All we have is Now...

The ‘Wuhan - Chinese Virus’ pandemic is unprecedented, with its impact which has been extraordinary across the globe, including India. The danger posed by this disease is real, imminent, and something that the world has never dealt with before.

All across the world, the front line warriors against this deadly disease have been the healthcare workers (HCWs) – doctors & nurses who have been ‘selflessly’ working in this combat.

But what makes the global situation different in India is the way doctors and nurses are being treated, by the government and by the common man of the country.

Isn’t it perplexing that it did not even take hours for the ‘shameless’ general Indian population to shift gear from ‘clap mode’ to ‘slap mode’.

The news of HCWs being accused of ‘negligence’ when an elderly patient dies of the virus, being beaten on declaring death of a COVID 19 patient, being stone pelted and ‘chased out’ of resident locality while going for screening camps or to quarantine patients, to be thrown out of their rented accommodation & hostels due to the fear of being carriers, not being provided with even decent meals while actively attending to COVID positive patients, getting defamed to be the actual source of contagion for many patients in a facility, etc should really put the country to shame.

And to top it off, very less has actually been seen of the government’s ‘hollow’ actions for the front line warriors which are only on paper and in news conferences, not at the grass root level.

Is it wrong for doctors and nurses to demand PPE kits? And how does the government respond – using threats - to terminate employment contracts, or by cancelling registrations to practice medicine, or by not giving graduation degrees to interns after completion of their MBBS, and of using their last resort ‘brahmastra’ - the Essential Services Maintenance Act (ESMA) by which HCWs can be imprisoned for up to a year in case they refuse to work; and by false reassurance on national television that we are well prepared?

And to add more insult, they come up with regularly updated ‘loosened’ guidelines to reuse and sterilize the N95 masks, thereby increasing risks to the HCWs – not because the government wants you to be safe, but to make sure the we continue to work !

The official COVID 19 positive patient numbers (which have been decently low are increasing at snail’s pace) is because of the less testing available, the 40-50 % false negatives of the currently available kits, maximum cases being those with mild symptoms who are asymptomatic carriers and not being tested at all, less virulent strain of the virus in India, etc – while we HCWs are aware that the actual numbers might be 25-30 times the official numbers.

Is there any transparent explanation of the way the money donated to the government is being spent? With unspent money in millions already lying in the PM National Relief Fund, thousands of crores is received from ‘civilians’ in a separate fund and the ‘PM Cares’!

Nevertheless, I will only pray that this pandemic ends soon and normalcy is restored – because Corona or No Corona, the common Indian man’s attitude towards the medical fraternity will never change, unless the government takes stringent measures.

I would like to end this article by a poem dedicated to all healthcare workers – Head Held High.

When time tests you in its war,
People taunt you for who you are,
Things fall apart, you don't know why,
Never look down, hold your head high.

When success evades you, failures you see,
Learn to move on, let it be,
Aim higher next time, for the limitless sky,
Never look down, hold your head high.

Every strong man is tested, before his greatness,
Accept the truth, keep the heart hate less,
We will be victorious, it sure ain't a lie,
So never look down, and hold your head high.

Webinars are painful waste of Time: Study.

Webinar Specialist Doctor evaluating Chest X-Ray of a COVID 19 patient.

Mumbai: In a jaw dropping study which has put a question mark on the integrity of the medical fraternity, it has been revealed that most doctors conducting webinars and giving interviews on news channels about Coronavirus are those who have never treated a viral infection in their entire career and have zero understanding about Epidemiology.

While infectious disease specialists are busy working on the front lines, doctors having degrees and expertise in Dermatology, Cardiovascular Surgery, Neurosurgery, Endocrinology, etc have suddenly become experts on COVID 19 and have been lecturing others on live Webinars and from television studios. The study also highlighted the fact that 70 % of the attendees of the webinars are implanted pawns of the organizers who are not only forced to attend, but are also given pre decided questions to ‘stupidly’ ask during the webinar to make it interactive.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, a plastic surgeon who has so far conducted more than 50 webinars said, “Jo dikhta hai, who bikta hai…. After reading all the forwarded guidelines and policies from Whatsapp University, it is not so difficult to impart knowledge on such platforms, which is mostly on use of PPEs only - not available in the country anyways. We are actually not concerned about solving queries, but are simply more concerned about the number of people present during the live webinars”.

Unconfirmed reports claimed that 2 webinar experts Dr. Munna & Dr. Circuit were secretly overheard saying, “Arre tere ko aur mere ko Corona kya hai, ghanta malum hai?”, to which the other one replied, “Bhai, webinar dekhne walon ko bhi ghanta malum hai”.

मेरा पैगाम, देश के नाम।

एक बीमारी बड़ रही आगे,
नाम सुनते सभी दूर भागे,
COVID -19 है वो कहलाती,
नहीं देखती वो धर्म और जाती।

आओ मिलकर हाथ बड़ाओ,
देश को अपने सक्षम बनाओ,
साथ बड़ाओ अपने कदम,
संग सभी तो जीतेंगे हम।

भारत देश हमारा प्यारा,
कोरोना के प्रकोंप का है मारा,
ज़ोर देकर सोचो सभी,
‘सोशल डिस्टन्सिंग’ करनी होगी अभी।

कोरोना ने देश को भी बनाया है अपना घर,
खासने, छिंकने और छूने से फैला मगर,
आज हज़ारों देश वासी है इसका शिकार,
लॉकडॉन रखने से ही है इसका उपचार।

अन्न है हम सभी को खाना,
गंदे हाथों से बीमारी को क्यों साथ ले जाना,
संक्रमण की दरें कम होंगे तभी,
जब हाथ धोके खायेंगे सभी।

बच्चों - बड़ों को भी यही समझाना,
सरकार के निर्देशनों को ज़रूर निभाना,
बनेंगे भारत के भविष्य तभी,
जब मास्क पहन कर बचेंगे अभी।

डॉक्टर- नर्स- पुलिस- सफाई कर्मी साथ हैं,
बस कुछ समय की और बात है,
कोरोना का प्रकोंप होगा कम्,
प्रगति की राह पर होंगे हम।

सेहत का पैग़ाम फैलाना है हम सभी का धर्म,
इस जंग में साथ देके तुम करो अच्छे कर्म,
ये पाठ याद रख इंसान, बने तो इंसान बन फिर चाहे,
डॉक्टर को मत बना भगवान,
डॉक्टर को मत बना भगवान !

Unethical to not give alcohol prescriptions, say AYUSH doctors body.

Bengaluru - A day after the Indian Medicos Association criticized the Kerala government's move to provide alcohol on a doctor's prescription, AYUSH practitioners have come forward to offer their services and have demanded that this rule should come into effect throughout the country.

The controversial decision had been taken by the state government after suicide reports of those who couldn't deal with withdrawal symptoms due to the unavailability of alcohol during the 21-day countrywide lockdown starting March 25.

Ever since the COVID 19 pandemic has hit the country, doctors practicing the alternate systems of Indian medicine, who were till now claiming to be equivalent to MBBS, have been sitting idle at home. Even PM Modi in his recent interaction with the AYUSH Ministry only praised them in promoting #YogaAtHome to de-stress the mind and in spreading awareness about social distancing, rest of the news reports looked liked answers to PSM long answer questions of just beating around the bush to fill exam supplements.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, president of the AYUSH Placebo Association, Dr. Hakim said, “We disagree with the Indian Medicos Association’s argument that Alcohol is not a medicine, and that it would be unethical for any doctors to prescribe it. The government has every reason to push liquor sale, not least for its significant revenue implications, but because we have been prescribing both Dava & Daru to patients since ages. We would be happy if World Health Organization (WHO), or at least the Medicos Council of India (MCI), makes the alcohol on doctor’s prescription only rule mandatory permanently.”

The AYUSH Placebo Association has announced that they will sit at home wearing black badges on Tuesday to protest, if the government does not agree to their demand.

उपकार का प्रचार।

गरीब के जीने मरने की चिंता,
भला आजकल कौन करता है,
ऐसे अचानक लॉकडॉन की घोषणा से,
सबसे पहले गरीब ही तो मरता है।

ऐसी परेशानी के पलों में,
मृत्यु की चिंता किसे होती है,
हमारी सरकार से अपील तो बस,
पेट भरने के लिए २ वक़्त की रोटी है।

कुछ लोग इलाके में आये थे कल,
देख शायद हमारी दुविधा को,
जब कैमरा दिखे, तब एहसास हुआ,
वो आये थे अपनी सुविधा को।

आये फिर वो अस्थायी झोपड़े में हमारे,
थैलियों में लेकर बिस्कुट, रोटी और दाल,
एक आस उठी मन में,
शायद ये पूछएंगे हम गरीबों का हाल।

शर्मनाक मंज़र चलता रहा,
दुख से मैंने आँख मीच ली,
मजबूत थी उनकी पकड़- छूटी न थैली,
जब तक १० फोटो उन्होंने न खीच ली।

Decided to pen down these few lines to address the way many self sufficient people showcase their contribution towards the poor & needy just for posting on social media these days.

The Prayer That Counts...

This is an appeal to every reader of this article – to take out 1 minute of your time to thank your doctor and to pray for those innumerable selfless souls who have taken over as the ‘messiah’ to screen and to treat patients suffering from this global pandemic with repercussions of unthinkable proportions, that has hit upon us all.

When countries have gone into lock down, hospitals are struggling to cope with the sudden surge in patient volume, global economy hitting rock bottom, thousands of people dying every day, and a thousand others becoming infected; when most offices and companies have shut shop and have asked their employees to work from home, there are countless other healthcare workers who are nothing less than soldiers now, risking their very own life to save someone else’s.

A virus has done what nothing could do – unite countries to fight together, put behind their differences and cooperate; have taught people that when temples & mosques have closed their doors, hospitals have opened them to help people; and that the fear of death is the same to all people, the man made Gods do not favor anyone.

I would be lying if I would say that we as doctors, nurses, healthcare workers, hospital management, etc are not scared of the prevailing condition, that we are not concerned for our own or our family’s safety, for whom we can become asymptomatic carriers of this dreadful disease, elderly grandparents, parents, young children who can become prone to the infection.

It might not be your immediate family member at risk- who may be a doctor, a nurse, a security or the housekeeping staff of a hospital, or non clinical staff members who help the hospital function daily, but remember that there those who are standing at the frontline, who do not have the option of working from home or go into lockdown are also someone’s father, mother, brother sister, son, daughter, etc and your one heartfelt prayer for everyone’s safety might count somewhere.

The entire healthcare community has come together and all efforts are being made by the fraternity, collaboration with the government to tide over this crisis.

I write this because since the last many weeks, ever since Corona virus has hit the country, a day has not passed that my parents have not told me every morning , “Beta tu apna dhyan rakhna…”, and there are countless betas and betis who would be hearing the same from their family – who need your support, blessings and prayers.

The Great Indian Healthcare Jugaad.

Scenario – A 35 year old male gets admitted from Emergency with acute cholecystitis for a planned cholecystectomy. 3 days after the surgery, patient dies of post-operative complications, an uncommon but a possible event in hospitals all across the world.

Anything abnormal? So here is the catch. Patient got admitted under the disguise of the name of his elder brother, a central government employee. He had already been counseled by his family physician that the patient would require surgery. To save money, patient got admitted using the central government employee insurance scheme of his elder brother to undergo surgery for free. The death certificate of the patient had the name of his elder brother, who lost his central government job after his ‘alleged’ death, and got slapped with a case of cheating & fraud against himself after pleading with his seniors, to save his job and to explain the truth.

The above incident is not uncommon – and is just the tip of the iceberg of how people in India come up with ways to not buy insurance (to avoid paying the yearly premium), but at the same time utilize someone else’s policy to get admitted to top corporate hospitals.

After working for 10 years in corporate, following are my observations about the ultimate Indian Healthcare insurance Jugaad.

1st type - Most patients who come to the emergency department / OPD purposely give only their first name on their registration (saying that they don’t write a surname) and fill the address as the name of the village, stating that they do not have a house number. ID proofs can be manipulated easily at the time of admission or people in rural / semi urban areas deny having any ID card made.

All family members in similar age group and gender then use the same policy for getting admitted in the hospital, similar to how most people in a family use a single paid subscription of Amazon Prime, by giving a disguised identity.

2nd type - Purely for money making purposes – patients give their policies to hospitals and nursing homes, who make fake admission papers and hospital records, similar to how many pharmacists give their B.pharma degrees to chemists to use as a license for dispensing drugs. The money gets credited to the account from the insurance companies and is shared by the hospital & the policy holder.

3rd type – Many patients with insurance get admitted to a hospital, without any clinical indications, just so that the yearly premium does not go waste. They want to get admitted to get a complete body checkup with all possible blood investigations, Sonography, X rays, MRI, etc

4th type – Iatrogenic, You did not say anything, we did not hear anything. In spite of knowing that the patient is a known case of preexisting conditions, on regular medications, the existing diseases are not mentioned in the past history / medication history by the doctor as it will lead to rejection of the mediclaim. The cycle continues for years, the patient / relatives do not declare it in the renewed policy to avoid the higher premium rates – doctors don’t declare it on their case papers – and I see patients up to even 75 years old, on regular medications for years together, but no record of the same in insurance policy.

If investigated, I’m sure that this jugaadu medical insurance ‘racket’ will cost thousands of crores in healthcare fraud in India… and the system will never be cleaned completely, as in most instances, the insurance company agents are themselves a part of it and manipulate documents to get the claim passed, and have a share of their own.

Most Shaheen bagh protesters suffering from NASH, gastroenterologists & liver surgeons cheerful.

New Delhi: In a mouth watering news for the gastroenterologists & liver transplant surgeons, a study concluded at the Quackdoses multispecialty hospital has claimed that most people who have been protesting at Shaheen Bagh area since 15th December are now suffering from end stage Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis (NASH), an inflammation and damage of the liver caused by a buildup of fat.

Experts have claimed that the continuous supply of free and unlimited Chole Bhature, Samosas, wadas and biryani, along with sedentary lifestyle of the protesters over the past 1.5 months is the reason behind the sudden surge of fatty liver disease among the ‘hungry’ protesters.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Aslam Toofani, a prominent Shaheen Bagh protester said, “The Kudrati Khana (Miracle food) from Allah just miraculously and naturally appears in the morning; we just pick it up for distribution. Had we known that the food is not so ‘kudrati’ after all and is rich in cholesterol, we would have prayed for diet food instead. I was here only for the 72 virgin houris, yeh fatty liver kahan se aa gaya? It hurts to see that many cross dressing males who have been posing as females and protesting with us have also developed man-boobs now.”

Unconfirmed reports have claimed that the worst hit Swiggy and Zomato delivery apps have decided to up the ante and have announced that their company will continue to offer ‘free food’ and ‘non political cash backs’ beyond 8th Midnight, after which Allah’s free food coupons are likely to be discontinued, as soon as Delhi's Legislative Assembly elections are over.

Doctors unhappy at not being invited to Modi’s ‘Pariksha pe charcha’, demand apology.

New Delhi: In unexpected developments after PM Modi’s ‘Pariksha Pe Charcha’ recently, the Delhi chapter of the Indian Medicos Association (IMA) expressed their dissent in retaliation to PM’s omission of the medical fraternity, which only gives ‘Pariksha’ for most part of their lives.

Doctors, who consider themselves veterans of ‘Pariksha’ givers, were visibly upset that they were not chosen by Modiji, to ask Modiji, the pre recorded questions chosen by Modiji, to be answered by Modiji, and only school students appearing for board exams were selected for the task. A press release by the association drew attention to the comparison between a child in 1st standard of school and a medical student in 1st year of MBBS – when the child grows up to give his medical entrance exam, the medical student is still giving his PG passing ‘Pariksha’ (food for thought).

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, IMA President Dr. Deepak Kumar (name changed) said, “Medical education has become like Mumbai Metro project, doesn’t seem to come to an end even after years of hard work and regular exams. Because of these continuous ‘Parikshas’, there is hardly any time to even meet my girlfriend. And Modiji lectures to cut down the time spent on phone by 10% to spend time with family. I fail to understand why he separately conducts ‘Chai pe Charcha’ and ‘Pariksha pe Charcha’. Like we doctors, he can easily do ‘Chai pe Pariksha ki Charcha’ and save crores of innocent tax payer’s hard earned money spent on these marketing gimmicks.”

IMA Doctors did however reiterate Modiji’s thoughts to medical students that they must not think that appearing for exams are the end of the world, as there are better things waiting for them in life – like scoring the passing 35 % in the ‘Pariksha’.

Kejriwal releases ‘guarantee card’; promises jobs in USA for Mohalla Clinic Doctors.

New Delhi: Delhi Chief Minister and AAP national convenor Arvind Kejriwal on Sunday guaranteed job placements in John Hopkins, Cleveland Clinic and Mayo clinic for doctors working in the much hyped & scam tainted mohalla Clinics, as he released a "guarantee card" listing 10 promises that AAP will deliver on if it is elected to rule Delhi again.

The 'Kejriwal ka Guarantee Card' was released by the Chief Minister at the Aam Aadmi Party office here and included promises of job placement to the premier hospitals for doctors working at the mohalla Clinics, who gradually become experts in making ‘false entries’ of patients, giving them useless medications to ensure revisits, and ‘good incomes’ for themselves.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Kejriwal said, "Though most of the mohalla Clinics are ailing themselves, have become dysfunctional, are a total waste of public money with locals using the space as garbage dumping site, and are frequented by goons and drug addicts, I am assuring that the international job placement of mohalla Clinic doctors that we announced in this tenure will continue in the next five years. These are big guarantees and will take time to be implemented.”

Kejriwal also signed the card after announcing the guarantees, saying "he will fulfill these promises in the next five years”, a claim downplayed by BJP with the rebuttal that the Kejriwal government had earlier too promised to establish 1,000 mohalla clinics in Delhi, but not even 200 clinics were opened over the last 5 years.

Jubilant about the governments guarantee, the Mohalla Clinic Doctors Association released a statement that it would not be a major cultural shift for them from Delhi to USA, as it will involve only getting used to hearing “KYA Tu janta hai mera baap kon hai?” from “Tu janta hai mera baap kon hai?”

"JNU Students study more than Doctors", claims Deepika.

New Delhi – A day after being slammed on social media for going to Jawaharlal Nehru University (JNU) amidst the ongoing turmoil to promote her new movie Chhapaak, Deepika Padukone has clarified that she only expressed solidarity with the students after realizing that JNU students studied even more than allopathic doctors.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dippy said, “I had gone to my doctor for some ladies problem after which he said I will need a PR. I googled PR and it connected me to a Public Relations agency in Delhi which told me that JNU was ‘the’ place for publicity stunt and making money as producer. It was only after reaching there did I realize that doctors only falsely sulked for having to study 10-12 years, while most JNU students studied in the same university for more than 20 years. Aap chronology samjhiye…”

The Indian Medicos Association (IMA) issued a strongly worded statement condemning her remarks, and questioned whether the JNU students were treated by Quacks or Deepika’s make up artist. Images of university students with dressings over Hijab / jacket, and blood soakage of dressing roll far away from alleged injury site have gone viral over medical groups.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after watching her crocodile tears at the launch of the trailer of Chhapaak, Joaquin Phoenix who won the Best Actor award for Joker at Golden Globes 2020 recently has decided relinquish the trophy to Deepika.

(P.S - For my non medico friends, PR in medical lingo means per rectal examination.)

Honor your patients as teachers...

It was one of those odd nights during my posting in the ICU at Kokilaben Hospital.

I am a hard core emergency physician, without much inclination towards critical care, which is a totally different ball game all together, most of it due to the fact that I’m impatient by personality and my attention span on a single patient will not be beyond 2-3 hours from their arrival.

The registrar on duty had called in sick (another regular ‘bahana’ for not showing up for work) and it was left for me, and my senior Dr. Santosh to manage the 26 bedded critical care unit.

It is a well known fact among the medical fraternity, how hard it hits a resident doctor when he/she comes to know their reliever is coming late, or not coming at all and they are asked to continue working another overtime shift. So I already knew that it would be a difficult night for me, because I had to put down the rounds for all 26 patients, make their treatment sheets, monitor few patients bedside – all the typical ‘symptoms’ of no sleep that night!

Little did I know that one night (in the 1st week) of my 1st critical care posting – which I was grumpy and skeptical about, would leave an ever lasting impact.

Unfortunately (or may be fortunately), there were 2 patients who suddenly deteriorated simultaneously. 1 of them on Bed 2 was an elderly lady who was crashing requiring intubation, urgent HD Catheter, IABP, etc and Dr. Santosh being the team leader and the senior doctor on duty got busy there.

And I was left to manage on my own, a 47 year old female, Mrs. Srivastava (full name withheld) – educated, English speaking, upper society lady, suffering from CKD, who developed sudden onset breathlessness, worsening ABG, requiring URGENT dialysis – and I had never put a dialysis catheter before (though the technique was similar to a central line, which also I had not done unassisted before). The nervousness and the lack of confidence became very obvious on my face and I called Dr. Santosh for help.

“Tu USG machine leke daal, main blind daal lunga mere patient mein, nurses will help you out, I know you will manage”, he said, as he got engrossed trying to save that patient of his.

I came back to Mrs. Srivastava, who even in her restlessness did understand that I was a junior trainee doctor & not so confident with procedures.

“Dr. Mohit, I want you to go ahead with the procedure and insert the dialysis catheter on me. If young doctors like you don’t learn now and step up your game in critical situations, you will never”, she said after slightly pulling out her Non Invasive Ventilation BiPap mask.

Such words from a patient, and a senior doctor was enough to ignite that fire, considering that there was no other option, and I had to rise to the occasion. I washed up immediately – cap – mask- gown – gloves – USG machine – triple lumen HD catheter, and I felt like the Arnold Schwarznegger from the movie Commando, determined to complete the task.

Luckily, there were 2 senior nurses on duty that night– Anuradha and Nidhi who came to my rescue – stood by me – guiding me through the entire procedure, which in the end was done flawlessly, in my 1st attempt, a feat which still will be the best among my many achievements. I also kept talking and reassuring to Mrs. Srivastava during the entire 15 minute procedure – dialysis was started immediately and she settled down well, over the next few hours.

The night which started with a negative mindset, turned into my memorable ones, which I think about often till date.

Mrs. Srivastava and I kept interacting every day, whenever I took rounds, talking about things other than medicine, developing a ‘subconscious’ friendship.

Few days later, she was taken to Lucknow in an air ambulance, as she would require extended intensive care, and she wanted to be close to her family.

I enquired about her with the Nephrologist after 2 weeks, who broke the news that Mrs. Srivastava had expired 2 days back due to a pneumonia, sepsis and DIC – something which still brings tears to my eyes. I wanted her to live, I wanted to meet her again, and wanted to THANK HER for giving me that opportunity to learn one of the most important lessons in life – from a patient – to take the (‘t) out from you can’t do it to, you can do it!

Dr. Santosh, and I are still good friends, considering that we haven’t met in the last 5 years, but are a part of ‘Men will be Men’ whatsapp group of KDAH doctors. My respect for the nursing profession also increased, after all they are the ones who play a major role in the patient’s recovery more than the doctors (Anuradha, Nidhi and Tinu sister, you guyz rocked in ICU 6). Last but not the least, no words can express my sincere gratitude towards all MY patients – for giving me an opportunity to serve them.

Pamela Anderson writes to BCCI, urges to promote veganism in CMEs.

Vegetarian Tandoori Chicken in CMEs soon ?

Mumbai: A day after writing a letter to Prime Minister Narendra Modi urging him to serve only vegan food at all government meetings and functions, Pamela Anderson wrote another letter to the Board for Control of CMEs in India (BCCI) for urging doctors to eat only vegan food at all medical CMEs.

It is a well known fact that doctors at CMEs are extremely fond of tandoori chicken and medical experts have often considered it a symbol of bravery, intelligence and good health. In her letter, Anderson pointed out that the raising of animals for dairy items, meat, and eggs to serve at the CMEs accounted for 2 % of all human-induced greenhouse gas emissions.

Quackdoses interviewed Dr. Arun Swaminathan, the BCCI president and world famous authority on eating, about his views on the news. In between finger licking while eating and lots of loud burps and a few stinky farts, he spoke to our special reporter, who was dressed in bio protective suit for personal safety and fresh air. "Tandoori chicken is a symbol of the skills and identity of the medical profession having benefits at all concentrations - at low concentrations, it makes food tasty; at medium concentration, it makes the belly fat; and at high concentrations, it clears out the gut completely (diarrhea). It is hypocrisy of Pamela, a former playmate, who herself enjoyed the pleasures of the small pieces of meat, but discourages Indian doctors from it in the name of climate change,” said Swaminathan.

It is yet to be known if the BCCI or PM Modi will officially respond to Anderson’s letter. Unconfirmed sources have claimed that BCCI had been considering declaring tandoori chicken the official bird of medical CMEs and was contemplating changing its own logo to a chicken holding a stethoscope, steps which have been put on hold temporarily.

IMA comes out in support of Rahul, accuses Modi govt of vendetta.

New Delhi – Days after Rahul Gandhi's former aide Pankaj Shankar criticized the Congress leader that he was still under political "internship" despite having joined politics 15 years ago, the Indian Medicos Association (IMA) has come out in support of the failed leader.

Expressing sympathy and solidarity with Rahul’s political journey, the IMA issued a press release today stating: An Indian doctor’s educational journey is also like Rahul’s internship which doesn’t seem to come to an end. His contribution in politics is similar to that of a medical intern’s contribution in patient care. Only doctors can understand his pain as they too spend almost 15 years doing MBBS – internship - rural MO ship - post graduation - super specialization – bond - year drops for exam preparation, etc before actually starting practice, hence Rahul should not be criticized.

Within hours of the IMA’s press release, the BJP took a potshot at the Congress as the party's IT cell head Arun Awaminathan tweeted: "India is a leading centre for meditation with a rich heritage. We will order an inquiry whether similar to doctor’s vacations, Rahul Gandhi’s frequent ‘meditational visit’ to 'Bangcock' and other odd destinations abroad were also sponsored by pharmaceutical companies." The IMA claimed it to be vendetta politics.

Misinterpreting IMA’s solidarity, a faction of Gandhi’s loyalists demanded that, “When Amit Shah’s son Jay Shah, who would have never held a ball except his own, can be the BCCI secretary, IMA should consider making Rahul its next President.”

Intubated patients who ventilate themselves have higher survival rates. – Study

Mumbai: In a path breaking study conducted at the Quackdoses Multispecialty Hospital, it was found that intubated patients who ventilate themselves have higher survival rates compared to those getting weaned off the ventilator.

Though it is not rare to find relatives continuously ventilating their patient with an AMBU bag in government hospital ICUs (due to the lack of ventilators), report of patients in India ventilating themselves have startled doctors across the world.

The team of doctors involved in the study also claimed that when done well, the technique is quite anticlimactic, as patients simply continue to breathe, maintaining their own airway and saturation, for as long as needed, thereby greatly reducing the risk for aspiration, which makes the process safer in many circumstances.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Valmik, a leading anesthesiologist said, “Asking patients to ventilate themselves avoids repeated ABGs, reduces electricity bill of the ventilator and the patient never stops pumping the AMBU owing to the fear of dying. It is similar to prescribing a bottle full of laxative to a patient suffering from cough, as a remedy. He will be too scared to cough! The disadvantage is that the patient’s have to be taught to give 1 breath every 5-6 seconds, which takes time, and even when done well, photographs of such patients become viral on social media making the intern/houseman, a butt of all jokes.”

Taking cue from the revolutionary study, WHO has decided to include “Screaming Patient? Intubate to protect airway…” as its health slogan’ 2020.

Major blow for Kejriwal after insurance company rejects mediclaim.

New Delhi: In another major setback for the Delhi chief minister Arvind Kejriwal, the Supreme Court today upheld the rejection of mediclaim by an insurance company for treatment of his chronic cough. He is already facing the heat as a RTI filed by the BJP has revealed that Kejriwal and his ministers spent more than Rs. 50 lakhs on medical treatment in the last 4 years at top private hospitals, while cheating common man to seek treatment in ‘Mohalla clinics’.

As per the insurance policy documents, a copy of which is available with QuackDoses, Kejriwal had claimed Rs. 10 Lakh cash back for the treatment of his ‘trademark’ chronic cough which exacerbated during press conferences and dharnas, before he used Anna Hazare’s movement for his own political gains.

The insurance company had refuted the claim on grounds that a muffler and sweater were not a recommended medical treatment modality and that Dr. Kumar Vishwas was not a real doctor. Kejriwal challenged the insurance company’s decision before the National Consumer Disputes Redressal Forum which passed an order against him, and he subsequently moved the apex court.

“The documentary material indicates that there was a clear failure on the part of the Kejriwal to disclose that he suffered from Munchausen syndrome, a factitious mental disorder in which a person repeatedly and deliberately acts as if he or she has a physical illness when he or she is not really sick. The ground for rejection was in terms of the exclusions contained in the policy,” the top court said.

In a press conference to media persons after the verdict, Kejriwal said, “Main bahut chota admi hun, meri koi aukat nai hai. Inn insaurance company walon k piche Congress-BJP netaon ki milibhagat hai. Yeh log chahte hain ki mera allergic bronchitis pneumonia mein badal jaye aur main khatiya pakad lun. Ek baar agle saal Dilli mein phir hamari sarkar aane do, inn insurance company walon ko hum expose karke jail bhijwa denge.”

Unconfirmed reports also claimed that a pharmaceutical company who had signed Kejriwal as brand ambassador for their cough syrup might sue him for breach of contract, for not publicly coughing enough in the last 4 years as promised in the deal.

News anchor suffers from spontaneous rectal tear, stable after issuing apology.

Mumbai: A day after calling Aditya Thackrey “the Rahul Gandhi of Shiv Sena”, it has been reported that news anchor Anjana Om Kashyap suffered from a spontaneous rectal tear when the editor of the show pointed out that her statements had been aired live on television. She was immediately rushed to the Quackdoses multi specialty hospital where she underwent an emergency surgery and is currently said to be in a stable condition.

Kashyap, a failed medical aspirant herself, had earlier too faced flak in June for entering the ICU at a government hospital in Muzaffarpur and shouting at doctors attending to the sick children suffering from AES (Acute Encephalitis Syndrome), demanding to take their byte. No sooner she entered the ICU with a camera and mic, her journalism went on ventilator and could not be resuscitated.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, her operating surgeon on conditions on anonymity said, “Anjana suffered a grade 4 rectal tear. It is a common condition seen in journalists and is thought to be a long term side effect of cheap publicity by talking shit for excreting TRPs. The disease usually manifests itself and becomes symptomatic when they end up putting their foot in the mouth by speaking against powerful politicians or celebrities. The Shiv Sena workers had threatened to barge into the hospital and turn off her epidural infusion after which she issued an apology on twitter.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that impressed by her idea, Rahul Gandhi is contemplating deflecting to Shiv Sena from the Congress to start afresh as a youth icon and make “Rahul Gandhi of Shiv Sena” a reality before the upcoming Maharashtra elections.

Your child’s mental health is more important than their grades.

3 Idiots is one of the best Bollywood movies ever and I’m sure most Indians would have watched it at least once. The story of Farhan and Virus’ dead son depicted in the movie is a household reality in India. It also highlighted the fact that Mental health is a neglected issue in the country. It is a shame that mental issues are still considered a taboo and people don’t seek early help.

My work in the Accident & Emergency department, apart from managing common medical and surgical emergencies also involves attending to a lot of patients with undiagnosed anxiety and depression, many of whom are teenagers. I have seen teenagers and young adults, depressed and suicidal due to parental pressure, who end up receiving Electro convulsive therapy (ECT) or Ketamine therapy when oral medications have failed.

The number of suicides among teenagers due to anxiety and depression is on the rise in India and it hurts me to read news of teenagers giving up on their lives every other day.

So what can be a neglected cause? In India, it is common for parents to pressurize their children to opt for certain streams such as engineering or medical without taking into consideration their interests and aptitude. From there, the burden of living up to the parents’ expectations begins and the child begins to forget his own personality and gets lost.

Over a period of time, it gets difficult for children to handle the stress suddenly thrown at them. These expectations become a mental stress for the child to cope up with, leading to anxiety, depression and unhappiness. Teenagers then feel isolated, thinking that nobody understands them, which can in most cases draw them completely away from their family and friends.

The solution - ‘communication’. Parents need to watch for signs of stress in their kids and make an effort to talk to the child, their friends and also to teachers at school to know the cause. It is high time people realize that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. Neither is talking about it.

Following is a poem to spread awareness about thoughts which might be going in the mind of such a teenager coping with parental pressure. 

Kho gaya hun main kahin,
Kitab ke kisi panne mein,
Bhul gaya hun apna wajood,
Ek acha beta banne mein.

Unke sapne poore karne mein,
Jalte angaron pe chalta hun,
Jeene ki chah thi meri,
Ghut ghut ke roz marta hun.

Sochta hun chale jaun kahin,
Jahan sirf mere sapne hon,
Na ho koi ummed ka bojh,
Tanha rahun, aur na koi apna ho.

Ho sakta hai ek din unhe,
Unki galti ka ehsaas ho jaye,
Par jiss din khulegi unki ankh,
Shayad khud ko hi khatam kar lun.

After fake Pastors and Prophets, fortune-tellers to soon treat patients.

New Delhi – Taking cue from fake Christian pastors treating patients with equally poor acting skills, the government plans to start OPDs on similar lines where astrologers, palmists and vastu experts will ‘diagnose’ and treat patients. Horoscopes and kundalis will be the mainstays of such facilities that would apparently dispense medical advice to the sick and the vulnerable.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Health Minister Harsh Vardhan said, “Already the educated Indians are looking at muhurats to undergo planned surgeries these days. In such proposed OPDs, the team of experts will study the planetary combinations at the exact time the questions are asked, to arrive at the right astrological diagnosis & treatment. The bridge course and astrologers are coming now, the tantriks will soon follow”.

Expressing shock at the government’s proposal, the Indian Doctor’s Association released a press statement claiming that such initiatives were nothing but promotion of the RSS agenda. The association also expressed fear that we were not far away from a day when ‘gau mutra’ will be sprinkled on patients before they are wheeled into the operation theater.

Meanwhile, the Academy of Motion Pictures has announced that this year’s Oscar nominations for best actor will only go to such Pastors and their patients, and the award ceremony will begin by observing a 2 minute silence for Indian Healthcare.

P.S – “Whosoever after reading this post does not press the like button, be ready to face the consequences. Feel the vibration of my power and then talk to me. Praise Quackdoses, Hallelujah”- Jesus.

Dhinchak Pooja beats ototoxic medications and Otitis Media to become number 1 risk factor for hearing loss.

Mumbai: In a jaw dropping study conducted at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital, it was found that Dhinchak Pooja songs have become the number 1 risk factor for hearing loss in the world. In less than 4 years since the release of her 1st song ‘Swag wali Topi’ in 2016, her songs have caused impaired hearing in more than 10 million people across the globe.

Experts have claimed that noise from her songs causes inflammation of the ear drum leading to build up of fluid or pus behind it, which blocks the transmission of sound causing a conducting hearing loss. It has been suggested that her songs can also directly cause damage to the inner ear or the auditory nerve.

Speaking at the UNESCO headquarters in France yesterday, Prime Minister Modi has assured that though it will be touch for India to stop her all alone, his government is trying hard to stop her release any songs in future. He also threatened to wipe Pakistan out by sending Dhinchak Pooja with a mic and speaker at the Indo-Pak border if Pakistan threatens India with nuclear weapons over the ongoing Kashmir dispute.

Unconfirmed reports have claimed that the CBI is using 3rd degree torture on P Chitambaram, currently in custody in connection with INX Media money laundering case, by making him listen to Dhinchak Pooja songs on full blast in a closed room.

She, however, declined to comment on the study results and scared away our reporter with live performance of her latest ‘Nach ke Pagal’ song.

Pawar undergoes surgery, hidden gold reserves found.

Mumbai: In a shocking revelation that has stirred the political scenario & has left the medical fraternity aghast, doctors who recently operated on Sharad Pawar for a tongue-and-throat surgery revealed that the Nationalist Corrupt Party (NCP) Supremo has a skeleton made of gold. The former Union minister, who people claim is the 2nd richest and the most corrupt person on Earth after Sonia Gandhi, was flown in to Mumbai from Delhi via an air ambulance.

Doctors who conducted a full check-up and had unfortunately ruled out anything serious were curious about the increased bone density on the serial X-Rays and decided to operate as soon as possible. The hospital authorities refused to divulge further details regarding his health condition. There is no clarity on whether the senior leader’s hidden gold is 24 carat or less.

“He was brought to Mumbai because he was previously treated here. The mal-practicing hospital in Delhi was forcing him to undergo surgery there and allowed him to leave only after signing the Discharge Against Medical Advice (DAMA) form. He will be medically fit to loot India again in a few weeks’ time. If Sheikhs in Dubai can have cars made of gold & platinum, what’s wrong in having a custom made skeleton made of the same metal?,” said NCP leader Ajit Pawar, who visited the 78-year-old politician at the QuackDoses Multi-specialty Hospital.

Earlier too, Pawar's surgery had made headlines in 2014 when he suffered from a hip fracture after slipping and falling on the pavement outside his house during a routine evening walk. He subsequently accused the BJP workers of peeing outside his home to make the sidewalk slippery, and the harassment still continuing with BJP poaching on senior NCP leaders by misusing government agencies like Income Tax & Enforcement Directorate to make them defect, ahead of the assembly elections due later this year.

This was the fourth surgery of the veteran politician. He has earlier been operated on for his oral cancer, a fractured hip and another being the famous Sardar slap, a quick-minor procedure which made his smile from :-/ to :-l .

'Bad' words for good health, Because Science said so!

Mumbai: Days after researchers in UK concluded that Swearing increases pain tolerance by one third, doctors in India have now claimed that giving bad words in Indian lingo reduces hypertension, elevates mood and helps combat depression.

A double blinded ‘early morning’ clinical trial was conducted on the harassed ‘potential’ passengers of Autowalas & Taxiwalas in Delhi, Mumbai and Bangaluru. It was found that the ‘guinea pigs’ using disrespectful words for the near & dear female relatives of the auto & taxi drivers on hearing ‘nai jayega’ had higher happiness quotient & less likelihood of death from heart attack or stroke. The study also revealed that Delhi fared better than the other 2 metro cities owing to the spectrum of bad words which Delhites can create.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Shaitan Khopdi, a famous US based neurologist said, “The F-word inspired Indian vocabulary is actually a type of coping mechanism that can make you feel stronger when used in moderation. Tossingaround a few Hindi swear words actually activates the “fight or flight” response in our brains. Virat Kolhi is the world’s best batsman, not because of his batting skills but because of his ability to channelize the same MC-BC energy from his tongue into his game.”

Mumbaikars have however rubbished the study claiming that a drunken Sanjay Dutt and a sober Jackie Shroff were alone enough to topple Delhi’s crown of being the ‘gali’ capital of India.

Resignation is merely a stunt, 'Prince of Goof-Ups' will soon be back as RG 2.0

New Delhi – Ending speculations on his next course of action since his much deserved resignation from the post of Party President, it has now emerged that Rahul Gandhi will be back soon after undergoing treatment for his ‘disability’ to win elections, through biomedical engineering.

Our 'gupt sutra' within the Congress party has claimed that Rahul after watching Captain America-The First Avenger with his nephew and niece recently came up with the idea of undergoing the ‘Super Soldier’ treatment which involves injection of special serum and doses of ‘Vita-Rays’. He will soon be flying to New York to meet Tony Stark and Steve Rogers.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Pappu said, “The Congress party will always remain family controlled. My temporary successor will be expected to perform the same role that Manmohan Singh did as Prime Minister leading the UPA government. I will be back soon as RG 2.0 after upgrading my IQ software and lubricating my hardware. Laluji’s son Tej Pratap Yadav suffered permanent side effects after undergoing an imperfect version of the said procedure, but we are more technologically advanced now.”

The Congress Working Committee (CWC) has meanwhile decided to not give him the experience letter and not refund the security deposit as Rahul did not give the mandatory one month notice before resigning.

Bridge course off, Doctors cite loopholes in NMC bill.

New Delhi: Already facing flak and protests against the recently approved NMC bill, it has now come to light that the government has made provisions in the bill empowering politicians to write chapter in modern allopathic and veterinary medicine books.

Taking note of the increasing interest of his peer groups in medical sciences and animal husbandry, PM Modi called for a meeting today with all Cow Ministers to admire the medicinal properties of cow milk and urine.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Modi said, “I agree with the vision of our learned ministers that cows are the only animal which can exhale oxygen and massaging them can cure breathing problems. The government will install cow sheds in close proximity to hospitals as it can cure tuberculosis. Water from Garud Ganga will also be distributed to pregnant women in wards to avoid unnecessary cesarean deliveries. Also, Rs. 100 crore will also be allocated to look for the legendary Sanjivani Booti.”

When our ‘gupt sutra’ Deepak Kumar enquired about any updates on contraception, PM’s close aide and home minister Amit Shah suggested that the best way to curb India’s population growth is to provide electricity to Indian villages so that couples spend their time watching TV till late in the night instead of procreating (when there is no electricity, there is nothing else to do but produce babies), a claim rubbished by medical experts.

Meanwhile, ousted Karnataka Chief Minister Kumaraswamy has claimed that he was indirectly the 1st victim of the NMC bill as ‘horse trading’ of Congress - JD(S) MLAs into BJP and ‘crosspathy’ were almost the same.

NOTE- Friends, instead of the provision for a ‘bridge course’ (decision of which has been left on the state governments) a new section 32 has been added to the NMC bill, where community health providers (any person CONNECTED WITH a modern scientific medical professional) like compounders, lab technicians, blood sample collectors, etc., could get a ‘limited licensed to practice modern medicine’ without the supervision of a qualified doctor. It truly is nothing but a blatant promotion of ‘Quackery’, endangering life of the common man.

Rx: Urgent remedy for Indian Healthcare Education.

The tragic suicide by a young Gynecology resident at a premier government institute in Mumbai has brought focus on harsh truths of the medical post graduate education system.

Deans and the Head of Departments of EVERY medical college in the country would be lying if they claimed that there was no workplace harassment and exploitation of young resident doctors in their respective medical colleges, and that they were not aware of the same. The truth is that seniors with designation of power are mere mute spectators. Also, the so called ‘Anti Ragging Committee’ exists only on paper and many committee members are themselves part of the team involved in ragging of the juniors in hostels at night.

‘Hierarchical’ exploitation of juniors is the NORM in medical colleges (different from workplace politics in the corporate setup) unless you have a familial ‘jack’ or contacts with the seniors. Threats of not getting enough ‘cutting’ in surgical fields during the 3 year tenure, threats of making sure the doctor doesn’t clear the PG exam, getting ridiculed in front of patients and their relatives, exploited to do personal work of their seniors, not allowed time to even bathe/eat or get adequate sleep for days, working almost 100 hours a week, etc is part and parcel of a post graduate resident doctor’s life, especially in the 1st year of their training – a bitter sad reality of this fraternity which not many will refute.

Apart from things mentioned above, I have personally been privy to few instances during my internship which left an ever lasting impact on me, making me vow to never come back to the government setup. An Ortho 1st year houseman was so sleep deprived and tired that he fell asleep on a stretcher less than a feet away from a patient’s vomitus, while another resident doctor was so frustrated with work that he showed up drunk in the ward wearing only his underwear and loudly cursing his seniors – to be then taken to the EMS and asked to take rest and a much deserved sleep.

But the big question is why hasn’t anyone publicly spoken about it? Why no steps have been taken to curb this menace and malpractice that plagues medical education? Is it creating better doctors or improving senior-junior relationship? What about the mental health of the residents and its long term psychological effects? Till when will the authorities turn a blind eye to such things? What are we really waiting for – another Dr. Payal Tadvi?

It is high time the medical fraternity, state universities and the government address these issues, introspect on this existing system of exploitation and harassment, and take stringent steps to curb this menace. Resident doctors should make support groups among themselves, should gather courage to come out openly and complain against any atrocities by their immediate senior residents, professors, head of units or even head of departments. At the same time, refrain from filling up the same shoes as their seniors once they become senior themselves – just because they had themselves gone through such an ordeal. Such social reform will not happen overnight but will slowly and surely be instrumental to bring about the change.

The American Heart Association rightfully calls the doctors – ‘The wounded healers’ due to the effects of psychological, emotional, physical and mental stress of years of clinical practice, I’m sure the Indian medical post graduate education system does not want is create – ‘wounded and scarred’ doctors of tomorrow right out of residency program.

I would like to end by a quote, “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barack Obama

Doctors - The Wounded Healers

Scenario: A young 27 year old male was brought by an auto driver to the Accident & Emergency Department with a history of road traffic accident. His body was completely mutilated with multiple broken bones, visible deformities, head injury and a ‘fountain’ of red blood from his right femoral artery due to a puncture wound. Though he was gasping while being shifted from the autorickshaw to the stretcher, his breathing stopped completely by the time he was wheeled in to the resuscitation bed. In spite of an immediate intubation and all our resuscitative efforts, he succumbed to his injuries.

My hands trembled as I looked through the contacts on his phone to search for ‘home, ma / mom, papa / dad, bhai, baby / sweetheart / wifey, etc’. I slowly gathered courage to call on ‘dada’ (which mostly means elder brother) as I did not want to make the 1st call to his mother, father or the wife.

I was at complete loss of words when he picked up the phone…what should I tell him? The images running through my mind was of how my own elder brother would react if he received such a call.

“Main Hospital k Emergency Department se Doctor Mohit bol raha hun, aap please jaldi hospital aa jaiye.”

“Doctor kya hua ? Yeh mere bhai ka number hai, usne kyun call nai kiya?”, he asked.

“Main jyada kuch nai bata sakta phone pe, aap aa jaiye aur kisi family member ko bhi sath le aiyega”, I replied.

“Theek hai, main abhi office mein hun, thodi der mein Papa k sath pahuchta hun.”

The scenes which followed cannot be expressed in. The reaction of the brother, the father, all the tears, the disbelief, the trauma, the shock…the mother fainted on arrival and later with tears rolling down her eyes, she asked me was, “Doctor, usne kuch bola kya marne se pehle? Woh kitni der tak zinda tha? Saasein chal rahi thi kya uski?” – probably she wanted to hear if he left any message or final words, and I couldn’t answer to her (there are tears in my eyes, as I think of that mayhem again to pen down these words) .

After a month, the father and the brother came to get life insurance forms filled. I found out that he was recently married 3 months back. On the day of his accident, his mother was just discharged after an angiography (with report of few coronary blockages which could be medically treated) and he had just brought her home from the hospital after discharge and left with a friend to buy some sweets in view of the normal reports. The brakes of a dumper had failed on Jogeshwari Vikhroli Link Road (JVLR) and the truck driver rammed into 7 vehicles…and the body of the pillion rider was ripped into pieces on the spot of the accident.

                                                                    ********

The life of a doctor is complicated, and gets even worse when he/she is working in the stressful environment of an Accident & Emergency department (A&E). An emergency physician has to be a JACK OF ALL, AND A MASTER OF ALL as it cannot be predicted what will come in through the entrance door – an accident victim, a patients with a heart attack, a stroke, a seizure, a patient fighting to take a breath, a geriatric, a pediatric, a pregnant patients apart from the regular emergencies across all specializations.

What makes this branch different is the amount of emotions, expectations, always, dealing with blood and death on a routine basis, with no margin for error. Seconds and minutes can make all the difference between life and death.

Doctors working in the A&E and ICUs have to be 2 faced, hide their humane emotional side when dealing with a critical patient and delivering bad news, while simultaneously thinking with a straight head about the best modality of treatment. The worst part of this job across the world would definitely be dealing with young deaths. It will be a lie if I say I have never seen doctors break down and cry after declaring a patient dead.

Like most of the doctors working in the A&E across the world, I too have had the MISFORTUNE of giving bad news to a father, a mother, a sister, a brother, a wife and friends about the death of their loved one – at young age of 21, 24,27,29, 31, 37,42, etc.

And just while all this is going on, YOUR DOCTOR in the Emergency pulls himself back together and gets ready to tackle another challenge – The Next Patient.

Patient suffering from COPD refuses medications, demands Doctor's 'nebulization'.

Mumbai: In a surprising incident which has sent shock waves among the medical community, a 60 year old patient admitted in the ICU of a local hospital with an acute exacerbation of COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) refused his daily dose of bronchodilators and demanded the same ‘nebulization’ that his admitting consultant was on, with an increased frequency than his current dosing.

It is a well known fact that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ‘Nebulization’ is a secret code for smoking in the medical language, and patients deciphering the same has now made doctors worried. Expecting similar backlash from more patients of COPD, Medical Council of India has already issued directives to doctors to come up with new terminology, or else face 1 more year of rural MO ship after post graduation.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, patient Bevda Charsi (name changed) said, “My doctor is so shameless and insensitive that in front of COPD patients like me, he ‘teasingly’ tells his junior that he is taking a ‘nebulization’ break, whereas we all know that he is really going out for a ‘sutta’. He counsels us that ‘coffin’ is the result of smoking too much, but does not practice what he preaches. When will the medical fraternity understand that nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking, and that smoking has benefits like family planning because it can cause erectile dysfunction?”

“I had also thought about giving up smoking in the past, but decided not to – I’m not a quitter”, Charsi added.

Meanwhile, a virtual war has already started on social media among professionals with many claiming that not only in smoking, some doctors can even beat an Engineer in a drinking competition.

Unhappy with acting skills, MCI to open medical acting college soon.

Faking News: Doctor's Lounge Exclusive

Mumbai: Unhappy with the quality and acting skills of doctors in movies and television soaps, Medical Council of India (MCI) is on the lookout of people to train budding actors as doctors for maintaining the dignity and good quality of care we provide.

Viewers have often complained that doctors declaring a ‘fertile’ female pregnant just because she has early morning vomiting or by just checking her pulse looks more unreal than the facelifts actors get by imaginary plastic surgeons on TV soaps. MCI also has been under tremendous pressure from the Ultrasound Society of India as USG machines have complained that they are not being used in diagnostic purposes on television and they miss being inserted transvaginally. They also alleged that MCI was a corrupt body and its president Dr.Ketan Desai had pocketed crores by allowing promotion of Urine Pregnancy Test (UPT) strips and not supporting their cause.

MCI has apparently approached film director Subhash Ghai (who has recently been in the news for encroaching 20 acres of government land) to vacate the Whistling Woods Film School as quickly as possible so it can start a Dada Kondke Medical acting college soon. Curriculum will include lectures on dressing sense with dirty aprons, make up with bald head and thick spectacles, demanding 30 % doctor's cut, dirty handwriting, diagnostic tests and others.

The next time you hear a doctor actor say, "Main aapke pati ko nai bacha paya" or the famous standard dialogue, "Inhe ab dava ki nai, dua ki zarurat hai", it is bound to bring tears to you eyes.

Intern goes on rampage after getting scolded, empty bladder becomes the root cause.

Mumbai: In a surprising incident at LTMGH, an angry, frustrated, sex starved intern Deepak Kumar blasted the gynecology houseman after receiving a earful himself from the radiologist for shifting a pregnant patient with lower abdominal pain to Ultrasonography (to rule out ectopic pregnancy) with an empty urinary bladder.

Our sources confirmed that the hard working ace phlebotomist Dr.Deepak struggled hard to arrange the USG after 1^st having to drag the patient on a wheelchair himself to the radiology department (due to the perennial running away of the lazy ward boys, a.k.a MAMAS at night time) only to find the USG door locked which angered him even more. He then had to leave the moaning patient and run to the Resident quarters to call the sleepy radiologist on call. (He wished she had let him inside instead of talking through the window sensing risk from the well known Casanova.)

Our ‘Gupt Sutra’, the intern on duty in Surgery Department (identity withheld) reported that Deepak was apparently scolded harshly by the radiologist with the discovery of the patient’s empty urinary bladder and was asked to return only when patient felt like peeing. He was then seen storming out of the USG room to baby cry & complain to the gynecology registrar.

In an exclusive interview to Quackdoses, Deepak explained,“I was really working hard in the gynecology department as it is a specialty of my liking. Unlike others, never did I once complain about having to put a Foley’s catheter before the many caesarian sections in the day. I punctually got the dabbas (Tiffin boxes), Xeroxes, cakes and other items which my registrars & associate professor asked me to pick up. Angered by the incident, I warned the registrar that I would stop being their pet if such incidents happen again after which she too joined me in my fight against corruption.”

Angry interns were seen shouting slogans early next morning against patients for not filling their urinary bladders before coming for USG & refused to resume work till the culprit patient, the radiologist & the houseman (who did not give appropriate instructions) apologized to the Rockstar intern.

An enquiry has now been ordered by the hospital Dean Sangam to look into the bladder…the matter.

Grand junior breaks locker, Interns to mislead.

Mumbai: In a jaw dropping never before seen incident at LTMMC yesterday, a grand junior Pranshul Kamdar broke the locker of an intern (identity withheld), 5 years his senior, on finding that the intern had 2 lockers in the reading room (RR) while he himself had to everyday piggy back all his fat 1st year books including the useless Cunningham. 

In times when the grand juniors are usually seen quietly slipping down the staircase due to the fear of being caught by the seniors for ‘introduction’, have lunch in the distant ‘khopcha’ (corner) of the canteen, Kamdar’s courageous act to break the locker and argue with the angry intern has made him an instant hero in college.  While his He-Man act has managed to catch the eyes of most females in LTMMC, 1st year batch mates are already hailing him as a future General Secretary of the Student Council. Kamdar has meanwhile been elected as the class representative to be the face of the batch for getting ragged & to take attendance every day after lectures for the next 4.5 years. 

“The only reason I joined LTMMC was because the prospectus clearly states that unlike other medical schools, we would be provided with a full cadaver to cut individually, there are facilities of a gymkhana, basketball court, a locker allotted to your name and good looking female seniors, otherwise I was getting AIIMS MBBS through all India PMT. While all other things turned out to be fake like the news article on Faking News: Doctor’s Lounge which angered me, I decided I will at least by the 1st year itself be a proud owner of a marble locker in the RR which I’m officially entitled to”, said Kamdar. 

Angered by the incident, all mama interns have now unanimously decided to boycott the grand juniors and misguide them regarding books and study methods to survive in the MBBS jungle for 5.5 years. They have also threatened to not attend the Intern’s social (an event hosted by the grand juniors for the outgoing interns in LTMMC) till the culprit Kamdar does not return back the locker, with a ‘replaced same to same lock’ or offers a bottle of Old Monk to the victim intern.

Medical College k woh din...

Jab exam mein invigilator strict ho, copy karne na mile toh dukh hota hai,

Par Roll Number ke hisab se middle row ki 1^st bench aa jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab exam mein tum aur tumhara best friend fail ho jayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par tum latak jao aur tumse copy karke woh dost pass ho jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab barish mein naye leather shoes bheeg jayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par hostel mein jab 3-4 din tak underwear na sukhen toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab medical ki padhai ke chakkar mein tum salon tak ghumne na ja pao toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab non medical dost Facebook par foreign trip ki photo dalen toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab internship mein Registrar aur Houseman tumse khana-xerox mangwayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab kamine unn Xerox ya khane ka paisa na den toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab batch ki sabse hot ladki tumhe bhav na de toh dukh hota hai,

Par tumhare best friend ki woh girlfriend ban jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab pata chale ki batch ki sabhi achi ladkiyan booked hain toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab Junior batch mein achi ladkiyan aa jayen aur tum ghur na pao toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab girlfriend se breakup ho jaye toh tute dil ko dukh hota hai,

Par jab who Ex-Girlfriend jald hi naya boyfriend pakadle toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab socho ki zindagi ke 9-10 saal padhai mein, saade jeevan mein laga diye toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab unn medical college ke dinon ko yaad kar aakhon se aasun tapke toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Veterinary physicians who study pharmacology can soon practice allopathy in india.

Mumbai: In a proposal which could further cripple the healthcare sector, already facing the heat due to the moronic government policies, the Health Department has said that veterinary physicians with Bachelor's degree in Veterinary Science (B.V.Sc.) could soon be allowed to prescribe and practice modern allopathic medicine.

With the government’s failure to attract adequate number of students to join MBBS due to the rural bond, 2 crore surety for super-specialization courses, putting a cap on consultation and surgery charges, allowing cross pathy, attack on doctors, etc, this move could sound the death knell for modern medicine in India.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Prime Minister Modi said, “It is not possible legally to allow animal doctors to practice human medicine which they have not studied. Similar to allowances currently given to AYUSH doctors in 13 states, animal doctors wishing to practice allopathy will also have to study human pharmacology. It will be a full course of one year and they will be allowed to practice only after they clear the examination. We wanted to make sure that parents tricking children by scaring them of the ‘ghode wala injection’ at the doctor’s clinic would be a reality before 2019.”

This move has, however, faced stiff objection and opposition from the Indian Medical council (IMA), which fears it could “make way for more quackery”.

“Although there is no denying the fact that humans have started behaving like animals again, allowing integrated practice of human and animal medicine will result in increased number of medical negligence cases. It is unfortunate that our views have not been considered,” a senior IMA member said.

This move is likely to give legal sanction to some 75,000 vets enabling them to practice allopathy.