Doctors unhappy at not being invited to Modi’s ‘Pariksha pe charcha’, demand apology.

New Delhi: In unexpected developments after PM Modi’s ‘Pariksha Pe Charcha’ recently, the Delhi chapter of the Indian Medicos Association (IMA) expressed their dissent in retaliation to PM’s omission of the medical fraternity, which only gives ‘Pariksha’ for most part of their lives.

Doctors, who consider themselves veterans of ‘Pariksha’ givers, were visibly upset that they were not chosen by Modiji, to ask Modiji, the pre recorded questions chosen by Modiji, to be answered by Modiji, and only school students appearing for board exams were selected for the task. A press release by the association drew attention to the comparison between a child in 1st standard of school and a medical student in 1st year of MBBS – when the child grows up to give his medical entrance exam, the medical student is still giving his PG passing ‘Pariksha’ (food for thought).

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, IMA President Dr. Deepak Kumar (name changed) said, “Medical education has become like Mumbai Metro project, doesn’t seem to come to an end even after years of hard work and regular exams. Because of these continuous ‘Parikshas’, there is hardly any time to even meet my girlfriend. And Modiji lectures to cut down the time spent on phone by 10% to spend time with family. I fail to understand why he separately conducts ‘Chai pe Charcha’ and ‘Pariksha pe Charcha’. Like we doctors, he can easily do ‘Chai pe Pariksha ki Charcha’ and save crores of innocent tax payer’s hard earned money spent on these marketing gimmicks.”

IMA Doctors did however reiterate Modiji’s thoughts to medical students that they must not think that appearing for exams are the end of the world, as there are better things waiting for them in life – like scoring the passing 35 % in the ‘Pariksha’.

Kejriwal releases ‘guarantee card’; promises jobs in USA for Mohalla Clinic Doctors.

New Delhi: Delhi Chief Minister and AAP national convenor Arvind Kejriwal on Sunday guaranteed job placements in John Hopkins, Cleveland Clinic and Mayo clinic for doctors working in the much hyped & scam tainted mohalla Clinics, as he released a "guarantee card" listing 10 promises that AAP will deliver on if it is elected to rule Delhi again.

The 'Kejriwal ka Guarantee Card' was released by the Chief Minister at the Aam Aadmi Party office here and included promises of job placement to the premier hospitals for doctors working at the mohalla Clinics, who gradually become experts in making ‘false entries’ of patients, giving them useless medications to ensure revisits, and ‘good incomes’ for themselves.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Kejriwal said, "Though most of the mohalla Clinics are ailing themselves, have become dysfunctional, are a total waste of public money with locals using the space as garbage dumping site, and are frequented by goons and drug addicts, I am assuring that the international job placement of mohalla Clinic doctors that we announced in this tenure will continue in the next five years. These are big guarantees and will take time to be implemented.”

Kejriwal also signed the card after announcing the guarantees, saying "he will fulfill these promises in the next five years”, a claim downplayed by BJP with the rebuttal that the Kejriwal government had earlier too promised to establish 1,000 mohalla clinics in Delhi, but not even 200 clinics were opened over the last 5 years.

Jubilant about the governments guarantee, the Mohalla Clinic Doctors Association released a statement that it would not be a major cultural shift for them from Delhi to USA, as it will involve only getting used to hearing “KYA Tu janta hai mera baap kon hai?” from “Tu janta hai mera baap kon hai?”

"JNU Students study more than Doctors", claims Deepika.

New Delhi – A day after being slammed on social media for going to Jawaharlal Nehru University (JNU) amidst the ongoing turmoil to promote her new movie Chhapaak, Deepika Padukone has clarified that she only expressed solidarity with the students after realizing that JNU students studied even more than allopathic doctors.

In an exclusive interview with the Quackdoses, Dippy said, “I had gone to my doctor for some ladies problem after which he said I will need a PR. I googled PR and it connected me to a Public Relations agency in Delhi which told me that JNU was ‘the’ place for publicity stunt and making money as producer. It was only after reaching there did I realize that doctors only falsely sulked for having to study 10-12 years, while most JNU students studied in the same university for more than 20 years. Aap chronology samjhiye…”

The Indian Medicos Association (IMA) issued a strongly worded statement condemning her remarks, and questioned whether the JNU students were treated by Quacks or Deepika’s make up artist. Images of university students with dressings over Hijab / jacket, and blood soakage of dressing roll far away from alleged injury site have gone viral over medical groups.

Unconfirmed sources have claimed that after watching her crocodile tears at the launch of the trailer of Chhapaak, Joaquin Phoenix who won the Best Actor award for Joker at Golden Globes 2020 recently has decided relinquish the trophy to Deepika.

(P.S - For my non medico friends, PR in medical lingo means per rectal examination.)

Honor your patients as teachers...

It was one of those odd nights during my posting in the ICU at Kokilaben Hospital.

I am a hard core emergency physician, without much inclination towards critical care, which is a totally different ball game all together, most of it due to the fact that I’m impatient by personality and my attention span on a single patient will not be beyond 2-3 hours from their arrival.

The registrar on duty had called in sick (another regular ‘bahana’ for not showing up for work) and it was left for me, and my senior Dr. Santosh to manage the 26 bedded critical care unit.

It is a well known fact among the medical fraternity, how hard it hits a resident doctor when he/she comes to know their reliever is coming late, or not coming at all and they are asked to continue working another overtime shift. So I already knew that it would be a difficult night for me, because I had to put down the rounds for all 26 patients, make their treatment sheets, monitor few patients bedside – all the typical ‘symptoms’ of no sleep that night!

Little did I know that one night (in the 1st week) of my 1st critical care posting – which I was grumpy and skeptical about, would leave an ever lasting impact.

Unfortunately (or may be fortunately), there were 2 patients who suddenly deteriorated simultaneously. 1 of them on Bed 2 was an elderly lady who was crashing requiring intubation, urgent HD Catheter, IABP, etc and Dr. Santosh being the team leader and the senior doctor on duty got busy there.

And I was left to manage on my own, a 47 year old female, Mrs. Srivastava (full name withheld) – educated, English speaking, upper society lady, suffering from CKD, who developed sudden onset breathlessness, worsening ABG, requiring URGENT dialysis – and I had never put a dialysis catheter before (though the technique was similar to a central line, which also I had not done unassisted before). The nervousness and the lack of confidence became very obvious on my face and I called Dr. Santosh for help.

“Tu USG machine leke daal, main blind daal lunga mere patient mein, nurses will help you out, I know you will manage”, he said, as he got engrossed trying to save that patient of his.

I came back to Mrs. Srivastava, who even in her restlessness did understand that I was a junior trainee doctor & not so confident with procedures.

“Dr. Mohit, I want you to go ahead with the procedure and insert the dialysis catheter on me. If young doctors like you don’t learn now and step up your game in critical situations, you will never”, she said after slightly pulling out her Non Invasive Ventilation BiPap mask.

Such words from a patient, and a senior doctor was enough to ignite that fire, considering that there was no other option, and I had to rise to the occasion. I washed up immediately – cap – mask- gown – gloves – USG machine – triple lumen HD catheter, and I felt like the Arnold Schwarznegger from the movie Commando, determined to complete the task.

Luckily, there were 2 senior nurses on duty that night– Anuradha and Nidhi who came to my rescue – stood by me – guiding me through the entire procedure, which in the end was done flawlessly, in my 1st attempt, a feat which still will be the best among my many achievements. I also kept talking and reassuring to Mrs. Srivastava during the entire 15 minute procedure – dialysis was started immediately and she settled down well, over the next few hours.

The night which started with a negative mindset, turned into my memorable ones, which I think about often till date.

Mrs. Srivastava and I kept interacting every day, whenever I took rounds, talking about things other than medicine, developing a ‘subconscious’ friendship.

Few days later, she was taken to Lucknow in an air ambulance, as she would require extended intensive care, and she wanted to be close to her family.

I enquired about her with the Nephrologist after 2 weeks, who broke the news that Mrs. Srivastava had expired 2 days back due to a pneumonia, sepsis and DIC – something which still brings tears to my eyes. I wanted her to live, I wanted to meet her again, and wanted to THANK HER for giving me that opportunity to learn one of the most important lessons in life – from a patient – to take the (‘t) out from you can’t do it to, you can do it!

Dr. Santosh, and I are still good friends, considering that we haven’t met in the last 5 years, but are a part of ‘Men will be Men’ whatsapp group of KDAH doctors. My respect for the nursing profession also increased, after all they are the ones who play a major role in the patient’s recovery more than the doctors (Anuradha, Nidhi and Tinu sister, you guyz rocked in ICU 6). Last but not the least, no words can express my sincere gratitude towards all MY patients – for giving me an opportunity to serve them.