — and arguably foolish — consultants who still believe punctuality is a professional virtue rather than a personality defect.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the hospital CEO — who appeared visibly unsettled — said, “Never in the history of this hospital has any meeting started on time. Normally, by the time quorum is achieved, half the agenda has already been carried forward to the next meeting. Also, since minutes of meetings and CAPAs in most hospitals are often conveniently ‘managed’ by quality teams, committee meetings largely exist to generate attendance sheets for accreditation purposes.

“What can be considered an industry first was made possible only because of my visionary leadership — specifically, announcing additional bonuses from the next financial year for consultants who reach the meeting venue on time. We have long incentivized surgical volumes and revenue targets. It was time we rewarded a rarer and more endangered skill — reaching a committee meeting before it ends.”

Unconfirmed reports suggest that several hospitals are urgently reviewing their internal policies to ensure such deviations do not disturb the sacred tradition and cultural doctrine of “Indian Standard Time,” under which meetings are constitutionally expected to begin only after sufficient collective delay.

At the time of publication, consultants across the city were reportedly rechecking their email inboxes and employment contracts to confirm whether punctuality has officially become a Key Performance Indicator (KPI).

Study finds surgeon happiness declines as colleague’s OT list grows

Mumbai: In a groundbreaking study that has sent shockwaves through the medical community, a recent report has found that the happiness quotient of surgeons in corporate hospitals is inversely proportional to the number of cases performed by another surgeon in the same specialty—the more cases your colleague does, the unhappier you are, and vice versa.

It is a well-known fact that surgeons in such setups are often far more invested in their colleague’s OT list than their own. Multiple sources confirm that a significant portion of the working day is spent discreetly tracking which physician is referring the maximum number of surgical patients, whether admissions are originating from the OPD or the emergency, and—most critically—whether the hospital’s business development team is “favoring” a particular surgeon.

Speaking exclusively to Quackdoses, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann™, a senior consultant who requested anonymity for fear of being described as “not aligned with organizational goals,” said,
“I am genuinely happy when my colleague does well. But when he does too well—especially mid-week—it starts affecting my sleep. Yesterday, he finished three laparoscopic cases before lunch. I couldn’t even pretend to enjoy my ward rounds. I finally slept at night only after falsely reassuring myself that numbers always balance out by month-end.”

According to the study, surgeon happiness shows a transient spike when a colleague’s elective case gets postponed or cancelled due to reasons such as “insurance approval or clearance for surgery pending,” or “non-availability of an anesthesiologist”, with the maximum spike seen when the colleague’s patient gets operated on by the surgeon himself. A sharp dip in morale was noted when a surgeon discovered that a colleague had added a “walk-in” case.

The study also revealed that surgeons check the OT list more frequently than their personal WhatsApp messages, with peak activity observed immediately after morning rounds and just before lunch.

The study concludes by recommending kapalbhati, meditation, and—where possible—avoiding the OT list of one’s colleagues altogether, while also confirming what surgeons have long suspected: peace of mind in a corporate hospital is best achieved when someone else’s case gets cancelled.

Earn points while you’re sick—Hospital loyalty program raises eyebrows.

Mumbai: In a controversial masterstroke that has shaken the healthcare industry, Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital announced today the launch of its revolutionary “Frequent Flier” loyalty program for patients.

With this bold initiative, the hospital aims to build stronger connections with its “repeat customers” by offering credit points based on the duration of hospital stay and total spend. The points can be redeemed for discounts on consultations, diagnostic tests, and even the final bill. Members will also enjoy upgraded patient-care experiences with exclusive perks such as reduced OPD waiting time, priority lift access during visiting hours when relatives flock like migratory birds, better-tasting food than that sent by the dietician, swift housekeeping services promising room cleaning within “only two reminders,” preferential bed allotment near the window, complimentary bed upgrades during non-peak hospitalization hours, and discounts on add-on charges such as “administrative fees,” “miscellaneous fees,” and “fees to explain the previous fees.”

In an exclusive interview with The Quackdoses, Dr. I.P. Badao, CEO of the hospital and the visionary behind the madness, said, “Unlike the airline industry, where frequent fliers are valued customers who travel often, in the hospital industry frequent fliers are usually assumed to be ‘problem patients.’ We realized that the aspirations and needs of Indian patients are changing, and we had to respond. Our strategy is clear: keep our packages low, offer affordable prices, fill our hospital beds, buy more hospitals, fill those up again, and keep the cycle going.

“This program not only recognizes loyal patients, but is also the fastest way for them to earn discounts across our ever-expanding hospital network. I am absolutely delighted with the launch of this innovative, patient-centric loyalty program—carefully designed to make your hospital-stay even more rewarding, with hassle-free redemption on every IP admission, up to the last bed available, 365 days a year.”

Industry experts say the program is expected to revolutionize patient loyalty—mostly because no one wants to forfeit points they nearly died earning.

Mumbai Hospital CEO nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after brokering ceasefire between surgeon and anesthesiologist.

Mumbai: In developments that have sent shockwaves through the global healthcare community — and reportedly prompted “serious discussions” at the Oval Office — the CEO of the renowned Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital has received a Nobel Peace Prize nomination from the hospital’s Operation Theatre (OT) department, after successfully mediating a long-standing Cold War between the anesthesiologist and the chief surgeon.

It is a well-known fact that surgeons and anesthesiologists share one of the most entertaining “love-hate” relationships in medicine — their banter is practically an international tradition. While the anesthesiologist quietly saves the patient’s life, the surgeon loudly takes the credit. Their dynamic has often been compared to a marriage: the surgeon takes the lead, the anesthesiologist keeps things calm, and when something goes wrong in the OT — the surgeon looks at the monitor, the anesthesiologist looks at the surgeon, and everyone looks at the nurse, as both parties blame each other.

In an exclusive statement, the OT nurse-in-charge said, “When the CEO was informed that the anesthesiologist and the surgeon were arguing again — this time over excessive bleeding and hypotension — he immediately warned both sides that CAPEX approval for the OT would be withheld unless they agreed to an immediate ceasefire. His phone call instantly ended the conflict — a historic, unprecedented achievement. Nobody in the history of this hospital has stopped eight wars in nine months. He accomplished what no one else has — regularly de-escalating tensions in the hospital’s most volatile department. This nomination reflects not only our appreciation but also the heartfelt gratitude of the OT staff. He truly is the CEO of peace.”

Hospital insiders say celebrations were short-lived, however, as hostilities reportedly resumed approximately 17 minutes later — after the surgeon allegedly asked, “Who gave so much fluid?”

Ligaments Tear, Surgeons Cheer: Garba Season Keeps Arthroscopists in High Spirits

MUMBAI: What began as just another day at Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital turned festive when an arthroscopic surgeon carried Navratri celebrations out of the OT complex and into the recovery area with a surprise flash dance to Garba songs — right after completing his highest number of operative cases in a single month.

Moments after closing the operative site and finishing the mop count, the surgical team spontaneously burst into dance and song. The video quickly went viral across WhatsApp medical groups and beyond, drawing views far outside the OT floor. The surgeon and his assistants mingled with patients before breaking into a high-energy routine that had the crowd clapping, filming, and forwarding the spectacle within seconds.

In an exclusive interview with Quackdoses, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann™, the elated surgeon, said:
“Navratri’s Garba nights are all about fun, energy, and tradition — but they also make arthroscopic surgeons happiest (apart from obstetricians, who see the fallout nine months later). Thanks to the endless dancing, sudden twists, and ligament-snapping moves, knees bear the brunt. Garba nights send in the maximum ligament injuries, keeping our cash registers ringing. 

I was a little stressed with my OT list in previous months and the management’s rap, but this year’s Navratri season worked out perfectly. Also, the prolonged monsoons have led to more slips, falls and dislocations during Garba. The overwhelming response to our dance has been truly rewarding. We now aim to bring similar engagements to other hospitals I’m attached with. It showcased the power of authentic, emotion-driven marketing. Patients didn’t just take home implants and analgesics — they carried home a story to tell. Come for the surgery, stay for the Garba.”

As one of India’s fastest-growing hospital chains, Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital continues to redefine patient care, affordability, and experiences beyond the ordinary — delivering sutures, savings, and surprise dance numbers in equal measure.

Patient sends 20-page report, Doctor sends back 20-page bill.

Mumbai : In an incident which has shocked the medical fraternity – and possibly set a new roadmap for handling patients who forward endless reports on WhatsApp - a doctor has sent back a 20-page bill to a patient, after receiving a 20-page laboratory report from her.

It is a well-known fact that doctors across the country are fed up with patients who send pages of irrelevant medical reports, often weeks after the first consultation, and expect them to leave everything, analyze every page, and reply to those reports instantly – of course, without charging a single rupee. Unfortunately, out of fear of losing patients, most doctors reluctantly keep up with that shit.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Kabhi Matbann™, the genius behind the revolutionary idea said:

“I had only asked the patient for a basic CBC, creatinine and electrolytes. But the next morning at 7 a.m, I was shocked to receive 20 pages of reports from her. I had just woken up and ignored it, but she kept bombarding me with messages, worrying about every bold parameter and every fancy, irrelevant graph of every test she had done on her own. So I too sent her a 20-page bill in return – complete with graphs showing how my clinic rent, compounder's salary, electricity bill, home expenses, and children’s education fees have all risen over the years. Every doubt she raised, every minute of my time—it all had a price tag.”

Unconfirmed sources claim that after much negotiation, Dr. Matbann generously offered the patient a 5% discount - but only after she promised to refer 10 more of her kitty-party friends as patients within the month.

Patient changes medical history, medical student sends legal notice.

Some patients may even fake or exaggerate their symptoms.

Mumbai: In an incident which has sent shock waves across the medical fraternity, a final year MBBS students has sent a legal notice to a patient and demanded monetary compensation for mental and emotional distress, after the patient had changed his medical history in front of the professor.

It is a well known fact that every doctor in his educative year always goes through this scenario where he takes a detailed history taking for the case presentation during clinics ‘in the patient’s language’, but the patient gives a completely different history when the professor starts the case presentation, making the medical student a butt of all jokes in front of his fellow batch mates.

In an exclusive interview with us, the Dean of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital Dr. K’abhi Mat’bann™ said, "Gone are the days when we used to teach our students - Listen to the patient, he's telling you the diagnosis. Now days, that can backfire on you into a legal suit. Patients offer explanations for their symptoms that are bizarre or illogical, and often start their medical history with what they had eaten a week back. Some patient's description of their main problem is so creative or vague that it's unintentionally funny, like a patient saying that she has been swallowing the laxative suppository since 3 days but it is not relieving her constipation, or that a husband giving history that his wife doesn’t have chills or rigors but she was hot in bed last night. When you ask patients if they have any past medical history or co-morbidities, they'll refuse. But when you ask them if they're taking any medicines, they'll show at least 10 strips of different medicines. Even when a situation is funny, it's difficult to hold back the laughter and remain professional.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the patient’s husband has also decided to legally pursue the matter, and after obtaining a copy of the patient files has pointed out many glaring mistakes in the budding doctor’s notes including the one which stated – ‘The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.’

PCA staff spot diagnoses patient, wins employee of the month.

Mumbai : In an incident which has become a beacon of hope for many of the patient care assistants (PCA) working in hospitals, an emergency department PCA at the famous Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital was awarded the employee of the month after spot diagnosing a patient with Status Dramaticus.

It is a well known fact that apart from the emergency ‘bread and butter’ cases like chest pains, abdominal pains, fevers, injuries, etc, most Indian hospital emergencies also cater to a large population of young women working in corporate companies who regularly visit emergencies to sort out their domestic personal problems and relationship issues.

In an exclusive interview, the now famous PCA Sachin Helpkar said, ”I quickly ran with a stretcher when a ‘bus’ full of office employees with a young unconscious female sitting on the front seat stopped at our emergency ramp. As soon as I saw that she was continuously blinking her closed eyes and had tears in her eyes, I knew it was a clear case of Status Dramaticus. Similar to how 100s of people stop their vehicles on a busy road to help a ‘Papa ki pari or didi’ on a stalled scooty, 10s of office employees regularly swarm our emergency to check on such female colleague as if it’s their official field trip. Usually the symptoms subside when the worried boyfriend or the husband comes running and apologizes, otherwise 99% of such patients always respond to stuffed gauze full of ether or spirit on their nose – the other 1% being actual Status Epilepticus.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the PCA Helpkar has been invited to contribute a chapter on Status Dramaticus in the upcoming 22nd edition of the Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine.

Food from OT tiffins goes missing, surgeons under the scanner.

Mumbai : In an incident which has sent shockwaves in hospitals across the country, the mystery of missing food from tiffins kept outside the Operation Theatres (OT) has deepened further with OT staff now accusing surgeons of randomly picking tiffins and emptying them.

It is a well known fact that unlike in the West where most surgeons prefer to take a heavy breakfast before beginning long surgeries, in order to maximize their daily number of cases (and the money), apart from the patients being NBM (Nil by mouth) for 6-8 hours, most Indian surgeons also show up NBM to the OTs.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Kutting Dey, the Head of GI surgeries at the Quackdoses hospital said, “The five rules for survival in the surgical world are - eat when you can, eat whatever you can, sleep when you can, drain pus and don't mess with the pancreas. This is part of our basic training from residency, and pretty much like how our non surgical friends are groomed to borrow pens from the nurses and never give them back. During surgeries, it is frustrating to see the anesthesiologist sipping coffee and chilling, while we are trying our best to avoid the vital structures while dissecting, it's bleeding now and then, and there's fluctuation in blood pressure – a prolonged stress which increases our cortisol levels, increases appetite and cravings. OT staff who are complaining should understand that the benefit of a successful surgical procedure outweighs the risk of assisting a starving surgeon. On the bright side, we tend not to be choosy if there is any tiffin kept on the common area table.”

An official statement issued by the Hungry Surgeon’s Association of India, has rubbished the statement by Dr. Dey calling them his personal views, and 'like for everything', has blamed the anaesthsiologists for the missing OT food.

Patient undergoes Robotic Circumcision, refuses to pay surgeon.

MUMBAI: In an incident which has sent shock waves in the surgical community, a patient admitted at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital refused to pay the surgeon’s fee after undergoing a robotic circumcision.

Robotic surgeries, although facing stiff resistance from the insurance companies, is now slowly becoming the preferred choice for most surgical procedures. With the advent of the fast-growing AI based technologies and robotics, surgeons are already scared that they might soon become an extinct species in the coming decade.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, patient Dis’Kount Dey said, “The surgeon had offered me 3 methods of circumcision – by open method, laparoscopically or by minimal access through the testicles, and by robotic surgery. He counselled me that robotic surgery offered the fastest recovery, hence at the insistence of my wife, I opted for it. During the surgery, I was shit scared that the robot might cut off more than what I had consented for. To my dismay, I was shocked when I realized that ‘Robodoc’ ⟨™⟩ did my complete surgery, while the surgeon was busy playing some video game on his hi-tech gaming console. What should I pay the surgeon for, for playing on his joystick while ‘Robodoc’ dangerously played with mine? ”

Furthermore, rubbing salt on the surgeon’s wound, the patient gave 5 star rating on Google reviews to ‘Robodoc’ instead, with a special mention about the elderly assistant nurse who let him see the excised foreskin after surgery and politely asking him, “Sir-come-see-son.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after knowing that the patient only paid for the consumables, OT charges and for the anesthesiologist’s coffee, the disgruntled surgeon has refused to do the patient’s follow up dressings.

OPD footfalls decline, Doctors announce Chintan Shivir.

Mumbai : Taking cue from the ‘expected & predicted’ Chintan Shivir of the Congress party after their poll debacle in the upcoming Delhi Elections next month, the Quackdoctors Association of India (QAI) have announced a three-day brainstorming Chintan Shivir in Mumbai of their own.

The shadow of dwindling OPD footfalls in-spite of the end of the vacation time / New Year fever, and ‘healthy months’ lasting more than they should, has made the medical fraternity worried. Around 400 quacks are expected to attend the Chintan Shivir.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, president of the QAI said, “Medical profession is no longer a white collar job. Charted Accountants have GST work all round the year apart from ITR filings, lawyers are busy with litigations perennially, but doctors are now out of work most months of the year, except the monsoons. Also, the government’s strict action on the pharmaceutical company which took 30 doctors to Paris and Monaco for improving their ‘knowledge’ recently, and subsequent action on those doctors for professional misconduct needs to be contemplated upon. The association will introspect in the next three days how to embark on a new direction by confronting various challenges to pave the way for our bright future, and of the future generation of Quacks. If needed, like the visionary leader Rahul Gandhi (pun intended), we will also undertake a nationwide ‘Kashmir to Kanyakumari Patient Jodo’ yatra to revive the connection with our trusting consumers.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that similar to the standard ‘Please correlate clinically’ written on radiology reports, as a solution to the low footfall problems, QAI has communicated to all its members via various Whatsapp groups to write ‘Please Visit Again’ on their prescriptions and prominently display it in their clinics too.

‘Wannabe Celeb’ with sub-acute intestinal obstruction (SAIO) passes flatus, posts achievement on LinkedIn.

 

Mumbai: In unexpected development which has hyper stimulated peristalsis of general surgeons and gastroenterologists around the world, a LinkedIn post from a patient having successfully passed flatus has gone viral on social media.

In a short post uploaded on LinkedIn with a photograph of the patient on his bed and a hashtag YOLO below (You Only Live Once), the patient claimed that he was ‘thrilled, honored, privileged, excited, proud and happy’ to have been able to butt-burp after spending 2 days in the hospital, under the care of renowned surgeon Dr. Fartkar. The post was reportedly written from the bed at the notorious Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital.

“Ever since I came to the hospital, everyone – right from the emergency doctor, to the surgeon and his assistants, the radiologist and the nurses have been constantly asking the same question – niche se hawa nikli kya? The surgeon even poked me in my rectum when I replied in the negative. LinkedIn is the perfect platform to be self congratulatory, shit-post vast amounts of trivial nonsense daily and give advice no one asked for, hence I too decided to post about this major achievement which means a lot to my treating team,” said the patient (identity withheld), adding that while a loud fake sound was used to let the nurse know, the anal air pressure he felt was real.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that when the hospital confronted the patient for breach in their ‘no photography’ policy and informed that his final bill will be hiked as penalty, the patient innocently claimed that he did it for fun and did not know his post would go viral on social media. The patient’s mobile phone and laptop have been seized by the hospital, and investigation is on to ascertain whether Dr. Fartkar had masterminded the post for personal marketing.

Get admitted, Discounts based on your Google Review Stars, says Hospital.

This hospital has a Google Review discount system.

Mumbai : In an unusual way to draw in more patients, a hospital in the city is offering discounted billing to patients based on their Google review stars.

It is a well known fact that as patients are growing increasingly savvy about ‘doctor shopping’, they’re openly asking for discounts that apply to anything from OPD visits and radiology services to surgeries and dental procedures. Especially after the pandemic, even hospitals are trying to appeal to their ‘customers’ using several special discounts models: get 52 parameters, pay for only 1 laboratory package; spend Rs. 5 lakhs and get 5 % discount on your next admission; buy a main course from the hospital canteen and get 1 tablet of Metformin for free, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Rate Kamkar, the chairman of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital said, “One word that can bring a huge smile to anyone’s face is ‘discounts’. Isn’t that so true? I mean, who on this earth does not like discounts, and nothing like discounts on Hospital bills? In our endeavor to make our organization the highest rated - No. 1 hospital in the world, even above Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins Hospital & Cleveland clinic, we came up with this revolutionary marketing strategy. Patients have to give online reviews at the time of processing admission, so that they are back home safely (wicked smile), and their relatives have to give reviews at the time of discharge, for discounts. The higher your Google rating, the higher the % discount. Our motto is simple - We treat your illness and scars, get discounts based on your stars!”.

A huge majority of Netizens simply loved the idea of this hospital and called it a superb innovation which will be a game changer in health care globally. Many applauded the hospital for such an amazing idea. In the hope of getting maximum discounts, many of the patients from their hospital beds have also shared screenshots of their reviews on Instagram, Facebook and Linkedin. 

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that to maintain their 5 star rating, although the hospital is offering a little extra discount to those giving long written feedback, the hospital management has also secretly instructed the billing team to overcharge those patients giving negative online reviews at the time of discharge.

Hospitals facing scarcity of doctors, Project 'Save the RMO' launched.

Mumbai: Amid the growing demand for MBBS RMOs in the country, a recent census has set alarm bells ringing when it indicated that their population has been steadily and significantly declining over the years.

As more and more RMOs ‘fall prey’ to post graduation, super-specialization and work opportunities abroad, this wake-up call has prompted the Indian Healthcare industry to launch one of the world's most ambitious conservation projects – ‘Save the RMO’, on similar lines as the successful 'Save the Tiger' project.

A panel set up by the government has recommended that as part of the ‘Save the RMO’ project, to lure and fool MBBS graduates, they will be given a minimum monthly ‘CTC’ of Rs. 1 lakh, along with permission to come late 5 days a week, no biometric punch-ins for attendance, free wi-fi, unlimited food, 5 star accommodation, etc – much like the election manifestos and freebies offered by most political parties before elections.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann™, CEO of the Quack Multispeciality Hospital said, “With most MBBS graduates going into hibernation to prepare for the NEET PG exams immediately after their internship or working for only 4-6 months in an organization before taking their marriage or PG study break, it is getting extremely difficult for HR departments to find qualified RMOs to work in Emergency departments, ICUs and Wards. With almost every corporate hospital now suffering from scarcity of MBBS RMOs, and the number of RMOs decreasing day by day, we need to take preventive measures to ‘save their endangered species from getting extinct’. Our long term plan of this ‘Save the RMO’ project will be one of the finest examples in the annals of conservation globally. It will not be matched anywhere in the magnitude, scale and effort.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the initiative has been welcomed by the freshly passed MBBS graduates, who have demanded that they will join as RMOs, only if the minimum basic pay is at par with the Internal Medicine Consultants.

Student leaves medicine to become a car mechanic, earns more than top surgeons.

Mumbai : In a jaw dropping career shift which has made other doctors regret their career option, success story of a student who dropped out of medical college to become a car mechanic has gone viral on social media.

With only 6 percent of doctors being happy with their jobs according to one survey, it is a well known fact that doctors have now become like everyone else: insecure, discontent and scared about the future, wanting to give up their medical profession & move to a physically & mentally safer environment. In fact, physicians are so bummed out that 9 out of 10 doctors would discourage anyone from entering the profession.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the visionary millionaire mechanic said, “Over the last few years of monsoon, we have seen that corrupt municipal corporations of most metro cities only claim to be rain-ready, but it is a common site to see flooded roads, severe water logging, cars submerged or floating in water like fishes, and extensive traffic snarls making the surroundings look like an aquatic landscape. Unlike in medicine where a sick patient first consults their neighbors, relatives, Google, and domestic help before actually consulting a doctor, people directly come to us to fix their cars, without ever asking for free repairs or discounts on consultations. In 3 months of peak monsoon season every year, I earn what the top surgeons would earn in the entire year, and my car waiting list is longer than their daily OT list. Thinking about residency days, I wondered - What is the point of walking out of your home at 7 am and returning home at 10 pm, just to fall into bed and then waking up again at 5 in the morning to restart the cycle. Unlike most doctors today, I did not want to lose touch with my loved ones and become a zombie, lost between the politics within the hospital and a total lack of social life– hence I took the flooded path less travelled, to open a car garage instead of a nursing home.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that taking inspiration from Dr. Matbann’s entrepreneurship vision, and looking at the success stories of MBA Chaiwala, B. Tech Chaiwala, Audi Chaiwala, B.Tech Panipuriwala and others, more medical aspirants want to now leave medicine and become MBBS (Miya Biwi Bachchon Samet) Carwala.