The Gift of Perspective: Four Years at Gleneagles and Beyond

This blog post has been long due—partly because life has become extremely hectic off late with work, family, and kids, and partly because of a lack of motivation to put those emotions into words… until life sent me on a forced short vacation—being admitted to the same hospital where I work, with an infection and its small complication (which could have gotten much worse).

Maybe it’s the beautiful Mumbai weather today, with light rain and the energetic Ganpati dhols playing below… maybe it’s the serene view of the Arabian Sea and the sailing ships from my room window… maybe it’s because I’m feeling emotional after so many colleagues personally came to wish me a speedy recovery over the last three days… maybe it’s because I’m overwhelmed with the firsthand experience of the extraordinary level of clinical care in the ward… or maybe it’s just the Meropenem and other drugs kicking in.

Whatever the reason, I didn’t want to miss the chance today to capture the flow of my thoughts—to be grateful for life, and thankful to God for everything.

I just completed four years with Gleneagles Hospital on 1st August this year. The move in 2021 was surely sudden and drastic—from a 24-bedded department with a team of 60, to a much smaller 6-bedded department and a team of 20. But it wasn’t a difficult decision, especially after spending many days in the ICU due to COVID and sepsis. Fast forward four years, and I realize it was all part of God’s bigger, more beautiful plan.

Steve Jobs once said, “The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” And I still feel the same love for Emergency Medicine that I did 15 years ago. I may be confined to my room now as a patient, but I still wish I could go down to the A&E and be amidst the action—managing patients. Call it passion, call it craziness, or call it obsession!

Looking back, what a journey it has been with Gleneagles Hospital—having the independence to personally introduce so many new forms in the department and hospital, defining new SOPs, clinical protocols, audits, and quality parameters, building a new team every time medical officers left, raising the quality bar, conducting trainings, mentoring juniors, organizing CMEs, awareness talks, and workshops, arranging departmental treats, hospital meetings (often being very vocal and blunt, without sugarcoating), being part of committees, managing complex emergencies, upgrading to a bigger 10-bedded department, achieving NABH Emergency certification, NABH accreditation, JCI accreditation, NABH Stroke certification, fostering strong friendships with fellow consultants, enjoying parties, on-stage singing and guitar performances, winning sports events, increasing revenue—the list goes on, but all feels as fresh as if it happened yesterday.

I believe I’ve been successful so far in my constant quest to save and touch many lives. I sleep in peace every night, satisfied that I’ve put everything I learned over 15 years into my department and for my patients. (Sometimes while managing difficult emergencies, I almost feel like Neo from The Matrix—fighting Agent Smith in slow motion after realizing he is The One).

Looking forward to many more years of growing with this organization, treating my patients, learning, setting higher benchmarks—and maybe, just maybe, being a little less obsessed with work… until I resume soon.

Road to Success - Always Under Construction

A young 20 year old male patient was brought to our emergency with complaints of sudden onset chest pain, profuse sweating, hypotension (low BP), Hypoxia (low Oxygen concentration). ECG was suggestive of Sinus Tachycardia (a fast heart rate).

Based on his clinical evaluation, a quick bed side clinical diagnosis of a massive Pulmonary Embolism was made. Though I have only seen only 4 such cases in the last more than a decade of my practice in Emergency, I was 99 % sure that I would not be wrong, and did not write any other provisional / differential diagnosis on his emergency notes.

Knowing that Pulmonary Embolism is a life threatening Emergency where a patient can suddenly go into cardiac arrest and die, we needed to make quick clinical decisions and interventions.

The family was counselled regarding the seriousness and fatality of the illness, if not treated in time. His father and mother both started crying inconsolably; the patient was counselled regarding the possible diagnosis and he too started crying looking at his parents, with that feeling of impending doom of whether he will survive or not.

A quick CT Pulmonary Angiography was done, which confirmed the diagnosis of a Pulmonary Embolism. With our Emergency team which worked with clockwork precision, we were able to give him the definitive treatment in the Emergency itself, within 38 minutes of arrival, and by the time the medication infusion was over in 2 hours, he had stabilised completely - Chest pain gone, BP picked up, Oxygen levels up and he was much more comfortable.

His father stood by the bedside throughout the life-saving medication infusion. At the end of it, with tears in his eyes, the patient said, “Thank you doctor…” which made me emotional.

Hearing this, the father told him, “Ha doctor dev manus aahe, kahitar honar nahi tumhala (This doctor is God present in the form of a human, nothing will happen to you)…” and I was left speechless.

A reason why I wanted to write & document about this case was because it was one of the most well managed cases of my career, and highly satisfying considering the lifesaving interventions done in a timely manner.

The Head of the radiology department and the cardiologist (under whom the patient was admitted) were all praise for the quick diagnosis and treatment in the emergency, moments which make you feel good to be a part of a Team where we celebrate each other’s success. Also, it reminded me that I still get the same adrenaline rush and kick by saving someone’s life in emergency, like I used to since 2006 when I was a 2nd year medical student and first exposed to the EMS at Sion Hospital.

Over the last few weeks, we’ve had some really interesting and exciting cases wheeled in to our Emergency Department, and as a Head / Team leader, I really feel proud of the phenomenal work that my team is able to accomplish, and we’re growing together.

Patient changes medical history, medical student sends legal notice.

Some patients may even fake or exaggerate their symptoms.

Mumbai: In an incident which has sent shock waves across the medical fraternity, a final year MBBS students has sent a legal notice to a patient and demanded monetary compensation for mental and emotional distress, after the patient had changed his medical history in front of the professor.

It is a well known fact that every doctor in his educative year always goes through this scenario where he takes a detailed history taking for the case presentation during clinics ‘in the patient’s language’, but the patient gives a completely different history when the professor starts the case presentation, making the medical student a butt of all jokes in front of his fellow batch mates.

In an exclusive interview with us, the Dean of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital Dr. K’abhi Mat’bann™ said, "Gone are the days when we used to teach our students - Listen to the patient, he's telling you the diagnosis. Now days, that can backfire on you into a legal suit. Patients offer explanations for their symptoms that are bizarre or illogical, and often start their medical history with what they had eaten a week back. Some patient's description of their main problem is so creative or vague that it's unintentionally funny, like a patient saying that she has been swallowing the laxative suppository since 3 days but it is not relieving her constipation, or that a husband giving history that his wife doesn’t have chills or rigors but she was hot in bed last night. When you ask patients if they have any past medical history or co-morbidities, they'll refuse. But when you ask them if they're taking any medicines, they'll show at least 10 strips of different medicines. Even when a situation is funny, it's difficult to hold back the laughter and remain professional.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the patient’s husband has also decided to legally pursue the matter, and after obtaining a copy of the patient files has pointed out many glaring mistakes in the budding doctor’s notes including the one which stated – ‘The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.’

Emergency Medicine – My Love, my passion & everything in between my Vows.

They say, “You have to be crazy to be a goalkeeper”. I say, “You have to be crazier to be an Emergency Physician!”

My interest in Emergency Medicine started very early, in the 2nd year of MBBS itself to be precise. The EMS & the Trauma centre at Sion hospital, Mumbai where it all started is among the best in the country, dealing with the entire spectrum of medical and surgical emergencies.

I still distinctly remember and smile, thinking about the time spent as a medical student / intern putting hundreds of IV lines, collecting blood samples, inserting Ryle’s tubes, Foley’s catheters, collecting ABGs, taking ECGs, accompanying trauma patients to CT scans, counseling patients, etc. Whenever I was free after daily lectures or while taking a break from the library, I would hang around in the EMS. I would look forward to the ‘Emerg-Double Emerg-and Triple Emerg’ where the unit in which you were posted had the call day for the weekend and the following weekday/s and you would end up continuously working 56-60 hours at a stretch in the EMS.

No matter how busy it got, the Doctors, nurses, the mamas and maushis, security continued to do their best – day after day.

Over time, I realized that being a government hospital, with the limited resources and the financial capability of most patients presenting there in the EMS, they were not being offered the best modality of treatment, nor was the treatment protocol based– Eg. There was no PAMI for an acute STEMI or thrombolysis for an Acute Stroke, no management of trauma patients as per ATLS protocol, procedural sedation, drug assisted intubation, etc.

At the same time, there was lack of communication skills, compassion, empathy & sympathy towards patients and their relatives by the resident doctors.

There were many instances during treatment by my peers which shook me and had a huge subconscious impact – seeing amputation of the hand being done under local anaesthesia with the patient howling in pain, pneumothorax while doing blind central lines, breaking multiple teeth while intubation, intubating awake patients with just a shot of Midazolam, patients requiring emergency surgery spending hours for an OT slot, etc to just name a few.

I had kind of made my mind then and there - the people deserve good Emergency care, which does not include only the medical aspect, but of the overall patient experience, satisfaction and quality in terms of ethical and affordable treatment, protocol based, supported by the latest equipment and cutting edge technology. I had vowed to practice ethically, not being money oriented, for the best interest of the people and provide them with the highest level of care. Not even once did I ever think of working abroad where it is possible to earn 4-5 times more money than in India, just because people here too deserve good emergency care.

Over the last 15 years, I have worked exclusively in the Emergency Departments of the top hospitals in the country, commissioned 4 Emergency Departments so far (seen them evolve over time into Centres of Excellence, and 2 of them receiving the coveted NABH Emergency certification), being actively involved in the teaching and training of young doctors, nurses and healthcare professionals. And the journey has been satisfying. More so because I have seen myself grow and learn, everyday.

Even to this day, I remain excited and enthusiastic about going to work. I look forward to the patients I would be seeing in my department. A well managed resuscitation, a smooth intubation, emergency procedures, STEMI, strokes, and everything in the Emergency – THE DRAMA, THE TRAGEDY, THE WORK PRESSURE, THE STRESS & THE URGENCY still excites me like it used to 19 years ago and keeps me going.

If ever I feel low, there are 2 feedbacks that reverberate in my ears. One was by my security guard who after seeing the many post CPR ROSCs said, “Sir, aap toh murda ko bhi zinda kar dete ho” and the other by another hospital staff, “Sir, God forbid, kabhi mujhe ya mere kisi family wale ko kuch ho gaya, I wish you are present on duty in the emergency”.

My current focus is on developing Emergency Medicine as a specialization, providing world class-quality care to my patients and to train healthcare professionals of tomorrow – of integrity, passion, honesty and discipline.

I now have confidence in my Emergency department, our current protocols and policies, the excellent team of Consultants and staff at our hospital, that in a life and death situation, if we can’t save a life, nobody else can!

PCA staff spot diagnoses patient, wins employee of the month.

Mumbai : In an incident which has become a beacon of hope for many of the patient care assistants (PCA) working in hospitals, an emergency department PCA at the famous Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital was awarded the employee of the month after spot diagnosing a patient with Status Dramaticus.

It is a well known fact that apart from the emergency ‘bread and butter’ cases like chest pains, abdominal pains, fevers, injuries, etc, most Indian hospital emergencies also cater to a large population of young women working in corporate companies who regularly visit emergencies to sort out their domestic personal problems and relationship issues.

In an exclusive interview, the now famous PCA Sachin Helpkar said, ”I quickly ran with a stretcher when a ‘bus’ full of office employees with a young unconscious female sitting on the front seat stopped at our emergency ramp. As soon as I saw that she was continuously blinking her closed eyes and had tears in her eyes, I knew it was a clear case of Status Dramaticus. Similar to how 100s of people stop their vehicles on a busy road to help a ‘Papa ki pari or didi’ on a stalled scooty, 10s of office employees regularly swarm our emergency to check on such female colleague as if it’s their official field trip. Usually the symptoms subside when the worried boyfriend or the husband comes running and apologizes, otherwise 99% of such patients always respond to stuffed gauze full of ether or spirit on their nose – the other 1% being actual Status Epilepticus.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the PCA Helpkar has been invited to contribute a chapter on Status Dramaticus in the upcoming 22nd edition of the Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine.

Food from OT tiffins goes missing, surgeons under the scanner.

Mumbai : In an incident which has sent shockwaves in hospitals across the country, the mystery of missing food from tiffins kept outside the Operation Theatres (OT) has deepened further with OT staff now accusing surgeons of randomly picking tiffins and emptying them.

It is a well known fact that unlike in the West where most surgeons prefer to take a heavy breakfast before beginning long surgeries, in order to maximize their daily number of cases (and the money), apart from the patients being NBM (Nil by mouth) for 6-8 hours, most Indian surgeons also show up NBM to the OTs.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Kutting Dey, the Head of GI surgeries at the Quackdoses hospital said, “The five rules for survival in the surgical world are - eat when you can, eat whatever you can, sleep when you can, drain pus and don't mess with the pancreas. This is part of our basic training from residency, and pretty much like how our non surgical friends are groomed to borrow pens from the nurses and never give them back. During surgeries, it is frustrating to see the anesthesiologist sipping coffee and chilling, while we are trying our best to avoid the vital structures while dissecting, it's bleeding now and then, and there's fluctuation in blood pressure – a prolonged stress which increases our cortisol levels, increases appetite and cravings. OT staff who are complaining should understand that the benefit of a successful surgical procedure outweighs the risk of assisting a starving surgeon. On the bright side, we tend not to be choosy if there is any tiffin kept on the common area table.”

An official statement issued by the Hungry Surgeon’s Association of India, has rubbished the statement by Dr. Dey calling them his personal views, and 'like for everything', has blamed the anaesthsiologists for the missing OT food.

Patient undergoes Robotic Circumcision, refuses to pay surgeon.

MUMBAI: In an incident which has sent shock waves in the surgical community, a patient admitted at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital refused to pay the surgeon’s fee after undergoing a robotic circumcision.

Robotic surgeries, although facing stiff resistance from the insurance companies, is now slowly becoming the preferred choice for most surgical procedures. With the advent of the fast-growing AI based technologies and robotics, surgeons are already scared that they might soon become an extinct species in the coming decade.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, patient Dis’Kount Dey said, “The surgeon had offered me 3 methods of circumcision – by open method, laparoscopically or by minimal access through the testicles, and by robotic surgery. He counselled me that robotic surgery offered the fastest recovery, hence at the insistence of my wife, I opted for it. During the surgery, I was shit scared that the robot might cut off more than what I had consented for. To my dismay, I was shocked when I realized that ‘Robodoc’ ⟨™⟩ did my complete surgery, while the surgeon was busy playing some video game on his hi-tech gaming console. What should I pay the surgeon for, for playing on his joystick while ‘Robodoc’ dangerously played with mine? ”

Furthermore, rubbing salt on the surgeon’s wound, the patient gave 5 star rating on Google reviews to ‘Robodoc’ instead, with a special mention about the elderly assistant nurse who let him see the excised foreskin after surgery and politely asking him, “Sir-come-see-son.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after knowing that the patient only paid for the consumables, OT charges and for the anesthesiologist’s coffee, the disgruntled surgeon has refused to do the patient’s follow up dressings.

OPD footfalls decline, Doctors announce Chintan Shivir.

Mumbai : Taking cue from the ‘expected & predicted’ Chintan Shivir of the Congress party after their poll debacle in the upcoming Delhi Elections next month, the Quackdoctors Association of India (QAI) have announced a three-day brainstorming Chintan Shivir in Mumbai of their own.

The shadow of dwindling OPD footfalls in-spite of the end of the vacation time / New Year fever, and ‘healthy months’ lasting more than they should, has made the medical fraternity worried. Around 400 quacks are expected to attend the Chintan Shivir.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, president of the QAI said, “Medical profession is no longer a white collar job. Charted Accountants have GST work all round the year apart from ITR filings, lawyers are busy with litigations perennially, but doctors are now out of work most months of the year, except the monsoons. Also, the government’s strict action on the pharmaceutical company which took 30 doctors to Paris and Monaco for improving their ‘knowledge’ recently, and subsequent action on those doctors for professional misconduct needs to be contemplated upon. The association will introspect in the next three days how to embark on a new direction by confronting various challenges to pave the way for our bright future, and of the future generation of Quacks. If needed, like the visionary leader Rahul Gandhi (pun intended), we will also undertake a nationwide ‘Kashmir to Kanyakumari Patient Jodo’ yatra to revive the connection with our trusting consumers.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that similar to the standard ‘Please correlate clinically’ written on radiology reports, as a solution to the low footfall problems, QAI has communicated to all its members via various Whatsapp groups to write ‘Please Visit Again’ on their prescriptions and prominently display it in their clinics too.

What's your biggest achievement ?

“Sir, I stayed back just because of you.”

“Sir, you took care of everyone like a cocoon.”

“Sir, whenever you’re there on duty with me, I know nothing will go wrong, no matter how serious the patient may be.”

These were some of the words from my residents during an impromptu get together of my department last week, which was also a farewell treat for 2 of my residents who had worked in our A&E for more than 1-2 years.

As sad and emotional I am (which I don’t express) to see them leave for personal (marriage) / professional growth, there is a sense of pride that wherever they go, I’m sure they will excel with the knowledge, training and experience they’ve gained with us.

I will soon be completing 3.5 years with my current organization, and I was left wondering what the biggest achievement for me would be here, and in the other organizations where I’ve set up the A&E departments from a relatively clean slate – was it the protocols, the paperwork, the SOPs, the policies, the increase in revenue, improvement in quality of care, the awards, the trophies, etc?

But nothing seems to come close to the satisfaction & sense of TOUCHING LIVES, being successful in CREATING AN ENVIRONMENT, A CULTURE IN THE DEPARTMENT which is friendly, positive, educative, calm; an environment where your juniors feel valued, supported, feel safe, their mental health, their physical health, their family time, leaves are taken care of; with a clear vision that they learn, train, grow, up-skill themselves for their future and move forward in their journey with pride and gratitude towards their mentor, and know that they can always fall back on for guidance. This is surely the biggest achievement for a Head / Guide !!

‘Wannabe Celeb’ with sub-acute intestinal obstruction (SAIO) passes flatus, posts achievement on LinkedIn.

 

Mumbai: In unexpected development which has hyper stimulated peristalsis of general surgeons and gastroenterologists around the world, a LinkedIn post from a patient having successfully passed flatus has gone viral on social media.

In a short post uploaded on LinkedIn with a photograph of the patient on his bed and a hashtag YOLO below (You Only Live Once), the patient claimed that he was ‘thrilled, honored, privileged, excited, proud and happy’ to have been able to butt-burp after spending 2 days in the hospital, under the care of renowned surgeon Dr. Fartkar. The post was reportedly written from the bed at the notorious Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital.

“Ever since I came to the hospital, everyone – right from the emergency doctor, to the surgeon and his assistants, the radiologist and the nurses have been constantly asking the same question – niche se hawa nikli kya? The surgeon even poked me in my rectum when I replied in the negative. LinkedIn is the perfect platform to be self congratulatory, shit-post vast amounts of trivial nonsense daily and give advice no one asked for, hence I too decided to post about this major achievement which means a lot to my treating team,” said the patient (identity withheld), adding that while a loud fake sound was used to let the nurse know, the anal air pressure he felt was real.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that when the hospital confronted the patient for breach in their ‘no photography’ policy and informed that his final bill will be hiked as penalty, the patient innocently claimed that he did it for fun and did not know his post would go viral on social media. The patient’s mobile phone and laptop have been seized by the hospital, and investigation is on to ascertain whether Dr. Fartkar had masterminded the post for personal marketing.

Get admitted, Discounts based on your Google Review Stars, says Hospital.

This hospital has a Google Review discount system.

Mumbai : In an unusual way to draw in more patients, a hospital in the city is offering discounted billing to patients based on their Google review stars.

It is a well known fact that as patients are growing increasingly savvy about ‘doctor shopping’, they’re openly asking for discounts that apply to anything from OPD visits and radiology services to surgeries and dental procedures. Especially after the pandemic, even hospitals are trying to appeal to their ‘customers’ using several special discounts models: get 52 parameters, pay for only 1 laboratory package; spend Rs. 5 lakhs and get 5 % discount on your next admission; buy a main course from the hospital canteen and get 1 tablet of Metformin for free, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Rate Kamkar, the chairman of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital said, “One word that can bring a huge smile to anyone’s face is ‘discounts’. Isn’t that so true? I mean, who on this earth does not like discounts, and nothing like discounts on Hospital bills? In our endeavor to make our organization the highest rated - No. 1 hospital in the world, even above Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins Hospital & Cleveland clinic, we came up with this revolutionary marketing strategy. Patients have to give online reviews at the time of processing admission, so that they are back home safely (wicked smile), and their relatives have to give reviews at the time of discharge, for discounts. The higher your Google rating, the higher the % discount. Our motto is simple - We treat your illness and scars, get discounts based on your stars!”.

A huge majority of Netizens simply loved the idea of this hospital and called it a superb innovation which will be a game changer in health care globally. Many applauded the hospital for such an amazing idea. In the hope of getting maximum discounts, many of the patients from their hospital beds have also shared screenshots of their reviews on Instagram, Facebook and Linkedin. 

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that to maintain their 5 star rating, although the hospital is offering a little extra discount to those giving long written feedback, the hospital management has also secretly instructed the billing team to overcharge those patients giving negative online reviews at the time of discharge.

Hospitals facing scarcity of doctors, Project 'Save the RMO' launched.

Mumbai: Amid the growing demand for MBBS RMOs in the country, a recent census has set alarm bells ringing when it indicated that their population has been steadily and significantly declining over the years.

As more and more RMOs ‘fall prey’ to post graduation, super-specialization and work opportunities abroad, this wake-up call has prompted the Indian Healthcare industry to launch one of the world's most ambitious conservation projects – ‘Save the RMO’, on similar lines as the successful 'Save the Tiger' project.

A panel set up by the government has recommended that as part of the ‘Save the RMO’ project, to lure and fool MBBS graduates, they will be given a minimum monthly ‘CTC’ of Rs. 1 lakh, along with permission to come late 5 days a week, no biometric punch-ins for attendance, free wi-fi, unlimited food, 5 star accommodation, etc – much like the election manifestos and freebies offered by most political parties before elections.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann™, CEO of the Quack Multispeciality Hospital said, “With most MBBS graduates going into hibernation to prepare for the NEET PG exams immediately after their internship or working for only 4-6 months in an organization before taking their marriage or PG study break, it is getting extremely difficult for HR departments to find qualified RMOs to work in Emergency departments, ICUs and Wards. With almost every corporate hospital now suffering from scarcity of MBBS RMOs, and the number of RMOs decreasing day by day, we need to take preventive measures to ‘save their endangered species from getting extinct’. Our long term plan of this ‘Save the RMO’ project will be one of the finest examples in the annals of conservation globally. It will not be matched anywhere in the magnitude, scale and effort.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the initiative has been welcomed by the freshly passed MBBS graduates, who have demanded that they will join as RMOs, only if the minimum basic pay is at par with the Internal Medicine Consultants.

है कोई जवाब?

कया आप जानते हैं की कितना मुश्किल होता है हमारे लिए किसी की मौत देखना, खासकर एक डॉक्टर की।

फिर भी ईस विषय पर सोसाइटी में शर्मसार करने वाला एक सन्नाटा है, जिसके लिए मैंने कुछ चंद पंक्तियाँ लिखीं है।

 
**********

कहां छिप गए वो मुफ्त कंसल्टेशन माँगने वाले,
कहां छिप गए वो व्हाट्सएप पे 25 पन्नों की लैब रिपोर्ट भेजने वाले,
कहाँ छिप गए वो मुफ़्त मेडिकल सर्टिफिकेट माँगने वाले,
और कहां छिप गए वो खुद को दोस्त बताने वाले

कहाँ हैं वो थाली बजाने वाले,
कहाँ हैं वो कैंडल जलानें वाले,
कहाँ हैं वो हॉस्पिटल पे फूल बरसाने वाले,
और कहाँ हैं वो डॉक्टरों को भगवान बतलाने वाले।।

कहाँ मर गए वो नारे लगाने वाले,
कहाँ मर गये ट्विटेर पे वो झूठे आसुं बहाने वाले,
कहाँ मर गए वो अवार्ड्स लौटाने वाले, 
और कहाँ मर गए वो टीवी के न्यूज़ चैनलों पे चिल्लाने वाले।। 

क्या डॉक्टर आज बन गए हैं इतने लाचार,
की नहीं मच रहा उनकी मौत पे कोई हाहाकार,
क्यों नहीं हो रहा सोशल मीडिया पर इसका भी प्रचार,
और क्यों नहीं लगाता अब कोई सरकार से गुहार ।।

अभी भी नहीं जागे तुम, तो देश एक दिन रोयेगा,
एक एक करके जब वो अपने, काबिल डॉक्टरों को खोयेगा,
अगर मरते रहे युहीं सबकी जान बचाने वाले,
तोह कैसे कोई इंसान यहाँ सुकूँ की नींद सोयेगा,
तोह कैसे कोई इंसान यहाँ सुकूँ की नींद सोयेगा ।।

Save the Saviour !!

Yes we are nerds…we are geeks…we are those hard working, selfless doctors who have sacrificed a lot and gone through hell to be one. For as long as I remember, we are those who have burnt the midnight oil all through childhood, teenage years and early adulthood…been hardworking toppers, disciplined, brilliant winners throughout.

Right from getting into medical college after cracking the entrance exams (in 1,2 or 3 attempts), we give our best so that we can live up to the dreams and hopes in our parents’ eyes. Slogging hard, going through innumerable exams, vivas and more exams, we have no social life at all except restaurants and theatres near the medical college. We miss out on our family lives, cousin’s marriages, family functions, new year celebrations, festivals like Diwali, Navratri because we are always busy studying for the mid-term, ward exams, prelims or the university exams.

Unlike engineering and commerce courses requiring 2 months of studies just before half yearly and final exams, for us time literally comes to a standstill for approximately 6-7 years studying 365 days a year during M.B.B.S to become a doctor. The medical college becomes our home, our playground and fellow students our family. Even after completion of M.B.B.S, we stand nowhere in the current scenario. The days of a General Practitioner are over.. Then we start preparing for a second rat race and we go back to what we are best at…Sitting and studying for post-graduation….having the most boring, frustrating, and sedentary life one can imagine. By the time we get our graduation degrees, most of our contemporary friends are already done with their Masters. And then there is the ‘Rural MOship’ where you are supposed to serve 1 more year in some village or tribal area just because we chose to be a ‘ Life saving Doctor’ or pay an impossible amount of money to the Government.

Sitting and studying for 1-2 years preparing for post-graduation, not necessarily getting into the branch of your choice and compromising in life, and then living life like a dog for 3 years during post-graduation is so saddening. And then we start our lives when our school and college friends are well settled living their lives happily after marriage with their children. And when we do come out of the long dormant period, all we realise is the true meaning of life…it is not in money, fame…but in small little things of everyday life, being with family…. Yes, we doctors do get rich eventually but at the age when we cannot enjoy their own money, because the time we should have been ‘alive’, we were stuck in our books.

Looking at the shocking news of a 31 year old resident doctor who was raped and brutally murdered in the seminar hall of her medical college – principal being appointed to another medical college within hours of resignation – goons attacking protesting resident doctors and vandalising the medical college - silence of most politicians and so called 'celebrities' on the issue rocks me to the core. What kind of a savage society are we really living in?

Though I’m a very passionate emergency physician with complete dedication to my work and my patients, with the way things are (and only getting worse), I’m inclined to wonder if it is really worth the grind? Should hard working youngsters be discouraged to even look at medicine as a career option in India… for people who think being a doctor is cool, noble, respectable and would want to be one…. think again, the typical Indian mentality, the politics, the laws in this country will never change…it is not worth risking YOUR OWN LIFE.

Student leaves medicine to become a car mechanic, earns more than top surgeons.

Mumbai : In a jaw dropping career shift which has made other doctors regret their career option, success story of a student who dropped out of medical college to become a car mechanic has gone viral on social media.

With only 6 percent of doctors being happy with their jobs according to one survey, it is a well known fact that doctors have now become like everyone else: insecure, discontent and scared about the future, wanting to give up their medical profession & move to a physically & mentally safer environment. In fact, physicians are so bummed out that 9 out of 10 doctors would discourage anyone from entering the profession.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the visionary millionaire mechanic said, “Over the last few years of monsoon, we have seen that corrupt municipal corporations of most metro cities only claim to be rain-ready, but it is a common site to see flooded roads, severe water logging, cars submerged or floating in water like fishes, and extensive traffic snarls making the surroundings look like an aquatic landscape. Unlike in medicine where a sick patient first consults their neighbors, relatives, Google, and domestic help before actually consulting a doctor, people directly come to us to fix their cars, without ever asking for free repairs or discounts on consultations. In 3 months of peak monsoon season every year, I earn what the top surgeons would earn in the entire year, and my car waiting list is longer than their daily OT list. Thinking about residency days, I wondered - What is the point of walking out of your home at 7 am and returning home at 10 pm, just to fall into bed and then waking up again at 5 in the morning to restart the cycle. Unlike most doctors today, I did not want to lose touch with my loved ones and become a zombie, lost between the politics within the hospital and a total lack of social life– hence I took the flooded path less travelled, to open a car garage instead of a nursing home.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that taking inspiration from Dr. Matbann’s entrepreneurship vision, and looking at the success stories of MBA Chaiwala, B. Tech Chaiwala, Audi Chaiwala, B.Tech Panipuriwala and others, more medical aspirants want to now leave medicine and become MBBS (Miya Biwi Bachchon Samet) Carwala.

Kejriwal campaigning for election in spite of DKA, PG resident allotted thesis on him by guide.

Mumbai: In unexpected developments which have sent shock waves in the medical community, a Post graduate (PG) resident was given a thesis topic on the Delhi CM by his guide.

It is well known fact that endocrinologists across the world have been intrigued by the research done by the AAP leader’s lawyers on Diabetes Mellitus (DM), to verify if they have discovered a newer disease in itself or a newer variant of DM which is ‘aggressive, volatile and randomly undergoes a wide range of swings in blood glucose including episodes of hypo and hyperglycaemia’ based on the political situation in the country. Endocrinologists are also curious to find out if the symptoms were caused due to Modi-Shah, BJP, ED and CBI or related to pancreas and insulin.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, the guide Dr. K’abhi Matbann™ said, “High ketone levels in urine are suggestive of Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA), and such patients world over are immediately admitted to ICU and started on Insulin Infusion with large amount of IV fluids. We want to investigate how Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal is still campaigning for election and attending rallies since his bail, without any signs of Kussmaul’s respiration. Also, it needs to be studied why politicians suffer from high blood pressure, high sugar, cardiac problems in jail, and suddenly become normal once they are out”.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the multi-speciality hospital where the CM claimed to have consulted his physician now plans to file a defamation case, and have clarified that their TAT (Turn around time) for whole body PET-CT and Holter monitoring was within 48 hours, and not 5-7 days as claimed in the bail extension application.

The Gift of Life

A 30 year old male, with an alleged history of poisoning, was brought by his brother and father to my emergency department. For the 1st time in my life, I read someone’s suicide note (which fell out of his pocket during resuscitation). Trust me, the experience of reading someone’s last words, and his helpless elderly father holding my feet in a public area of the hospital to somehow miraculously save his young son, was mentally traumatic.

Over the past 14 years of being an emergency physician, I have seen a 11 year old boy hang himself when asked to study by his father, a 22 year old female slash her wrist after a break up, 13 year old girl drink 'Harpic' when stopped by parents to use Facebook, 17 year old with cocaine intoxication, etc, just to mention a few, among the many suicidal cases which I have seen so far, and will continue to see in years to come.

I write this because I get deeply disturbed by such instances of people, including children act GOD. They have no right to take away the happiness of their loved ones. Why has life suddenly become so cheap? Why is it that people foolishly & impulsively decide to end their lives? Why be so selfish? It is the worst thing in life for a parent to give a ‘kandha to the arthi’ of their own child. Where do people get that kind of heart and strength from? In most cases, it is just 1 moment of stupidity or a fit of rage.

A few facts straight from my psychiatry book - A person commits suicide every 6 minutes in India - Method: Poisoning > hanging > throwing oneself in front of a train - Incidence: Males > females - Age group 18-30 years.

Though some might argue that it takes courage to take away your own life, in my eyes such people were cowards who leave their family mourning and struggling, looking at the lifeless bodies and an irreparable future. It is disappointing to see the current generation of kids and young adults growing up with social Media, computer games, movies, relationships, sex, drugs, etc spoiling the naïve mentality and innocent childhood of most of them.

Before people do stupid things that can threaten life, I wish they could come to a hospital, and visit the Emergency Department or the ICU to see what DEATH can be like. You can see the fear of death in many patients’ eyes. They know it is coming; it is just a matter of when. While some prefer to cry with the relatives, some look out of the window in hope of a new world, and others prefer to stare at God’s image and chant prayers written next to it, and so on. I understand that man is mortal, we all have the same destination, but for those who don’t value their existence, is life so painful that death is like a garnish on the celebration?

Yes, one fine day our world will collapse, the present will become past, people will move on and all that will remain will be memories. We all will grow old, get weak, become dependent on others; it is a natural progression from being a carefree child, to an independent adult, to an old person requiring support again, before the party is over. It is my sincere request to everyone reading this. PLEASE VALUE WHO YOU ARE AND APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE. VALUE THIS GIFT CALLED LIFE AND MAKE THE MOST OF IT. IF YOU EXPECT MORE FROM LIFE, WORK HARD. There are no shortcuts to success.

The solution in many cases is ‘communication’. Mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. Neither is talking about it. If this article can make even a single person think again before taking that drastic step, my intention to write this will be rewarded.

Dip in patients availing OPD services worries doctors, want husbands to intervene.

Mumbai - Amid the ongoing exam-vacation season, the healthcare sector across the country has been hit hard with a low footfall of patients coming for Out-patient department (OPD) facilities and planned admissions. This has left most general physicians (GP) worried and scratching their semi-bald heads.

Data published by a private organization has found that, ever since the exams began in March this year, there has been an 80% decline in patients rushing to clinics and nursing homes for routine OPD services and emergencies.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the President of the GP Association of India said, “OPD footfall has stagnated, so have elective procedures. Patients are avoiding clinic visits as much as possible. Though people may say that these are 'healthy months', they actually are 'unhealthy months' for the doctors. Only husbands can now help the healthcare industry bounce back, by not allowing their wives and kids to go to their in-laws for months together in the after-exam summer vacation. A wife and 2 kids – 3 members out of a regular family of 4 being away is a big blow to our fixed client base.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the 'visionary' idea by doctors has been out rightly condemned by most husbands, on grounds that they actually look forward to those 6-8 weeks of annual peace and weekend parties with friends while their wives and kids are away, and they only have to send a daily ‘miss you’ morning message.

Taking cue from airline and hotel industry, doctors set to introduce dynamic pricing for OPD consultation.

Mumbai: In a bold decision which might disrupt healthcare industry globally, the Quack Doctors Association of India (QDAI) announced today that, similar to the dynamic pricing of airline tickets, hotel bookings and cab aggregator platforms, the OPD consultation charges of doctors will also be made dynamic soon.

Starting 1st April’ 2024, OPD consultation charges will be an outcome of a multitude of factors, such as the number of questions of patients based on their Google search, the % mortality of their Google diagnosis, the number of pages of reports with irrelevant graphs brought to OPD at the time of consultation, the total number of doubts of patients clarified like questions about Eosinophil report marked in bold on the CBC when most doctors don’t even know the interpretation beyond Hb-WBC-Platelets, the total number of bills found in the patient file before finding the relevant medical record, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann, the current president of QDAI said, “Dynamic Pricing is the inevitable future of traditional retail, and our association’s decision to charge OPD consultation as per dynamic pricing is a welcome move. Apart from better time management per patient, it will help doctors increase their patient OPD footfalls by offering discounted costs. The strategy will also benefit patients, as doctors will be able to offer affordable charges. For example, our decision to implement Rs. 100 per page of laboratory or radiology report is a nominal fee, and patients will think twice before bringing pages full of irrelevant reports including hormone levels, when only CBC-Creatinine-Electrolytes were prescribed”.

Speculations have emerged that the OPD consultation charges are set to surge significantly after the decision is implemented, and might lead to patients going back to consulting neighbors, relatives and street magicians for home remedies.

Doctorzoned !!

Disclaimer : Jaise prescription pe likhte hai, ki this is a suggested brand only, and it is not binding on the patient to buy the same brand, waise hi mera disclaimer hai ki this poem is written in a light mood, so please don’t take it seriously.

Aap sabne FRIENDZONED toh suna hi hoga…. jab ek ladka ek ladki ko patane k liye uski bahut help karta hai, par end mein uska MOYE MOYE ho jata hai – C kat jata hai…. Aur friendzoned ka spot diagnosis hai ki jab wahi ladki aapke sath bike par baithti hai, aur dono k beech mein apna bag rak k ek diwar bana leti hai… then you know you’ve been friendzoned.

Waise hi, meri kavita ka shirshak hai ‘DOCTORZONED’ – aur yeh baat kuch saal pehle k real events se inspired hai, jab main 30 ka tha aur mere bhi adipose tissue wali jagah pe protein se bhari toned muscles hua karti thi…

XXX

Ek din ek 25 varshiye hassena meri OPD mein ayi,
Phir detail mein usne apni chief complaint aur 100 % mortality wali Google ki diagnosis batai,
Kaha maine, ki ghabrao mat, meri dawi leke tum ho jaogi theek,
Follow up with all reports and prior appointment after 1 week…

“Doctor, can I pleaseeeeee get your number? puch usne mujhe Ketamine k dissociative anaesthesia jaise apne maya jaal mein fasaya
Promise, I will only call you in emergency sunke mera dil phislaya, aur maine usse number batlaya,
Phir kya… agle kuch mahine tak Whatsapp pe free consultation aur uske rishtedaaron ki reports share karne ka silsila chalta raha,
Uske Good morning, Good night, forward messages se mera bhi core temperature aur heartrate badta raha…

Kuch 3 mahine baad uski daadi ICU mein admit hui pneumonia k sath,
Socha ki ilaaj aur clinical counseling k baad keh dunga usse apne dil ki baat,
Same counseling ka action replay karwane k liye phir usne baat karai apne baap se,
Number dial karke boli, Doctor Uncle baat karenge aap se...

Doctor Uncle sunke mere pairon tale zameen khisak gayi,
aur gyat ho gaya k Krish picture k Rohit Mehra ki tarah meri medical shaktiyon ka bhi galat istemaal kiya gaya hai,
Ussi din kasam khayi aur aj tak maine apna personal number kisi mariz ko nai diya hai…
Ussi din kasam khayi aur aj tak maine apna personal number kisi mariz ko nai diya hai…