What's your biggest achievement ?

“Sir, I stayed back just because of you.”

“Sir, you took care of everyone like a cocoon.”

“Sir, whenever you’re there on duty with me, I know nothing will go wrong, no matter how serious the patient may be.”

These were some of the words from my residents during an impromptu get together of my department last week, which was also a farewell treat for 2 of my residents who had worked in our A&E for more than 1-2 years.

As sad and emotional I am (which I don’t express) to see them leave for personal (marriage) / professional growth, there is a sense of pride that wherever they go, I’m sure they will excel with the knowledge, training and experience they’ve gained with us.

I will soon be completing 3 years with my current organization, and I was left wondering what the biggest achievement for me would be here, and in the other organizations where I’ve set up the A&E departments from a relatively clean slate – was it the protocols, the paperwork, the SOPs, the policies, the increase in revenue, improvement in quality of care, the awards, the trophies, etc?

But nothing seems to come close to the satisfaction & sense of TOUCHING LIVES, being successful in CREATING AN ENVIRONMENT, A CULTURE IN THE DEPARTMENT which is friendly, positive, educative, calm; an environment where your juniors feel valued, supported, feel safe, their mental health, their physical health, their family time, leaves are taken care of; with a clear vision that they learn, train, grow, up-skill themselves for their future and move forward in their journey with pride and gratitude towards their mentor, and know that they can always fall back on for guidance. This is surely the biggest achievement for a Head / Guide !!

‘Wannabe Celeb’ with sub-acute intestinal obstruction (SAIO) passes flatus, posts achievement on LinkedIn.

 

Mumbai: In unexpected development which has hyper stimulated peristalsis of general surgeons and gastroenterologists around the world, a LinkedIn post from a patient having successfully passed flatus has gone viral on social media.

In a short post uploaded on LinkedIn with a photograph of the patient on his bed and a hashtag YOLO below (You Only Live Once), the patient claimed that he was ‘thrilled, honored, privileged, excited, proud and happy’ to have been able to butt-burp after spending 2 days in the hospital, under the care of renowned surgeon Dr. Fartkar. The post was reportedly written from the bed at the notorious Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital.

“Ever since I came to the hospital, everyone – right from the emergency doctor, to the surgeon and his assistants, the radiologist and the nurses have been constantly asking the same question – niche se hawa nikli kya? The surgeon even poked me in my rectum when I replied in the negative. LinkedIn is the perfect platform to be self congratulatory, shit-post vast amounts of trivial nonsense daily and give advice no one asked for, hence I too decided to post about this major achievement which means a lot to my treating team,” said the patient (identity withheld), adding that while a loud fake sound was used to let the nurse know, the anal air pressure he felt was real.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that when the hospital confronted the patient for breach in their ‘no photography’ policy and informed that his final bill will be hiked as penalty, the patient innocently claimed that he did it for fun and did not know his post would go viral on social media. The patient’s mobile phone and laptop have been seized by the hospital, and investigation is on to ascertain whether Dr. Fartkar had masterminded the post for personal marketing.

Get admitted, Discounts based on your Google Review Stars, says Hospital.

This hospital has a Google Review discount system.

Mumbai : In an unusual way to draw in more patients, a hospital in the city is offering discounted billing to patients based on their Google review stars.

It is a well known fact that as patients are growing increasingly savvy about ‘doctor shopping’, they’re openly asking for discounts that apply to anything from OPD visits and radiology services to surgeries and dental procedures. Especially after the pandemic, even hospitals are trying to appeal to their ‘customers’ using several special discounts models: get 52 parameters, pay for only 1 laboratory package; spend Rs. 5 lakhs and get 5 % discount on your next admission; buy a main course from the hospital canteen and get 1 tablet of Metformin for free, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Rate Kamkar, the chairman of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital said, “One word that can bring a huge smile to anyone’s face is ‘discounts’. Isn’t that so true? I mean, who on this earth does not like discounts, and nothing like discounts on Hospital bills? In our endeavor to make our organization the highest rated - No. 1 hospital in the world, even above Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins Hospital & Cleveland clinic, we came up with this revolutionary marketing strategy. Patients have to give online reviews at the time of processing admission, so that they are back home safely (wicked smile), and their relatives have to give reviews at the time of discharge, for discounts. The higher your Google rating, the higher the % discount. Our motto is simple - We treat your illness and scars, get discounts based on your stars!”.

A huge majority of Netizens simply loved the idea of this hospital and called it a superb innovation which will be a game changer in health care globally. Many applauded the hospital for such an amazing idea. In the hope of getting maximum discounts, many of the patients from their hospital beds have also shared screenshots of their reviews on Instagram, Facebook and Linkedin. 

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that to maintain their 5 star rating, although the hospital is offering a little extra discount to those giving long written feedback, the hospital management has also secretly instructed the billing team to overcharge those patients giving negative online reviews at the time of discharge.

Hospitals facing scarcity of doctors, Project 'Save the RMO' launched.

Mumbai: Amid the growing demand for MBBS RMOs in the country, a recent census has set alarm bells ringing when it indicated that their population has been steadily and significantly declining over the years.

As more and more RMOs ‘fall prey’ to post graduation, super-specialization and work opportunities abroad, this wake-up call has prompted the Indian Healthcare industry to launch one of the world's most ambitious conservation projects – ‘Save the RMO’, on similar lines as the successful 'Save the Tiger' project.

A panel set up by the government has recommended that as part of the ‘Save the RMO’ project, to lure and fool MBBS graduates, they will be given a minimum monthly ‘CTC’ of Rs. 1 lakh, along with permission to come late 5 days a week, no biometric punch-ins for attendance, free wi-fi, unlimited food, 5 star accommodation, etc – much like the election manifestos and freebies offered by most political parties before elections.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann™, CEO of the Quack Multispeciality Hospital said, “With most MBBS graduates going into hibernation to prepare for the NEET PG exams immediately after their internship or working for only 4-6 months in an organization before taking their marriage or PG study break, it is getting extremely difficult for HR departments to find qualified RMOs to work in Emergency departments, ICUs and Wards. With almost every corporate hospital now suffering from scarcity of MBBS RMOs, and the number of RMOs decreasing day by day, we need to take preventive measures to ‘save their endangered species from getting extinct’. Our long term plan of this ‘Save the RMO’ project will be one of the finest examples in the annals of conservation globally. It will not be matched anywhere in the magnitude, scale and effort.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the initiative has been welcomed by the freshly passed MBBS graduates, who have demanded that they will join as RMOs, only if the minimum basic pay is at par with the Internal Medicine Consultants.

है कोई जवाब?

कया आप जानते हैं की कितना मुश्किल होता है हमारे लिए किसी की मौत देखना, खासकर एक डॉक्टर की।

फिर भी ईस विषय पर सोसाइटी में शर्मसार करने वाला एक सन्नाटा है, जिसके लिए मैंने कुछ चंद पंक्तियाँ लिखीं है।

 
**********

कहां छिप गए वो मुफ्त कंसल्टेशन माँगने वाले,
कहां छिप गए वो व्हाट्सएप पे 25 पन्नों की लैब रिपोर्ट भेजने वाले,
कहाँ छिप गए वो मुफ़्त मेडिकल सर्टिफिकेट माँगने वाले,
और कहां छिप गए वो खुद को दोस्त बताने वाले

कहाँ हैं वो थाली बजाने वाले,
कहाँ हैं वो कैंडल जलानें वाले,
कहाँ हैं वो हॉस्पिटल पे फूल बरसाने वाले,
और कहाँ हैं वो डॉक्टरों को भगवान बतलाने वाले।।

कहाँ मर गए वो नारे लगाने वाले,
कहाँ मर गये ट्विटेर पे वो झूठे आसुं बहाने वाले,
कहाँ मर गए वो अवार्ड्स लौटाने वाले, 
और कहाँ मर गए वो टीवी के न्यूज़ चैनलों पे चिल्लाने वाले।। 

क्या डॉक्टर आज बन गए हैं इतने लाचार,
की नहीं मच रहा उनकी मौत पे कोई हाहाकार,
क्यों नहीं हो रहा सोशल मीडिया पर इसका भी प्रचार,
और क्यों नहीं लगाता अब कोई सरकार से गुहार ।।

अभी भी नहीं जागे तुम, तो देश एक दिन रोयेगा,
एक एक करके जब वो अपने, काबिल डॉक्टरों को खोयेगा,
अगर मरते रहे युहीं सबकी जान बचाने वाले,
तोह कैसे कोई इंसान यहाँ सुकूँ की नींद सोयेगा,
तोह कैसे कोई इंसान यहाँ सुकूँ की नींद सोयेगा ।।

Save the Saviour !!

Yes we are nerds…we are geeks…we are those hard working, selfless doctors who have sacrificed a lot and gone through hell to be one. For as long as I remember, we are those who have burnt the midnight oil all through childhood, teenage years and early adulthood…been hardworking toppers, disciplined, brilliant winners throughout.

Right from getting into medical college after cracking the entrance exams (in 1,2 or 3 attempts), we give our best so that we can live up to the dreams and hopes in our parents’ eyes. Slogging hard, going through innumerable exams, vivas and more exams, we have no social life at all except restaurants and theatres near the medical college. We miss out on our family lives, cousin’s marriages, family functions, new year celebrations, festivals like Diwali, Navratri because we are always busy studying for the mid-term, ward exams, prelims or the university exams.

Unlike engineering and commerce courses requiring 2 months of studies just before half yearly and final exams, for us time literally comes to a standstill for approximately 6-7 years studying 365 days a year during M.B.B.S to become a doctor. The medical college becomes our home, our playground and fellow students our family. Even after completion of M.B.B.S, we stand nowhere in the current scenario. The days of a General Practitioner are over.. Then we start preparing for a second rat race and we go back to what we are best at…Sitting and studying for post-graduation….having the most boring, frustrating, and sedentary life one can imagine. By the time we get our graduation degrees, most of our contemporary friends are already done with their Masters. And then there is the ‘Rural MOship’ where you are supposed to serve 1 more year in some village or tribal area just because we chose to be a ‘ Life saving Doctor’ or pay an impossible amount of money to the Government.

Sitting and studying for 1-2 years preparing for post-graduation, not necessarily getting into the branch of your choice and compromising in life, and then living life like a dog for 3 years during post-graduation is so saddening. And then we start our lives when our school and college friends are well settled living their lives happily after marriage with their children. And when we do come out of the long dormant period, all we realise is the true meaning of life…it is not in money, fame…but in small little things of everyday life, being with family…. Yes, we doctors do get rich eventually but at the age when we cannot enjoy their own money, because the time we should have been ‘alive’, we were stuck in our books.

Looking at the shocking news of a 31 year old resident doctor who was raped and brutally murdered in the seminar hall of her medical college – principal being appointed to another medical college within hours of resignation – goons attacking protesting resident doctors and vandalising the medical college - silence of most politicians and so called 'celebrities' on the issue rocks me to the core. What kind of a savage society are we really living in?

Though I’m a very passionate emergency physician with complete dedication to my work and my patients, with the way things are (and only getting worse), I’m inclined to wonder if it is really worth the grind? Should hard working youngsters be discouraged to even look at medicine as a career option in India… for people who think being a doctor is cool, noble, respectable and would want to be one…. think again, the typical Indian mentality, the politics, the laws in this country will never change…it is not worth risking YOUR OWN LIFE.

Student leaves medicine to become a car mechanic, earns more than top surgeons.

Mumbai : In a jaw dropping career shift which has made other doctors regret their career option, success story of a student who dropped out of medical college to become a car mechanic has gone viral on social media.

With only 6 percent of doctors being happy with their jobs according to one survey, it is a well known fact that doctors have now become like everyone else: insecure, discontent and scared about the future, wanting to give up their medical profession & move to a physically & mentally safer environment. In fact, physicians are so bummed out that 9 out of 10 doctors would discourage anyone from entering the profession.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the visionary millionaire mechanic said, “Over the last few years of monsoon, we have seen that corrupt municipal corporations of most metro cities only claim to be rain-ready, but it is a common site to see flooded roads, severe water logging, cars submerged or floating in water like fishes, and extensive traffic snarls making the surroundings look like an aquatic landscape. Unlike in medicine where a sick patient first consults their neighbors, relatives, Google, and domestic help before actually consulting a doctor, people directly come to us to fix their cars, without ever asking for free repairs or discounts on consultations. In 3 months of peak monsoon season every year, I earn what the top surgeons would earn in the entire year, and my car waiting list is longer than their daily OT list. Thinking about residency days, I wondered - What is the point of walking out of your home at 7 am and returning home at 10 pm, just to fall into bed and then waking up again at 5 in the morning to restart the cycle. Unlike most doctors today, I did not want to lose touch with my loved ones and become a zombie, lost between the politics within the hospital and a total lack of social life– hence I took the flooded path less travelled, to open a car garage instead of a nursing home.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that taking inspiration from Dr. Matbann’s entrepreneurship vision, and looking at the success stories of MBA Chaiwala, B. Tech Chaiwala, Audi Chaiwala, B.Tech Panipuriwala and others, more medical aspirants want to now leave medicine and become MBBS (Miya Biwi Bachchon Samet) Carwala.

Kejriwal campaigning for election in spite of DKA, PG resident allotted thesis on him by guide.

Mumbai: In unexpected developments which have sent shock waves in the medical community, a Post graduate (PG) resident was given a thesis topic on the Delhi CM by his guide.

It is well known fact that endocrinologists across the world have been intrigued by the research done by the AAP leader’s lawyers on Diabetes Mellitus (DM), to verify if they have discovered a newer disease in itself or a newer variant of DM which is ‘aggressive, volatile and randomly undergoes a wide range of swings in blood glucose including episodes of hypo and hyperglycaemia’ based on the political situation in the country. Endocrinologists are also curious to find out if the symptoms were caused due to Modi-Shah, BJP, ED and CBI or related to pancreas and insulin.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, the guide Dr. K’abhi Matbann™ said, “High ketone levels in urine are suggestive of Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA), and such patients world over are immediately admitted to ICU and started on Insulin Infusion with large amount of IV fluids. We want to investigate how Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal is still campaigning for election and attending rallies since his bail, without any signs of Kussmaul’s respiration. Also, it needs to be studied why politicians suffer from high blood pressure, high sugar, cardiac problems in jail, and suddenly become normal once they are out”.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the multi-speciality hospital where the CM claimed to have consulted his physician now plans to file a defamation case, and have clarified that their TAT (Turn around time) for whole body PET-CT and Holter monitoring was within 48 hours, and not 5-7 days as claimed in the bail extension application.

The Gift of Life

A 30 year old male, with an alleged history of poisoning, was brought by his brother and father to my emergency department. For the 1st time in my life, I read someone’s suicide note (which fell out of his pocket during resuscitation). Trust me, the experience of reading someone’s last words, and his helpless elderly father holding my feet in a public area of the hospital to somehow miraculously save his young son, was mentally traumatic.

Over the past 14 years of being an emergency physician, I have seen a 11 year old boy hang himself when asked to study by his father, a 22 year old female slash her wrist after a break up, 13 year old girl drink 'Harpic' when stopped by parents to use Facebook, 17 year old with cocaine intoxication, etc, just to mention a few, among the many suicidal cases which I have seen so far, and will continue to see in years to come.

I write this because I get deeply disturbed by such instances of people, including children act GOD. They have no right to take away the happiness of their loved ones. Why has life suddenly become so cheap? Why is it that people foolishly & impulsively decide to end their lives? Why be so selfish? It is the worst thing in life for a parent to give a ‘kandha to the arthi’ of their own child. Where do people get that kind of heart and strength from? In most cases, it is just 1 moment of stupidity or a fit of rage.

A few facts straight from my psychiatry book - A person commits suicide every 6 minutes in India - Method: Poisoning > hanging > throwing oneself in front of a train - Incidence: Males > females - Age group 18-30 years.

Though some might argue that it takes courage to take away your own life, in my eyes such people were cowards who leave their family mourning and struggling, looking at the lifeless bodies and an irreparable future. It is disappointing to see the current generation of kids and young adults growing up with social Media, computer games, movies, relationships, sex, drugs, etc spoiling the naïve mentality and innocent childhood of most of them.

Before people do stupid things that can threaten life, I wish they could come to a hospital, and visit the Emergency Department or the ICU to see what DEATH can be like. You can see the fear of death in many patients’ eyes. They know it is coming; it is just a matter of when. While some prefer to cry with the relatives, some look out of the window in hope of a new world, and others prefer to stare at God’s image and chant prayers written next to it, and so on. I understand that man is mortal, we all have the same destination, but for those who don’t value their existence, is life so painful that death is like a garnish on the celebration?

Yes, one fine day our world will collapse, the present will become past, people will move on and all that will remain will be memories. We all will grow old, get weak, become dependent on others; it is a natural progression from being a carefree child, to an independent adult, to an old person requiring support again, before the party is over. It is my sincere request to everyone reading this. PLEASE VALUE WHO YOU ARE AND APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE. VALUE THIS GIFT CALLED LIFE AND MAKE THE MOST OF IT. IF YOU EXPECT MORE FROM LIFE, WORK HARD. There are no shortcuts to success.

The solution in many cases is ‘communication’. Mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. Neither is talking about it. If this article can make even a single person think again before taking that drastic step, my intention to write this will be rewarded.

Dip in patients availing OPD services worries doctors, want husbands to intervene.

Mumbai - Amid the ongoing exam-vacation season, the healthcare sector across the country has been hit hard with a low footfall of patients coming for Out-patient department (OPD) facilities and planned admissions. This has left most general physicians (GP) worried and scratching their semi-bald heads.

Data published by a private organization has found that, ever since the exams began in March this year, there has been an 80% decline in patients rushing to clinics and nursing homes for routine OPD services and emergencies.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the President of the GP Association of India said, “OPD footfall has stagnated, so have elective procedures. Patients are avoiding clinic visits as much as possible. Though people may say that these are 'healthy months', they actually are 'unhealthy months' for the doctors. Only husbands can now help the healthcare industry bounce back, by not allowing their wives and kids to go to their in-laws for months together in the after-exam summer vacation. A wife and 2 kids – 3 members out of a regular family of 4 being away is a big blow to our fixed client base.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the 'visionary' idea by doctors has been out rightly condemned by most husbands, on grounds that they actually look forward to those 6-8 weeks of annual peace and weekend parties with friends while their wives and kids are away, and they only have to send a daily ‘miss you’ morning message.

Taking cue from airline and hotel industry, doctors set to introduce dynamic pricing for OPD consultation.

Mumbai: In a bold decision which might disrupt healthcare industry globally, the Quack Doctors Association of India (QDAI) announced today that, similar to the dynamic pricing of airline tickets, hotel bookings and cab aggregator platforms, the OPD consultation charges of doctors will also be made dynamic soon.

Starting 1st April’ 2024, OPD consultation charges will be an outcome of a multitude of factors, such as the number of questions of patients based on their Google search, the % mortality of their Google diagnosis, the number of pages of reports with irrelevant graphs brought to OPD at the time of consultation, the total number of doubts of patients clarified like questions about Eosinophil report marked in bold on the CBC when most doctors don’t even know the interpretation beyond Hb-WBC-Platelets, the total number of bills found in the patient file before finding the relevant medical record, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann, the current president of QDAI said, “Dynamic Pricing is the inevitable future of traditional retail, and our association’s decision to charge OPD consultation as per dynamic pricing is a welcome move. Apart from better time management per patient, it will help doctors increase their patient OPD footfalls by offering discounted costs. The strategy will also benefit patients, as doctors will be able to offer affordable charges. For example, our decision to implement Rs. 100 per page of laboratory or radiology report is a nominal fee, and patients will think twice before bringing pages full of irrelevant reports including hormone levels, when only CBC-Creatinine-Electrolytes were prescribed”.

Speculations have emerged that the OPD consultation charges are set to surge significantly after the decision is implemented, and might lead to patients going back to consulting neighbors, relatives and street magicians for home remedies.

Doctorzoned !!

Disclaimer : Jaise prescription pe likhte hai, ki this is a suggested brand only, and it is not binding on the patient to buy the same brand, waise hi mera disclaimer hai ki this poem is written in a light mood, so please don’t take it seriously.

Aap sabne FRIENDZONED toh suna hi hoga…. jab ek ladka ek ladki ko patane k liye uski bahut help karta hai, par end mein uska MOYE MOYE ho jata hai – C kat jata hai…. Aur friendzoned ka spot diagnosis hai ki jab wahi ladki aapke sath bike par baithti hai, aur dono k beech mein apna bag rak k ek diwar bana leti hai… then you know you’ve been friendzoned.

Waise hi, meri kavita ka shirshak hai ‘DOCTORZONED’ – aur yeh baat kuch saal pehle k real events se inspired hai, jab main 30 ka tha aur mere bhi adipose tissue wali jagah pe protein se bhari toned muscles hua karti thi…

XXX

Ek din ek 25 varshiye hassena meri OPD mein ayi,
Phir detail mein usne apni chief complaint aur 100 % mortality wali Google ki diagnosis batai,
Kaha maine, ki ghabrao mat, meri dawi leke tum ho jaogi theek,
Follow up with all reports and prior appointment after 1 week…

“Doctor, can I pleaseeeeee get your number? puch usne mujhe Ketamine k dissociative anaesthesia jaise apne maya jaal mein fasaya
Promise, I will only call you in emergency sunke mera dil phislaya, aur maine usse number batlaya,
Phir kya… agle kuch mahine tak Whatsapp pe free consultation aur uske rishtedaaron ki reports share karne ka silsila chalta raha,
Uske Good morning, Good night, forward messages se mera bhi core temperature aur heartrate badta raha…

Kuch 3 mahine baad uski daadi ICU mein admit hui pneumonia k sath,
Socha ki ilaaj aur clinical counseling k baad keh dunga usse apne dil ki baat,
Same counseling ka action replay karwane k liye phir usne baat karai apne baap se,
Number dial karke boli, Doctor Uncle baat karenge aap se...

Doctor Uncle sunke mere pairon tale zameen khisak gayi,
aur gyat ho gaya k Krish picture k Rohit Mehra ki tarah meri medical shaktiyon ka bhi galat istemaal kiya gaya hai,
Ussi din kasam khayi aur aj tak maine apna personal number kisi mariz ko nai diya hai…
Ussi din kasam khayi aur aj tak maine apna personal number kisi mariz ko nai diya hai…

Khota hua Bachpan

Kahan kho gaya woh samay,
Jab zameen pe tippe maar kar nali mein padi hui ball saaf ho jati thi,
Dusri society k ladkon k sath cricket k match hua karte the,
Jab chappalon, ya pattiyon se lakir kheech football k goalpost banaye jate the,
Jab garden mein hath pakad sakli kheli jati thi,
Ek k upak ek pathar rakh lagori kheli jati thi,
Jab Buildingon mein bacche chor police and chupam chupai khelte the,

Aj sunsaan pade hain who jhule, jinke liye kabhi line hua karti thi,
Aj buildigon mein khelne ki jagah gaadiyon ne leli hai,
Aur doston-khilonon ki jagah mobile ne leli hai,
Mobile ek aisa yantra hai jisne bacchon se unka bachpan cheen liya,
Usne Camera, Ghadi, music player ko toh khatam kiya hi diya hai,
Par dukh ki baat toh yeh hai ki wah rishton ko bhi khatam karta ja raha hai.