PCA staff spot diagnoses patient, wins employee of the month.

Mumbai : In an incident which has become a beacon of hope for many of the patient care assistants (PCA) working in hospitals, an emergency department PCA at the famous Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital was awarded the employee of the month after spot diagnosing a patient with Status Dramaticus.

It is a well known fact that apart from the emergency ‘bread and butter’ cases like chest pains, abdominal pains, fevers, injuries, etc, most Indian hospital emergencies also cater to a large population of young women working in corporate companies who regularly visit emergencies to sort out their domestic personal problems and relationship issues.

In an exclusive interview, the now famous PCA Sachin Helpkar said, ”I quickly ran with a stretcher when a ‘bus’ full of office employees with a young unconscious female sitting on the front seat stopped at our emergency ramp. As soon as I saw that she was continuously blinking her closed eyes and had tears in her eyes, I knew it was a clear case of Status Dramaticus. Similar to how 100s of people stop their vehicles on a busy road to help a ‘Papa ki pari or didi’ on a stalled scooty, 10s of office employees regularly swarm our emergency to check on such female colleague as if it’s their official field trip. Usually the symptoms subside when the worried boyfriend or the husband comes running and apologizes, otherwise 99% of such patients always respond to stuffed gauze full of ether or spirit on their nose – the other 1% being actual Status Epilepticus.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the PCA Helpkar has been invited to contribute a chapter on Status Dramaticus in the upcoming 22nd edition of the Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine.

Food from OT tiffins goes missing, surgeons under the scanner.

Mumbai : In an incident which has sent shockwaves in hospitals across the country, the mystery of missing food from tiffins kept outside the Operation Theatres (OT) has deepened further with OT staff now accusing surgeons of randomly picking tiffins and emptying them.

It is a well known fact that unlike in the West where most surgeons prefer to take a heavy breakfast before beginning long surgeries, in order to maximize their daily number of cases (and the money), apart from the patients being NBM (Nil by mouth) for 6-8 hours, most Indian surgeons also show up NBM to the OTs.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Kutting Dey, the Head of GI surgeries at the Quackdoses hospital said, “The five rules for survival in the surgical world are - eat when you can, eat whatever you can, sleep when you can, drain pus and don't mess with the pancreas. This is part of our basic training from residency, and pretty much like how our non surgical friends are groomed to borrow pens from the nurses and never give them back. During surgeries, it is frustrating to see the anesthesiologist sipping coffee and chilling, while we are trying our best to avoid the vital structures while dissecting, it's bleeding now and then, and there's fluctuation in blood pressure – a prolonged stress which increases our cortisol levels, increases appetite and cravings. OT staff who are complaining should understand that the benefit of a successful surgical procedure outweighs the risk of assisting a starving surgeon. On the bright side, we tend not to be choosy if there is any tiffin kept on the common area table.”

An official statement issued by the Hungry Surgeon’s Association of India, has rubbished the statement by Dr. Dey calling them his personal views, and 'like for everything', has blamed the anaesthsiologists for the missing OT food.

Patient undergoes Robotic Circumcision, refuses to pay surgeon.

MUMBAI: In an incident which has sent shock waves in the surgical community, a patient admitted at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital refused to pay the surgeon’s fee after undergoing a robotic circumcision.

Robotic surgeries, although facing stiff resistance from the insurance companies, is now slowly becoming the preferred choice for most surgical procedures. With the advent of the fast-growing AI based technologies and robotics, surgeons are already scared that they might soon become an extinct species in the coming decade.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, patient Dis’Kount Dey said, “The surgeon had offered me 3 methods of circumcision – by open method, laparoscopically or by minimal access through the testicles, and by robotic surgery. He counselled me that robotic surgery offered the fastest recovery, hence at the insistence of my wife, I opted for it. During the surgery, I was shit scared that the robot might cut off more than what I had consented for. To my dismay, I was shocked when I realized that ‘Robodoc’ ⟨™⟩ did my complete surgery, while the surgeon was busy playing some video game on his hi-tech gaming console. What should I pay the surgeon for, for playing on his joystick while ‘Robodoc’ dangerously played with mine? ”

Furthermore, rubbing salt on the surgeon’s wound, the patient gave 5 star rating on Google reviews to ‘Robodoc’ instead, with a special mention about the elderly assistant nurse who let him see the excised foreskin after surgery and politely asking him, “Sir-come-see-son.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after knowing that the patient only paid for the consumables, OT charges and for the anesthesiologist’s coffee, the disgruntled surgeon has refused to do the patient’s follow up dressings.

OPD footfalls decline, Doctors announce Chintan Shivir.

Mumbai : Taking cue from the ‘expected & predicted’ Chintan Shivir of the Congress party after their poll debacle in the upcoming Delhi Elections next month, the Quackdoctors Association of India (QAI) have announced a three-day brainstorming Chintan Shivir in Mumbai of their own.

The shadow of dwindling OPD footfalls in-spite of the end of the vacation time / New Year fever, and ‘healthy months’ lasting more than they should, has made the medical fraternity worried. Around 400 quacks are expected to attend the Chintan Shivir.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, president of the QAI said, “Medical profession is no longer a white collar job. Charted Accountants have GST work all round the year apart from ITR filings, lawyers are busy with litigations perennially, but doctors are now out of work most months of the year, except the monsoons. Also, the government’s strict action on the pharmaceutical company which took 30 doctors to Paris and Monaco for improving their ‘knowledge’ recently, and subsequent action on those doctors for professional misconduct needs to be contemplated upon. The association will introspect in the next three days how to embark on a new direction by confronting various challenges to pave the way for our bright future, and of the future generation of Quacks. If needed, like the visionary leader Rahul Gandhi (pun intended), we will also undertake a nationwide ‘Kashmir to Kanyakumari Patient Jodo’ yatra to revive the connection with our trusting consumers.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that similar to the standard ‘Please correlate clinically’ written on radiology reports, as a solution to the low footfall problems, QAI has communicated to all its members via various Whatsapp groups to write ‘Please Visit Again’ on their prescriptions and prominently display it in their clinics too.