Mumbai: In a path
breaking study conducted at the Quackdoc Multispecialty Hospital, Arnab
Goswami, India’s most famous judge, jury and executioner for his show, the
Newshour has now become the number one risk factor for hypertension in the Indian
population.
The success of the show, which recently completed its 10 years on 1st
February, was marred by recent reports that the ever angry and ever restless
news anchor Arnab had surpassed the threats by obesity, excessive salt in diet,
alcohol, low vitamin D levels and other risk factors to become the biggest
threat to the morbidity and mortality of an entire nation.
The World Health Organization (WHO) had earlier predicted that by
2025, one third of the Indians would suffer from Diabetes and High blood
pressure related ailments, but according to recent study, WHO has now claimed
that 99.9 % of all viewers of the talk show will suffer from Hypertension by
the year 2020, unless Arnab starts giving the guest panelists a chance to talk
on the show.
What has baffled the researchers involved in the study even further is
that the hypertension caused by watching Arnab has been found to be resistant
to the standard treatment of Diuretics, ACE inhibitors, Beta blockers, Calcium
channel blockers, etc and can only be treated to a certain extent by watching
youtube videos of Rahul Gandhi’s speeches and of Arvind Kejriwal making his
false promises and dramatic claims.
Our Gupt Samwadata spoke to Dr. Arun Swaminathan, the doctor-in-chief
of the research, “The constant yelling and bickering on the show produces a
stress response in the viewers, which in turn stimulates the adrenal glands to
produce the fight, fright and flight hormones, namely Adrenaline, Noradrenaline
and Cortisol, thereby increasing the blood pressure. It has been observed that since
the debut of the show 10 years back, the number of Indians suffering from
myocardial infarction, tinnitus, intracranial bleed and nightmares has doubled,
with the guest panelists being the hardest hit, suffering from neurogenic
bladder where they have no control on & subconsciously piss in their pants
with even the thought of facing Arnab again. He is slowly becoming India’s most
dreaded father-husband, and might be the only guy in the world to fight with
his wife and win an argument. There was a time when kids did not drink milk and
mothers used to scare them by threatening to call the police, times have now
changed and mothers now threaten to call Arnab uncle instead.”
With his undeniable ability to increase urine output, research is now
underway if videos of Arnab Goswami can be used to treat congestive heart
failure (CHF), and whether he is more efficacious than the time tested furosemide
(Lasix) & Nitroglycerine infusion. Whatever the results may be, only time will tell, but experts are skeptical of the chances of using Arnab in CHF with the counter argument that he could possibly cause a heart attack first.
