Thursday, June 22, 2017

BRIDE ELOPES WITH MEDICAL REPRESENTATIVE, GROOM GIVES HER DAMA.

Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is the husband !
Disclaimer : Inspired by real life interactions with future Mrs. Quackdoc.

Mumbai: In a shocking incident which has brought more shame to the medical fraternity than what Arvind Kejriwal has brought to the people of Delhi, a bride-to-be Dr. Kriti (name changed) who was to get married to a doctor next week, eloped with a medical representative yesterday.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Rohit, the grieving groom-to-be said, “She was always fond of the freebees and gifts the Medical Reps give to doctors. She often told me that she is marrying a clinician only because of the travel perks for conferences and frequent gifts the MRs give along with the free samples of medications. In spite of being a pathologist, she had also expressed her desire of opening up a stationary shop, exclusively of pens soon after marriage. Never had I imagined that she would actually elope with a MR just for the free pens and letter pads.”

With the news going viral on social media platforms, many scared doctors have already started prescribing generic medicines to patients to limit the entry of medical reps to their home / clinics and do ‘nain matakka’ with their daughters. Prime Minister Narendra Modi in his speech on occasion of World Yoga day in Delhi yesterday hailed the girl as a hero for eloping; and for single handedly bringing about this new dawn in the healthcare industry which the government had been unsuccessful in implementing in the past few decades.

Our gupt sutra have confirmed that to avoid medico-legal hassles in future, Dr. Rohit has taken the ‘DAMA-Discharged against medical advice’ consent from the girl’s parents. Also, inside sources have revealed that Dr. Rohit has however decided to not cancel his bachelor party, a move which has put medical pundits in dilemma if the groom-to-be is actually celebrating or grieving the news.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

ALCOHOL IS THE MEDICINE TO LIFE AND JOINING MEDICINE IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH. :STUDY

Dammit, forgot to bring Chakna today.

Mumbai: In a jaw dropping research conducted at the Quackdoses Multispecialty Hospital, a team of doctors and scientists have claimed that ‘Alcohol is the medicine to life and joining medicine is injurious to health’.

In an exclusive interview with our gupt samwadata, Dr. K'Abhi Matbann, the lead scientist on the project said, “WHO defines health as a state of complete sexual, financial and egoistic well being. It is a well established fact that medical students after joining MBBS become socially outcast, depressed, sex starved, sleep deprived, fat, old and ugly which has long term psychological and physical health risks.”

In the double blinded study, it was found that students who regularly drank alcohol and smoked weed were found to be happier, healthier and relaxed giving no fucking care towards their family, politics, studies and the country. On the contrary, alcohol has come out to be one of the most potent antidote against the poison called ‘joining MBBS’.

Meanwhile, engineering students have challenged the claim and have started an online petition that porn and sex is the medicine to life, but not alcohol. To counter the claim, medical students have demanded state of the art LAN in all medical colleges to have free Wi-Fi access to an unlimited supply of porn where they do not have to struggle to catch bleak signals of Wi-Fi somewhere in the canteen.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

WIGS & COSMETICS TO CREATE 1000s OF DOCTORS: MUHS

Mumbai: With the sharp decline in the number of aspiring medical students seen after 12 states and 4 Union Territories favored making it mandatory for medical students to clear the National Exit Test (NEXT) to get the ‘doctor’ title, the Medical Council of India (MCI) which has been famous for mentally torturing medical students has now gone into damage control mode and has come up with new ways to woo science students to join medicine and repent for the rest of their lives.

It has been observed that most male doctors get partially bald and girls look ugly and old by the time they pass MBBS. This has led to a decrease in the charm and sex appeal of young doctors who no longer find medicine to be lucrative, after all ‘item patana’ and ‘patna’ is the new generation mantra. In a critical meeting of the illiterate babus, it was decided that MCI will now give wigs for males and cosmetic hamper to females as souvenirs after clearing the NEXT on their convocation along with their medical degrees. It was further decided that the top 3 students from each college will be given hair transplant and free breast augmentation for males and females respectively.

Keeping in mind the recent attacks on doctors and onslaught faced by medical professionals by the hands of Indian politician and judiciary all over the India, MCI seems hopeful about this groundbreaking move to prevent youngsters from dropping out of medical schools. Stripped off of right to have a secure and comfortable life, MCI`s lure of a bountiful youth (no matter how short lived it is) and promise of a great sex life (after passing their prime of youth), may prove as only solace to medical students.

Students and doctors from across the country have expressed their displeasure about the introduction of the NEXT. Even the promise of head full of hair and glowing skin in their prime years in lieu of passing `just another exam’ is not proving to be that rewarding.

Dr. K’abhi Matbann, a mama intern from Mumbai says, “Getting into MBBS is like going to a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out. What is the point of awarding beauty packages in NEXT ‘after’ MBBS when good looks are labeled as mandate for passing MBBS professional exams every year, especially for girls.”

Only time will tell whether wigs and cosmetics will coax students to take up medicine as a career or not, but moronic medical pundits say it is a master stroke played by MCI and positive results will soon be seen.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

SELF DIAGNOSING ULTRASONOGRAPHY MACHINE INVENTED, EMERGENCY PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS CELEBRATE.



Mumbai: In an astonishing breakthrough which can be considered a boon for the healthcare industry, a team of doctors and scientists at the Quackdoc multipseciality hospital have invented a self diagnosing and self reporting Utrasonography (USG) machine, much to the relief of doctors worldwide, more so for the surgeons and emergency physicians.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Samrat, the mastermind of the whole project said, “The inspiration for the machine was a recent full-blown catfight between our senior Surgeon Dr. Sadita (name changed) and our radiologist Dr. Anvita (name changed), 2 friends who were like Krishna and Sudama before the unfortunate incident. For years, the standard confusing radiology report of ‘a suspicious looking vermiform tube with its view obscured by bowel gas, co-relate clinically, advised CT Abdomen & Pelvis with contrast’ has been a bone of contention between the radiologists and surgeons/emergency physicians who have to then depend on the raised White Blood Cell count in CBC before taking the patient to the Operation theatre irrespective of the USG report. We are confident that our product will solve such predicament globally and our beloved doctors will be back to discussing cosmetics, men and shopping again, just like old days”.

On being asked when the machine would be unveiled for use in day to day clinical practice, Dr. Samrat commented, “We are still having technical glitches. The cases which are self diagnosed as Appendicitis by the machine are reported as ‘Hell yeah it is Acute Appendicitis, in your face!!’ and also our newly developed trademark probe with tentacles on it for diagnosis of torsion testis tend to squeeze on to the scrotal sac with far more pressure than desired, a feeling which has not gone down too well with the patients enrolled in our clinical trial.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

NEGLECT AT FAMILY FUNCTION LANDS DOCTOR IN ICU.



Mumbai: In a never before incident in the history of medical education, a freshly graduated MBBS doctor was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of a local hospital in psychological shock after being completely neglected by his relatives at a family function yesterday.

It is a common problem faced by young medical graduates attending any family function (venue for professional exploitation) that distant relatives who often have no fucking idea about medicine as a career option start giving free career guidance advice,tips to pursue post graduate specialization, taunt about younger cousins settling down professionally, come up with weird long standing medical queries etc, apart from frequently recommending matrimonial matches at every function.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K.Abhi Matbann said, “I was completely taken aback when the function was about to end, people started leaving and not even a single relative had come up to me to give any professional advice or had any query. Even complete strangers claiming to be my neighbors and asking for free consultations, free medical leave certificates, free medicine samples and expecting me to regularly come to their house to check their blood pressure for free did not bother me at all. Earlier, I would really wish I could take revenge by brainwashing their children to take up medicine as a career.”

Seeing political opportunity in the poor doctor’s plight, future Punjab Chief Minister Sardar Arvind Kejriwal has publicly announced that if he is successful in fooling an entire state for the second time, he will allot a free Internal Medicine PG seat at PGI Chandigarh to Dr. Matbann.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

"BLACK BUCK DIED OF CARDIO-RESPIRATORY ARREST, COMMITTED SUICIDE," CLAIMS VET.


Jodhpur: A day after Salman Khan’s statement in Jodhpur court that the Black Buck in the poaching case died of ‘natural causes’, a local veterinary doctor has claimed that the black buck in question had committed suicide and he had himself certified ‘cardio-respiratory arrest’ as their cause of death.

The high court in its decision last week had given Khan ‘the benefit of doubt’ with the observation that ‘Bhai is always innocent’ and had to be pardoned for his good conduct by being punctual in making payments to the judges for giving ‘tarik pe tarik’ to keep him out of jail during the 18 year old case.

“Salman was framed by fabricating false evidence just because he refused to tip the gypsy driver Harish. The veterinary doctor’s claim proves what we had been saying all along. There is no doubt that the police and the forest department fudged and even made up evidence and manipulated witnesses,” said the controversial actor’s counsel Feku Vakil in a statement to the Quackdoses.

The Rajasthan government has rubbished the doctor’s claim and has approached Delhi (cum future Punjab) Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal to verify if the B.V.Sc degree (Bachelor in Veterinary Science) was fake, before appealing against the acquittal in the Supreme Court.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

DEMONETISATION: MODI STILL ROCKS, WILL SPONSOR FREE SHOCKS.



Mumbai – 2 days after Congress President Sonia Gandhi’s announcement of Rs. 5 crore to anyone who increases Rahul’s IQ as reported by the Quackdoses, Prime Minister Narendra Modi while addressing his rally at Mumbai today to propagate cashless economy has announced the sponsorship of free Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT/shock therapy) for Rahul Gandhi, Arvind Kejriwal and Mamta Bannerjee.

Over the last 2 weeks, BJP leaders have on record made statements to the press that Mamta Bannerjee suffers from hallucinations, Arvind Kejriwal suffers from Chronic Modi- Psychosis and that Rahul Gandhi needs an evaluation by a Psychiatrist (and a Pediatrician as well for his growth charts!!). Unconfirmed source have claimed that BJP has already tied up with the Quackdoses multispecialty hospital to give 5 cycles of free ECT as a pilot project to the 3 leaders, before expanding the project to other politicians too.

Our gupt samwadata spoke to Dr. Shock Detomi, Mumbai’s leading psychiatrist who said, “ECT is a type of therapy in which electric currents are passed through the brain causing brief seizures with ‘chemical loccha’ in the brain and is indicated only for select symptoms, similar to those seen in the 3 since the announcement of the demonitization drive. Pappu suffers from Delusions of Grandeur (believes that he is a deity, has special powers like being able to cause an earthquake), Kejriwal suffers from Delusion of Persecution (Believes that others ie. Modi — is plotting to get him killed or poisoned) and Mamta suffers from Schizophrenia (mental disorder involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behaviour, leading to faulty perception and inappropriate actions) evident from the announcement of ‘Modi Hatao, desh Bacho’ campaign.”

Meanwhile, the Bar Owners Association of India has announced the boycott of cashless transactions as customers have not been able to recall the pin number after the drinks.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

CITY GYNECOLOGISTS UNHAPPY AS RAIN PLAYS SPOILSPORT DURING NAVRATRI.


Mumbai: In the wake of the heavy downpour across the state, city gynecologists in a letter to Prime Minister Narendra Modi have expressed their displeasure over the less than usual number of patients seen during this Navratri festival and have demanded compensation from the central government.

It is a well known fact that apart from being the celebration of dance & life, and being Falguni Pathak’s bread and butter, the 9 day festival is also a breeding ground for young couples looking for a casual physical relationship. A study conducted at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital 2 years back found that the sale of contraceptive devices and pills in Mumbai jumped by a whopping 75 % during the 9 day celebration.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Anand Nanavati (name changed), a leading gynecologist in Mumbai said, “Due to the unexpected heavy rains that has continued across the state, the Navratri pandals have recorded a decreased number of patrons. Like winter is the season for Chest Physicians and dentists with the increased number of patients coming with LRTI, exacerbation of Bronchial Asthma and COPD or tooth ache, Navratri is a season for the obstetricians and gynecologists. Looking at the statistics of casual and unprotected sex people have after a garba-dandiya session, the 9 day festival is a boon for the obstetrician and gynecologists. Such couples come to us for abortions and even delivery after 9 months in select cases. This year has been so dry that even OPD consultation of couples with Questions like ‘kuch tension ki baat toh nai haina?’ has gone down.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the National Association of Wicketkeepers (Obstetricians) and gynecologists are planning to organize a ‘yagya’ to please the Gods above and pray for a rainless Navratri next year.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

INDIA CONDUCTS SURGICAL STRIKE ACROSS LoC, RAHUL GANDHI DEMANDS ACTION AGAINST STRIKING SURGEONS.


New Delhi: Hours after the Army chief’s announcement of surgical strikes across LoC, Congress President Rahul Gandhi took the Congress party to a new low of embarrassment by demanding action against the striking surgeons.

In his 1st public appearance after the recent fiasco seen during the ‘Khat (Cot) Panchayat’ in Deoria district of Eastern UP when farmers scrambled away with the ‘khatiyas’ and Congress was ‘cot red faced’, Rahul said, “Surgery resident doctors have always complained that seniors do not give them enough cutting. I always knew that they meant ‘cutting chai’ and the Congress party under my leadership opened tea shops in all medical colleges across the country. Modiji se main agrah karta hun ki aise ehsaan faramosh hadtali surgeons ki ‘khatiya khadi kar deni’ chahiye”.

With his anti surgeon statement going viral, Twitter co founder Jack Dorsey has announced the temporary suspension of Rahul’s twitter account @iampappu on grounds that their servers are already overburdened with Donald Trump’s idiotic tweets and might crash completely with similar retweets of Rahul Gandhi’s statements.

Unconfirmed reports in media have meanwhile claimed that the happiness quotient of Indian boyfriends has jumped by 5 % with Fawad Khan’s return to Pakistan, apart from hailing Indian Prime Minister Modiji as a ‘real son of a gun’.

Note: We are proud of our armed forces and the rightful action taken by the government. Gone are the days when our Ministers knew to only do ‘Kadi Ninda’, time to really teach Pakistan a lesson.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

KEJRIWAL: FACEBOOK PRAYERS TO SOON CLEAR HOSPITAL BILLS.



New Delhi: In a bizarre proposal put forth by India’s second best comedian after Rahul Gandhi, the Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal has claimed that the general public will soon be able to clear hospital bills with Facebook prayers.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoc 3 days after his tongue shortening surgery, Kejriwal said, “I was scared for my life because Modiji wanted to get me killed with a lethal dose of Propofol and also sign the DNR and DNI (Do not resuscitate & Do not intubate) consent for me, so I took DAMA (Discharge against medical advice) from the hospital. But before leaving, Lord Ganesha appeared in my dreams and told me that I should have not have cleared the bill with tax payer’s money, but could have instead made use of Facebook Prayers. I then decided that 1 Facebook like = 1 salute = 1 prayer and should be made = 1 rupee to clear hospital bills which will be a game changer for the heathcare industry.”
 
While the healthcare sector is abuzz with the news, psychologists have claimed that Kejriwal is suffering from acute hospital psychosis, a disorder in which patients in an intensive care unit (ICU) or a similar setting experience a cluster of serious psychiatric symptoms. Another conspiracy report has claimed that the acute altered mental status that Kejriwal is suffering from is because of an overdose of Ketamine, an anesthetic agent which is known to cause dissociative amnesia. 

Taking clue from Kejriwal’s vision, male medical students across India have already started posting pictures of themselves on their Facebook timeline which says, ‘This boy has been diagnosed with no GF, 1 like = 1 prayer.’

Monday, September 5, 2016

CONNECT THE DOTS.


You can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road, will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path. And that will make all the difference.”

-Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement Adress, 2005

It has been really long I wrote something on this blog from my heart. It was not that I did not have time, or was more focused on writing articles for my website, but the real reason was that I was enjoying myself work really hard.

I have always been a huge Steve Jobs fan and would have seen his Stanford Commencement speech ‘n’ number of times, and every time I’m feeling low, those words never fail to lift my spirit up.

What makes me write this article is the sheer high and the adrenaline rush I’m feeling since the last few days as the dream and the vision that I have been working on since the last 12 months to set up a world class Accident & Emergency Department (within the limited resources and the available infrastructure) is finally completed, and I often look back just watching in awe what has been accomplished so far.

The journey is not complete yet, but looking at the bigger picture, I guess it was time for me to connect a few dots of my life so far.

1. Coming from an average middle class family, my parents were strict and always stressed on education and studies. There were a lot of financial ups and downs in life and I’m still clueless how my parents could be so strong and supported us in everything that we ever asked for. That made me sincere, disciplined, hard working and a tough go getter.

2. Even though since childhood, I always wanted to be an astronaut or an Air Force pilot, or may be more realistically a charted accountant (thanks to my parent’s dream I landed up in Medicine, pun intended), by working the EMS at Sion Hospital I knew right from my 2nd MBBS that Emergency Medicine is what excites me and that was the only thing I would do if I was to continue with clinical medicine. It is one of the busiest emergency departments in the country for a government hospital and the best centre for managing trauma in the city.

3. There was no awareness about Masters course in Emergency Medicine, I was very clear that I did not want to run the utterly stupid rat race of graduated doctors sitting in a library, wasting years of their life studying some really ridiculous MCQ books.

4. After completion of 5.5 years of the gruesome MBBS, I joined Asian Heart Institute as a Casualty Medical Officer where I did not learn much clinical management but a lot of stress was put on a detailed history taking which had to be flawless. Few months into the job and I had made up my mind to get into the administration part of the healthcare industry and started preparing for the CAT MBA exam, surprisingly scoring 95 percentile with only few weeks of preparation on my 1st attempt.

5. My father is a heart patient, had a bypass done in 2007. We went for his regular checkup and the cardiologist who was initially seeing him at Lilavati Hospital and many other hospitals had joined as a full timer cardiologist at Kokilaben Dhidubhai Ambani Hospital. It was during his checkup that I told Dr. Jamshed Dalal if it was possible to work with him, with the condition that I wanted to work in the Emergency Department only. One phone call to the HR in-charge and I found myself sitting in an interview for a job at KDAH.

6. I worked as a registrar in the Accident & Emergency Department for a year, learning the right way to manage emergency patients which was protocol based, evidence based. It is not always the clinical skill that one should pick up at an organization, what I picked up were the soft skills of a gentleman’s conduct, good communication and counseling to patients and relatives, taking care of their food, cleanliness in the department, team work, and many more. But I continued to prepare for another shot at CAT thinking I would crack it this time with a 99 percentile and coming out of clinical medicine.

7. The hospital started a 3 year masters in emergency medicine course, I did not join it initially. Was enjoying the money I was making (from 20k at AHI to 40K) within 4 months and thought that I would give 1 sincere attempt at CAT and if not, could always join the MEM next year.

8. September 25th 2012, my boss informed that a doctor had decided to quit the course due to personal reasons and I without a second thought told him that I would join it in his place. I had managed to save exactly Rs. 3,40,000 by then and surprisingly the annual fees was for Rs. 3,370,80 and felt proud tearing the cheque for the fees of my hard earned money.

9. The course was a 3 year Masters in Emergency Medicine (MEM) by George Washington University, USA that included extensive structured Emergency Medicine training, probably better than what MD and DNB Emerg medicine can ever be in India, with faculty coming from the US/UK every month for a week to teach and lectures on remaining days (twice weekly) by in-house consultants. We got to deal with all the latest technology, doing all procedures, etc, literally having freedom to work LIKE A CONSULTANT where we decided and implemented the investigations, treatment and interventions. It provided many of us a platform to be a part of this exciting field of Emergency Medicine and also an opportunity for people to get out of the shitty Indian repetitions system to get a PG seat (saving 1-2 precious years of this life).

10. I joined Dr. L.H. Hiranandani Hospital on 1st October 2015 in the ‘casualty’ which in my opinion was nowhere close to being called an emergency department. The initial 5-6 months were the toughest period as I found myself working sleepless nights till 2 and 3 am designing the paper work, writing protocols, somehow managing a team of 7 ‘hostile’ doctors (who did not take well of a new comer of approximately their same age being made in-charge), etc. Within 3 months, the department had already taken shape and we were on a road to set up a world class Accident & Emergency Department. What we have accomplished within a very short span truly seems like a fairy tale, I had never worked so hard in life since the medical entrance exam in 2004.

11. On the personal front, I got a lot of recognition, respect and fame in the hospital and the emergency medicine fraternity and can now boast of a dream job for a 29 year old. What makes me happier and pushes me to work even harder is to see the happiness, satisfaction and content on the faces of everyone at the hospital including my CEO, Medical Director, Consultants, everyone from the management & HR to the nursing staff, housekeeping, purchase department, Public relations department, etc with the pace of the constant development we are doing in the department, thereby improving our quality of service, patient feedbacks and their satisfaction.

By connecting the dots backwards as the great Steve Jobs had said, everything has started to make sense to me and I’m now eagerly looking forward to life and my future ahead.

Monday, August 15, 2016

POOL WATER SENT FOR URINE ROUTINE & CULTURE SENSITIVITY, RIO OLYMPICS STOPPED TEMPORARILY.

"Yahan Peshab Karna Mana Hai" - Rio Olympics Committee.
Rio De Janeiro: With the deepening of the mystery surrounding the Rio Olympic diving pool turning from Blue to Green and Olympic officials unable to come up with a valid explanation, the focus has now shifted to the statement by Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympic athlete of all time, that it's a common practice for athletes to pee in the Olympic pool and that he had himself relieved his bladder multiple times in the past.

The Olympic Managing committee has decided to temporarily stop the Rio Olympics for microbiologists to send pool water for urine routine, culture and antibiotic sensitivity testing. The Games will resume once the pool water culture reports are obtained and the pool is treated with a complete 5 day course of Norfloxacin and Amikacin.

In an interview to the Wall Street Journal earlier this month, Phelps admitted, “When we’re in the pool for two hours, we don’t really get out to pee. We just go whenever we are on the wall. Chlorine kills it, so it’s not bad”. The committee has now decided to randomly conduct USG KUB along with the dope tests on athletes to check for neurogenic or atonic bladder to prevent repetition of such embarrassing incidents.

A recent study published by doctors at the Quackdoc Multispeciality Hospital found that ‘the average adult bladder holds approximately 2 cups of pee, often more. At the Rio Games there are 28 individual swimming events and 6 relay, totaling 52 athletes warming up in the pool to compete for the gold. Even if we just account for the male and female medal winners, that’s 156 potentially peeing athletes in the final round. If all 156 swimmers only deposit two cups of pee into the pool once, there is 75 litres of urine floating around in the Olympic pool.’

Meanwhile, our Gupt Sutra Sunita Tairaq has obtained copies of the secret Memorandum of Understanding signed by Suresh Kalmadi (of the Commonwealth Games scam fame) and owner of Sulabh Shouchalaya Arun Swaminathan for making the pool a world class public urinal after the conclusion of the 2016 Rio Olympics and keeping the price 1 USD similar to the Indian rates for the shouchalayas near railway stations in Mumbai.

The pool peeing revelation which has been found disgusting by most people has brought a wicked smile to female swimmers who envied males for their flexibility to pee anywhere in the open.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Dr. L. H. HIRANANDANI HOSPITAL - OUR PRIDE, OUR FAMILY.


Dr. L. H. Hiranandani Hospital, Powai is not just another corporate hospital, it is an expression, a culture in itself, an emotion, a daily celebration of togetherness and a family of like minded people committed to providing the best, ethical and quality care to all our patients. I write this not as an employee of the hospital but as a neutral observer who in the last 11 months of being part of this great organization has first hand seen the hard work and sacrifice people do to excel at the job allotted to each of us. This hierarchy includes the top management, to the Administrative staff, the consultants, junior doctors, the nurses, executives, housekeeping, security staff, etc. who have always gone the extra mile with their commitment and service to help our patients in need. 

Today, this family of ours is under attack. It has fallen victim to forgery and cheating by a select few who for us were just another unsuspecting patients in distress with their long standing illness wanting a permanent solution in the form of a kidney transplant. A couple got admitted with all legal documents needed to carry out the transplant, little did we know that the documents including the marriage certificate, Adhar card, Pan card, Ration card, etc which were submitted were all fake. The expertise of the gang operating the racket at making these forged documents was so good that it was impossible for anyone, our ethics committee, the government doctor who gave the go ahead for the transplant, and even the criminal lawyer now investigating the case to point out any discrepancies in the documents until the beans were spilled by one among the gang member when the deal went wrong in terms of money sharing. 

Yes, there was a hospital insider involved. There is not denying the fact that Nilesh Kamble who was working as the Medical Social Worker and Transplant Coordinator in the hospital for the last few years was part of the racket, something that went unnoticed considering his trusted conduct at the organization. One man’s greed has led to an avalanche of problems and allegations against the organization which will leave a life time of scar on this glorious hospital, something that will surely heal but will take years to come to terms with. 

The head of this family, our beloved and highly respected CEO Dr. Sujit Chatterjee, our Medical Director Dr. Anurag Naik (Both are pass outs from the prestigious Armed Force Medical College, Pune and have served the country for more than 20-25 years, even in times of wars), and our fellow doctor colleagues have been arrested and are accused of being part of this racket for monetary gains!! The digital and print media has gone berserk targeting the hospital and its doctors every single day with their front page coverage of their cheap tactics, false allegations, non-existent sources, planted and sold statement providers, etc by twisting the facts and evidence just to gain their TRPs and sensationalize their own channels and newspapers. It boils our blood and makes us extremely angry to see cheap headlines like “Hiranandani k Jallad” for our colleagues who are being falsely and deliberately victimized for reasons which will get clear as the investigation progresses. The only reason I kept quite till now was because I thought it would be in the best interest of the organization to not express my anger and frustration against the ‘SYSTEM’ which will only lead to more controversy on social media with people these days looking for an opportunity to fan a fire. 

The judgment today to send our fellow doctor colleagues into judicial custody till 26th August and cancel their license to practice medicine has wrecked and shaken us all to the core. There is no denying the fact that Doctors and hospitals have now become easy targets to rage up a controversy, a scrape goat which is evident from the recent incidents of doctors being beaten up or even shot dead or stabbed, punished and sued for deficiency of service, while we become mere spectators and participants for similar wrongful things in all other streams and industries.
 
It is high time the medical fraternity is urged to stand up together and raise their voice in support of their fellow colleagues to show solidarity and togetherness against this injustice of the so called ‘system’ that has plagued this noble profession. 

Few questions still continue bother me. 
(1) Why is the Indian law so weak that people who were arrested 7 years back for similar crime were out and openly carrying out their routine modus operandi?
(2) Why are the real culprits, the recipient, the donor (fake wife), our medical social worker, the mediators of the gang out on bail and our innocent doctor colleagues behind bars? 
(3) Why has the government doctor who had verified the documents himself first and had given go ahead for the transplant not even mentioned about in the police enquiry and no action has been taken by the DHS against him? 
(4) If 95 such cases were reported to have been carried out in the city in the last few years and only 4 were alleged to have happened at Hiranandani Hospital, why the police has not investigated the remaining 91 cases so far? Are they scared that they will open up a Pandora box where most corporate and government hospitals across the city, state and the country will be found to have flouted norms and will be party to the crime? 
(5) We doctors after dedicating our years into medical studies are trained to treat patients; it is not possible for us to differentiate faked documents or to establish if donor and recipient are faking a relationship. How can the government body expect us to become an investigating agency? 

All we at the hospital can now do is pray and hope for the earliest return of not a CEO, a Medical Director or Consultant doctors but FAMILY MEMBERS of this organization, a hospital we all take pride in being a part of. We will not surrender to this injustice, give up or lose hope, we will hold our heads held high and come out even stronger. Yes, these are difficult and testing times for us, but the truth will prevail. 

URGING ALL OF YOU TO NOT JUST LIKE AND COMMENT BUT PLEASE HELP SHARE IT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

TO SIR, WITH LOVE.


In our journey of growing up, we come across many teachers from school to college and through under graduation to post graduation who selflessly help mold us as a person and shape our career. Some of them leave an ever lasting impression on you. Following is one such letter to my teacher, Dr. Sanjay Mehta - Director, Accident & Emergency, Kokilaben Dhirubhai Ambani Hospital I wrote to few days back.

Respected Sir,

I had thought of personally writing to you many times in past, but better late than never.

It gives me immense pleasure to inform you that I'm really enjoying my work here at Dr. L.H. Hiranandani Hospital. I've got a good opportunity and made the most of it within a short interval of time, with work at the hospital feeling like being part of a big family.

With the training we received at Kokilaben Hospital, and with teachers like you and Dr. Rathi, we are all doing very well in life and feel settled from a career point of view. I really feel satisfied to have literally set up the Accident and Emergency department in 3-4 months. I have no shame in accepting that a lot of the paper work, SOPs, and protocols are inspired by whatever you have taught us, after all they are the best and most systematic that they ever could be.

I have really worked very hard in the last few months and I now have a job profile that I could have only dreamt of so early in my life, being the administrative and clinical in charge of the A&E, no night shifts, offs on Sundays and public holidays, etc. Even the hospital administration and medico-legal diplomas I had done are coming in handy now along with all the AHA courses, I guess God really had a plan for me. On a funny note, I have lost more hair here in 10 months than that at KDAH over 4 years.

The management and patients are really appreciating my work here, I get a lot of good feedback from patients on mails and I would attribute it to you for your guidance and giving me an opportunity to be a part of KDAH A&E, 1st as a resident doctor and then as an Masters in Emergency Medicine (MEM) candidate.

You and the hospital have really played a pivotal role in molding us, our skills, character, confidence and whatever little of emergency medicine I know, is always because of all of you. Many youngsters might say that they want to be like their father, but I personally respect you so much that I always idolize you as a teacher, a guide, a department head, a boss and as a person who has supported us always and achieve so much. 

Thank you for everything.

Regards - Mohit Garg

and the unexpected reply within 10 minutes of my mail, that too on a Sunday morning from Dr. Sanjay Mehta - “Many congratulations for your achievements. It is your passion that drives you to achieve your dreams. There can be nothing more satisfying for a teacher than to see his students carving out a brilliant career. It is a privilege and pride for me to have students like you. Wish you all the success and glory in life.”

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

KDAH MEM 2016 BATCH COMMENCEMENT SPEECH


Dear Teachers, Parents, Nursing staff and my colleagues,

It is my honor and privilege to be invited by our respected Dr. Mehta, Director of Accident & Emergency to say a few words on this occasion. It was approximately 1 year back that the 1st batch of MEM residents passed out from this institute and have now already made a name for themselves in the field of emergency medicine.

What makes this program at KDAH different from that at other centers is that students here apart from their training as emergency physicians are groomed to be good leaders and managers. The freedom that we residents get right from history taking, deciding on investigations, plan of care and treatment goals, emergency procedures and medication though initially under supervision gives us the confidence of rational thinking and independently taking responsibility of our patients, paving the road for a good future ahead.

My message for the now post graduate doctors is that there is an exciting and emerging world of emergency medicine out there waiting for you with plenty of job opportunities and scope for personal career growth. The days of CMOs (Casualty medical officer) and casualty are far from over and the next decade belongs to this fastest growing branch of emergency medicine in the country. In the medical jargon, it is said that patient satisfaction and recovery is only partly based on the medication, partly on the facility/amenities and the remaining major part on the way the doctor makes the patient feel with his confidence, communication, compassion and soft skills; and this is what we have to continuously improve on. With the kind of patient load and training that you all have received, you are all ready to manage any medical emergency independently. Let it not be money driving you in the initial months but the passion and fire within to do good work in this field and be better clinicians and leaders of tomorrow, good work gets recognized, valued and encouraged everywhere and success will surely follow.

I would conclude with a quote from Steve Jobs, “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do”.
On that note, I would like to congratulate all of you and wishing you all the best for the future.

Thank you.

Friday, June 17, 2016

MAN UNDERGOES COSMETIC SURGERY ON HIS BUMS, WANTED TO SIT COMFORTABLY ON THE 4TH SEAT OF MUMBAI LOCAL.


Mumbai- In a jaw dropping, rare corrective surgery which would make even Dr. House piss in his pants, a man from Mumbai, Huge'o Butt got his buttocks remodeled by plastic surgeons to fit on the 4th seat of the local train.

In an interview with our Samwadata Pranshul Kamdar, Butt said, "Getting into a local train during peak office hours is more difficult than taking your wife out for shopping. It was a shame that after standing from Kandivali to Dadar in the 1st Class, all I could manage was the 4th seat, on which half of my butt would float in space making it difficult for me to sleep till Churchgate."

"I had to sit sideways leaning my sweaty back on the person sitting next to me, irritate him by peeping in his newspaper or fart loudly to make some space. This surgery will really change the way I and my fellow commuters travel", Mr. Butt added further.

The revolutionary surgery which has perplexed even the learned medical pundits at the Quackdoc Multi-specialty Hospital drew sharp criticism from a section of Godmen.

After reading the news, Asaram tweeted from jail that the man should have come to his ashram first to learn some 'Pelvic Exercises' from him or his son Narayan Sai which would have saved a lot of money to the patient with even better cosmetic results. Yoga guru Baba Ramdev too offered free Kapalbhanti workshop.

"My next mission is to get into a Virar Fast from Churchgate and try getting down at Borivali to see if my surgery was really a success, after all who would want to kick a cosmetically enhanced ass ?", said Huge'o Butt revealing his further course of action.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

QUACKS SCARED, DOCTORS APPROACH KEJRIWAL FOR THEIR DEGREE VERIFICATION.

"I'm so honest, I could have passed PSM exams without writing stories." - Kejriwal
New Delhi: In a major boost to Arvind Kejriwal’s prime ministerial aspirations for the Lok Sabha 2019 elections, doctors across the country have undisputedly nominated him for the prestigious post of clerk in the Medical Council of India to personally check the degrees of all practicing quacks in India.
 
It is a well known fact that compounders claiming to be doctors in small towns and villages, quacks practicing with fake non-existent degrees, BAMS / BHMS doctors prescribing allopathic medications and doing surgeries, MD medicine doctors claiming to be cardiologists and diabetologists, etc is rampant in the country. According to statistics with the Quack Medical Association, up to 45 percent of all people practicing medicine in the nation have no formal training; as many as 700,000 of these dubious practitioners, with exaggerated or falsified credentials, even work in major hospitals. 

The self proclaimed ex-income tax commissioner has proved his expertise and commitment to such noble cause with his recent efforts while trying to prove of Prime Minster Narendra Modi’s degree being fake. While many claim that it was all done with orders from Congress President Sonia Gandhi to take away the limelight from the August Westland Helicopter deal, real doctors have recognized the raw talent and hailed Kejriwal as a messiah for the future of healthcare in India. 

“Kejriwal’s commitment and dedication towards work is unquestionable. He was himself a victim of quackery before becoming Delhi’s Chief Minister. He is allergic to cameras and mics and suffers from bronchospasm every time he would see people from press or common man in groups. For months, a quack continued to treat him with monkey cap with muffler but to no avail. We believe that he will go in depth to find out whether or not a quack has a recognized medical degree as claimed, whether the degree is genuine or fake or finally if someone attended classes and completed his or her homework on time to be conferred the degree”, said an AAPtard who did not wish to be publicly shamed by being named. 

While our personal phone calls and messages to Kejriwal went unanswered, inside sources within the Aam Admi Party revealed that Kejriwal was busy preparing for the upcoming auditions of Zee TV’s talent hunt show “India’s Best Dramebaaz- Season 3” and would announce his decision soon.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

ARNAB GOSWAMI IS THE NUMBER 1 RISK FACTOR FOR HYPERTENSION IN INDIA : STUDY.


Mumbai: In a path breaking study conducted at the Quackdoc Multispecialty Hospital, Arnab Goswami, India’s most famous judge, jury and executioner for his show, the Newshour has now become the number one risk factor for hypertension in the Indian population.

The success of the show, which recently completed its 10 years on 1st February, was marred by recent reports that the ever angry and ever restless news anchor Arnab had surpassed the threats by obesity, excessive salt in diet, alcohol, low vitamin D levels and other risk factors to become the biggest threat to the morbidity and mortality of an entire nation.

The World Health Organization (WHO) had earlier predicted that by 2025, one third of the Indians would suffer from Diabetes and High blood pressure related ailments, but according to recent study, WHO has now claimed that 99.9 % of all viewers of the talk show will suffer from Hypertension by the year 2020, unless Arnab starts giving the guest panelists a chance to talk on the show.

What has baffled the researchers involved in the study even further is that the hypertension caused by watching Arnab has been found to be resistant to the standard treatment of Diuretics, ACE inhibitors, Beta blockers, Calcium channel blockers, etc and can only be treated to a certain extent by watching youtube videos of Rahul Gandhi’s speeches and of Arvind Kejriwal making his false promises and dramatic claims.

Our Gupt Samwadata spoke to Dr. Arun Swaminathan, the doctor-in-chief of the research, “The constant yelling and bickering on the show produces a stress response in the viewers, which in turn stimulates the adrenal glands to produce the fight, fright and flight hormones, namely Adrenaline, Noradrenaline and Cortisol, thereby increasing the blood pressure. It has been observed that since the debut of the show 10 years back, the number of Indians suffering from myocardial infarction, tinnitus, intracranial bleed and nightmares has doubled, with the guest panelists being the hardest hit, suffering from neurogenic bladder where they have no control on & subconsciously piss in their pants with even the thought of facing Arnab again. He is slowly becoming India’s most dreaded father-husband, and might be the only guy in the world to fight with his wife and win an argument. There was a time when kids did not drink milk and mothers used to scare them by threatening to call the police, times have now changed and mothers now threaten to call Arnab uncle instead.”

With his undeniable ability to increase urine output, research is now underway if videos of Arnab Goswami can be used to treat congestive heart failure (CHF), and whether he is more efficacious than the time tested furosemide (Lasix) & Nitroglycerine infusion. Whatever the results may be, only time will tell, but experts are skeptical of the chances of using Arnab in CHF with the counter argument that he could possibly cause a heart attack first.

Monday, March 7, 2016

CONGRESS PRESIDENT SONIA GANDHI ANNOUNCES Rs. 5 CRORE REWARD FOR ANY DOCTOR WHO INCREASES RAHUL'S IQ.


New Delhi: A day after BJP youth wing leader offered to award Rs 5 lakh to anyone who cuts off JNU president Kanhaiya Kumar's tongue, Congress party president Sonia Gandhi has now announced an award of Rs. 5 crores to any doctor who can treat her son Rahul Gandhi and make him look less idiotic than Pakistani cricket players in post match conferences.

In an emotional speech which lasted over 30 minutes, Sonia looked disappointed and broken while narrating her experience as a mother dealing with a son like Rahul.

The Gandhi scion who is now at the peak of his stand up comedy career has become so much of an embarrassment for the Congress that even ministers from within the party are poking fun at him and were seen laughing during Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s vicious attack on the comedian in the parliament recently.

In an exclusive interview with The Quackdoc, Sonia Gandhi said, "I’ve now tried everything, from Cerelac to Dabur Janma Ghutti, from almonds to chavanprash but nothing seems to be working on him. Rahul ne toh congress ki ‘Gandhi’ maar di. Politics is meant for corruption and he must learn to do what congress has done for the last 60 years. I really hope medical science finds a miracle cure for my son with stem cells or brain transplants technology.”

While many doctors have taken the offer seriously and are flocking to New Delhi to conduct medical tests on their new high profile client, experts are skeptical of such a cure stating that Rahul is like old wine that will only get better with age, in idiocy and his ability to make people laugh though.

Monday, February 22, 2016

HIRANANDANI HALL OF FAME


“Clients do not come first. Employees come first. If you take care of the employees, they will take care of the clients.” – Sir Richard Branson.

Its 2.15 am in the morning (and 4.20 am by the time I finished penning it down) and I just can’t stop thinking and thanking my stars for how lucky I feel to be a part of Dr. L.H. Hiranandani Hospital, an organization that has given me the opportunity of a dream job so early in my career and at a young age of 29. In the last 4 months that I have been part of the organization, I have received uninterrupted support and encouragement from everyone at the hospital, right from the top management, the Human Resources & administrative department, all the consultants, the nursing team, purchase department, housekeeping staff, security, etc to set up a department which I thought the hospital deserved long time back.

I have no shame in accepting that the Kokilaben Dhirubhai Ambani Hospital where I did my post graduate residency from has the best ‘functional’ emergency department in western India, but with the kind of work that we have been able to do at my institution over the last 3-4 months, we have successfully set up a state of the art Accident & Emergency department, ready with its infrastructure, documentation & the SOPs, medications, equipment, etc.

There would very few people on the planet who would say that they love their ‘job’, they look forward to Monday mornings and that their boss is good. Well, I’m among those few who have their passion as their job and even a single day spent away from my work place now makes the day seem incomplete.

I still remember my first 3 months at the hospital. We have an 8 bedded (+2 OTs) A&E now, which was known as casualty then. Every morning when I used to come to work, I would see that out of the 8 beds, 6-7 of the beds were always occupied with patients for Intravenous therapy, Electroconvulsive therapy, Endoscopies, Ascitic tapping, urine catheter insertion and removal, rectal enemas, etc and we were dealing with very few real emergencies. I wondered then that if that is the kind of emergency department that I’m going to work in, I don’t think I’m going to stay for more than 1 month. It was only at the insistence of and counseling from Dr. Anurag Naik (our Medical Director) that I decided that I should settle down first and then think about bringing about the radical changes slowly.

I used to work from 8 am till 4.15 pm, come back home by 5 pm and get back to work again from home designing all the paperwork and forms, sending emails, making phone calls and it used to become a regular routine wherein I was working till 10 in the night, just to set up the department I can now boast of.

It really was a proud moment for me when I presented the overview of the emergency medicine as a specialization and my A&E department during the clinical meet in January in front of 60-80 doctors from the hospital, including the top management, and receiving a big round of applause from the audience and special praise from Dr. Sujit Chatterjee (our hospital CEO). “You really have done a commendable job Mohit, hope you continue to keep up the good work”, were his exact words which still keep ringing in my ears, motivating me further to fulfill the high expectations that everyone has from our department now.

The ambiance at the work place, recognition for your work, the appreciation by your superiors, a cooperative management, the feeling to be wanted, etc are important aspects why an employee would love their place of work and the company or the organization. I’m amazed to see that there are so many doctors, nurses and others who became part of this Hiranandani hospital family right from the start of the hospital and never left!!

Apart from our constant endeavor to provide the best and quality treatment to all our patients, I feel that this hospital is so much lively unlike the previous hospitals I have worked with or seen. Luckily, I joined at a time when the sports day and the annual day were just around the corner and I won a few trophies. Winning and losing is only a part of such events, most importantly, I made such good friendship and bonding with many people in the hospital whom I would have never even met during routine days at work.

To garnish the overall last few months here, was an opportunity to be a part of a singing group for a performance on occasion of the 12th anniversary of the hospital. An exceptionally vibrant, full of energy song, ‘Hall of Fame’ was chosen by our CEO. It still gives me goosebumps thinking about how we came about from the day we had just started practicing to where we ended, it surely was an exceptional performance. We still continue to have a whatsapp group where we still talk about our performance and are already planning for another rocking performance next year. (Dr. Chatterjee Sir, if you are reading this post, I want to say that I’m just amazed and in complete awe of your dynamism and energy levels, and that you surely have a fan following. It really would not have been such a rocking performance without all your inputs during the rehearsals.)

I also received an award called the Care Award 2015- for caring beyond THE ORDINARY. It was for the 1st time in the history of the hospital that ‘a doctor’ had received it. I really could not control my tears and the emotions while our CEO read out a feedback email from one of my patient from the large screen on the stage, in front of a strong crowd of 1200-1500 hospital employees and guests, which included my parents.


To conclude, thank you God, and thank you Dr. L.H. Hiranandani Hospital for giving me this platform. I plan a long term career at this organization now, and with everyone’s support, guidance and motivation in years to come, will work with even more commitment and hard work to make the Accident & Emergency Department a jewel in the crown of the hospital.

P.S: Like most of my articles on this blog since 2008, the post was not to glorify my work or achievement. It was to capture in time, my honest opinion, emotions and the feeling racing through my mind, and to express my heartfelt gratitude towards a great hospital and everyone working here for all their love, support, motivation and recognition that I have received in the last 4-5 months. Also, the adrenaline, dopamine within and octane levels were still running high, 2 days after an electrifying hospital anniversary and I thought it is better to pen down the memories than to just smile thinking about it.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

HEALTHCARE SECTOR IN A TIZZY AS HOSPITAL ASKS ITS DOCTORS TO CARRY MENU CARD.


Mumbai: In a bizarre turn of events which has become the talk of the healthcare sector, the management of city’s Quackdoc Multispeciality Hospital has directed its doctors to carry a menu card with a price list for all the services, specializations, investigations, consultation, procedure, surgery, etc along with a calculator for totaling, while interacting with patients.

The hospital has already grabbed headlines in the past for its ridiculous treatment, glorified quacks on its panel, open cuts to referring doctor, false radiology & pathology reports, false bills & insurance claims, surgeries / angiography / angioplasty in cases where they are not indicated, etc. The new recommendations have meanwhile been slammed by the Quack Doctor’s Association of India, for making the learned quacks look like ‘waiters’ than doctors in front of the unsuspecting patients.

It is a common practice for most patients (Its true !! - English Speaking, educated people) and their relatives coming to big corporate hospital to ask the attending doctor itself the cost of each investigation, total bill, etc in spite of the presence of executive staff at the front office outside each department. Trade pundits believe that such measures, if successful will hit the healthcare industry hard as more corporate hospitals might follow suit to this unique game changing and cost effective plan.

Our Gupt Samwadata Ratna Johari spoke to the hospital CEO (Chief Executive O’Mama) Arun Swaminathan, “It is important that we give the patient an exact figure of the amount they will be spending at our esteemed world class hospital. It has been our practice and policy over the years that every single Rupee of the insurance claim amount should be used up before the patient is referred to higher center. Our hospital is known for its excellent services and such measures of doctors carrying a menu card will only make the doctor patient relationship more transparent, thereby improving patient satisfaction”, he said with an expected -wicked top brass’ smile. 

Whether the new services become hit or not with the patients or their relatives, only time will tell. But unconfirmed plans of the hospital to soon start ‘Great Dhamaka Treatment’ at large discounts (*Conditions Apply) on few days during the year has already sent the industry in a tizzy.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

DOCTORS RUSH TO GET HITCHED AFTER PG ENTRANCE EXAM, WEDDING PLANNERS CHEERFUL.


Mumbai: In unexpected developments which have surprised even the experienced marriage pundits who got doctors to bite the bullet in the past, it has been seen that there is a rush among medical students to get engaged/married immediately after this months medical PG entrance exam’ 2015.

A survey conducted by The QuackDoc revealed that while previously girls after easily securing a PG seat though both, the general and the women category would wait for their MBBS days boyfriend to get a PG seat after a 2 or 3 year drop, they now prefer to get engaged/married immediately after their 1st attempt together just to change their Facebook relationship status from ‘Its Complicated’ to ‘Engaged/Married’.

With recent reports of non IIT engineers not getting placed this year, market trends of engineers being ready to work for 5K and those with additional MBA degree for 20K, parents of medical students too seem to be happy to get rid of their already frustrated child and let them marry a MBBS graduate, now in demand as RMOs in corporate hospitals across the country.

Our Samwadata spoke to Dr. Tharki Kunwara who is preparing to give his 3rd PG attempt in 2015. “Ever since PG entrance exams ended, my Facebook home page news feed is flooded with people creating life events of getting engaged or married. Even my best friend who always said that he was doing ‘TP’ with his girlfriend actually got married to her. It is most frustrating is to see the photographs of my juniors getting hitched too. How can people not wait till 1st or 2nd year of residency?”

Whether such changing trends are means of male medical students to ‘once in a lifetime’ get more than 100 likes on their profile pictures or for the BF waiting females to avoid the other batch mates who start hitting on them through Whatsapp/Facebook Messenger, only time will tell.

Although the wedding planners seem to be celebrating their unexpectedly expanding client base, the developments could spell doomsday for single male doctors who finally secure ‘The coveted PG seat’ but would now fail to find any suitors.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

MAN CLAIMS HIS MOTHER "VIBRATES", RESEARCH ON NEW SYMPTOM UNDERWAY.


Mumbai: In a never before reported incident in the history of medical science, a man has claimed that his mother who was having fever since 2 days has started “vibrating”.

Mobile shop owner Pappu Pager who brought his sick mother to the Emergency Department at the Quakdoc Multispeciality Hospital made the perplexing revelation. When the duty doctor tried to explain that she could just be shivering, Mr. Pager argued, “My mother’s teeth were not chattering but instead her entire body was “vibrating” and my credibility should not be questioned as I have been part of this mobile industry since the days Nokia launched the mobile phones with a vibrator.”

Among intense pressure with the general public already scared from the MERS (Middle East Respiratory Syndrome caused my Coronavirus), the information of the new symptom has been conveyed to WHO and the writers of Harrisons Principle of Internal Medicine who have sent their representatives Dr. Arun Swaminathan and Dr. Sagar Chandekar respectively to investigate the matter.

The treating Physician Dr. Nikita Dedhia has however refused to comment on the developments and the patient’s management till the complete blood workup reports are available.

Meanwhile, The Quackdoc Hospital & Research Institute has been flooded with queries from young women for existence of any drug which produces “vibrations” as its primary effect if given to their boyfriend or husband.

P.S- This is a true incident when a man told me, "Mummy ko 2 din se bahut fever hai and aj subah se toh woh "Vibrate" maar rahi hai."

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

DEPRESSION RISING AMONG MALE MEDICAL STUDENTS, MCI DECLARES IT A 'NATIONAL HEALTH EMERGENCY'.


Mumbai: In an astonishing study conducted at The Quackdoc Multispeciality Hospital, it has been found that ‘Not getting 100 likes on Facebook profile picture’ has become the number one cause of depression in male medical students today.

In a double blinded, randomized control study conducted on 1000 depressed, bald, male medical students across the city, it was found that a whopping 56 % of them were suffering from the disorder due to the sparse likes on their Facebook profile picture, their singlehood status coming in second at 31 % and the remaining 13 % due to other causes like failing in PSM exam, FIFA 2015 crashing frequently on their computer, parents forcing them to join medicine & now they see no way out, shameful balance in bank accounts till 28-29 years of age, etc. (Maths enthusiastic doctors, please don’t count. I’ve rechecked. Total is 100 %)

It has been often noted that girls (even the not so hot & sexy ones) putting any random photos always ends up getting a minimum of 100 likes and comments eventually (50 additional likes for a pout), which has often been joked around as a hot topic on social media and instant messengers like Whatsapp. When a guy puts photographs with similar poses, background or location, they end up frequently checking their notification panel for the evasive likes and comments, are forced to ‘Tag’ friends to get some response or are often bombarded with rude comments.

Our gupt samwadata Deepak Kumar Singh spoke to Pranshul Kamdar (name changed to withhold identity), a medical intern who is a regular in the Psychiatry OPD at our hospital.

“A girl puts a photo in a saree and gets more than 200 likes and I post my photo in an Armani Blazer and get only 17 likes? I’ve also tried clicking and uploading photos with babies, kids or puppies but have not even touched 50 likes ever!! Once I put my marriage photo as profile picture and people started passing cheap ‘Bhabhi’ jokes about my wife. Kutte-Saale !! It gets so depressing. Even monkeys with a DSLR camera calling themselves amateur photographers get more likes on their random crappy photos than we medicos get on ours.”

With fear looming large that many depressed, future doctors might attempt suicide by deactivating their Facebook profile, Medical Council of India (MCI) has declared depression among male medical students a ‘National Health Emergency’.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

DENTISTS PROTEST BAN ON GUTKA & PAN MASALA, OFFER GOVERNMENT 30% CUT.

Mumbai: In an impromptu decision by the Indian Dental Association to protest against Aamir Khan’s suggestion to ban gutka & pan masala, city dentists came together at Azad Maidan early this morning shouting slogans and painting effigy of him with red gutka spit.

“How will we be able to feed our families if people stop coming to us for bleaching, scaling, root canal and tooth extraction after years of chewing gutka and pan masala?”, questioned angry Dentist Dr. Manjan Dantodkar. “Just because Aamir Khan is only 12th pass and has inferiority complex about it, how can he suggest policies against real doctors?”, he shouted showing off a borrowed stethoscope. “We are even ready to give the Government 30% referral cut if they do not pay heed to the suggestion, ” he added.

On his show Satyamev Jayate, Aamir had recently revealed that he ate over 10000 pans for getting into the skin of his Bhojpuri Character in PK which has permanently stained his teeth. The Government taking note of the self proclaimed-hypocrite-social crusader’s suggestion had planned to ban these products from 1st January, also after recurrent reports that people would slip and fall while crossing roads and on railway platforms increasing the number of patient load to government hospitals.

Dr. Manjan Dantodkar has now called for a Bandh across India urging dentists from all over the country to join in and not watch PK in theaters, only its generic version on pirated CDs.

At the end of the rallly when the photographer asked the dentists to smile, they all smiled saying FEEEEEESS.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

SC ORDERS PATIENT TO PAY COMPENSATION TO DOCTOR, FRATERNITY CALLS IT A HISTORIC MOMENT.


Mumbai: In the first ever compensation awarded in a harassment case against a patient, the Supreme Court today asked a patient Deepak Kumar to pay a whopping Rs 10 Lakhs along with interest to a Mumbai-based doctor Arun Swaminathan who had a mental breakdown during the patients prolonged consultation with him, which included the patient’s doubts and claims of become a half doctor within few hours by reading about his symptoms on the internet.

It is a well known fact that patients these days visit their doctor and lighten their wallets only when their symptoms worsen after trying all free treatment options from websites like PubMed.com, WebMD.com, etc, and not before openly & loudly updating their concerned relative on phone, “Saala doctor bahut paise charge karta hai”.

Deepak with complains of hair loss in June, had consulted Dr Swaminathan, who, without prescribing any medicine, rightly asked him to apply Baba Ramdev’s hair oil and stop masturbating for a few weeks.

As hair loss became more aggressively by July, Dr. Swaminathan prescribed Dabur Chavanprash twice daily, but Deepak started using Minoxidil after looking up on Google, a step which was later faulted by expert dermatologists from Bihar at the apex court.

With time, patient’s questions after reading things online become so vague that Swaminathan started pulling his own hair, and gradually stopped taking gifts from MRs or cuts for referrals and started prescribing only generic drugs.

Dr. Swaminathan had then filed a criminal case against the patient for mental harassment on the ground that the patient was grossly negligent in his Google search and the patient asking silly, stupid questions had lead to the doctor’s mental breakdown and in his plea, had demanded a record Rs.1 crore as compensation.

Terming the verdict as “historic”, Dr. Swaminathan in an email told The Quackdoc, “Patients have now become a question bank like Paresh Raval from the film ‘Judaai’. This verdict will send a strong message to all tech-savvy patients that are infuriating innocent doctors like me every day with their half enlightened knowledge from Google.”

The Mumbai doctor’s association has meanwhile unanimously decided to use a notice board at all polyclinic and hospital’s entrance stating – “When you can pay for extra butter and sambhar in a restaurant, patients with doubts from Google will also be charged extra.”

Thursday, July 9, 2015

MY VOTE OF THANKS AT KDAH-MEM GRADUATION CEREMONY.



Respected Teachers, senior consultants, parents, and my dear friends. 

First of all, I would like to thank everybody for giving me this privilege today to thank all of you on behalf of my colleagues and for greater privilege that we have been enjoying as the 1st resident doctors of a structured residency course at KDAH for the last 3 years. This is indeed a very special moment for us here today with a strange blend of happiness, sadness and nostalgia. Happy because we will be leaving KDAH for greater endeavor in future, sad for the same reason.

It really gives me goose bumps talking in front of this remarkable audience. An audience consisting of our teachers and our family members, without their support, training, sacrifice and patience we would not have come this far today. They are people who have looked up to us with great anticipation and hope, the ones who supported us in shaping our future and are now humble spectators of our performance. All I can say is THANK YOU all from the bottom of my heart for the love, warmth, and most of all; your commitment to give to the medical fraternity, better doctors and the emergency physicians of tomorrow.

Also among the audience are my colleagues-friends including juniors and the nursing staff. Emergency medicine is a branch which teaches you to value team work. While in the department, we really worked as a closely bonded team to provide the best care possible and not compromise on our commitment towards patient’s health, off duty hours we were just a bunch of youngsters hanging out together, discussing everything, apart from work and studies. All the time we spent managing patients together, the resuscitations, trauma cases, code blues, lectures, presentations, last minute studying, late night birthday cake cuttings, the end of the month night shift treats, etc will really be missed. I’m sure that as soon as we will be scattered around the country and the globe, the nostalgia of togetherness will surely set in.

Last but not the least; I would like to thank a very silent member of our audience. One who has no hands to clap, and no lips to smile. But has a very big heart, the one whom we are going to miss the most. Our beloved Accident and Emergency department which is no doubt the best in the city and the best in Western India. Not to boast, but I trust our training and commitment so much that I do not even remember the number of people staying in Mumbai I have proudly told, if you want to save someone’s life in emergency, come to Kokilaben Hospital A & E (Accident & Emergency Department). If we can’t, no one else can. The department truly deserves our large slice of our gratitude.

To conclude, I would like to thank the almighty for giving us the strength to pull it off. Residency years are undoubtedly the toughest years of a doctor’s life.

I would like to end with this short 10 minute video clip of some of our wonderful memories at KDAH.

Thank you.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

PROTEST INTENSIFIES ON SOCIAL MEDIA AS 'THE PROFILE PICTURE OF SHAME' CAMPAIGN GAINS MOMENTUM.


Mumbai: Thousands of unhappy, single, male medical students and doctors have put up this image as their profile picture on various social networking and microblogging site as a mark of protest against the Medical Council to admit girls in medical colleges based on marks alone, and not their looks.

The profile picture has become a rage on the Internet with several groups telling Net users to share this picture and become a part of the silent protest in cyberspace.

"The image symbolizes the shame MBBS & PG courses carry for not being able to protect the love interest of the hardworking, dashing male medical students who become bald, fat and look mature by the time their education ends, and are then not able to find a pretty girlfriend", said a sobbing Deepak Kumar Singh whose many attempts to woo a batchmate / junior / senior / dermatology or psychiatry houseman / nurse / patient's relative had failed in the past.

Facebook user Dr. Arun Swaminathan said, “A symbol works when words fail. This is the symbol of pain, injustice, anger and helplessness of the single, male MBBS & PG students. This image is a mark of collective humiliation faced by us in front of our non medical branch friends, to not have even one pretty girlfriend in the 5.5 years of MBBS and internship.”

Whether or not this social networking wave will bring about any change, only time will tell. But a section of the protesting medical students are now planning to approach Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in the hope of 'Ache din' soon.

Friday, May 15, 2015

CHARITRA - THE CHARACTER


The first time I saw her was on the first day of my pediatric rotation during the PGY1 of my residency. She was lying down on her bed in the chemotherapy day care center, crying, as the drugs flowed slowly through her veins over 4 hours.

With my weakness of getting emotional on seeing people cry, I decided to find out if she was in any pain or discomfort. After telling her that I was the good doctor uncle who would not give her any more pricks (did a hands-up too to show I didn’t have any syringe in my hands) and only wanted to talk to her, she let me sit beside her.

“I want to eat ‘Pani Puri’, ice cream and chocolate right now”, she said.

I smiled and told her I’ll be back after confirming with her primary care physician.

I along with the pediatric oncologist then attended to her on our rounds and explained to her that she has to be very strict with her diet while the chemotherapy was on (to avoid URTI / AGE) and would be allowed to eat everything she wanted in a few months time.

*****

Time passed, allied rotation ended and I was back to my Emergency Department. Saw her undergo bone marrow biopsy 2-3 times in the minor OT of our department, and if I was free, would always talk with her about everything except her treatment- her school, teachers, friends, hobbies, etc.

She began to open up to me. Showed me her sparkling hair clips, the games on her I-pad, would take my pen and stethoscope to play with, occasionally borrowing A4 size papers from the printer to draw and write on. And soon a friendship blossomed.

*****

Next time she came to our OT for her procedure, I had promised to give her a chocolate of her choice if she did not cry this time. Unexpectedly, she didn’t and asked for her 5 star as soon as she came out. I had no option but to change from my scrubs, and go to buy her chocolate from the Panwala outside. The smile on her face as I gave it to her doubled as I surprised her with another one hidden in my other hand, which earned me a kiss me on the cheeks.

*****

After a gap of few months, saw her again 2 days back. She has some throat pain and fever and the panicky parents immediately brought her to the ED. Could not recognize her at all as unlike her usual self, she was so quiet, looking serious, and had beautiful long hair by now and I proceeded to our doctor’s room.

“Hello doctor uncle”, I heard in a familiar voice as she peeped through the half closed door following me all the way. It put a smile on my face. For the next 30 minutes, I chatted with her, pulled her leg that we would keep her with us as we would get bored in our night shift, even tried bribing her with chocolates and Oreo biscuits my colleague had brought for dinner.

“Is the chemo over?,” I asked her mother thinking it must be by now, it has been a long 2 years…

”Still Going on,” is all she said.

The on call in house pediatrician had seen her by now, but she did not want to leave and followed me as I attended to my other patients. It was only when I was going to attend to a patient with a new onset pleural effusion did I tell her to go home (didn’t want her to get infected from a suspected Pulmonary Koch’s Patient) and promised to give her more time the next time she comes.

“I will now come to meet you on 14th July. It’s my birthday. Will you gift me a Cinderella dress? I will make 2 cards for you.” she said before leaving, and I’m still clueless what exactly a Cinderella dress is.

I am now waiting to see her again, and hopefully will find her gift soon.

*****

Nothing exceptional! Right? What makes me write this is how a 4-5 year old girl has touched me deeply with her ever undying spirit in spite of the tough ordeal she has to go through on a daily basis, her courage to not cry when getting pricked multiple times for her blood samples, her cheerfulness and eagerness to share with me all the new happenings in her life, and most importantly, she has taught me to stay happy and value this beautiful gift of life.

It really surprises me how strong a bond can build up between doctors and our patients over time. We too get attached at times, praying for their well being and quick recovery.

I don’t even know her full name. Her 1st name is Charitra- means character in English. Don’t know if this post will ever be read by her, or her parents, but all I know is that I will always pray that medical science progresses so fast that she and millions of other children suffering from leukemia and adults with cancers do not go through such painful ordeal for such prolonged period and we can soon find a cure.

*****

I have always felt a lot for patients suffering from cancer, and those with chronic kidney diseases. Both these diseases are an emotional, physical and financial burden on the patient & the family members with the high cost of treatment (Chemotherapy, dialysis, immunosuppressive drugs, etc) apart from recurrent admissions to a hospital, and an uncertain future.

Yes, there are other debilitating diseases like arthritis, patients with low ejection fraction who go into recurrent failure, liver cirrhosis, COPD and many others, but I plan do my bit after coming into independent practice soon by spreading awareness about health, and encourage others to help, support, donate for and encourage such people and initiatives for the betterment of society and people in need.

No matter how much people accuse doctors of being money minded, selfish, involved in cut practice, easy targets beat them up, hand in glove with pharmaceutical companies, and many other accusations, medicine will always remain the most Noble of all professions. Yes, there are and there will be bad fishes, but the fraternity cannot be charged to be corrupt as a whole. People should realize that ‘We do and will always care for you’.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

I’D LOVE TO LOVE YOU.


You take my breath away,
In my arms I’d wish you stay,
My world is complete, when I look in your eyes,
All sorrows are gone, serenity like clear blue skies.

I’d love to love you.

I think of you, day and night,
The aura of your smile shining bright,
With sound of your laughter, ringing in my ears,
It seems you’re the one whom I've waited for years.

I’d love to love you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

HOUSEMAN WRITES OPEN LETTER TO HOD, DEMANDS RESPECT.


Mumbai: In a never before seen bizarre incident in the history of medical education, inspired by the spate of open letters on social media, another open letter written by a first year Surgery houseman to his thesis guide/Head of Department(HOD) has taken the social media by storm.

Apart from well known abuses similar to the ones used the All India Bakchod (AIB) Roast of Ranveer Singh and Arjun Kapoor (we do not want to publish them as our editor fears being attacked by political parties and religious groups), the houseman has publicly accused the HOD of insulting him in front of pretty Obstetric/Dermatology/Psychiatry residents when they come for seeing references, asking theory questions and abusing him in front of patient’s relatives, not giving time to meet his girlfriend, warning him to laugh at the HOD’s not so funny jokes, make PPTs for which the HOD takes away all the credit and many other such heart touching concerns.

Our samwadata spoke to the houseman Pranshul Kamdar (name changed to withhold identity), “If Deepika Padukone and Shehnaz Treasurywala can write an open letter just before the release of their movies to gain sympathy, why can’t I grab the limelight before the upcoming final exams of my 3rd year registrars. For the past 9 months, the HOD would only make me clean and drape the surgical site or maximum take post operative sutures when the surgery got over, but after my open letter he now only makes me adjust the OT light and count the number of mops used in the surgery with the nurse. He has sidelined me from the unit how Modi has sidelined L.K. Advani from BJP. The only people who supported me were the medical interns who too have to take their money back for the Xeroxes, tea and breakfast, etc that the HOD/Professors and Registrars ask them to get.”

The issue has now become a bone of contention between the state and the central government with Maharashtra Chief Minister Devendra Fadnavis announcing free MCh seat for the houseman while PM Modi wants to nominate him for Bharat Ratna next year. Unconfirmed reports stated that impressed by his courage, Kamdar’s matrimony web profile has been flooded with alliance offers ever since the letter went viral.

When The QuackDoc tried contacting the HOD in question (identity withheld), he did not reply to our calls and smses.