Get admitted, Discounts based on your Google Review Stars, says Hospital.

This hospital has a Google Review discount system.

Mumbai : In an unusual way to draw in more patients, a hospital in the city is offering discounted billing to patients based on their Google review stars.

It is a well known fact that as patients are growing increasingly savvy about ‘doctor shopping’, they’re openly asking for discounts that apply to anything from OPD visits and radiology services to surgeries and dental procedures. Especially after the pandemic, even hospitals are trying to appeal to their ‘customers’ using several special discounts models: get 52 parameters, pay for only 1 laboratory package; spend Rs. 5 lakhs and get 5 % discount on your next admission; buy a main course from the hospital canteen and get 1 tablet of Metformin for free, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Rate Kamkar, the chairman of Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital said, “One word that can bring a huge smile to anyone’s face is ‘discounts’. Isn’t that so true? I mean, who on this earth does not like discounts, and nothing like discounts on Hospital bills? In our endeavor to make our organization the highest rated - No. 1 hospital in the world, even above Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins Hospital & Cleveland clinic, we came up with this revolutionary marketing strategy. Patients have to give online reviews at the time of processing admission, so that they are back home safely (wicked smile), and their relatives have to give reviews at the time of discharge, for discounts. The higher your Google rating, the higher the % discount. Our motto is simple - We treat your illness and scars, get discounts based on your stars!”.

A huge majority of Netizens simply loved the idea of this hospital and called it a superb innovation which will be a game changer in health care globally. Many applauded the hospital for such an amazing idea. In the hope of getting maximum discounts, many of the patients from their hospital beds have also shared screenshots of their reviews on Instagram, Facebook and Linkedin. 

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that to maintain their 5 star rating, although the hospital is offering a little extra discount to those giving long written feedback, the hospital management has also secretly instructed the billing team to overcharge those patients giving negative online reviews at the time of discharge.

‘Wannabe Celeb’ with sub-acute intestinal obstruction (SAIO) passes flatus, posts achievement on LinkedIn.

 

Mumbai: In unexpected development which has hyper stimulated peristalsis of general surgeons and gastroenterologists around the world, a LinkedIn post from a patient having successfully passed flatus has gone viral on social media.

In a short post uploaded on LinkedIn with a photograph of the patient on his bed and a hashtag YOLO below (You Only Live Once), the patient claimed that he was ‘thrilled, honored, privileged, excited, proud and happy’ to have been able to butt-burp after spending 2 days in the hospital, under the care of renowned surgeon Dr. Fartkar. The post was reportedly written from the bed at the notorious Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital.

“Ever since I came to the hospital, everyone – right from the emergency doctor, to the surgeon and his assistants, the radiologist and the nurses have been constantly asking the same question – niche se hawa nikli kya? The surgeon even poked me in my rectum when I replied in the negative. LinkedIn is the perfect platform to be self congratulatory, shit-post vast amounts of trivial nonsense daily and give advice no one asked for, hence I too decided to post about this major achievement which means a lot to my treating team,” said the patient (identity withheld), adding that while a loud fake sound was used to let the nurse know, the anal air pressure he felt was real.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that when the hospital confronted the patient for breach in their ‘no photography’ policy and informed that his final bill will be hiked as penalty, the patient innocently claimed that he did it for fun and did not know his post would go viral on social media. The patient’s mobile phone and laptop have been seized by the hospital, and investigation is on to ascertain whether Dr. Fartkar had masterminded the post for personal marketing.

है कोई जवाब?

कया आप जानते हैं की कितना मुश्किल होता है हमारे लिए किसी की मौत देखना, खासकर एक डॉक्टर की।

फिर भी ईस विषय पर सोसाइटी में शर्मसार करने वाला एक सन्नाटा है, जिसके लिए मैंने कुछ चंद पंक्तियाँ लिखीं है।

 
**********

कहां छिप गए वो मुफ्त कंसल्टेशन माँगने वाले,
कहां छिप गए वो व्हाट्सएप पे 25 पन्नों की लैब रिपोर्ट भेजने वाले,
कहाँ छिप गए वो मुफ़्त मेडिकल सर्टिफिकेट माँगने वाले,
और कहां छिप गए वो खुद को दोस्त बताने वाले

कहाँ हैं वो थाली बजाने वाले,
कहाँ हैं वो कैंडल जलानें वाले,
कहाँ हैं वो हॉस्पिटल पे फूल बरसाने वाले,
और कहाँ हैं वो डॉक्टरों को भगवान बतलाने वाले।।

कहाँ मर गए वो नारे लगाने वाले,
कहाँ मर गये ट्विटेर पे वो झूठे आसुं बहाने वाले,
कहाँ मर गए वो अवार्ड्स लौटाने वाले, 
और कहाँ मर गए वो टीवी के न्यूज़ चैनलों पे चिल्लाने वाले।। 

क्या डॉक्टर आज बन गए हैं इतने लाचार,
की नहीं मच रहा उनकी मौत पे कोई हाहाकार,
क्यों नहीं हो रहा सोशल मीडिया पर इसका भी प्रचार,
और क्यों नहीं लगाता अब कोई सरकार से गुहार ।।

अभी भी नहीं जागे तुम, तो देश एक दिन रोयेगा,
एक एक करके जब वो अपने, काबिल डॉक्टरों को खोयेगा,
अगर मरते रहे युहीं सबकी जान बचाने वाले,
तोह कैसे कोई इंसान यहाँ सुकूँ की नींद सोयेगा,
तोह कैसे कोई इंसान यहाँ सुकूँ की नींद सोयेगा ।।

Save the Saviour !!

Yes we are nerds…we are geeks…we are those hard working, selfless doctors who have sacrificed a lot and gone through hell to be one. For as long as I remember, we are those who have burnt the midnight oil all through childhood, teenage years and early adulthood…been hardworking toppers, disciplined, brilliant winners throughout.

Right from getting into medical college after cracking the entrance exams (in 1,2 or 3 attempts), we give our best so that we can live up to the dreams and hopes in our parents’ eyes. Slogging hard, going through innumerable exams, vivas and more exams, we have no social life at all except restaurants and theatres near the medical college. We miss out on our family lives, cousin’s marriages, family functions, new year celebrations, festivals like Diwali, Navratri because we are always busy studying for the mid-term, ward exams, prelims or the university exams.

Unlike engineering and commerce courses requiring 2 months of studies just before half yearly and final exams, for us time literally comes to a standstill for approximately 6-7 years studying 365 days a year during M.B.B.S to become a doctor. The medical college becomes our home, our playground and fellow students our family. Even after completion of M.B.B.S, we stand nowhere in the current scenario. The days of a General Practitioner are over.. Then we start preparing for a second rat race and we go back to what we are best at…Sitting and studying for post-graduation….having the most boring, frustrating, and sedentary life one can imagine. By the time we get our graduation degrees, most of our contemporary friends are already done with their Masters. And then there is the ‘Rural MOship’ where you are supposed to serve 1 more year in some village or tribal area just because we chose to be a ‘ Life saving Doctor’ or pay an impossible amount of money to the Government.

Sitting and studying for 1-2 years preparing for post-graduation, not necessarily getting into the branch of your choice and compromising in life, and then living life like a dog for 3 years during post-graduation is so saddening. And then we start our lives when our school and college friends are well settled living their lives happily after marriage with their children. And when we do come out of the long dormant period, all we realise is the true meaning of life…it is not in money, fame…but in small little things of everyday life, being with family…. Yes, we doctors do get rich eventually but at the age when we cannot enjoy their own money, because the time we should have been ‘alive’, we were stuck in our books.

Looking at the shocking news of a 31 year old resident doctor who was raped and brutally murdered in the seminar hall of her medical college – principal being appointed to another medical college within hours of resignation – goons attacking protesting resident doctors and vandalising the medical college - silence of most politicians and so called 'celebrities' on the issue rocks me to the core. What kind of a savage society are we really living in?

Though I’m a very passionate emergency physician with complete dedication to my work and my patients, with the way things are (and only getting worse), I’m inclined to wonder if it is really worth the grind? Should hard working youngsters be discouraged to even look at medicine as a career option in India… for people who think being a doctor is cool, noble, respectable and would want to be one…. think again, the typical Indian mentality, the politics, the laws in this country will never change…it is not worth risking YOUR OWN LIFE.

Student leaves medicine to become a car mechanic, earns more than top surgeons.

Mumbai : In a jaw dropping career shift which has made other doctors regret their career option, success story of a student who dropped out of medical college to become a car mechanic has gone viral on social media.

With only 6 percent of doctors being happy with their jobs according to one survey, it is a well known fact that doctors have now become like everyone else: insecure, discontent and scared about the future, wanting to give up their medical profession & move to a physically & mentally safer environment. In fact, physicians are so bummed out that 9 out of 10 doctors would discourage anyone from entering the profession.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the visionary millionaire mechanic said, “Over the last few years of monsoon, we have seen that corrupt municipal corporations of most metro cities only claim to be rain-ready, but it is a common site to see flooded roads, severe water logging, cars submerged or floating in water like fishes, and extensive traffic snarls making the surroundings look like an aquatic landscape. Unlike in medicine where a sick patient first consults their neighbors, relatives, Google, and domestic help before actually consulting a doctor, people directly come to us to fix their cars, without ever asking for free repairs or discounts on consultations. In 3 months of peak monsoon season every year, I earn what the top surgeons would earn in the entire year, and my car waiting list is longer than their daily OT list. Thinking about residency days, I wondered - What is the point of walking out of your home at 7 am and returning home at 10 pm, just to fall into bed and then waking up again at 5 in the morning to restart the cycle. Unlike most doctors today, I did not want to lose touch with my loved ones and become a zombie, lost between the politics within the hospital and a total lack of social life– hence I took the flooded path less travelled, to open a car garage instead of a nursing home.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that taking inspiration from Dr. Matbann’s entrepreneurship vision, and looking at the success stories of MBA Chaiwala, B. Tech Chaiwala, Audi Chaiwala, B.Tech Panipuriwala and others, more medical aspirants want to now leave medicine and become MBBS (Miya Biwi Bachchon Samet) Carwala.

What's your biggest achievement ?

“Sir, I stayed back just because of you.”

“Sir, you took care of everyone like a cocoon.”

“Sir, whenever you’re there on duty with me, I know nothing will go wrong, no matter how serious the patient may be.”

These were some of the words from my residents during an impromptu get together of my department last week, which was also a farewell treat for 2 of my residents who had worked in our A&E for more than 1-2 years.

As sad and emotional I am (which I don’t express) to see them leave for personal (marriage) / professional growth, there is a sense of pride that wherever they go, I’m sure they will excel with the knowledge, training and experience they’ve gained with us.

I will soon be completing 3 years with my current organization, and I was left wondering what the biggest achievement for me would be here, and in the other organizations where I’ve set up the A&E departments from a relatively clean slate – was it the protocols, the paperwork, the SOPs, the policies, the increase in revenue, improvement in quality of care, the awards, the trophies, etc?

But nothing seems to come close to the satisfaction & sense of TOUCHING LIVES, being successful in CREATING AN ENVIRONMENT, A CULTURE IN THE DEPARTMENT which is friendly, positive, educative, calm; an environment where your juniors feel valued, supported, feel safe, their mental health, their physical health, their family time, leaves are taken care of; with a clear vision that they learn, train, grow, up-skill themselves for their future and move forward in their journey with pride and gratitude towards their mentor, and know that they can always fall back on for guidance. This is surely the biggest achievement for a Head / Guide !!

Kejriwal campaigning for election in spite of DKA, PG resident allotted thesis on him by guide.

Mumbai: In unexpected developments which have sent shock waves in the medical community, a Post graduate (PG) resident was given a thesis topic on the Delhi CM by his guide.

It is well known fact that endocrinologists across the world have been intrigued by the research done by the AAP leader’s lawyers on Diabetes Mellitus (DM), to verify if they have discovered a newer disease in itself or a newer variant of DM which is ‘aggressive, volatile and randomly undergoes a wide range of swings in blood glucose including episodes of hypo and hyperglycaemia’ based on the political situation in the country. Endocrinologists are also curious to find out if the symptoms were caused due to Modi-Shah, BJP, ED and CBI or related to pancreas and insulin.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, the guide Dr. K’abhi Matbann™ said, “High ketone levels in urine are suggestive of Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA), and such patients world over are immediately admitted to ICU and started on Insulin Infusion with large amount of IV fluids. We want to investigate how Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal is still campaigning for election and attending rallies since his bail, without any signs of Kussmaul’s respiration. Also, it needs to be studied why politicians suffer from high blood pressure, high sugar, cardiac problems in jail, and suddenly become normal once they are out”.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the multi-speciality hospital where the CM claimed to have consulted his physician now plans to file a defamation case, and have clarified that their TAT (Turn around time) for whole body PET-CT and Holter monitoring was within 48 hours, and not 5-7 days as claimed in the bail extension application.

The Gift of Life

A 30 year old male, with an alleged history of poisoning, was brought by his brother and father to my emergency department. For the 1st time in my life, I read someone’s suicide note (which fell out of his pocket during resuscitation). Trust me, the experience of reading someone’s last words, and his helpless elderly father holding my feet in a public area of the hospital to somehow miraculously save his young son, was mentally traumatic.

Over the past 14 years of being an emergency physician, I have seen a 11 year old boy hang himself when asked to study by his father, a 22 year old female slash her wrist after a break up, 13 year old girl drink 'Harpic' when stopped by parents to use Facebook, 17 year old with cocaine intoxication, etc, just to mention a few, among the many suicidal cases which I have seen so far, and will continue to see in years to come.

I write this because I get deeply disturbed by such instances of people, including children act GOD. They have no right to take away the happiness of their loved ones. Why has life suddenly become so cheap? Why is it that people foolishly & impulsively decide to end their lives? Why be so selfish? It is the worst thing in life for a parent to give a ‘kandha to the arthi’ of their own child. Where do people get that kind of heart and strength from? In most cases, it is just 1 moment of stupidity or a fit of rage.

A few facts straight from my psychiatry book - A person commits suicide every 6 minutes in India - Method: Poisoning > hanging > throwing oneself in front of a train - Incidence: Males > females - Age group 18-30 years.

Though some might argue that it takes courage to take away your own life, in my eyes such people were cowards who leave their family mourning and struggling, looking at the lifeless bodies and an irreparable future. It is disappointing to see the current generation of kids and young adults growing up with social Media, computer games, movies, relationships, sex, drugs, etc spoiling the naïve mentality and innocent childhood of most of them.

Before people do stupid things that can threaten life, I wish they could come to a hospital, and visit the Emergency Department or the ICU to see what DEATH can be like. You can see the fear of death in many patients’ eyes. They know it is coming; it is just a matter of when. While some prefer to cry with the relatives, some look out of the window in hope of a new world, and others prefer to stare at God’s image and chant prayers written next to it, and so on. I understand that man is mortal, we all have the same destination, but for those who don’t value their existence, is life so painful that death is like a garnish on the celebration?

Yes, one fine day our world will collapse, the present will become past, people will move on and all that will remain will be memories. We all will grow old, get weak, become dependent on others; it is a natural progression from being a carefree child, to an independent adult, to an old person requiring support again, before the party is over. It is my sincere request to everyone reading this. PLEASE VALUE WHO YOU ARE AND APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE. VALUE THIS GIFT CALLED LIFE AND MAKE THE MOST OF IT. IF YOU EXPECT MORE FROM LIFE, WORK HARD. There are no shortcuts to success.

The solution in many cases is ‘communication’. Mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. Neither is talking about it. If this article can make even a single person think again before taking that drastic step, my intention to write this will be rewarded.

Hospitals facing scarcity of doctors, Project 'Save the RMO' launched.

Mumbai: Amid the growing demand for MBBS RMOs in the country, a recent census has set alarm bells ringing when it indicated that their population has been steadily and significantly declining over the years.

As more and more RMOs ‘fall prey’ to post graduation, super-specialization and work opportunities abroad, this wake-up call has prompted the Indian Healthcare industry to launch one of the world's most ambitious conservation projects – ‘Save the RMO’, on similar lines as the successful 'Save the Tiger' project.

A panel set up by the government has recommended that as part of the ‘Save the RMO’ project, to lure and fool MBBS graduates, they will be given a minimum monthly ‘CTC’ of Rs. 1 lakh, along with permission to come late 5 days a week, no biometric punch-ins for attendance, free wi-fi, unlimited food, 5 star accommodation, etc – much like the election manifestos and freebies offered by most political parties before elections.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann™, CEO of the Quack Multispeciality Hospital said, “With most MBBS graduates going into hibernation to prepare for the NEET PG exams immediately after their internship or working for only 4-6 months in an organization before taking their marriage or PG study break, it is getting extremely difficult for HR departments to find qualified RMOs to work in Emergency departments, ICUs and Wards. With almost every corporate hospital now suffering from scarcity of MBBS RMOs, and the number of RMOs decreasing day by day, we need to take preventive measures to ‘save their endangered species from getting extinct’. Our long term plan of this ‘Save the RMO’ project will be one of the finest examples in the annals of conservation globally. It will not be matched anywhere in the magnitude, scale and effort.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the initiative has been welcomed by the freshly passed MBBS graduates, who have demanded that they will join as RMOs, only if the minimum basic pay is at par with the Internal Medicine Consultants.

Dip in patients availing OPD services worries doctors, want husbands to intervene.

Mumbai - Amid the ongoing exam-vacation season, the healthcare sector across the country has been hit hard with a low footfall of patients coming for Out-patient department (OPD) facilities and planned admissions. This has left most general physicians (GP) worried and scratching their semi-bald heads.

Data published by a private organization has found that, ever since the exams began in March this year, there has been an 80% decline in patients rushing to clinics and nursing homes for routine OPD services and emergencies.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. K’abhi Matbann, the President of the GP Association of India said, “OPD footfall has stagnated, so have elective procedures. Patients are avoiding clinic visits as much as possible. Though people may say that these are 'healthy months', they actually are 'unhealthy months' for the doctors. Only husbands can now help the healthcare industry bounce back, by not allowing their wives and kids to go to their in-laws for months together in the after-exam summer vacation. A wife and 2 kids – 3 members out of a regular family of 4 being away is a big blow to our fixed client base.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the 'visionary' idea by doctors has been out rightly condemned by most husbands, on grounds that they actually look forward to those 6-8 weeks of annual peace and weekend parties with friends while their wives and kids are away, and they only have to send a daily ‘miss you’ morning message.

Taking cue from airline and hotel industry, doctors set to introduce dynamic pricing for OPD consultation.

Mumbai: In a bold decision which might disrupt healthcare industry globally, the Quack Doctors Association of India (QDAI) announced today that, similar to the dynamic pricing of airline tickets, hotel bookings and cab aggregator platforms, the OPD consultation charges of doctors will also be made dynamic soon.

Starting 1st April’ 2024, OPD consultation charges will be an outcome of a multitude of factors, such as the number of questions of patients based on their Google search, the % mortality of their Google diagnosis, the number of pages of reports with irrelevant graphs brought to OPD at the time of consultation, the total number of doubts of patients clarified like questions about Eosinophil report marked in bold on the CBC when most doctors don’t even know the interpretation beyond Hb-WBC-Platelets, the total number of bills found in the patient file before finding the relevant medical record, etc.

In an exclusive interview with us, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann, the current president of QDAI said, “Dynamic Pricing is the inevitable future of traditional retail, and our association’s decision to charge OPD consultation as per dynamic pricing is a welcome move. Apart from better time management per patient, it will help doctors increase their patient OPD footfalls by offering discounted costs. The strategy will also benefit patients, as doctors will be able to offer affordable charges. For example, our decision to implement Rs. 100 per page of laboratory or radiology report is a nominal fee, and patients will think twice before bringing pages full of irrelevant reports including hormone levels, when only CBC-Creatinine-Electrolytes were prescribed”.

Speculations have emerged that the OPD consultation charges are set to surge significantly after the decision is implemented, and might lead to patients going back to consulting neighbors, relatives and street magicians for home remedies.

Doctorzoned !!

Disclaimer : Jaise prescription pe likhte hai, ki this is a suggested brand only, and it is not binding on the patient to buy the same brand, waise hi mera disclaimer hai ki this poem is written in a light mood, so please don’t take it seriously.

Aap sabne FRIENDZONED toh suna hi hoga…. jab ek ladka ek ladki ko patane k liye uski bahut help karta hai, par end mein uska MOYE MOYE ho jata hai – C kat jata hai…. Aur friendzoned ka spot diagnosis hai ki jab wahi ladki aapke sath bike par baithti hai, aur dono k beech mein apna bag rak k ek diwar bana leti hai… then you know you’ve been friendzoned.

Waise hi, meri kavita ka shirshak hai ‘DOCTORZONED’ – aur yeh baat kuch saal pehle k real events se inspired hai, jab main 30 ka tha aur mere bhi adipose tissue wali jagah pe protein se bhari toned muscles hua karti thi…

XXX

Ek din ek 25 varshiye hassena meri OPD mein ayi,
Phir detail mein usne apni chief complaint aur 100 % mortality wali Google ki diagnosis batai,
Kaha maine, ki ghabrao mat, meri dawi leke tum ho jaogi theek,
Follow up with all reports and prior appointment after 1 week…

“Doctor, can I pleaseeeeee get your number? puch usne mujhe Ketamine k dissociative anaesthesia jaise apne maya jaal mein fasaya
Promise, I will only call you in emergency sunke mera dil phislaya, aur maine usse number batlaya,
Phir kya… agle kuch mahine tak Whatsapp pe free consultation aur uske rishtedaaron ki reports share karne ka silsila chalta raha,
Uske Good morning, Good night, forward messages se mera bhi core temperature aur heartrate badta raha…

Kuch 3 mahine baad uski daadi ICU mein admit hui pneumonia k sath,
Socha ki ilaaj aur clinical counseling k baad keh dunga usse apne dil ki baat,
Same counseling ka action replay karwane k liye phir usne baat karai apne baap se,
Number dial karke boli, Doctor Uncle baat karenge aap se...

Doctor Uncle sunke mere pairon tale zameen khisak gayi,
aur gyat ho gaya k Krish picture k Rohit Mehra ki tarah meri medical shaktiyon ka bhi galat istemaal kiya gaya hai,
Ussi din kasam khayi aur aj tak maine apna personal number kisi mariz ko nai diya hai…
Ussi din kasam khayi aur aj tak maine apna personal number kisi mariz ko nai diya hai…

Khota hua Bachpan

Kahan kho gaya woh samay,
Jab zameen pe tippe maar kar nali mein padi hui ball saaf ho jati thi,
Dusri society k ladkon k sath cricket k match hua karte the,
Jab chappalon, ya pattiyon se lakir kheech football k goalpost banaye jate the,
Jab garden mein hath pakad sakli kheli jati thi,
Ek k upak ek pathar rakh lagori kheli jati thi,
Jab Buildingon mein bacche chor police and chupam chupai khelte the,

Aj sunsaan pade hain who jhule, jinke liye kabhi line hua karti thi,
Aj buildigon mein khelne ki jagah gaadiyon ne leli hai,
Aur doston-khilonon ki jagah mobile ne leli hai,
Mobile ek aisa yantra hai jisne bacchon se unka bachpan cheen liya,
Usne Camera, Ghadi, music player ko toh khatam kiya hi diya hai,
Par dukh ki baat toh yeh hai ki wah rishton ko bhi khatam karta ja raha hai.

Patient diagnosed with depression, blames Bajaj Finance.

Mumbai: In an incident which has perplexed even the learned psychiatrists in the country, a young patient diagnosed with depression has shockingly blamed and sued Bajaj Finance for it.

The 30 year old male Mr. Loande has sued Bajaj Finance for discrimination, on the grounds that he had not received even a single phone call from the company ever!

It is a well known medical fact that being the target of discrimination can stir up a lot of strong emotions including anger, sadness, and embarrassment; and people often get stuck on episodes of discrimination, because they’re not sure how to handle those experiences which can lead to depression.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Mr. Loande said, “All my friends get multiple phone calls every morning from Bajaj Finance, HDFC Bank (k behalf pe), Just Dial, etc, for pre approved loans or free credit cards, but they have never called me so far. My friends often boast of how they now relieve their stress every morning not by doing Kapalbhati with Baba Ramdev, but by giving mother-sister swear words learnt from Virat Kohli to those Bajaj Finance marketing executives. Because of them, I have to now pay a psychiatrist for his expensive and critical analysis about myself, which my wife anyways gives me for free, daily.”

Unconfirmed sources have now claimed that Bajaj Finance has now ordered an internal enquiry to investigate how Mr. Loande’s number was missed out, and have instructed their executives to strictly ensure he gets a call for loan, before he pulls his pants down to use the washroom every morning.

Doctor caught red handed, was watching CME slide photos.

Mumbai: In an incident which has sent shock waves among the medical fraternity, a city based doctor, known for clicking photos of almost every slide in all CMEs he ever attended, was caught red handed reading them at home.

It is a well established fact that, these days, most delegates often click photographs of the important slides shown during a CME, but never refer to them ever again. Also, every medical CME in India has at least one such character (ectopic) who while sitting in the front rows, ‘irritatingly’ clicks photos of every single slide shown during a talk, making others nervous if they missed something important.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Photuwala's wife said, “My husband is well known in the medical circle, to be the only person awake during all post lunch sessions of the CMEs. Many CME organizers specially invite him so that at least 2 people will stay awake during the full talk, the speaker, and him. His phone has more photos of other people’s PPT than mine or our kids, including the ‘Any Questions’ and ‘Thank You’ slides. I was in utter disbelief when I saw him actually going through the slides of the last CME he attended, something which had never happened in the past.”

Unconfirmed reports have claimed that Dr. Puchle, famously known as the attention seeking ‘Question Bank Doctor’ has also announced his retirement from asking dumb questions during CMEs, and will no longer be attending any future talks due to his ill health.

Professional Rules for happy life

More than 70 % of my colleagues / juniors from Emergency Medicine are working in UK, and the others too who chose to work in India seem to be making frequent job changes where they're prioritising 'Career Growth over loyalty'. 

Employee attretion has over the years also become an issue in the country, especially in the healthcare sector. This can also to attributed to the fact that there has been a change in the way the current generation wants to lead there life. The generation of our grandparents worked for 'Survival', the generation of our parents worked for 'Standard of Living', and the current generation works for 'Quality of life & work-life balance'.

Over the last few days, I have often wondered if based on my experience in various organisations, if there were any pearls of wisdom I'd like to share with youngsters / freshers / budding doctors of tomorrow / working professionals. 

Today, I decided to jot down my PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE on what should be the professional rules for a happy life.

Note: No offence to anyone. You're free to have your own perspective.

1. Work with Honesty – Dedication – Devotion – Discipline - Sincerity. Always do the right thing, even if no one is watching. Remember, there are no shortcuts to success.

2. Avoid gossiping about work or any colleague with anyone – not at work, nor at home. Come – do your Job – Get Paid - Leave. (This includes any informal chats on Whatsapp with colleagues; screenshots are often being used as evidence these days).

3. Be Punctual – Come on time, leave on time. Don't get into the habit of working overtime. It will only increase your work, not your salary package.

4. Do not take work back home. Learn to disengage & disconnect as soon as you step out of your workplace.

5. Do not work to please an individual or for appreciation. Let your results talk for themselves.

6. Do not get involved or affected by workplace politics. It exists, it will always exist. But always stand up for what is right and against your core values & principles.

7. Do not always be a ‘YES’ man. Sometimes, you have to say ‘No’ also to maintain discipline, dignity & self-respect.

8. Never get involved in relationships at workplace. It will always backfire one day.

9. Do not trust everyone at work. Not everyone is your friend, or wants good for you.

10. Do not share personal problems with colleagues at workplace. Half of them will want to know only because they’re curious, rest will be glad you have them.

11. Subordinates / acquaintances should be considered a Team – Not family. Correcting people or taking difficult decisions can often become difficult then.

12. Unless urgent, do not call or message your colleagues for work related queries, out of official working hours.

13. Never stop involvement in training & academics. Pass on your knowledge and skills to youngsters, you’ll grow with them.

14. No matter how busy you get, take out 1 hour of your every day, for your health, hobbies and personal space.

15. Plan and utilise your paid leaves – travel – go on vacations. It is extremely important to unwind and energise yourself.

16. Never be afraid to take the risk - go where you are appreciated and valued. There are brilliantly talented people everywhere who aren’t receiving the recognition and reward they deserve. But once they feel confident, start valuing themselves and leave from an environment that isn’t serving them, they thrive and grow. 

17. Never end on a sour note with your previous organisation / boss / Colleagues. You never know when you might need them for guidance or future references.

In the end, nothing matters except family, friends, home, health, work life balance and peace of mind.

I’ve found my inner peace, are you searching for yours?

Tum aur Main

Ret main ban jaunga, O Sanam,
Tum ek lahar banke ana,
Bharna mujhe aise baahon mein,
Apne sang lekar jana

Ishq ki, gehrayi ka, andaza tha na mujhe,
Darr hai, k dooba hun, main ab tere pyar mein

Kyun na tum aur main, bann jayen hum
Kyun na tum aur main, bann jayen hum

Waqt main bann jaunga O sanam,
Tum ek lamha banke ana,
Tujh mein main phir beet jaun,
Tum bhi mujh mein guzar jana

Tera yeh, jo saath hai, ek alag sa ehsaas hai
Zindagi, bitani hai, par ab tujh bin nahi

Kyun na tum aur main, bann jayen hum
Kyun na tum aur main, bann jayen hum

Meri ruh jaisi tu, ban mera sahara
Tera dil hi toh hai, mera kinara
Ban meri parchayi tu,
Kabhi mera, sath na chod jana

Jab roothegi tu, toh mana lunga main,
Bin kuch kahe tujhe, seene se laga lunga main

Kyun na tum aur main, bann jayen hum
Kyun na tum aur main, bann jayen hum

Citing rising unemployment, General Surgeons pitch to rebrand their specialization.

Mumbai : The General Surgeon’s Association of India (GSAOI), in its standing committee meeting today, approved the rechristening of their branch of specialization. Surgeons performing ‘non organ specific’ surgeries will now be called ‘Lumps & Bums Surgeons’ instead of ‘General Surgeons’.

Over the years, with more patients now seeking surgical treatment from super-specialists, there has been a drastic drop in ‘cutting’ practice of general surgeons. Euphoria over the name change had already caught up with them last month, when their association had sought suggestions from its members.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, a sobbing general surgeon (who did not wish to be named) said, “Plastic Surgeons have staked claim to the breasts, Orthopedic Surgeons have captured all bones with limbs, Neurosurgeons the brain, CVTS surgeons the Heart & lungs, Uro surgeons the kidney – ureter - urinary bladder, Gynaecologists the uterus – ovaries with the fallopian tubes, and Gastrointestinal surgeons have taken over of what’s left in the abdominal cavity. What have our fellow surgery colleagues left for us to operate on? How will we survive in this cut throat world when even a local GP calls himself a ‘Physician and Surgeon’?”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the plastic surgeons plan to oppose the renaming on the grounds that since they already do body contouring surgery, the 'bums' are already taken. The Oncosurgeons also don't wish to give away the 'Lumps', which has left many general surgeons with bleeding piles.

Speaker pushed off stage by moderator, hospitalized.

Mumbai : In a never before seen incident in the history of medical CMEs, the moderator of a CME pushed the speaker off the dais, surprisingly drawing cheer and celebration among the audience. It has now emerged that the moderator was upset that the speaker (identity withheld) did not stop presenting his PPT even after the warning bells.

It is a well known fact that many doctor speakers tend to keep ignoring the time frames, ignoring the signals, and keep talking well past the “safe-zone” (added extra time) of their presentation time, making the event organizers uncomfortable.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, the brave moderator Dr. Pushkar Dey said, “Already the audience looked bored and disengaged listening to him read paragraphs of texts – word to word from his slides. Even after my multiple warning bells, he kept on saying “last few slides, since we’re out of time, I will just take 2 minutes more, etc”. Most speakers take the hint and stop talking when a moderator visibly stands up and moves towards the stage. In spite of me directly going up and standing next to him, it did not deter him from talking. Amid growing audience impatience, I then had no option but to push him off the stage. A speaker who trespasses on the time of following speakers is far more impolite than I was. On the bright side, though sarcastically, but I did thank him on mic after the push, and also informed the audience that perhaps our speaker would be willing to answer additional questions offline during our break. But he was not”.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that the speaker had to subsequently be admitted to a local hospital for his injuries, which were sustained not due to the fall, but after forgetting his wife’s birthday which happened to be on the same day.

The Gift of Blood, Is the Gift of Life.

A young 17 year old student going to college for an exam was rushed to the Emergency after an accident on the highway, with a truck running over his pelvis and both lower limbs.

A young 25 year old, brought to the Emergency with a history of gunshot wound to the abdomen, and bleeding profusely.

A 65 year old elderly female, wheeled into the Emergency with profuse bleeding from a cancer which had spread to a large artery in the neck.

A young 29 year old female, recently married, rushed to the Emergency with acute pain in abdomen and diagnosed to be a ruptured ectopic pregnancy with massive hemoperitoneum (pregnancy outside the uterus, with large blood collection in the abdominal cavity).

A 53 year old male, local politician brought to the emergency after vomiting large quantity of blood.

All of these above mentioned patients are just few of the examples of the clinical cases I’ve witnessed and managed over the years, and are a common daily routine for Emergency departments all across the world.

A thing common to all of them was that they were all brought in a very critical condition – either with a very high or a low heart rate, low or non recordable blood pressure, breathing difficulty, confusion (alterations in mental status), cold limbs, and other clinical signs – all pointing towards varying degrees of life threatening shock – which can rapidly become fatal, even with immediate medical attention.

Another thing common to them was that they all survived – because they all received the timely ‘Gift of Life’ – Blood.

Every year millions of lives are being saved because of donation of blood and blood products. Apart from life threatening conditions like accidents & trauma, blood donation supports various major surgical, complex medical procedures (like patients with cancers related procedures such as chemotherapy, pregnancy complications, and those with blood disorders like sickle cell anemia, thalassemia and hemophilia), etc.

To state few facts about the requirement of blood in India - At every 2 second someone somewhere needs the blood - Every day more than 38,000 blood donations are needed - Each year a total of 3 crore blood components are transfused - On an average, we requires 5 crore units of blood every year. Unfortunately, only a meager of 2.5 Crore unit of blood is available.

Patients always thank doctors, appreciate hospitals. But seldom do we recognize and appreciate the vital role of the unsung heroes when in need – The Blood Donors and the Blood Bank staff.

On this occasion of ‘World Blood Donors Day’ today, I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank all of them, without whom it would not be possible to save the many lives that we do in emergency (and in hospitals), and encourage the masses to be a blood donor.

After all, there is no substitute present for human blood.

Donate blood, save a life.

Nurses Day 2023

When sickness and ill health come to hound,

Nurses move from patient to patient without a sound

Between a life and death they'll always stand,
And fight hard to give that life back, not leave your hand,

When no one seems to give or care,
You can count on our nurses, they're always there.

Tujhe Chahne ka...

Main bechen sa rehta hun,
Tu rahat jaisi lagti hai,
Khota hoon jab sapnon mein,
Tu andar mere jagti hai

Tuhi soch hai har subah meri,
Tujh se hi meri sham hai,
Yeh kaisa rishta hai k,
Har saans pe sirf tera naam hai

Tujhe chahne ka, hi toh jurm kiya tha,
Pal pal tadapne ki, tune saza de di…

Tum jitna soch nahin sakte,
Utni mohabbat karte hain,
Tum dikho ya na dikho fir bhi,
Didar tera hi karte hain

Na chand ki hai ab chahat,
Na hai taro ki farmaish,
Har janm mein tum hi milo mujhe,
Bas itni si hi hai khawaish…

Tujhe chahne ka, hi toh jurm kiya tha,
Pal pal tadapne ki, tune saza de di…

Wada hai jab tak jinda hain,
Sirf tujhko hi chaahenge
Dil se tumhe pyaar karte hain,
Poore dil se hi hum nibhaayenge,

Tujhe chahne ka, hi toh jurm kiya tha,
Pal pal tadapne ki, tune saza de di…
Ek baar tu aake, mera haath thaam le, 

Yeh dhadkanein chalti hain, ab tere naam se.

Tu Pehla Pehla Pyar

Deewanon sa, haal hai mera,
Kaisa jaadu yeh, tune kiya,

Kyun mujhe, tum satati ho,
Aake mere khwabon mein,
Dil par na, ab zor hai,
Kho gaya hun teri yaadon mein,

Tu pehla pehla pyar mera, Tu hi iqraar mera,
Tere bin main kaise jiyun,
Tere khayaalon mein, Raaton ko jagun main,
Chain na hai, na hai sukun.

Chadh jaye to, utarta nhi,
Ye ishq bhi, nashe se kam nhi,

Yeh kaisi, khwahish hai,
Mit ti hi nahi,
Ji bhar k tujhe dekhun main,
Nazar phir bhi hat ti nahi

Tu pehla pehla pyar mera, Tu hi iqraar mera,
Tere bin main kaise jiyun,
Tere khayaalon mein, Raaton ko jagun main,
Chain na hai, na hai sukun.

Dhunde tujhe, meri nazar,
Rehti nahin, mujhe apni khabar,

Uljha rehta hun sawaalon mein,
Kab sath honge hum,
Phir iss qadar tujhe, pyar karun,
K yeh zindagi lage kam.

Tu pehla pehla pyar mera, Tu hi iqraar mera,
Tere bin main kaise jiyun,
Tere khayaalon mein, Raaton ko jagun main,
Chain na hai, na hai sukun.

CME invitation goes viral, Knowledge thirsty doctors register in hordes.

Mumbai : In a revolutionary idea which might usher in a new era of medical CME invitation, the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital (QMH) sent out a symposium registration flyer stating ‘Applied for Cocktail Approval’, sending doctors into a frenzy on social media, Twitter and all medical Whatsapp groups in the country.

It is a well known fact that most CME invitations in Maharashtra now have ‘Applied for MMC (May-be Medical Council) points’ mentioned on them, as bait and in the hope that more doctors will pay and register for the conference. Also, it has been observed that, with or without credit points, CMEs where registration-invitation flyers mention ‘Dinner followed by cocktails’ always draw huge crowd and are a hit among the knowledge thirsty doctors.

In an exclusive interview with our Samwadata, the organizing secretary at QMH Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann™ said, “For our symposium titled ‘Alcohol is the medicine to life, and joining medicine is injurious to health’, we were yet to get formal approval for hospital sponsored cocktails from the management. Though it was a minor human error, where instead of ‘Applied for MMC points’, the typist mentioned ‘Applied for Cocktail approval’, our registrations are now full even before the last closing date. It truly reflects the enthusiasm among the doctors to interact with our distinguished speakers and panelists.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that maximum registrations were from NEET PG aspirants, in the hope of getting unlimited ‘neat’ fluid boluses.

Patient undergoes Robotic Circumcision, refuses to pay surgeon.

MUMBAI: In an incident which has sent shock waves in the surgical community, a patient admitted at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital refused to pay the surgeon’s fee after undergoing a robotic circumcision.

Robotic surgeries, although facing stiff resistance from the insurance companies, is now slowly becoming the preferred choice for most surgical procedures. With the advent of the fast-growing AI based technologies and robotics, surgeons are already scared that they might soon become an extinct species in the coming decade.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, patient Dis’Kount Dey said, “The surgeon had offered me 3 methods of circumcision – by open method, laparoscopically or by minimal access through the testicles, and by robotic surgery. He counselled me that robotic surgery offered the fastest recovery, hence at the insistence of my wife, I opted for it. During the surgery, I was shit scared that the robot might cut off more than what I had consented for. To my dismay, I was shocked when I realized that ‘Robodoc’ ⟨™⟩ did my complete surgery, while the surgeon was busy playing some video game on his hi-tech gaming console. What should I pay the surgeon for, for playing on his joystick while ‘Robodoc’ dangerously played with mine? ”

Furthermore, rubbing salt on the surgeon’s wound, the patient gave 5 star rating on Google reviews to ‘Robodoc’ instead, with a special mention about the elderly assistant nurse who let him see the excised foreskin after surgery and politely asking him, “Sir-come-see-son.”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after knowing that the patient only paid for the consumables, OT charges and for the anesthesiologist’s coffee, the disgruntled surgeon has refused to do the patient’s follow up dressings.

Patient Safety in India

We all know that 'To err is human', but did you know that a recent study by the Harvard University showed that more than 50 lakh patients die in India every year due to medical errors triggered by lack of practical knowledge among the doctors and nurses to handle patients when brought to the hospital.

India is an economy where government spends less than 2% of its GDP on health (with government hospitals characterised by chronic overcrowding, under-funding, and facilities perpetually stretched to the limit), lack of access to hospitals, lack of awareness, there is poor doctor-patient ratio (less than one doctor per 1,000 people), ill-equipped hospitals, insufficient number of labs and diagnostic facilities, absence of medical records of patients, etc. The picture of other healthcare workers, including nurses, is equally appalling.

Though most of us are well aware of these ills plaguing the healthcare sector in India, what is not often talked about are adverse events in ‘patient safety’.

Patient Safety is defined as a freedom for a patient from unnecessary harm or potential harm associated with provision of health care, including hand hygiene, surgery, injection, medication, blood transfusion, infection control and hospital waste management.

Not only in India, it is increasingly being recognized as an issue of global importance. 100s of incidents compromising patient care occur daily in hospitals across the country, but I personally believe that less than 1% of such potential harm actually get reported.

Let us look at few examples (which are just few of the incidents from the best of hospitals across the country I’ve worked with / know about), which I’m sure you’d have read nothing about, in any newspapers or on social media.

• A young patient operated for an abdominal surgery comes back to emergency after 5 days with pain in abdomen. Patient is sent for X-ray abdomen to rule out intestinal obstruction or perforation. X ray technician sees a scissor in the abdomen – informs emergency doctor – informs surgeon – patient is counseled for emergency surgery, without counseling for the diagnosis – No X-ray abdomen showing the scissor is handed over at time of discharge.
• An overzealous emergency physician thrombolysed a patient with an acute infarct, without waiting for the full MRI scan which shows a ‘hemorrhagic transformation’ & patient dies after a massive bleed in the brain – MRI cuts showing the hemorrhage on the initial MRI are not handed over the relatives.
• 2 patients die after ‘colorless’ Chlorhexidine is given as flush, instead of normal saline after inserting a central line.
• Patient becomes hypoxic and dies due to wrongful intubation in the esophagus, instead of the trachea.
• A young patient gets his arm amputated as a result of wrongful ‘direct’ injection in the ‘artery’ instead of a vein without the use of IV cannula.
• A patient has a urethral rupture after a young resident inflates the bulb of the catheter without inserting the catheter till the ‘Y’.
• An elderly patient’s gangrenous hand is amputated under local anesthesia (instead of general anesthesia) since the anesthesiologist on call will take some time to come and the surgery resident does not want to miss out on the 'cutting'.
• A senior doctor’s son, freshly graduated, is allowed to insert a central line. He inserts the guide wire all the way inside the jugular vein. CVTS Surgeon is then called to troubleshoot.

Such cases where patient safety is compromised hardly get reported by ANY hospital, unless patient files a medical negligence case against them. Things are only retrospectively discussed in internal hospital disciplinary or morbidity / mortality committees but never acknowledged, to avoid any dent in hospital's reputation and medico-legal litigation.

Hospital staff also voluntarily do not report errors or adverse events (with doctors themselves being reluctant participants), because when things go wrong news spreads fast like wild fire, and the search to find who is at fault is on. This can all too easily develop into a witch hunt, with the blame game shifting culpability from one person to another, who might then feel threatened in reporting such events.

Most of the Quality Accreditation bodies in the country also have their primary focus on checking only for policies, systems and documentation in the hospitals, with ignorance towards patient safety, and are slowly losing their credibility. In the private sector, attention to promotion of quality of care has been mainly driven by the business interest.

Also, external committees incorporated to investigate ‘medical negligence’ cases can usually be manipulated, and are often unfair & biased in their report due to the ‘contacts’ of hospitals & doctors.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about focusing on some of the PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS rather than the problem, and decided to jot them down.

• Delineation of patient safety and Quality, as they are both empirically different from each other.
• Once a problem is recognised, it needs to be talked and openly discussed amongst all the stakeholders - doctors, nurses, technicians, internal committee as well as the staff at all levels in a health facility up. The solutions are likely to emerge from sustained communications and dialogues.
• Every facility should develop a plan for training of staff, with regular workshops and training on Infection Control, hand hygiene and Patient Safety.
• A culture of reporting, discussion and learning from mistake needs to be developed at hospitals. We need a system for reporting errors and lapses of discipline even when no adverse event has occurred.
• Ensuring that patient safety processes are clearly communicated to patients and caregivers prior, during and after the medical intervention using different communication means such as videos, mobile apps, etc.
• Introduction of anonymous reporting system in healthcare facilities to be used by healthcare facility staff, students, residents, patients and families, or with the use of a ‘Ballot box’.
• Integration of web-based grievance system and toll-free helpline for Patient Safety.
• Implementation of standard treatment guidelines and treatment flows.
• The training need on patient safety for graduate curriculum for various cadres of health staff including doctors, nurses, laboratory technicians and pharmacists.
• Accreditation of healthcare facilities and strengthening quality assurance mechanisms.
• There is a shortage of trained medical personnel in rural areas. The only way to address this is to greatly increase the number of government medical colleges, increase government financial allocation and spending.
• Establishment of a safety culture and improving communication, patient identification and handing over transfer protocols in healthcare facilities. Mistakes are common and can be devastating when they occur.
• Robust analysis of the data and feedback mechanism on what is happening after implementing accreditation / quality improvement activities in relation to care and safety.
• In India, the Consumer Protection Act serves as a check / incentive to modern medical practitioners to provide high quality health care. Unfortunately, even this legal mechanism is not accessible to the poor.
• The ill-advised move of the government of India to allow graduates in Ayurveda to practice surgery must be stopped. It is impossible for Ayurveda to incorporate surgical techniques while ignoring the other domains of modern medicine. An epidemic of catastrophic complications, disproportionately affecting the poor can be expected if surgical procedures are performed by the poorly trained.
• Also, today’s medicine is increasingly becoming technology driven. New technologies create new methods for producing errors and constant vigilance is required to track these.

In the last 10 to 15 years, many initiatives have been taken by the Government of India and hospitals to improve quality of healthcare services and strengthen patient safety, yet, a lot still needs to be done.

By and large, patient safety errors occur because of bad systems and not bad people.

When the above measures are part of daily practice in an organisation, we can say the seed for a culture of patient safety in an institution is sown.

We must not forget that, patient safety is knowledge, it’s intentional, it’s a habit, it’s a way of life, and when it influences a group behaviour, it becomes a culture.

Child Within...

SONG VERSION :

Adulthood comes quickly,
That we don’t realise,
Inner child gets lost on the way,
As the years go by.

When we’re young, we wanna grow up fast,
Our innocence fades away, and won’t forever last.

The time that is gone,
Will not be back again...

Looking down the memory lanes,
Those joyful days and fights on games,
We never value, what they meant
And miss them later to repent.

Time slips through our hands, like grains of sand,
Why don’t we grow up, like we had always planned?

The time that is gone,
Will not be back again... 

How I wish, I could go back in time,
Live this life again, that childhood which was mine
Why am I so helpless, I wonder in pain,
When the Child Within craves, to grow up again…

The time that is gone,
Will not be back again...

ORIGINAL POEM VERSION:

Adulthood came so quickly, I didn’t realise,
Now,with my while coat and stethoscope,I look very wise,
But the child in me didn’t grow up,as time went by,
I searched within,now I know the reasons why…

How I wish I could go back in time,
Live this life again,that childhood,which was mine
Wish it had more colours,I wonder in pain,
So helpless I’m to that child, which craves to grow up again…

This is the irony of life…When we’re kids , we yearn to grow up quickly…run behind success, money, materialistic things, etc….and when we finally step into that phase of our lives and look back in time, how we wish we had never grown up…. :-(

Doctor uses ‘Corporate Hospital Lingo’ with wife, strategy backfires.

Mumbai: In an incident which has sent shock waves in the medical community, a doctor regretted his decision to use ‘corporate hospital lingo’ with his wife, when she asked him to take her out for shopping.

It is a well-known fact that in most corporate hospitals, for any demand by doctors to the management for any new equipment or a new process, justification has to be given if the demand is ‘desirable or essential’. Also, an explanation has to be given for any faults in the current equipment or ongoing process. On most occasions, the management comes out on top and is then able to smartly push the requirement for the next financial year, and the vicious cycle continues.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Pati Parmeshwar said, “For the past few months, every time the salary got credited in my account, my wife would ‘unrealistically’ demand that I take her out on a shopping spree or a movie, hand over my credit card to her, buy her a new I-phone, etc. Initially I could pacify her with my boss’s standard strategy on me by telling her that there were budgetary constraints, or we could plan expenses in the next quarter, etc. Things really got out of hand the day I innocently asked her to justify if her demands were ‘desirable or essential’, and explain if there was anything wrong with the clothes in her wardrobe or her current phone."

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that Dr. Parmeshwar has been sleeping on the floor of his bedroom and ordering his food online for the past 3 days.

Emergency Trauma Management - Life In The Fast Lane.

A 17 year old boy is wheeled in to the Accident & Emergency Department after being run over by a truck. The patient is rapidly assessed, given essential life saving emergency care including blood transfusions and is immediately rushed in to the operation theater for a suspected pelvic (hip bone) fracture. Two weeks later, the patient is sent back home, alive and hearty - one of the many success stories where prompt emergency management saved a life.

So what does a person involved in a motor vehicle collision or a fall, a child who breaks a bone, and a physical assault victim should do? They all must seek emergency treatment for their trauma-related injuries.

Trauma refers to a bodily injury resulting from the application of an external physical force. It is the leading cause of death under the age of 45 years all over the world, with majority of victims being young males. Motor vehicle accidents are the major culprit of these types of fatalities; in children too under the age of 18, trauma is the leading cause of death above all other diseased conditions combined. Surprisingly, the number of years of life lost before the age of 65 due to trauma exceeds those lost from heart disease and cancer put together. There is a massive additional social burden from disability affecting survivors as well.

While the word may have a fairly simple and standard definition, when it comes to treatment of trauma patients, there is nothing uniform or standard about it. Traumatic injuries can range from minor isolated wounds to complex injuries involving multiple organ systems. The trauma can be blunt or penetrating - like a stab or a gun shot wound.

Majority of deaths occur either at the scene or within the first four hours after the patient reaches a trauma center. Relatively, fewer patients die after the first 24 hours have passed following the injury. Most preventable deaths are due to excessive blood loss.

Regardless of the cause or type of trauma, the ultimate goal of treatment is to minimize the disability and deaths associated with the injury. It involves reducing the deaths associated with the 2nd peak period which occurs in the hours shortly after the injury.

A systematic approach toward the trauma patient allows for rapid assessment and stabilization of the victim. This maximizes outcomes and reduces the risk of undiscovered injuries. Established protocols within an organization allow physicians to evaluate the patient in a logical, algorithmic (ATLS) manner and treat injuries in the order that has the greatest chance to prolong life and also minimizes long term consequences from the injury.

Global Hospital, Mumbai is a Level 1 trauma centre providing a multidisciplinary, extensive emergency medical service to trauma patients with the highest level of care, and is capable of offering definitive treatment for any type of injury.

Apart from an Accident & Emergency department which is manned by emergency physicians who specialise in this field of practice, it also boasts of availability of all surgical sub-specialties and advanced imaging capabilities. The hospital operates on a “team approach” whose staff includes emergency physicians, general surgeons, orthopedic surgeons, neurosurgeons, reconstructive surgeons and anesthesiologists who are experts in treating trauma victims.

We also have a 24 hour functioning blood bank and a NABL accredited laboratory, apart from a 24X7 Radiology department for carrying out emergency X-rays, Ultrasound, CT scans and MRI. The hospital also has 24x7 operation theatres equipped to carry out all life and limb saving emergency surgeries.

With our comprehensive trauma care and emergency medical services, we are able to care for the most life threatening emergencies at a moment’s notice.

A Prayer

Dedicated to God - My strength, my teacher, everything that means to me in life.

It was written in September 2009, when I was going through a very rough patch during my MBBS. Through these few lines, I just wanted to thank HIM from the bottom of my heart for adding some colours back again to my life (then)…I had really forgotten to smile, fighting.

When I was helpless, you went to hide
There was no one, by my side
Was there a reason, I needed that help
Fighting the odds, all by myself.

Down my cheeks, the tears rolled
As time went by, I was growing old
But faith remained in my heart,
You’d come back...

I say a prayer, for you,
Show me a way, what to do,
I say a prayer for you,
You're all I need, that's true.

I was so numb, lonely inside,
With shattered dreams, no one to guide,
I kept pretending, in a false mask
Where would life lead, is all I asked.

To prove again, that I was right,
You held my hand, in this fight,
By my side, always you stay
Don’t let go ever….

I say a prayer, for you,
Show me a way, what to do,
I say a prayer for you,
You're all I need, that's true, that's true.

21.09.09

Medical Student picks biscuit from plate, examiner left stunned.

Mumbai: In an incident which has captured the imagination of medical students across the country, an anatomy external examiner was left stunned when a 1st year MBBS student during the viva exam picked a biscuit from his plate, instead of a bone.

Medical viva exams have a long history of being surrounded in controversy every year, with male students often accusing male external examiners of being partial towards females. The most famous & controversial viva incident was with a 1st year female student recently who was shown a uterus specimen and asked to identify it. When she was unable to do so, the male examiner gave her a hint that neither he, not her boyfriend had it. In spite of answering ‘brain’, she still surprisingly managed to top the university exam, for which she credited the prayers she performed the night before the exam.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dr. Kabhi Matbann ⟨™⟩, who is now being hailed as a future surgeon said, “On the 1st viva table, the examiner asked me to identify someone’s balls hanging from a forceps. When I answered that it was a ‘male testicle’, he annoyingly shouted back asking if I had ever seen ‘female testicle’. It made me so nervous and scared that I became Anand bhai of Munnabhai MBBS for the rest of the viva. On the 2nd exam table, when the external examiner asked me to ‘pick anything’, how was I supposed to guess that he meant a bone. Surprisingly, he did not ask me anything after I picked the Parle-G biscuit from his plate. Unfortunately, I had nothing to tell to my batch mates when I emerged from the exam room and they surrounded me to ask ‘Kya Pucha, Kya Pucha’.”

Taking cue from this incident and avoid a similar embarrassment, the Pathology Examiner’s Association has summoned its members to not offer students to ‘pick anything’ from the table during the viva exams, but instead personally hand over the formalin filled organ specimen jar to describe.

The Miracle

“You have to come back…. Where will I go with the 2 kids?” urged the sobbing wife clenching hard to her husband’s chest as he was being rushed in to the Cath lab, and I was still pushing some lifesaving drugs in him. Dramatic scenes which I don’t think I will ever forget in my life.

The 37 year old was brought to my department last month with history of sudden onset chest pain 30 minutes prior to arrival, followed by unconsciousness en route to hospital. On arrival, he was gasping, there was no pulse, spontaneous breathing, or recordable blood pressure with pupils which were non-reactive to light – no signs of life.

We immediately started CPR, initial rhythm was a ventricular fibrillation and he was shocked immediately, intubated and all life-saving drugs were given as we frantically tried to revive him.

After a gruesome 22 minutes, his heart started again and we immediately rushed him for an angioplasty as his ECG and bedside 2D Echo were suggestive of a massive heart attack.

His elder brother, sister in law, wife were all in tears and disbelief with lots of questions – we were also in a situation where we only could do our best and leave it to God, pray that the brain survives those precious minutes of CPR and that the heart does not go into sudden arrhythmias again.

I followed up with our critical care team that night and I was elated to know that he asked for his mother, he asked for water – signs that he was well protected neurologically - news which fills us with joy and satisfaction of saving that young life.

Against all odds, this patient WALKED BACK home from the hospital after a few days, with no neuro-deficit. He was clinically dead for 22 minutes, but miraculously, doctors brought him back to life, a tale nothing short of a medical miracle.

Today, the patient and his brother came to meet me and say thank you - a very emotional and heart touching experience which I will never forget in my life.

During our conversation, I also showed them my blog posts & Facebook posts, how even we at the hospital wished and prayed for his recovery.

When I told them that they should be thankful to God, I was left tear eyed when his brother said, "The only God we knew that day was you." I was left speechless.

"Can we have a photo of you with him? Please add his photo to your articles", he added.

Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for all the miracles he does every day, and we’re happy to play a small role in them.

Note: Due to lack of awareness about bystander CPR in India, less than 5-7 % of patients suffering from out of hospital cardiac arrest actually survive. Not everyone is lucky like that patient. Hence, bystander and first responder resuscitation become extremely crucial. CPR effectively keeps blood flowing and provides oxygen to the brain and other vital organs, giving the victim a better chance for a full recovery.

CPR saves lives! Get trained – You have the power to save a life.

Patient’s relatives address female intern as ‘shister’, doctor goes berserk.

Mumbai: In a never before incident in the history of medicine, a patient had to face the wrath of a female medical intern’s anger after her relatives continuously addressed her as ‘shister’. In retaliation, the irate intern refused to catheterize the patient and to deliver the blood samples to the laboratory, for the patient who was posed for an emergency C-Section.

The unfortunate incident happened in the obstetric ward at the Quackdoses Multispeciality Hospital. It was only when the panicked houseman and registrar assured the intern that they will pay the arrears for all the tea-breakfast she had bought for the unit during her internship posting, did the young doctor calm down and agreed to not put her phone on flight mode the next day.

In an exclusive interview with us, the intern Dr. K’abhi Matbann (™) said, “I have lost count of how many times I was referred to as the ‘Khoon nikalne wali doctor’ by patient’s relatives while I was posted in medicine ward. The tone in which the relative said, “Ae shister, injection khatam ho gaya hai”, activated the fight-fright-flight mechanism of my sympathetic system, since it felt similar to stingingly being called ‘Auntie’ by people who are older than me. Why are the male co-interns wearing aprons not called by patients as mamas or technicians? Till when can we be immune to this inequality?”

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after getting inspired by the courage of Dr. Matbann, the Obg-Gyn society of India has now launched a social media campaign to spread awareness for people to address them as Obstetricians or Gynecologists, and not ‘lady doctors’.

Be a Life Saver !

 

Sudden cardiac death from cardiac arrest is the most common cause of death worldwide. Cardiac arrest is defined as the cessation of cardiac activity as confirmed by the absence of signs of circulation.

Cardiac Arrest occurs suddenly, disrupting the blood flow to the brain and other parts of the body. With a cardiac arrest which is left untreated, irreversible brain damage occurs within 3-8 minutes and death rapidly follows. About 90 percent of people who experience an out-of-hospital cardiac arrest die.

Even in patients who are resuscitated (revived) from cardiac arrest, post-cardiac arrest brain injury is the main cause of death, and the main cause of long-term disability in those who survive the acute phase. This is attributed to the fact that even though the brain constitutes only 2% of body weight, it receives 15–20% of total blood volume pumped by the heart for its normal functioning.

Brain tissue viability strongly depends on consistent supply of oxygen and glucose, and cessation of blood flow to the brain results in an immediate interruption of brain activity, causing a hypoxic brain injury – similar to that of comedian Raju Shrivastava after suffering a heart attack.

A young 37 year old male was brought to Global Hospital Emergency last week with a history of sudden onset of chest pain 30 minutes prior to arrival, followed by unconsciousness. On arrival, the patient was gasping, there was no pulse, spontaneous breathing, or recordable blood pressure with pupils which were non-reactive to light – no signs of life – in cardiac arrest.

The team of experts immediately started cardio-pulmonary resuscitation (CPR), his initial rhythm was a ventricular fibrillation and he was shocked immediately, intubated and all life-saving drugs were given as the medical team frantically tried to revive him.

After a gruesome 22 minutes, his heart started again, he was immediately rushed for an angioplasty as his ECG and bedside 2D Echo were suggestive of a massive heart attack.

Against all odds, this patient walked back home with no neuro-deficit. He was clinically dead for 22 minutes, but miraculously, doctors brought him back to life, a tale nothing short of a medical miracle.

Not everyone is lucky like that patient. Hence, bystander and first responder resuscitation become extremely crucial. CPR effectively keeps blood flowing and provides oxygen to the brain and other vital organs, giving the victim a better chance for a full recovery.

CPR saves lives! Get trained – You have the power to save a life.