Earn points while you’re sick—Hospital loyalty program raises eyebrows.

Mumbai: In a controversial masterstroke that has shaken the healthcare industry, Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital announced today the launch of its revolutionary “Frequent Flier” loyalty program for patients.

With this bold initiative, the hospital aims to build stronger connections with its “repeat customers” by offering credit points based on the duration of hospital stay and total spend. The points can be redeemed for discounts on consultations, diagnostic tests, and even the final bill. Members will also enjoy upgraded patient-care experiences with exclusive perks such as reduced OPD waiting time, priority lift access during visiting hours when relatives flock like migratory birds, better-tasting food than that sent by the dietician, swift housekeeping services promising room cleaning within “only two reminders,” preferential bed allotment near the window, complimentary bed upgrades during non-peak hospitalization hours, and discounts on add-on charges such as “administrative fees,” “miscellaneous fees,” and “fees to explain the previous fees.”

In an exclusive interview with The Quackdoses, Dr. I.P. Badao, CEO of the hospital and the visionary behind the madness, said, “Unlike the airline industry, where frequent fliers are valued customers who travel often, in the hospital industry frequent fliers are usually assumed to be ‘problem patients.’ We realized that the aspirations and needs of Indian patients are changing, and we had to respond. Our strategy is clear: keep our packages low, offer affordable prices, fill our hospital beds, buy more hospitals, fill those up again, and keep the cycle going.

“This program not only recognizes loyal patients, but is also the fastest way for them to earn discounts across our ever-expanding hospital network. I am absolutely delighted with the launch of this innovative, patient-centric loyalty program—carefully designed to make your hospital-stay even more rewarding, with hassle-free redemption on every IP admission, up to the last bed available, 365 days a year.”

Industry experts say the program is expected to revolutionize patient loyalty—mostly because no one wants to forfeit points they nearly died earning.