Patient changes medical history, medical student sends legal notice.

Some patients may even fake or exaggerate their symptoms.

Mumbai: In an incident which has sent shock waves across the medical fraternity, a final year MBBS students has sent a legal notice to a patient and demanded monetary compensation for mental and emotional distress, after the patient had changed his medical history in front of the professor.

It is a well known fact that every doctor in his educative year always goes through this scenario where he takes a detailed history taking for the case presentation during clinics ‘in the patient’s language’, but the patient gives a completely different history when the professor starts the case presentation, making the medical student a butt of all jokes in front of his fellow batch mates.

In an exclusive interview with us, the Dean of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital Dr. K’abhi Mat’bann™ said, "Gone are the days when we used to teach our students - Listen to the patient, he's telling you the diagnosis. Now days, that can backfire on you into a legal suit. Patients offer explanations for their symptoms that are bizarre or illogical, and often start their medical history with what they had eaten a week back. Some patient's description of their main problem is so creative or vague that it's unintentionally funny, like a patient saying that she has been swallowing the laxative suppository since 3 days but it is not relieving her constipation, or that a husband giving history that his wife doesn’t have chills or rigors but she was hot in bed last night. When you ask patients if they have any past medical history or co-morbidities, they'll refuse. But when you ask them if they're taking any medicines, they'll show at least 10 strips of different medicines. Even when a situation is funny, it's difficult to hold back the laughter and remain professional.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the patient’s husband has also decided to legally pursue the matter, and after obtaining a copy of the patient files has pointed out many glaring mistakes in the budding doctor’s notes including the one which stated – ‘The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.’

PCA staff spot diagnoses patient, wins employee of the month.

Mumbai : In an incident which has become a beacon of hope for many of the patient care assistants (PCA) working in hospitals, an emergency department PCA at the famous Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital was awarded the employee of the month after spot diagnosing a patient with Status Dramaticus.

It is a well known fact that apart from the emergency ‘bread and butter’ cases like chest pains, abdominal pains, fevers, injuries, etc, most Indian hospital emergencies also cater to a large population of young women working in corporate companies who regularly visit emergencies to sort out their domestic personal problems and relationship issues.

In an exclusive interview, the now famous PCA Sachin Helpkar said, ”I quickly ran with a stretcher when a ‘bus’ full of office employees with a young unconscious female sitting on the front seat stopped at our emergency ramp. As soon as I saw that she was continuously blinking her closed eyes and had tears in her eyes, I knew it was a clear case of Status Dramaticus. Similar to how 100s of people stop their vehicles on a busy road to help a ‘Papa ki pari or didi’ on a stalled scooty, 10s of office employees regularly swarm our emergency to check on such female colleague as if it’s their official field trip. Usually the symptoms subside when the worried boyfriend or the husband comes running and apologizes, otherwise 99% of such patients always respond to stuffed gauze full of ether or spirit on their nose – the other 1% being actual Status Epilepticus.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the PCA Helpkar has been invited to contribute a chapter on Status Dramaticus in the upcoming 22nd edition of the Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine.

Food from OT tiffins goes missing, surgeons under the scanner.

Mumbai : In an incident which has sent shockwaves in hospitals across the country, the mystery of missing food from tiffins kept outside the Operation Theatres (OT) has deepened further with OT staff now accusing surgeons of randomly picking tiffins and emptying them.

It is a well known fact that unlike in the West where most surgeons prefer to take a heavy breakfast before beginning long surgeries, in order to maximize their daily number of cases (and the money), apart from the patients being NBM (Nil by mouth) for 6-8 hours, most Indian surgeons also show up NBM to the OTs.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Kutting Dey, the Head of GI surgeries at the Quackdoses hospital said, “The five rules for survival in the surgical world are - eat when you can, eat whatever you can, sleep when you can, drain pus and don't mess with the pancreas. This is part of our basic training from residency, and pretty much like how our non surgical friends are groomed to borrow pens from the nurses and never give them back. During surgeries, it is frustrating to see the anesthesiologist sipping coffee and chilling, while we are trying our best to avoid the vital structures while dissecting, it's bleeding now and then, and there's fluctuation in blood pressure – a prolonged stress which increases our cortisol levels, increases appetite and cravings. OT staff who are complaining should understand that the benefit of a successful surgical procedure outweighs the risk of assisting a starving surgeon. On the bright side, we tend not to be choosy if there is any tiffin kept on the common area table.”

An official statement issued by the Hungry Surgeon’s Association of India, has rubbished the statement by Dr. Dey calling them his personal views, and 'like for everything', has blamed the anaesthsiologists for the missing OT food.

Patient undergoes Robotic Circumcision, refuses to pay surgeon.

MUMBAI: In an incident which has sent shock waves in the surgical community, a patient admitted at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital refused to pay the surgeon’s fee after undergoing a robotic circumcision.

Robotic surgeries, although facing stiff resistance from the insurance companies, is now slowly becoming the preferred choice for most surgical procedures. With the advent of the fast-growing AI based technologies and robotics, surgeons are already scared that they might soon become an extinct species in the coming decade.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, patient Dis’Kount Dey said, “The surgeon had offered me 3 methods of circumcision – by open method, laparoscopically or by minimal access through the testicles, and by robotic surgery. He counselled me that robotic surgery offered the fastest recovery, hence at the insistence of my wife, I opted for it. During the surgery, I was shit scared that the robot might cut off more than what I had consented for. To my dismay, I was shocked when I realized that ‘Robodoc’ ⟨™⟩ did my complete surgery, while the surgeon was busy playing some video game on his hi-tech gaming console. What should I pay the surgeon for, for playing on his joystick while ‘Robodoc’ dangerously played with mine? ”

Furthermore, rubbing salt on the surgeon’s wound, the patient gave 5 star rating on Google reviews to ‘Robodoc’ instead, with a special mention about the elderly assistant nurse who let him see the excised foreskin after surgery and politely asking him, “Sir-come-see-son.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after knowing that the patient only paid for the consumables, OT charges and for the anesthesiologist’s coffee, the disgruntled surgeon has refused to do the patient’s follow up dressings.

OPD footfalls decline, Doctors announce Chintan Shivir.

Mumbai : Taking cue from the ‘expected & predicted’ Chintan Shivir of the Congress party after their poll debacle in the upcoming Delhi Elections next month, the Quackdoctors Association of India (QAI) have announced a three-day brainstorming Chintan Shivir in Mumbai of their own.

The shadow of dwindling OPD footfalls in-spite of the end of the vacation time / New Year fever, and ‘healthy months’ lasting more than they should, has made the medical fraternity worried. Around 400 quacks are expected to attend the Chintan Shivir.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, president of the QAI said, “Medical profession is no longer a white collar job. Charted Accountants have GST work all round the year apart from ITR filings, lawyers are busy with litigations perennially, but doctors are now out of work most months of the year, except the monsoons. Also, the government’s strict action on the pharmaceutical company which took 30 doctors to Paris and Monaco for improving their ‘knowledge’ recently, and subsequent action on those doctors for professional misconduct needs to be contemplated upon. The association will introspect in the next three days how to embark on a new direction by confronting various challenges to pave the way for our bright future, and of the future generation of Quacks. If needed, like the visionary leader Rahul Gandhi (pun intended), we will also undertake a nationwide ‘Kashmir to Kanyakumari Patient Jodo’ yatra to revive the connection with our trusting consumers.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that similar to the standard ‘Please correlate clinically’ written on radiology reports, as a solution to the low footfall problems, QAI has communicated to all its members via various Whatsapp groups to write ‘Please Visit Again’ on their prescriptions and prominently display it in their clinics too.

‘Wannabe Celeb’ with sub-acute intestinal obstruction (SAIO) passes flatus, posts achievement on LinkedIn.

 

Mumbai: In unexpected development which has hyper stimulated peristalsis of general surgeons and gastroenterologists around the world, a LinkedIn post from a patient having successfully passed flatus has gone viral on social media.

In a short post uploaded on LinkedIn with a photograph of the patient on his bed and a hashtag YOLO below (You Only Live Once), the patient claimed that he was ‘thrilled, honored, privileged, excited, proud and happy’ to have been able to butt-burp after spending 2 days in the hospital, under the care of renowned surgeon Dr. Fartkar. The post was reportedly written from the bed at the notorious Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital.

“Ever since I came to the hospital, everyone – right from the emergency doctor, to the surgeon and his assistants, the radiologist and the nurses have been constantly asking the same question – niche se hawa nikli kya? The surgeon even poked me in my rectum when I replied in the negative. LinkedIn is the perfect platform to be self congratulatory, shit-post vast amounts of trivial nonsense daily and give advice no one asked for, hence I too decided to post about this major achievement which means a lot to my treating team,” said the patient (identity withheld), adding that while a loud fake sound was used to let the nurse know, the anal air pressure he felt was real.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that when the hospital confronted the patient for breach in their ‘no photography’ policy and informed that his final bill will be hiked as penalty, the patient innocently claimed that he did it for fun and did not know his post would go viral on social media. The patient’s mobile phone and laptop have been seized by the hospital, and investigation is on to ascertain whether Dr. Fartkar had masterminded the post for personal marketing.

Get admitted, Discounts based on your Google Review Stars, says Hospital.

This hospital has a Google Review discount system.

Mumbai : In an unusual way to draw in more patients, a hospital in the city is offering discounted billing to patients based on their Google review stars.

It is a well known fact that as patients are growing increasingly savvy about ‘doctor shopping’, they’re openly asking for discounts that apply to anything from OPD visits and radiology services to surgeries and dental procedures. Especially after the pandemic, even hospitals are trying to appeal to their ‘customers’ using several special discounts models: get 52 parameters, pay for only 1 laboratory package; spend Rs. 5 lakhs and get 5 % discount on your next admission; buy a main course from the hospital canteen and get 1 tablet of Metformin for free, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Rate Kamkar, the chairman of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital said, “One word that can bring a huge smile to anyone’s face is ‘discounts’. Isn’t that so true? I mean, who on this earth does not like discounts, and nothing like discounts on Hospital bills? In our endeavor to make our organization the highest rated - No. 1 hospital in the world, even above Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins Hospital & Cleveland clinic, we came up with this revolutionary marketing strategy. Patients have to give online reviews at the time of processing admission, so that they are back home safely (wicked smile), and their relatives have to give reviews at the time of discharge, for discounts. The higher your Google rating, the higher the % discount. Our motto is simple - We treat your illness and scars, get discounts based on your stars!”.

A huge majority of Netizens simply loved the idea of this hospital and called it a superb innovation which will be a game changer in health care globally. Many applauded the hospital for such an amazing idea. In the hope of getting maximum discounts, many of the patients from their hospital beds have also shared screenshots of their reviews on Instagram, Facebook and Linkedin. 

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that to maintain their 5 star rating, although the hospital is offering a little extra discount to those giving long written feedback, the hospital management has also secretly instructed the billing team to overcharge those patients giving negative online reviews at the time of discharge.

Hospitals facing scarcity of doctors, Project 'Save the RMO' launched.

Mumbai: Amid the growing demand for MBBS RMOs in the country, a recent census has set alarm bells ringing when it indicated that their population has been steadily and significantly declining over the years.

As more and more RMOs ‘fall prey’ to post graduation, super-specialization and work opportunities abroad, this wake-up call has prompted the Indian Healthcare industry to launch one of the world's most ambitious conservation projects – ‘Save the RMO’, on similar lines as the successful 'Save the Tiger' project.

A panel set up by the government has recommended that as part of the ‘Save the RMO’ project, to lure and fool MBBS graduates, they will be given a minimum monthly ‘CTC’ of Rs. 1 lakh, along with permission to come late 5 days a week, no biometric punch-ins for attendance, free wi-fi, unlimited food, 5 star accommodation, etc – much like the election manifestos and freebies offered by most political parties before elections.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann™, CEO of the Quack Multispeciality Hospital said, “With most MBBS graduates going into hibernation to prepare for the NEET PG exams immediately after their internship or working for only 4-6 months in an organization before taking their marriage or PG study break, it is getting extremely difficult for HR departments to find qualified RMOs to work in Emergency departments, ICUs and Wards. With almost every corporate hospital now suffering from scarcity of MBBS RMOs, and the number of RMOs decreasing day by day, we need to take preventive measures to ‘save their endangered species from getting extinct’. Our long term plan of this ‘Save the RMO’ project will be one of the finest examples in the annals of conservation globally. It will not be matched anywhere in the magnitude, scale and effort.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the initiative has been welcomed by the freshly passed MBBS graduates, who have demanded that they will join as RMOs, only if the minimum basic pay is at par with the Internal Medicine Consultants.

Student leaves medicine to become a car mechanic, earns more than top surgeons.

Mumbai : In a jaw dropping career shift which has made other doctors regret their career option, success story of a student who dropped out of medical college to become a car mechanic has gone viral on social media.

With only 6 percent of doctors being happy with their jobs according to one survey, it is a well known fact that doctors have now become like everyone else: insecure, discontent and scared about the future, wanting to give up their medical profession & move to a physically & mentally safer environment. In fact, physicians are so bummed out that 9 out of 10 doctors would discourage anyone from entering the profession.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the visionary millionaire mechanic said, “Over the last few years of monsoon, we have seen that corrupt municipal corporations of most metro cities only claim to be rain-ready, but it is a common site to see flooded roads, severe water logging, cars submerged or floating in water like fishes, and extensive traffic snarls making the surroundings look like an aquatic landscape. Unlike in medicine where a sick patient first consults their neighbors, relatives, Google, and domestic help before actually consulting a doctor, people directly come to us to fix their cars, without ever asking for free repairs or discounts on consultations. In 3 months of peak monsoon season every year, I earn what the top surgeons would earn in the entire year, and my car waiting list is longer than their daily OT list. Thinking about residency days, I wondered - What is the point of walking out of your home at 7 am and returning home at 10 pm, just to fall into bed and then waking up again at 5 in the morning to restart the cycle. Unlike most doctors today, I did not want to lose touch with my loved ones and become a zombie, lost between the politics within the hospital and a total lack of social life– hence I took the flooded path less travelled, to open a car garage instead of a nursing home.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that taking inspiration from Dr. Matbann’s entrepreneurship vision, and looking at the success stories of MBA Chaiwala, B. Tech Chaiwala, Audi Chaiwala, B.Tech Panipuriwala and others, more medical aspirants want to now leave medicine and become MBBS (Miya Biwi Bachchon Samet) Carwala.

Kejriwal campaigning for election in spite of DKA, PG resident allotted thesis on him by guide.

Mumbai: In unexpected developments which have sent shock waves in the medical community, a Post graduate (PG) resident was given a thesis topic on the Delhi CM by his guide.

It is well known fact that endocrinologists across the world have been intrigued by the research done by the AAP leader’s lawyers on Diabetes Mellitus (DM), to verify if they have discovered a newer disease in itself or a newer variant of DM which is ‘aggressive, volatile and randomly undergoes a wide range of swings in blood glucose including episodes of hypo and hyperglycaemia’ based on the political situation in the country. Endocrinologists are also curious to find out if the symptoms were caused due to Modi-Shah, BJP, ED and CBI or related to pancreas and insulin.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, the guide Dr. K’abhi Matbann™ said, “High ketone levels in urine are suggestive of Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA), and such patients world over are immediately admitted to ICU and started on Insulin Infusion with large amount of IV fluids. We want to investigate how Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal is still campaigning for election and attending rallies since his bail, without any signs of Kussmaul’s respiration. Also, it needs to be studied why politicians suffer from high blood pressure, high sugar, cardiac problems in jail, and suddenly become normal once they are out”.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the multi-speciality hospital where the CM claimed to have consulted his physician now plans to file a defamation case, and have clarified that their TAT (Turn around time) for whole body PET-CT and Holter monitoring was within 48 hours, and not 5-7 days as claimed in the bail extension application.

Dip in patients availing OPD services worries doctors, want husbands to intervene.

Mumbai - Amid the ongoing exam-vacation season, the healthcare sector across the country has been hit hard with a low footfall of patients coming for Out-patient department (OPD) facilities and planned admissions. This has left most general physicians (GP) worried and scratching their semi-bald heads.

Data published by a private organization has found that, ever since the exams began in March this year, there has been an 80% decline in patients rushing to clinics and nursing homes for routine OPD services and emergencies.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the President of the GP Association of India said, “OPD footfall has stagnated, so have elective procedures. Patients are avoiding clinic visits as much as possible. Though people may say that these are 'healthy months', they actually are 'unhealthy months' for the doctors. Only husbands can now help the healthcare industry bounce back, by not allowing their wives and kids to go to their in-laws for months together in the after-exam summer vacation. A wife and 2 kids – 3 members out of a regular family of 4 being away is a big blow to our fixed client base.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the 'visionary' idea by doctors has been out rightly condemned by most husbands, on grounds that they actually look forward to those 6-8 weeks of annual peace and weekend parties with friends while their wives and kids are away, and they only have to send a daily ‘miss you’ morning message.

Taking cue from airline and hotel industry, doctors set to introduce dynamic pricing for OPD consultation.

Mumbai: In a bold decision which might disrupt healthcare industry globally, the Quack Doctors Association of India (QDAI) announced today that, similar to the dynamic pricing of airline tickets, hotel bookings and cab aggregator platforms, the OPD consultation charges of doctors will also be made dynamic soon.

Starting 1st April’ 2024, OPD consultation charges will be an outcome of a multitude of factors, such as the number of questions of patients based on their Google search, the % mortality of their Google diagnosis, the number of pages of reports with irrelevant graphs brought to OPD at the time of consultation, the total number of doubts of patients clarified like questions about Eosinophil report marked in bold on the CBC when most doctors don’t even know the interpretation beyond Hb-WBC-Platelets, the total number of bills found in the patient file before finding the relevant medical record, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann, the current president of QDAI said, “Dynamic Pricing is the inevitable future of traditional retail, and our association’s decision to charge OPD consultation as per dynamic pricing is a welcome move. Apart from better time management per patient, it will help doctors increase their patient OPD footfalls by offering discounted costs. The strategy will also benefit patients, as doctors will be able to offer affordable charges. For example, our decision to implement Rs. 100 per page of laboratory or radiology report is a nominal fee, and patients will think twice before bringing pages full of irrelevant reports including hormone levels, when only CBC-Creatinine-Electrolytes were prescribed”.

Speculations have emerged that the OPD consultation charges are set to surge significantly after the decision is implemented, and might lead to patients going back to consulting neighbors, relatives and street magicians for home remedies.

Patient diagnosed with depression, blames Bajaj Finance.

Mumbai: In an incident which has perplexed even the learned psychiatrists in the country, a young patient diagnosed with depression has shockingly blamed and sued Bajaj Finance for it.

The 30 year old male Mr. Loande has sued Bajaj Finance for discrimination, on the grounds that he had not received even a single phone call from the company ever!

It is a well known medical fact that being the target of discrimination can stir up a lot of strong emotions including anger, sadness, and embarrassment; and people often get stuck on episodes of discrimination, because they’re not sure how to handle those experiences which can lead to depression.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Mr. Loande said, “All my friends get multiple phone calls every morning from Bajaj Finance, HDFC Bank (k behalf pe), Just Dial, etc, for pre approved loans or free credit cards, but they have never called me so far. My friends often boast of how they now relieve their stress every morning not by doing Kapalbhati with Baba Ramdev, but by giving mother-sister swear words learnt from Virat Kohli to those Bajaj Finance marketing executives. Because of them, I have to now pay a psychiatrist for his expensive and critical analysis about myself, which my wife anyways gives me for free, daily.”

Unconfirmed sources have now claimed that Bajaj Finance has now ordered an internal enquiry to investigate how Mr. Loande’s number was missed out, and have instructed their executives to strictly ensure he gets a call for loan, before he pulls his pants down to use the washroom every morning.

Doctor caught red handed, was watching CME slide photos.

Mumbai: In an incident which has sent shock waves among the medical fraternity, a city based doctor, known for clicking photos of almost every slide in all CMEs he ever attended, was caught red handed reading them at home.

It is a well established fact that, these days, most delegates often click photographs of the important slides shown during a CME, but never refer to them ever again. Also, every medical CME in India has at least one such character (ectopic) who while sitting in the front rows, ‘irritatingly’ clicks photos of every single slide shown during a talk, making others nervous if they missed something important.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Photuwala's wife said, “My husband is well known in the medical circle, to be the only person awake during all post lunch sessions of the CMEs. Many CME organizers specially invite him so that at least 2 people will stay awake during the full talk, the speaker, and him. His phone has more photos of other people’s PPT than mine or our kids, including the ‘Any Questions’ and ‘Thank You’ slides. I was in utter disbelief when I saw him actually going through the slides of the last CME he attended, something which had never happened in the past.”

Unconfirmed reports have claimed that Dr. Puchle, famously known as the attention seeking ‘Question Bank Doctor’ has also announced his retirement from asking dumb questions during CMEs, and will no longer be attending any future talks due to his ill health.

Citing rising unemployment, General Surgeons pitch to rebrand their specialization.

Mumbai : The General Surgeon’s Association of India (GSAOI), in its standing committee meeting today, approved the rechristening of their branch of specialization. Surgeons performing ‘non organ specific’ surgeries will now be called ‘Lumps & Bums Surgeons’ instead of ‘General Surgeons’.

Over the years, with more patients now seeking surgical treatment from super-specialists, there has been a drastic drop in ‘cutting’ practice of general surgeons. Euphoria over the name change had already caught up with them last month, when their association had sought suggestions from its members.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, a sobbing general surgeon (who did not wish to be named) said, “Plastic Surgeons have staked claim to the breasts, Orthopedic Surgeons have captured all bones with limbs, Neurosurgeons the brain, CVTS surgeons the Heart & lungs, Uro surgeons the kidney – ureter - urinary bladder, Gynaecologists the uterus – ovaries with the fallopian tubes, and Gastrointestinal surgeons have taken over of what’s left in the abdominal cavity. What have our fellow surgery colleagues left for us to operate on? How will we survive in this cut throat world when even a local GP calls himself a ‘Physician and Surgeon’?”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the plastic surgeons plan to oppose the renaming on the grounds that since they already do body contouring surgery, the 'bums' are already taken. The Oncosurgeons also don't wish to give away the 'Lumps', which has left many general surgeons with bleeding piles.

Speaker pushed off stage by moderator, hospitalized.

Mumbai : In a never before seen incident in the history of medical CMEs, the moderator of a CME pushed the speaker off the dais, surprisingly drawing cheer and celebration among the audience. It has now emerged that the moderator was upset that the speaker (identity withheld) did not stop presenting his PPT even after the warning bells.

It is a well known fact that many doctor speakers tend to keep ignoring the time frames, ignoring the signals, and keep talking well past the “safe-zone” (added extra time) of their presentation time, making the event organizers uncomfortable.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, the brave moderator Dr. Pushkar Dey said, “Already the audience looked bored and disengaged listening to him read paragraphs of texts – word to word from his slides. Even after my multiple warning bells, he kept on saying “last few slides, since we’re out of time, I will just take 2 minutes more, etc”. Most speakers take the hint and stop talking when a moderator visibly stands up and moves towards the stage. In spite of me directly going up and standing next to him, it did not deter him from talking. Amid growing audience impatience, I then had no option but to push him off the stage. A speaker who trespasses on the time of following speakers is far more impolite than I was. On the bright side, though sarcastically, but I did thank him on mic after the push, and also informed the audience that perhaps our speaker would be willing to answer additional questions offline during our break. But he was not”.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the speaker had to subsequently be admitted to a local hospital for his injuries, which were sustained not due to the fall, but after forgetting his wife’s birthday which happened to be on the same day.

CME invitation goes viral, Knowledge thirsty doctors register in hordes.

Mumbai : In a revolutionary idea which might usher in a new era of medical CME invitation, the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital (QMH) sent out a symposium registration flyer stating ‘Applied for Cocktail Approval’, sending doctors into a frenzy on social media, Twitter and all medical Whatsapp groups in the country.

It is a well known fact that most CME invitations in Maharashtra now have ‘Applied for MMC (May-be Medical Council) points’ mentioned on them, as bait and in the hope that more doctors will pay and register for the conference. Also, it has been observed that, with or without credit points, CMEs where registration-invitation flyers mention ‘Dinner followed by cocktails’ always draw huge crowd and are a hit among the knowledge thirsty doctors.

In an exclusive interview with our Samwadata, the organizing secretary at QMH Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann™ said, “For our symposium titled ‘Alcohol is the medicine to life, and joining medicine is injurious to health’, we were yet to get formal approval for hospital sponsored cocktails from the management. Though it was a minor human error, where instead of ‘Applied for MMC points’, the typist mentioned ‘Applied for Cocktail approval’, our registrations are now full even before the last closing date. It truly reflects the enthusiasm among the doctors to interact with our distinguished speakers and panelists.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that maximum registrations were from NEET PG aspirants, in the hope of getting unlimited ‘neat’ fluid boluses.

Doctor uses ‘Corporate Hospital Lingo’ with wife, strategy backfires.

Mumbai: In an incident which has sent shock waves in the medical community, a doctor regretted his decision to use ‘corporate hospital lingo’ with his wife, when she asked him to take her out for shopping.

It is a well-known fact that in most corporate hospitals, for any demand by doctors to the management for any new equipment or a new process, justification has to be given if the demand is ‘desirable or essential’. Also, an explanation has to be given for any faults in the current equipment or ongoing process. On most occasions, the management comes out on top and is then able to smartly push the requirement for the next financial year, and the vicious cycle continues.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Pati Parmeshwar said, “For the past few months, every time the salary got credited in my account, my wife would ‘unrealistically’ demand that I take her out on a shopping spree or a movie, hand over my credit card to her, buy her a new I-phone, etc. Initially I could pacify her with my boss’s standard strategy on me by telling her that there were budgetary constraints, or we could plan expenses in the next quarter, etc. Things really got out of hand the day I innocently asked her to justify if her demands were ‘desirable or essential’, and explain if there was anything wrong with the clothes in her wardrobe or her current phone."

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that Dr. Parmeshwar has been sleeping on the floor of his bedroom and ordering his food online for the past 3 days.

Medical Student picks biscuit from plate, examiner left stunned.

Mumbai: In an incident which has captured the imagination of medical students across the country, an anatomy external examiner was left stunned when a 1st year MBBS student during the viva exam picked a biscuit from his plate, instead of a bone.

Medical viva exams have a long history of being surrounded in controversy every year, with male students often accusing male external examiners of being partial towards females. The most famous & controversial viva incident was with a 1st year female student recently who was shown a uterus specimen and asked to identify it. When she was unable to do so, the male examiner gave her a hint that neither he, not her boyfriend had it. In spite of answering ‘brain’, she still surprisingly managed to top the university exam, for which she credited the prayers she performed the night before the exam.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Kabhi Matbann ⟨™⟩, who is now being hailed as a future surgeon said, “On the 1st viva table, the examiner asked me to identify someone’s balls hanging from a forceps. When I answered that it was a ‘male testicle’, he annoyingly shouted back asking if I had ever seen ‘female testicle’. It made me so nervous and scared that I became Anand bhai of Munnabhai MBBS for the rest of the viva. On the 2nd exam table, when the external examiner asked me to ‘pick anything’, how was I supposed to guess that he meant a bone. Surprisingly, he did not ask me anything after I picked the Parle-G biscuit from his plate. Unfortunately, I had nothing to tell to my batch mates when I emerged from the exam room and they surrounded me to ask ‘Kya Pucha, Kya Pucha’.”

Taking cue from this incident and avoid a similar embarrassment, the Pathology Examiner’s Association has summoned its members to not offer students to ‘pick anything’ from the table during the viva exams, but instead personally hand over the formalin filled organ specimen jar to describe.

Patient’s relatives address female intern as ‘shister’, doctor goes berserk.

Mumbai: In a never before incident in the history of medicine, a patient had to face the wrath of a female medical intern’s anger after her relatives continuously addressed her as ‘shister’. In retaliation, the irate intern refused to catheterize the patient and to deliver the blood samples to the laboratory, for the patient who was posed for an emergency C-Section.

The unfortunate incident happened in the obstetric ward at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital. It was only when the panicked houseman and registrar assured the intern that they will pay the arrears for all the tea-breakfast she had bought for the unit during her internship posting, did the young doctor calm down and agreed to not put her phone on flight mode the next day.

In an exclusive interview with us, the intern Dr. K’abhi Matbann (™) said, “I have lost count of how many times I was referred to as the ‘Khoon nikalne wali doctor’ by patient’s relatives while I was posted in medicine ward. The tone in which the relative said, “Ae shister, injection khatam ho gaya hai”, activated the fight-fright-flight mechanism of my sympathetic system, since it felt similar to stingingly being called ‘Auntie’ by people who are older than me. Why are the male co-interns wearing aprons not called by patients as mamas or technicians? Till when can we be immune to this inequality?”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after getting inspired by the courage of Dr. Matbann, the Obg-Gyn society of India has now launched a social media campaign to spread awareness for people to address them as Obstetricians or Gynecologists, and not ‘lady doctors’.