My Resentment

Its 3.50 am in the morning and I’m not sleepy at all. It has been a busy last 46 hours. Started off with morning lectures 2 days back followed by an afternoon plus night double shift, again morning lectures and again an afternoon plus night shift…expected myself to be dead tired by now considering I have slept only for 4 hours in the last 2 days.
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Its been more than 2.5 hours that I finished taking my rounds which included 6 new admissions today but the constant sound of the ventilator, monitor and infusion pump alarms along with the hustle and bustle outside makes it difficult to sleep….also the small sized couch isn't so comfortable at all.
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All I can do at this point is to look back and retrospect about how difficult this journey has been to be a doctor. It was 2003 that 1st year of junior college ended and the slogging for the 12th Board exam and the medical entrance exam began…and 11 years later after working extremely hard all throughout, I’m still stuck with a lifestyle, 95 % of which includes doing a hectic job (with odd working hours, grossly altered sleepy cycle, working on Sundays and public holidays), studying, eating and sleeping, and surviving on a stipend which does not even meet my annual fees and monthly expense. There is very little time now for leisure, family, friends, and health or to pursue any hobbies and at this juncture in life that is taking quite a toll on my mental health now.
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The best years of my life (age 17-29 years ) were/will be spent ONLY studying (Read as ‘Life wasted’ - No alcohol/smoking/drugs/girlfriends) and all I can do is drag on with life and wait for the day my existence in society really matters. Right now, I’m nobody except for the people who know I’m pursuing medicine and to those who come to me for free consultation (and a few others who really piss me off by expecting me to collect their reports from the hospital I’m working in….bloody morons). It really is so damn frustrating.
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I've realized now that I’m a mediocre, hardworking person…Medicine is only for those gifted, brilliant minds who along with the hard, monotonous, long student life years have the patience to spend more than half their existence struggling, 1st to complete their studies and come up to a level of becoming a consultant (age 37-40 years) and then become so busy again to lead an unhealthy lifestyle with little time for themselves or their family.
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Gone are those days when doctors used to be respected and looked upon as demi-God. Healthcare now has become a purely commercialized business with cut throat competition and infighting for the survival of the fittest. Also doctors have become easy targets- can be sued, implicated in false allegations to extort money, beaten with ‘lathis’ and sticks by the police, be slapped by patient’s relatives, threatened by the government to have their license cancelled and be thrown out of the resident doctors quarters for raising their voice.

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I really wish now that I wouldn't have listened to my parents 12-13 years back and their wish to see both their children as doctors, a dream which eventually came true. I still remember the conversation I had with my mother telling her that I wanted to be an Air Force Pilot. All the creativity, passion, aspirations and dreams are slowly fast fading and I really can’t wait to come out of this busy, hectic student life and finally be free of all these books and studying….another 1.5 years to go…desperate to 'actually' starting earning and become independent at the age of 29....feeling like a caged beast now.