On eve of the launch of the Faking News: Doctor's Lounge NGO 'Being Doctor', our Faking News gupt samwadata Arun Swaminathan caught up with the world famous trichiologist Dr. Billu Ustarawala and following are bites from the interview.
“To the readers of Faking News: Doctor’s Lounge. I’m highly honored to connect to you all. This interview is dedicated to all my lovely hair which once sat on the anterior one third of my scalp but have now deserted me, the reason of which I’m not able to understand. Apoptosis is defined as a planned cell death…..but why did my hair cells have to go through this deadly process , I’m not able to answer till today. Before giving up on life ,my hair used to be so happy being combed , liking the birds shit that would fall on them occasionally, stretching exercises when I would have a fight with my friends, etc ….with such lovely silky long hair then , even I used to think that I looked like the king of Bollywood SHAH RUKH KHAN ,from BAZIGAR….what a nice hair he had when he removed his helmet and shook his head to sprinkle all his sweat on the cameraman…..I miss those hairy days”, said Dr. Ustarawala with a sad smile.
1) Sir, was it too much studying that made you bald, or was it the tension of passing ?
In my MBBS under graduation days, the hair roots on my scalp were unable to bear the pressure from inside by my ever expanding brain (thanks to me trying to fill it with all medical knowledge that I should have gained in 4.5 years in the final 1.5 years only).The brain then acted as a space occupying lesion for my scalp and my poor hair had no choice but to give way.
2) Sir, is it true that you did not have a girlfriend, so you got bald?
May be, yes…The testosterone that should have been used in some other things at that point of age accumulated due to me not being able to get time off studying and took out its toxic effect on my lovely hair……At least its giving me the perfect look of male patterned baldness…cheers. I have still not managed to find myself the perfect girl who would give my hair the extra nutrients and proteins required by passing her hands through my hair.Where are you DREAMGIRL ? So if any of you fans interested, kindly feel free to contact me…lol.
Also, my hair no more got the fertilizer of GELS that I used to apply in my childhood, thanks to spike hairstyle (remember Dil Chahta Hai ?) getting famous all over then.
3) Sir, did your friends encourage you to lose hair too?
Hmm….Off lately ,I’ve been scratching my head a lot thinking where I’m going to land in future…..my engineering friends at 21 started to earn 50K a month and I was nowhere close to earning even half of it till I'm 28….Gosh. Also I am a Virendra Sehwag fan ,played cricket somewhat like him with them…..laga toh laga nahi toh gaya…..so my hair wanted to imitate his famous hairstyle then…..taklu. I think there was divine intervention too….. My friends used to call me SABU (the bald heavyweight friend of Chacha Chaudhary) , so may be God worked on me to give a similar look…
4) Sir, did you never try taking treatment or consider self hair transplant ?
I did try all sorts of creams ,oils , gels, minoxidil, etc but nothing convinced my hair to stay where they were……They continued to commit suicide at a rate faster than the strikes of pilots in Kingfisher Airlines , and then I had no choice but to approach the ELVIS OF INDIA….HIMESH RESHAMMIYA, the singer with an extra ordinary talent of barking with his nose and ask him which company branded cap made his hair grow so long…sadly he did not let the secret out. Through this interview I appeal to your readers, if anyone of you already know the secret ,then I’m waiting to hear from you…I will transplant your hair absolutely free to give you back the pre MBBS look.
5) Sir, any suggestions for our readers ?
Hmm...don't study too much to pressurize your brain...you can always pass 'gracefully' by copying and bluffing on the answer sheet ...like I did...girls can just dress in pink, put a little makeup and just smile during vivas...they will pass...so boys, please take care of your hair, girls are difficult to find after passing MBBS...if you can't save them, do turn up at my clinic anytime...and yes, we are giving away free coupons to 5 lucky winners who like and share my interview the maximum...Just keep reading and sharing Faking News: Doctor's Lounge...it really is a blessing to the boring geeky Indian Healthcare industry.
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