Grand junior breaks locker, Interns to mislead.

Mumbai: In a jaw dropping never before seen incident at LTMMC yesterday, a grand junior Pranshul Kamdar broke the locker of an intern (identity withheld), 5 years his senior, on finding that the intern had 2 lockers in the reading room (RR) while he himself had to everyday piggy back all his fat 1st year books including the useless Cunningham. 

In times when the grand juniors are usually seen quietly slipping down the staircase due to the fear of being caught by the seniors for ‘introduction’, have lunch in the distant ‘khopcha’ (corner) of the canteen, Kamdar’s courageous act to break the locker and argue with the angry intern has made him an instant hero in college.  While his He-Man act has managed to catch the eyes of most females in LTMMC, 1st year batch mates are already hailing him as a future General Secretary of the Student Council. Kamdar has meanwhile been elected as the class representative to be the face of the batch for getting ragged & to take attendance every day after lectures for the next 4.5 years. 

“The only reason I joined LTMMC was because the prospectus clearly states that unlike other medical schools, we would be provided with a full cadaver to cut individually, there are facilities of a gymkhana, basketball court, a locker allotted to your name and good looking female seniors, otherwise I was getting AIIMS MBBS through all India PMT. While all other things turned out to be fake like the news article on Faking News: Doctor’s Lounge which angered me, I decided I will at least by the 1st year itself be a proud owner of a marble locker in the RR which I’m officially entitled to”, said Kamdar. 

Angered by the incident, all mama interns have now unanimously decided to boycott the grand juniors and misguide them regarding books and study methods to survive in the MBBS jungle for 5.5 years. They have also threatened to not attend the Intern’s social (an event hosted by the grand juniors for the outgoing interns in LTMMC) till the culprit Kamdar does not return back the locker, with a ‘replaced same to same lock’ or offers a bottle of Old Monk to the victim intern.

Medical College k woh din...

Jab exam mein invigilator strict ho, copy karne na mile toh dukh hota hai,

Par Roll Number ke hisab se middle row ki 1^st bench aa jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab exam mein tum aur tumhara best friend fail ho jayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par tum latak jao aur tumse copy karke woh dost pass ho jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab barish mein naye leather shoes bheeg jayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par hostel mein jab 3-4 din tak underwear na sukhen toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab medical ki padhai ke chakkar mein tum salon tak ghumne na ja pao toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab non medical dost Facebook par foreign trip ki photo dalen toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab internship mein Registrar aur Houseman tumse khana-xerox mangwayen toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab kamine unn Xerox ya khane ka paisa na den toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab batch ki sabse hot ladki tumhe bhav na de toh dukh hota hai,

Par tumhare best friend ki woh girlfriend ban jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab pata chale ki batch ki sabhi achi ladkiyan booked hain toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab Junior batch mein achi ladkiyan aa jayen aur tum ghur na pao toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab girlfriend se breakup ho jaye toh tute dil ko dukh hota hai,

Par jab who Ex-Girlfriend jald hi naya boyfriend pakadle toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Jab socho ki zindagi ke 9-10 saal padhai mein, saade jeevan mein laga diye toh dukh hota hai,

Par jab unn medical college ke dinon ko yaad kar aakhon se aasun tapke toh jyada dukh hota hai.

Veterinary physicians who study pharmacology can soon practice allopathy in india.

Mumbai: In a proposal which could further cripple the healthcare sector, already facing the heat due to the moronic government policies, the Health Department has said that veterinary physicians with Bachelor's degree in Veterinary Science (B.V.Sc.) could soon be allowed to prescribe and practice modern allopathic medicine.

With the government’s failure to attract adequate number of students to join MBBS due to the rural bond, 2 crore surety for super-specialization courses, putting a cap on consultation and surgery charges, allowing cross pathy, attack on doctors, etc, this move could sound the death knell for modern medicine in India.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Prime Minister Modi said, “It is not possible legally to allow animal doctors to practice human medicine which they have not studied. Similar to allowances currently given to AYUSH doctors in 13 states, animal doctors wishing to practice allopathy will also have to study human pharmacology. It will be a full course of one year and they will be allowed to practice only after they clear the examination. We wanted to make sure that parents tricking children by scaring them of the ‘ghode wala injection’ at the doctor’s clinic would be a reality before 2019.”

This move has, however, faced stiff objection and opposition from the Indian Medical council (IMA), which fears it could “make way for more quackery”.

“Although there is no denying the fact that humans have started behaving like animals again, allowing integrated practice of human and animal medicine will result in increased number of medical negligence cases. It is unfortunate that our views have not been considered,” a senior IMA member said.

This move is likely to give legal sanction to some 75,000 vets enabling them to practice allopathy.

Indian 'Saas Bahu' serials making viewers retarded, Doctors perplexed.

Mumbai: In a study which has perplexed neurologists and radiologists across the world, it has been found that Indian ‘Saas Bahu’ TV serial viewers suffered from early cerebral atrophy than those who did not watch, and that they are hazardous to the human brain.

In a double blinded randomized control study on the idiotic and irritating Indian TV serial viewers over 10 years, it has been found that the serials have added 0 % intellectual growth in its viewers, with shows defying all logic and have made many sane viewers go retard over time. With serials which seem to have no end but are more like ‘Draupadi ka cheer’ instead, the study concluded that India is fast slipping into becoming the greatest nation in the world when it comes to dumbness.

From Sasural Simar Ka to Saath Nibhana Saathiya to Balika Vadhu, the rotten Indian TV soap industry has now made a reputation of pretty much having the same core theme - a good for nothing husband and a powerful/cruel mother and their innocent Daughter in law; daughter in law facing all kinds of cruel treatments from the family; unbelievable number of kidnappings / injuries /divorces, etc; and the family's favorite time pass being organization of functions every next episode with dance performances without any reason. Unconfirmed reports have claimed that even the actors of these serials laugh after watching the brainless sequences.

The Indian Neurology Society has called for a ban on these serials with legal proceedings against their directors for fooling and making people dumb. The ruling BJP government has meanwhile supported the study and claimed that Congress President Rahul Gandhi’s low IQ was also due to these serials, with mother Sonia rubbishing the claim and stating that ‘he’ was just an untimely accident.

Medicine is no longer lucrative, my prophecy from 2005.

Just happened to find the following scribbled on a piece of paper, and realized it was my impromptu debate competition speech during SLICE at LTMMC’ 2005. 

Remember the time when you were small and sick. The next moment you see a doctor holding a big syringe ready to pull your undies down and give you the hell like feeling. Was that a good feeling? No my friends….not for me at least.

History repeats itself and here I am today going through the same time. Surely I am going to heaven when I die because I am already going through hell.

On this note, respected judges, teachers and my dear friends, I am Mohit Garg and I am going to speak on Medicine is no longer lucrative.

Medicine, the so called golden field is now turning black - Blackened by the privatization of colleges, by the commercialization of this profession, the rural MO ship issues and the flourishing quack business. Along with this, you get a garnish of the risks of occupational hazards. 1 drop of semen can give you a life, and 1 drop of patient’s blood can ruin your life.

Patients have now become customers for the doctors. Medicine now remains only for the rich. See your non doctor friends, moving ahead in life, getting married, enjoying a good family life; and by the time they have a Mercedes, we will be looking for loans to buy a motorcycle.

I advise you to kindly spread this message, those who want to experience life of a mama, come to a medical college. You’ll all turn out to be a ‘speksy, taklu, frustrated, depressed, sex starved and a patient in the psychiatry OPD yourself. By the time you finish medical school, even your girlfriend will look like a maid.

I would like to end this by a great saying, Medicine is like a public toilet, people inside wanting to get out and people outside rushing to get in. For those pursuing it, Medicine will be like a spider which gets entangled in its own web.

The ‘Untold’ truth about Medical CMEs.

Disclaimer – The following article ‘may’ be a work of fiction and is meant purely for sarcasm and humor, reader discretion is advised. 

1. The major motive of CMEs is not to impart updated knowledge / information but to increase in-patient (for admission) referral by attending GPs.

2. Most doctors attend CMEs only for the CME points and unlimited buffet food.

3. Confirmed attendance of the doctors can be doubled or may be tripled if free & unlimited alcohol is on the menu.

4. Those presenting posters and presentations at such CMEs do it only to show off photographs on Facebook and Instagram. Group photos are uploaded on LinkedIn as publicity stunt and marketing gimmick by hospitals & companies.

5. Many doctors attend CMEs to utilize their conference leaves, turn the trip into a vacation (if it is in another city) and also to claim travel allowance from their hospitals/medical colleges.

6. The registration fee of most paid delegates is usually sponsored by a pharmaceutical company, and so is the entire CME.

7. The most dressed person in the entire auditorium is the girl who brings the bouquet/memento to be handed over to the speakers / dignitaries.

8. Most of the slides in everyone’s presentation are from Google search, or inspired from Slideshare.

9. The same presentation already shown by someone will be shown again after few years by the same person.

10. There will always be 1 person in the audience who will click photograph of every slide, and will never see them ever again.

11. There will be few ‘ectopics / question banks’ in the audience who ask irrelevant question during presentations to gain unnecessary attention of other people.

12. A major chunk of the audience is filled up with medical students, interns and residents who are forced to attend for filling up the empty seats in the conference hall.

13. Residents and Interns staying in hostels start preparing for the CME by ‘fasting and starving’ 3 days in advance.

14. The caterers at the CME have to make extra arrangements for ‘Non vegetarian’ dishes, Paneer pieces and sweet dishes.

15. The boredom of the medical students & interns reaches its peak once the data presentation, sensitivity, specificity, and all the other biostatistics ‘bouncers’ appear on screen.

16. A proxy attendance by resident doctors (for their fellow colleagues) of the hospital hosting the CME is also a common practice, after all who will refuse a free certificate and some CME points.

17. Many interns/residents are under the misconception that by mentioning ‘Attended ‘XYZ’ Conclave/CME’ in their resume/CV, helps their chances of securing a job.

18. Also present in the crowd are few ‘cross specialization’ doctors who are short of CME points for their registration renewal, eg. Dermatogist attending a gynecology conclave.

19. Except the first 3-4 rows, most members of the audience will be found continuously on their smart phones and regularly checking Facebook and Whatsapp, ‘WAITING’ for their patient/staff to call.

20. People drop their business cards in such CMEs in expectation of getting some benefit out of it, which is a myth only.

21. The left over / blank CME certificates are never wasted and can be given to friends in desperate need of points.

22. The string of the delegate entry ID card for the CME is also never thrown away and is always recycled for household purposes.

23. No CME is complete without the mandatory return gift of ‘Letter pad, pen and folder’. A real icing on the cake is a participation certificate.

24. It may be a good tactic to serve lunch before the CME, only flipside being the increased somnolescence due to Post lunch hyperglycemia.

25. CMEs are an excellent cure for insomnia, which is fine as long as the person sleeping does not snore loudly.

Protect the hands that Heal...Honor your Doctor.

Disclaimer: A work of fiction or based on true events, I will leave it for the reader to decide.

Scenario – A 70 plus elderly gentleman is brought to the Accident & Emergency Department of a hospital in an unconscious, unresponsive state with no recordable pulse, blood pressure and spontaneous respiration, by an auto rickshaw driver.

No identity of the patient known, No past medical and surgical history available, no mobile phone available (to contact family), no wallet or identity card with the patient.

History - Patient was driving somewhere (alone), felt uncomfortable, stopped his car by the roadside to ask for help, collapsed on stepping out of the car, 3-4 by standers rushed to help, an auto rickshaw driver stopped and volunteered to take the patient to the hospital, none of the bystanders accompanied the patient, patient is drowsy in the auto but manages to tell auto driver to rush patient to the emergency department, becomes unresponsive en route to hospital.

Once the patient reaches the emergency department, the entire team of doctors and nurses sprung into action and all life saving measures were initiated. CPR is started immediately, all life saving drugs were given as per ACLS protocol, patients was intubated, but no ROSC (return of spontaneous circulation) was achieved even after 30 minutes of intense efforts. Code was called off and patient was declared dead on arrival.

A pouch is later found in the patient’s belongings with a pass books and few thousand rupees which he probably would have withdrawn from a bank. On the passbook is a landline number through which the doctor is able to contact his old wife (after multiple attempts of getting in touch), takes the number of his son who was in office from her, calls him too and asks them both to rush to the emergency department. No update regarding the patient’s condition is given to the family members on the phone.

Medico-legal case formalities were initiated and since the cause of death was not known, the police was informed.

Anything wrong or atypical in this scenario? I’m sure many doctors would have come across such events at some point in their career.

Shockers (after the family was told of the turn of events and that the patient was dead):

1) The doctor is questioned by the son that why does he have to pay the bill if the patient was declared ‘dead on arrival’ and if the hospital was not issuing the death certificate.

2) The doctor is threatened by the son, “What if I refuse to pay the bill?”

3) The auto rickshaw driver is questioned that the patient’s phone was missing.

My questions to the readers and the society in general:

1. Why is there so much mistrust against the medical fraternity? Why can’t people think that doctors and nurses try to do their best to save someone’s life, they too are humans, and have emotions, and that it takes much more than courage to see life and death everyday!!

2. Should the doctors and the nurses not even try saving an unaccompanied patient’s life brought to the emergency and directly taken a flat line ECG instead?

3. Why should a hospital write off the entire bill of an affording patient for providing life or limb saving emergency services, when the treatment was initiated without caring for the patient’s ability to pay or not and there was no deficiency of services?

4. Would the son have reacted the same way and questioned the efforts put by the medical team, had the father miraculously survived and managed to reach the ICU even with a guarded prognosis?

5. If educated & English speaking people can indirectly threaten the doctor of putting false allegations that the body of the deceased is forcefully being kept by the hospital for non-payment of dues, what can the medical fraternity expect from the lower socioeconomic people?

6. If an uneducated auto rickshaw driver can offer to help (without caring about any legal hassles), why can’t other bystanders and onlookers come forward?

Conclusion - After 4 hours, the bill was finally cleared by the son who showed no remorse for his actions of questioning the credibility of the doctor and the medical team.

The phone was left by the patient at home, later discovered by the wife.

I really wonder what will change the perception of the society in general that all doctors are heartless cheats, and a hospital is only a money making business enterprise. The future of healthcare and humanity surely doesn’t seem bright!!

Doctors - Heal Your Profession.

Dear Doctors,

Our fraternity is in danger!

Your years of hard work & experience are being questioned and scrutinized!

Headlines in newspapers like ‘Doctor arrested’, ‘Doctor beaten up’, ‘Nursing home vandalized’, ‘Doctor caught accepting bribe’ are becoming increasingly common. The Prime Minister’s statements against the medical fraternity in London recently have also put a blot on our profession on international stage. In such testing times, we have to stand together. Today it may be someone else, tomorrow it can be you!

Be rest assured, none of your patients, their relatives, the clubs (Rotary/Lions/NGOs) for whom you regularly conduct health awareness talks or programs will stand up for you. You will have to stand up for yourself and face the reality. Reality that the laws are anti doctor, the media is anti doctor, the SYSTEM IS ANTI DOCTOR, the definition of the doctor patient relationship is changing. No matter how good, empathetic, compassionate, clinically sound you might be, patients and their relatives will label you as a money sucking professional, a pimp and a devil who survives and thrives on the misery of others.

This is the sad truth of what is being portrayed today by the media. Death happening at the hand of ‘quacks’, raids at the nursing home of unregistered practitioners, and those culprits are portrayed as ‘Doctors’. We are all aware to what level the media has fallen. News can be planted, media houses can be bought and muted, rumors can easily be spread on social media, a person’ image can be tarnished within seconds, because all responsible and moral journalism is dead.

I want every doctor to take a pledge today, a promise for a safe and secure future for themselves and their family.

1. Make sure you document your clinical notes in clear, legible handwriting, and that it is dated and timed.

2. Don’t rely completely on your resident doctor alone, but cross check if his/her orders are correctly written too.

3. Make sure that patients and relatives are regularly updated about the treatment and the improvement/deterioration in patient’s condition.

4. Always explain the criticality and prognosis of the illness to the patient and their relatives.

5. Be sensitive while declaring death – in a private room, in presence of someone, with clear communication.

6. Do not speak ill of your colleagues. Work place politics or jealousy is present in every industry, but it should not be visible in front of patient or relatives.

7. Be extra cautious in all medico-legal cases; double cross check all your documentation.

8. Do not try to treat patients beyond your specialization. There is nothing wrong in taking cross referrals.

9. Do not prescribe any medication without examining the patient through phone or any electronic media.

10. Charging consultation fees is your right, no one can dictate terms on it.

11. Always make sure the procedure consents are completely filled and duty signed, all possible complications are entered and explained to the patient/ relatives.

12. Don’t let your personal, family or social life suffer due to your profession. Take care of your own health. Also, it is good to hang out with your work colleagues.

13. Don’t get emotionally attached to your patients.

14. If opportunity comes, go abroad. You will be valued more as a doctor there and the quality of life will surely be better than that in India currently.

15. Order only those diagnostics tests which are indicated and can be interpreted by you.

16. Avoid taking phone calls during a consultation, unless indicated.

17. Have patient education brochures and fliers in your clinic / department.

18. Write your medication prescriptions in both generics and trade (brand) names.

19. Documentation of your Communication and Communication of your Documentation is the extremely important today.

20. Think twice before encouraging your children to pursue medicine as a profession, to go through the suffering of this failed system. Please don’t!!

And for the few bad sheep in the medical fraternity who are tarnishing the image of this profession, it is my sincere request to you to stop accepting any gifts/presents from the medical representatives; stop accepting any cuts/commission for any reference to higher centre, diagnostic laboratory or imaging centre. I’m sure you’ll make enough money, have a better quality of life and a peaceful sleep without getting involved in such malpractice.

It is high time we all stick together to bring this professional back to its lost glory and trust.

"Black buck died of cardio-respiratory arrest, committed suicide," claims vet.

Jodhpur: A day after Salman Khan walked out of the Jodhpur Central Jail, a local veterinary doctor has claimed that the 2 black bucks in question had committed suicide and he had himself certified ‘cardio-respiratory arrest’ as their cause of death.

The sessions court in its decision yesterday had given Khan ‘benefit of doubt’ with the observation that ‘Bhai is always innocent’. He has to be pardoned for his 'good conduct' and 'charity' to the judges, which successfully kept him out of jail for 20 years with generous ‘tarik pe tarik’ by them.

“Salman was framed by fabricating evidence for actually saving a dear fawn stuck in the bush!! The veterinary doctor’s claim proves what we had been saying all along. There is no doubt that the police and the forest department fudged the case and manipulated unreliable witnesses,” said the controversial actor’s counsel Feku Vakil in a statement to the Quackdoses.

The Bishnoi community, predictably angry at the decision of the sessions court, has rubbished the doctor’s claim and has approached Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal to verify if the B.M.V.Sc degree (Bachelor in Masters of Veterinary Science) was fake, and that it will file a petition in the Rajasthan high court challenging the grant of bail to the actor.

Shocked patient gets shocked after Mediclaim gets approved.

Mumbai: In a surprising incident which has perplexed even the learned medical pundits at the Quackdoses, a 32 year old IT professional Sujit Deshmukh who had recently recovered from neurogenic shock suffered from neurogenic shock again when his mediclaim was approved without any queries or running around in various departments of the hospital which he was admitted in.

It is a well known fact that medical insurance companies have now become more pain than gain; and that they are there to deny, delay, confuse and refuse policy holders. Instead of making life easier for both the insured and the insurers, they actually end up doing the opposite by finding ways to deny coverage. They’ll do anything to avoid paying, because if they wait long enough, they know the policyholders will die. At the same time, they exploit the bad handwriting of the doctors to fabricate words and reject claims. The disclaimer are the end of their television advertisements too are read so fast that no one can humanely understand and comprehend what was being said but blindly adhere to their terms and conditions.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses (from his hospital bed), Deshmukh said, “My wife had suddenly and unusually started caring for me and loving me more than she did in the last 11 months. Before I could realize that it was all because of the appraisal month of March with its salary day coming close, my blood pressure fell and I started having dizziness on seeing her with a glass of water as soon as I entered home after office. I faked a fainting spell but the doctors named it neurogenic shock and admitted me in the hospital. Now I actually suffered from it when my claim got passed without any hassles.”

It has now come to light that the Mediclaim Insurance company doctor was facing a similar situation at the hands of his better half and sanctioned the claim on humanitarian grounds with no questions asked.

Man claims his mother "vibrates", research on new symptom underway.

Mumbai: In a never before reported incident in the history of medical science, a man has claimed that his mother who was having fever since 2 days has started “vibrating”.

Mobile shop owner Pappu Pager who brought his sick mother to the Emergency Department at the Quakdoses Multispeciality Hospital made the perplexing revelation. When the duty doctor tried to explain that she could just be shivering, Mr. Pager argued, “My mother’s teeth were not chattering but instead her entire body was “vibrating” and my credibility should not be questioned as I have been part of this mobile industry since the days Nokia launched the mobile phones with a vibrator.”

Among intense pressure with the general public already scared from the COVID 19, the information of the new symptom has been conveyed to WHO and the writers of Harrisons Principle of Internal Medicine who have sent their representatives Dr. Arun Swaminathan and Dr. Deepak Kumar Singh respectively to investigate the matter.

The treating Physician Dr. K'abhi Matbann has however refused to comment on the developments and the patient’s management till the complete blood workup reports are available.

Meanwhile, The Quackdoses Hospital & Research Institute has been flooded with queries from young women for existence of any drug which produces “vibrations” as its primary effect if given to their boyfriend or husband.

P.S- This is a true incident when a man told me, "Mummy ko 2 din se bahut fever hai and aj subah se toh woh bahut "Vibrate" maar rahi hai."

Bridge course only for AYUSH practitioners draws ire, compounders protest.

Mumbai: Compounders across India are strongly opposing a provision in the National Medical Commission Bill, tabled in the parliament recently that seeks to allow AYUSH practitioners (Ayurveda, Yoga and Naturopathy, Unani, Siddha and Homoeopathy) practice modern (allopathic) medicine after clearing a bridge course.

The Compounder’s Association of India are up in arms against the proposal saying it is akin to “giving legal sanction to quackery in the country” and that they should also be allowed to learn the bridge course.

In India, the number of quacks - from hakims with no education at all, to qualified vaidyas with an affinity for prescribing allopathic medicines - has increased. Most compounders are graduates and even school dropouts who are employed as ‘helpers’ but often start running their own ‘clinics’ after ‘experience and training’ under MBBS doctors for few years.

In an exclusive interview with The Quackdoses, Dr. Jhola Chaap said, “Compounders are entrepreneurs who have picked up bits and pieces of medicine through informal apprenticeships and built up large practices on their own. It takes years of study and discipline to become a compounder of modern medicine. The new bill will lead to an army of quacks in the country, and we want to be part of that army. Allowing compounders to legally take up integrated practice will not only help in curbing quackery but also ensure that maximum people get timely treatment.”

Meanwhile, Veterinary physicians have also demanded similar 6 month bridge course instead of the proposed 1 year course in pharmacology to practice allopathy, as exclusively reported by the Quackdoses recently.