12 days to go for my mid term exams…..I am studying, but with a shallow heart…I feel a sense of emptiness in life, a sense of missing something…..just now I got a message from my teacher & my friend Dr. Prayag (who I know one day will be one of the best cardiologists in India, I know ,he will) which said, “I want to go back to the time when getting high meant on a swing…when drinking meant apple juice…when dad was the only hero…when love was mum's hug…when dad’s shoulder was the highest place on earth…when the only thing that could hurt were wounded knees…when the only things broken were toys…when goodbye meant only till tomorrow…now we realize life has changed so much.” …..tears trickled down my eyes….this is what I was feeling…. I found the answer to my emptiness…this is what I’ve missed.
Today, my grandfather fights for his life everyday with congestive cardiac failure with LVEF of 20 % post two myocardial infarctions, bilateral renal artery stenosis , chronic renal failure, hypertention, diabetes…. Still after his angioplasty I am here 1400 km away….on the road to be a doctor…helpless…my tears don’t stop…I tell my family there to be strong…..but deep down I’m scared of the reality…the sun sets in everyone’s life one day.16 years that I’ve been in Mumbai, I don't even remember spending 100 days with him, yet I remember every moment spent with him…..today when I should have been by his side, the tough path of medicine that I chose is not so flexible to give me too much time…a medical undergraduate’s life is demanding.
A person doesn’t feel so bad when he does not have something in life but it feels worst when he has something and it goes away…this is what happened to me….I am not looking to sympathy…but it did not stop me…it only gave me strength, more courage to fight life…I realized that this is what life is and this is how it is meant to be…a fight to the finish….I studied hard all these years in spite of all the hassles in life ….to be on the road to fulfill a dream that I saw since school ….but feeling sorry for what all this hard work and my tough times have taken away from my life…..my childhood, the time I should have spent with my family, playing without worry, a sense of everything being perfect, a feeling of a father telling his son, “ Don’t worry, I’m there”….I didn’t get it….my parents, my brother were going through the turmoil too....I kept working harder with a smile on my face, burying the tears… I wore a false mask…but continued the journey ….walking the path only in hope of good time in the future….
6th February'2007, my dad got a heart attack…10th February midnight ,I remember standing outside the ICU receiving calls for my birthday as I cursed God for the Birthday gift that he had sent me….my world had broken apart, all dreams shattered…Over the period that followed, I had broken down to the core …depressed….. Next two years, I was no longer interested in my studies….I couldn’t take it any longer…the real Mohit had slowly been smothered by life….but today, with things looking better and thanks to few of the God sent angels in my life (they know that), I feel like getting back to what I was…to be the real me….the kind of person I am from mind, body, heart and soul…..
But the feeling of the missing pieces in my life’s puzzle will always remain because I know that time is gone, never to come back again…..leaving memories…forever…I wish I could go back in time to relive those lovely moments that have become history....I wish I could :(
