Hospitals facing scarcity of doctors, Project 'Save the RMO' launched.

Mumbai: Amid the growing demand for MBBS RMOs in the country, a recent census has set alarm bells ringing when it indicated that their population has been steadily and significantly declining over the years.

As more and more RMOs ‘fall prey’ to post graduation, super-specialization and work opportunities abroad, this wake-up call has prompted the Indian Healthcare industry to launch one of the world's most ambitious conservation projects – ‘Save the RMO’, on similar lines as the successful 'Save the Tiger' project.

A panel set up by the government has recommended that as part of the ‘Save the RMO’ project, to lure and fool MBBS graduates, they will be given a minimum monthly ‘CTC’ of Rs. 1 lakh, along with permission to come late 5 days a week, no biometric punch-ins for attendance, free wi-fi, unlimited food, 5 star accommodation, etc – much like the election manifestos and freebies offered by most political parties before elections.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann™, CEO of the Quack Multispeciality Hospital said, “With most MBBS graduates going into hibernation to prepare for the NEET PG exams immediately after their internship or working for only 4-6 months in an organization before taking their marriage or PG study break, it is getting extremely difficult for HR departments to find qualified RMOs to work in Emergency departments, ICUs and Wards. With almost every corporate hospital now suffering from scarcity of MBBS RMOs, and the number of RMOs decreasing day by day, we need to take preventive measures to ‘save their endangered species from getting extinct’. Our long term plan of this ‘Save the RMO’ project will be one of the finest examples in the annals of conservation globally. It will not be matched anywhere in the magnitude, scale and effort.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the initiative has been welcomed by the freshly passed MBBS graduates, who have demanded that they will join as RMOs, only if the minimum basic pay is at par with the Internal Medicine Consultants.

Dip in patients availing OPD services worries doctors, want husbands to intervene.

Mumbai - Amid the ongoing exam-vacation season, the healthcare sector across the country has been hit hard with a low footfall of patients coming for Out-patient department (OPD) facilities and planned admissions. This has left most general physicians (GP) worried and scratching their semi-bald heads.

Data published by a private organization has found that, ever since the exams began in March this year, there has been an 80% decline in patients rushing to clinics and nursing homes for routine OPD services and emergencies.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the President of the GP Association of India said, “OPD footfall has stagnated, so have elective procedures. Patients are avoiding clinic visits as much as possible. Though people may say that these are 'healthy months', they actually are 'unhealthy months' for the doctors. Only husbands can now help the healthcare industry bounce back, by not allowing their wives and kids to go to their in-laws for months together in the after-exam summer vacation. A wife and 2 kids – 3 members out of a regular family of 4 being away is a big blow to our fixed client base.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the 'visionary' idea by doctors has been out rightly condemned by most husbands, on grounds that they actually look forward to those 6-8 weeks of annual peace and weekend parties with friends while their wives and kids are away, and they only have to send a daily ‘miss you’ morning message.

Get admitted, Discounts based on your Google Review Stars, says Hospital.

This hospital has a Google Review discount system.

Mumbai : In an unusual way to draw in more patients, a hospital in the city is offering discounted billing to patients based on their Google review stars.

It is a well known fact that as patients are growing increasingly savvy about ‘doctor shopping’, they’re openly asking for discounts that apply to anything from OPD visits and radiology services to surgeries and dental procedures. Especially after the pandemic, even hospitals are trying to appeal to their ‘customers’ using several special discounts models: get 52 parameters, pay for only 1 laboratory package; spend Rs. 5 lakhs and get 5 % discount on your next admission; buy a main course from the hospital canteen and get 1 tablet of Metformin for free, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Rate Kamkar, the chairman of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital said, “One word that can bring a huge smile to anyone’s face is ‘discounts’. Isn’t that so true? I mean, who on this earth does not like discounts, and nothing like discounts on Hospital bills? In our endeavor to make our organization the highest rated - No. 1 hospital in the world, even above Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins Hospital & Cleveland clinic, we came up with this revolutionary marketing strategy. Patients have to give online reviews at the time of processing admission, so that they are back home safely (wicked smile), and their relatives have to give reviews at the time of discharge, for discounts. The higher your Google rating, the higher the % discount. Our motto is simple - We treat your illness and scars, get discounts based on your stars!”.

A huge majority of Netizens simply loved the idea of this hospital and called it a superb innovation which will be a game changer in health care globally. Many applauded the hospital for such an amazing idea. In the hope of getting maximum discounts, many of the patients from their hospital beds have also shared screenshots of their reviews on Instagram, Facebook and Linkedin. 

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that to maintain their 5 star rating, although the hospital is offering a little extra discount to those giving long written feedback, the hospital management has also secretly instructed the billing team to overcharge those patients giving negative online reviews at the time of discharge.

Taking cue from airline and hotel industry, doctors set to introduce dynamic pricing for OPD consultation.

Mumbai: In a bold decision which might disrupt healthcare industry globally, the Quack Doctors Association of India (QDAI) announced today that, similar to the dynamic pricing of airline tickets, hotel bookings and cab aggregator platforms, the OPD consultation charges of doctors will also be made dynamic soon.

Starting 1st April’ 2024, OPD consultation charges will be an outcome of a multitude of factors, such as the number of questions of patients based on their Google search, the % mortality of their Google diagnosis, the number of pages of reports with irrelevant graphs brought to OPD at the time of consultation, the total number of doubts of patients clarified like questions about Eosinophil report marked in bold on the CBC when most doctors don’t even know the interpretation beyond Hb-WBC-Platelets, the total number of bills found in the patient file before finding the relevant medical record, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann, the current president of QDAI said, “Dynamic Pricing is the inevitable future of traditional retail, and our association’s decision to charge OPD consultation as per dynamic pricing is a welcome move. Apart from better time management per patient, it will help doctors increase their patient OPD footfalls by offering discounted costs. The strategy will also benefit patients, as doctors will be able to offer affordable charges. For example, our decision to implement Rs. 100 per page of laboratory or radiology report is a nominal fee, and patients will think twice before bringing pages full of irrelevant reports including hormone levels, when only CBC-Creatinine-Electrolytes were prescribed”.

Speculations have emerged that the OPD consultation charges are set to surge significantly after the decision is implemented, and might lead to patients going back to consulting neighbors, relatives and street magicians for home remedies.

Doctorzoned !!

Disclaimer : Jaise prescription pe likhte hai, ki this is a suggested brand only, and it is not binding on the patient to buy the same brand, waise hi mera disclaimer hai ki this poem is written in a light mood, so please don’t take it seriously.

Aap sabne FRIENDZONED toh suna hi hoga…. jab ek ladka ek ladki ko patane k liye uski bahut help karta hai, par end mein uska MOYE MOYE ho jata hai – C kat jata hai…. Aur friendzoned ka spot diagnosis hai ki jab wahi ladki aapke sath bike par baithti hai, aur dono k beech mein apna bag rak k ek diwar bana leti hai… then you know you’ve been friendzoned.

Waise hi, meri kavita ka shirshak hai ‘DOCTORZONED’ – aur yeh baat kuch saal pehle k real events se inspired hai, jab main 30 ka tha aur mere bhi adipose tissue wali jagah pe protein se bhari toned muscles hua karti thi…

XXX

Ek din ek 25 varshiye hassena meri OPD mein ayi,
Phir detail mein usne apni chief complaint aur 100 % mortality wali Google ki diagnosis batai,
Kaha maine, ki ghabrao mat, meri dawi leke tum ho jaogi theek,
Follow up with all reports and prior appointment after 1 week…

“Doctor, can I pleaseeeeee get your number? puch usne mujhe Ketamine k dissociative anaesthesia jaise apne maya jaal mein fasaya
Promise, I will only call you in emergency sunke mera dil phislaya, aur maine usse number batlaya,
Phir kya… agle kuch mahine tak Whatsapp pe free consultation aur uske rishtedaaron ki reports share karne ka silsila chalta raha,
Uske Good morning, Good night, forward messages se mera bhi core temperature aur heartrate badta raha…

Kuch 3 mahine baad uski daadi ICU mein admit hui pneumonia k sath,
Socha ki ilaaj aur clinical counseling k baad keh dunga usse apne dil ki baat,
Same counseling ka action replay karwane k liye phir usne baat karai apne baap se,
Number dial karke boli, Doctor Uncle baat karenge aap se...

Doctor Uncle sunke mere pairon tale zameen khisak gayi,
aur gyat ho gaya k Krish picture k Rohit Mehra ki tarah meri medical shaktiyon ka bhi galat istemaal kiya gaya hai,
Ussi din kasam khayi aur aj tak maine apna personal number kisi mariz ko nai diya hai…
Ussi din kasam khayi aur aj tak maine apna personal number kisi mariz ko nai diya hai…

Khota hua Bachpan

Kahan kho gaya woh samay,
Jab zameen pe tippe maar kar nali mein padi hui ball saaf ho jati thi,
Dusri society k ladkon k sath cricket k match hua karte the,
Jab chappalon, ya pattiyon se lakir kheech football k goalpost banaye jate the,
Jab garden mein hath pakad sakli kheli jati thi,
Ek k upak ek pathar rakh lagori kheli jati thi,
Jab Buildingon mein bacche chor police and chupam chupai khelte the,

Aj sunsaan pade hain who jhule, jinke liye kabhi line hua karti thi,
Aj buildigon mein khelne ki jagah gaadiyon ne leli hai,
Aur doston-khilonon ki jagah mobile ne leli hai,
Mobile ek aisa yantra hai jisne bacchon se unka bachpan cheen liya,
Usne Camera, Ghadi, music player ko toh khatam kiya hi diya hai,
Par dukh ki baat toh yeh hai ki wah rishton ko bhi khatam karta ja raha hai.